Asperger marriage

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I'm the PP who divorced and recommended reading up on the Cassandra syndrome: lessons from my experience - I realized that this wasn't a "relationship" or " communication" issue that could be approached via traditional marital counseling / therapy. I came to accept that the only possible change was for me to fully understand and accommodate his neuro-diversity and to readjust expectations of communication, emotional and physical intimacy, and to disconnect in a way that his character attacks and tantrums wouldn't affect me personally. And I decided that I could not imagine myself doing that while enjoying or even merely surviving my life.

Why do DHs with ASD do this?

[Anonymous]

This thread is eye-opening. It sums up what I've felt but have been unable to articulate. He masked it well but the birth of our child and the stress of the pandemic has made it impossible to ignore. I don't know what to do to fix this.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:This thread is eye-opening. It sums up what I've felt but have been unable to articulate. He masked it well but the birth of our child and the stress of the pandemic has made it impossible to ignore. I don't know what to do to fix this.

NP here. My DH received a diagnosis a year after our child was born and 6 months after an ADHD diagnosis. As a PP said, my DH’s diagnosis was definitely delayed and his ASD was not noticed during his childhood because of family trauma in the form of forced immigration and a brother with mental illness.

There isn’t a fix. You can accommodate him or not. I’ve “chosen” something between accommodating my DH and leaving him. I cannot leave my child in a custody share situation because my DH’s dual diagnoses mean he doesn’t have the emotional awareness or executive functioning skills to parent her safely or in a way that meets all of her needs. And no, this wasn’t obvious when we met because he’d unconsciously structured his bachelor life in a way to accommodate his disorders. Furthermore, my DH excels at work because of the high consequences (to him) of failure in that environment, so although ASD and ADHD make him a nightmare at home, a family court judge would have a hard time understanding how dysfunctional he is because he is successful in a high-pressure work environment.

I encourage my DH to travel for work as much as possible, which suits him since travel is one of his special interests. It expands the time my daughter is not around his tantrums or “rational” but actually mean commentary. He isn’t always a bad parent or husband, but the bad moments coincide with when I most need a partner and when our family stress is the highest, so I am tired and lonely. I wish so much that he would have received professional intervention and support as a child when it could have made a different. Whenever one of these threads is posted, people get very angry and are quick to shout down women in this situation as anti-ASD. I think a lot of it comes from parents of children with ASD who fear that their child’s future potential is being attacked. In my case, I am definitely not after adults with ASD, but I feel so much resentment and anger towards the outdated attitudes and prejudices that kept my DH from receiving the kind of support as a child that would have changed my life, his, and our child’s.

I try to keep my anger there rather than toward DH.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Anyone married to a spouse with Aspergers? How do you cope?

Loved him in many ways but saw that he could not handle a real adult life and never got married in the first place. Keep your eyes open, ladies.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My spouse is diagnosed with ASD, depression and anxiety. OP - h3et DH (assuming) on medication stat if there are comorbidities. AFAIK ASD isn't medicated, but if there's other dx like above or OCD, ADHD, etc. then take those pills. He'll need a psychiatrist and therapist. For it to have gone on so long undetected might indicate some childhood or family trauma and dysfunction.

PP who mentioned Cassandra syndrome is right. You also need to take care of yourself and your kids. Seek out individual therapy if you think you need it. We used to do couples therapy, but even the therapist agreed it was a waste of time and dropped us.

My kids are too young for therapy, but that's something we might revisit as they get older. We got them screened for ASD because tbecause there's a strong genetic component. So far it doesn't seem they have it. I am basically taking care of the kids 100%, even though we live with their father. He does spend time with them, but it is supervised and scheduled.

Could you not see any of this before marriage?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I'm the PP who divorced and recommended reading up on the Cassandra syndrome: lessons from my experience - I realized that this wasn't a "relationship" or " communication" issue that could be approached via traditional marital counseling / therapy. I came to accept that the only possible change was for me to fully understand and accommodate his neuro-diversity and to readjust expectations of communication, emotional and physical intimacy, and to disconnect in a way that his character attacks and tantrums wouldn't affect me personally. And I decided that I could not imagine myself doing that while enjoying or even merely surviving my life. [/quote


Hmm. The odd thing is that I think every married couple does this – realizes that they can’t change the other person and adjusts their expectations.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

This whole thread is an insult to those who truly struggle with ASD. Some make lovely spouses. Ask me how I know. They simply struggle with social communication... but many try very hard.

If your spouse is an a**hole, he or she is an a**hole, not on the spectrum.

And many become narcissistic to protect their ego and image and mistakes.

Omg. Bullseye!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:This thread is eye-opening. It sums up what I've felt but have been unable to articulate. He masked it well but the birth of our child and the stress of the pandemic has made it impossible to ignore. I don't know what to do to fix this.

NP here. My DH received a diagnosis a year after our child was born and 6 months after an ADHD diagnosis. As a PP said, my DH’s diagnosis was definitely delayed and his ASD was not noticed during his childhood because of family trauma in the form of forced immigration and a brother with mental illness.

