Feeling sad about Christmas

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:All I want for Christmas is to see both my parents on Christmas morning; to be together and relaxed with my real family, not shuffled around with complicated plans, spending half the time feeling uncomfortable with strangers.

But hey...sorry I forgot to say thanks for the movie.

(By the way, OP? In real families, when we do things together as a family, like go to the movies, it's not a thank-you situation. That's just spending time together.)

NP. I expect my kids (4&7) to say thank you for taking them to the movies (which I just did for Frozen 2). It's expensive and it's a treat to go, so showing gratitude seems appropriate.

Thank you. I feel that this is the piece that has been missed by most on this thread...

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:All I want for Christmas is to see both my parents on Christmas morning; to be together and relaxed with my real family, not shuffled around with complicated plans, spending half the time feeling uncomfortable with strangers.

But hey...sorry I forgot to say thanks for the movie.

(By the way, OP? In real families, when we do things together as a family, like go to the movies, it's not a thank-you situation. That's just spending time together.)

NP. I expect my kids (4&7) to say thank you for taking them to the movies (which I just did for Frozen 2). It's expensive and it's a treat to go, so showing gratitude seems appropriate.

Thank you. I feel that this is the piece that has been missed by most on this thread...

How old are the kids? What you're not getting is that it is very different for a parent to enforce please/thank you, than it is to "feel sad about Christmas" and label children as "ungrateful" because they didn't say the exact thing you expected them to. As I and others have written, expecting a "thank you" for movie tickets is a bit beyond what most of us do for younger kids. If they are 15, maybe. But still, it's manners, and manners are taught. If you want your step-kids to have certain manners, then discuss it with their dad. But that's not what this is about, is it? It's not about actually teaching/raising kids. It's about making conclusions that the kids are bad, and their mom is out to get you.

[Anonymous]

"Thank you for taking us to movies, dad and stepmom. We really appreciate your spending the money on us."
Do you hear how insane this sounds? The other day I got my ds an uber, bought him a ticket to SW and he went. He is the most polite kid you can meet, and there was no real thanks involved. He might have said, "thanks" when I told him, got the ticket. I can't remember. These are family outings, not a car for 16th birthday! You sound insane.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Stop buying stuff and do a vacation next year instead.

Exactly this.

[Anonymous]

OP here.

Well, this blew up in a way that I did not expect - though I guess I shouldn't be surprised. Step moms definitely get their fair amount of flak on this forum.

There are a couple of things I'd like to share - first about why I am on this forum in particular, and second about my perception of gratitude.

There are a couple of other forums out there that are step mom specific - and I generally find them to be pretty negative and unhelpful. Sure, if I just wanted to have others "validate" (more like commiserate with) the fact that I "don't like my step kids", my step kids are "entitled brats", the biomom is "toxic and alienating" I could just post in those spaces. But that is not what I want, so I don't use them as a resource.

DCUM is not an easy space to be in as a step mom. But I DO find value here - even if it's sometimes hard to read. I don't personally think I am am evil step mom personified, and DH says I do and care a lot for his kids. Is it a struggle a LOT of the time? Yes, but as everyone likes to point out, this is what I signed up for. So I come here, doing my best to navigate what is a less than optimal situation. I think many of us find that to be the case in our lives, in one regard or another.

Now, about gratitude...

I just replied thank you to a poster who agrees that saying thank you for a movie is not an unrealistic expectation - but I am more struck by the number of parents posting here who think that this is NOT something to express gratitude for.

In my mind, expressing gratitude to family members - even/particularly for the small stuff - is basic. It is the thing that teaches us how to be grateful and gracious with others. DH and I model this in our home. We thank each other for cooking, for putting away the dishes, for doing the laundry - as well as when one of us takes the other out to dinner, or to an event.

I'm kind of shocked at how many people don't think this is important - but I guess we can agree to disagree.

Now that I am writing, there are a couple of other things that were in this thread...

To the point of these kids being from a split home - I'm sorry, but that is an excuse. I am the child of parents who were functional drug addicts. My childhood was a roller coaster of highs and lows, quite literally. Similarly, there are plenty of people in this world who are from less than ideal situations - and they can still manage to be grateful. We all face adversity - many of us in our formative years - but that doesn't give us free rein to sh** on people.

And, there seems to be an assumption that these are young kids, which they are not. They are early/mid teens. And, yeah, yeah, I know, teens are self absorbed, etc. etc.
That's all well and good - but it does not excuse them from having, and using, some manners, either.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:All I want for Christmas is to see both my parents on Christmas morning; to be together and relaxed with my real family, not shuffled around with complicated plans, spending half the time feeling uncomfortable with strangers.

But hey...sorry I forgot to say thanks for the movie.

(By the way, OP? In real families, when we do things together as a family, like go to the movies, it's not a thank-you situation. That's just spending time together.)

NP. I expect my kids (4&7) to say thank you for taking them to the movies (which I just did for Frozen 2). It's expensive and it's a treat to go, so showing gratitude seems appropriate.