There isn’t a fix. You can accommodate him or not. I’ve “chosen” something between accommodating my DH and leaving him. I cannot leave my child in a custody share situation because my DH’s dual diagnoses mean he doesn’t have the emotional awareness or executive functioning skills to parent her safely or in a way that meets all of her needs. And no, this wasn’t obvious when we met because he’d unconsciously structured his bachelor life in a way to accommodate his disorders. Furthermore, my DH excels at work because of the high consequences (to him) of failure in that environment, so although ASD and ADHD make him a nightmare at home, a family court judge would have a hard time understanding how dysfunctional he is because he is successful in a high-pressure work environment.

I encourage my DH to travel for work as much as possible, which suits him since travel is one of his special interests. It expands the time my daughter is not around his tantrums or “rational” but actually mean commentary. He isn’t always a bad parent or husband, but the bad moments coincide with when I most need a partner and when our family stress is the highest, so I am tired and lonely. I wish so much that he would have received professional intervention and support as a child when it could have made a different. Whenever one of these threads is posted, people get very angry and are quick to shout down women in this situation as anti-ASD. I think a lot of it comes from parents of children with ASD who fear that their child’s future potential is being attacked. In my case, I am definitely not after adults with ASD, but I feel so much resentment and anger towards the outdated attitudes and prejudices that kept my DH from receiving the kind of support as a child that would have changed my life, his, and our child’s.

I try to keep my anger there rather than toward DH.

This is such a good point.
He is a good partner a lot of the time, but the times I really need him are the times he either shuts down or explodes. It is lonely.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I'm the PP who divorced and recommended reading up on the Cassandra syndrome: lessons from my experience - I realized that this wasn't a "relationship" or " communication" issue that could be approached via traditional marital counseling / therapy. I came to accept that the only possible change was for me to fully understand and accommodate his neuro-diversity and to readjust expectations of communication, emotional and physical intimacy, and to disconnect in a way that his character attacks and tantrums wouldn't affect me personally. And I decided that I could not imagine myself doing that while enjoying or even merely surviving my life. [/quote


Hmm. The odd thing is that I think every married couple does this – realizes that they can’t change the other person and adjusts their expectations.

No - some married couple divorce or live in marital resentment or disconnection. I actually think it’s a lesson for all types of relationships - realizing you can’t affect how someone else acts or thinks. That said, ASD fundamentally affects how a person relates so the non-neuro divergent partner has to RADICALLY change expectations (unless they were fully aware before coupling) and accommodate in a different way … this is not to blame ASD, but to not understand how this truly affects interpersonal relationships is very unfair to everyone.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

This whole thread is an insult to those who truly struggle with ASD. Some make lovely spouses. Ask me how I know. They simply struggle with social communication... but many try very hard.

If your spouse is an a**hole, he or she is an a**hole, not on the spectrum.

And many become narcissistic to protect their ego and image and mistakes.

Omg. Bullseye!

You just don’t like your spouses and are slamming neurodiverse people in the process. aSD is a DEVELOPMENTAL disorder and the symptoms must appear during the early developmental period to warrant a diagnosis. It is a myth that people on the spectrum lack empathy. They don’t have the full capacity to SEE the pain in others—- but once they do they will respond as much as they can. So if your spouse was a narc who didn’t care about your emotions, then leave it there. But if he didn’t have the ability to Recognize or process your emotions, and your calling him a narc, you are the cruel one.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Not formally diagnosed, but I believe my husband has Asperger’s. After 40+ years I left to live in second home; much happier. Was better when we were younger, working, busy - now in retirement I recognize his lack of concern for me, lack of empathy, self-centered fixations. He got more irritated, more critical, more unkind. I don’t think it’s something that is fixable; I am happier on my own, my self esteem is far better without his mean comments. We stay in touch, aren’t divorced - just live separately.

+1. I took a great job in another city and we get together on weekends sometimes. He was a very neglectful father, that was sad to watch how clueless and uninvolved he was and is with family, his own children, and whatever friends he really has.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:What do you do when you SAH for your kids and financially depend on your husband? I suspect he has Aspergers.

Live for your kids.
Create a life outside the home and big support network of save friends.
Therapy.
Ignore aspie, he wants that too.

[Anonymous]

In other words, “once they do realize” never happens, and even if they realize something needs something, they are too tired and overwhelmed to do it.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I divorced. Seriously.

+1 he’s practically estranged himself from us over time.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My spouse is diagnosed with ASD, depression and anxiety. OP - h3et DH (assuming) on medication stat if there are comorbidities. AFAIK ASD isn't medicated, but if there's other dx like above or OCD, ADHD, etc. then take those pills. He'll need a psychiatrist and therapist. For it to have gone on so long undetected might indicate some childhood or family trauma and dysfunction.

PP who mentioned Cassandra syndrome is right. You also need to take care of yourself and your kids. Seek out individual therapy if you think you need it. We used to do couples therapy, but even the therapist agreed it was a waste of time and dropped us.

My kids are too young for therapy, but that's something we might revisit as they get older. We got them screened for ASD because tbecause there's a strong genetic component. So far it doesn't seem they have it. I am basically taking care of the kids 100%, even though we live with their father. He does spend time with them, but it is supervised and scheduled.

I could see this working. But still is very far from a normal marriage and team parenting/raising children.