Fine, I'm sure you have taught them to say please and thank you for a long time, and this is just one more way to do it. I'm also sure you probably prompted them to do it, and you didn't just expect spontaneous wells of gratitude. I'm also pretty sure you don't have a covert agenda to find reasons to believe that your kids are bad kids, the way OP does.

And, it is weird to expect your small kids to say thank you for everything you spend on them. Do you also ask them to say thank you when you pay the mortgage and day care bill every month? Take them to the doctor? Put gas in the car? In the grocery check-out line? Going to the movies isn't exactly like giving your kid a glass of juice. They don't really understand that you're paying for them, not any more than they understand you're paying the mortgage every month. Saying thank you for buying movie tickets is a more sophisticated social interaction that I wouldn't really expect to happen unprompted until later.

No covert agenda here, but nice try.

I find it really interesting that many of you can't acknowledge that sometimes it is NOT the stepmom who is the bad guy. Whether you want to admit it or not, there are biomoms who can and do go to great lengths to alienate their children from their fathers, and I have been watching in in full force for a number of years. It is very sad, and very challenging to combat.

Maybe I didn't give a lot of backstory in my original post, but I don't know that would have mattered much...

Also, as I just posted, we can agree to disagree about what kids should be saying thank you for, but I think it's a pretty sad commentary that people think teens aren't capable of recognizing that they should offer a simple thank you for things - big, or small. You may disagree with me, but I think that this really contributes to a culture of entitlement...

[Anonymous]

Your husband's kids shouldn't have to express so much formal gratitude for the crumbs of time and activities they have with him.

I'm sure they'd rather see their parents every day than go to the occasional movie.

[Anonymous]

Stepmom is the bad guy in this story. Bio moms might be bad guys in some stories. Stepmom counts pennies in presents, because she wants to get the kids to love her more. She is clearly no a mother herself, she doesn't get any dynamic. Parents don't do things for their kids for thanks. We do it out of love, we do it to see our kids open the presents they wanted on Christmas, to their faces light up. That is more valuable than the spoken thanks. I also find it hard to believe that kids didn't utter a single soft thank you while opening the presents. If they truly didn't, I suspect they are very uncomfortable around OP. I can guess it is the fact that she went to movies with them, and she resents that she and dh were not alone and she sees this as spending time on his kids who are ungrateful sons 'f.....Most mothers would love to spend time at the movies with their kids and this would not be an imposition and bean counting endeavor. I suggest to OP to reevaluate her thinking and stop what she is likely doing. Putting down her dh's kids to her dh. Stop resenting his kids for being his kids. Green doesn't look good on anyone.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:All I want for Christmas is to see both my parents on Christmas morning; to be together and relaxed with my real family, not shuffled around with complicated plans, spending half the time feeling uncomfortable with strangers.

But hey...sorry I forgot to say thanks for the movie.

(By the way, OP? In real families, when we do things together as a family, like go to the movies, it's not a thank-you situation. That's just spending time together.)

NP. I expect my kids (4&7) to say thank you for taking them to the movies (which I just did for Frozen 2). It's expensive and it's a treat to go, so showing gratitude seems appropriate.

Thank you. I feel that this is the piece that has been missed by most on this thread...

How old are the kids? What you're not getting is that it is very different for a parent to enforce please/thank you, than it is to "feel sad about Christmas" and label children as "ungrateful" because they didn't say the exact thing you expected them to. As I and others have written, expecting a "thank you" for movie tickets is a bit beyond what most of us do for younger kids. If they are 15, maybe. But still, it's manners, and manners are taught. If you want your step-kids to have certain manners, then discuss it with their dad. But that's not what this is about, is it? It's not about actually teaching/raising kids. It's about making conclusions that the kids are bad, and their mom is out to get you.

What do you mean, say the exact thing I expected? You mean, thank you? Not sure what else they could have said. The key here is that they didn't say anything.

Kids are early/mid teens. In my mind, they absolutely should be capable of managing a thank you.

I was feeling sad about Christmas because it feels like, no matter what we do, it is never good enough. The kids never fail to let their dad know that the way their mom does things is better. And yes, it colored how I was feeling about the holiday. So sue me. I guess because I'm a stepmom. I'm not allowed to have any feelings? That's how a lot of you are coming across.

I'm expected to have endless wells of love and empathy - and zero frustrations - but none is available when I might need it?

It's pretty interesting, because there are plenty of posts on the teen board that talk about how parents can't wait til their kids leave, how their teens are a******, how DIFFICULT it is - and there is a good deal of sympathy/empathy. It makes me wonder what the response would have been if I posted in the teens board and hadn't identified as a step mom...

And, no, I don't think EW is out to get me. But her actions over the years have proven that she IS out to get DH, and (despite counseling) has no interest in actually co-parenting.

[Anonymous]

Did I miss something, or are you upset because you spent $900 and the ex spent $1,000? There's almost no difference between those two numbers. Also, that's a lot to spend. You could probably dial it back quite a bit.

I'm raising an 11-year-old with my ex and we compare notes before holidays to make sure we're not gifting the same thing. (unless it's something she would want at each house.) But I don't care who spends what, or if she likes his gift more. It just doesn't matter.

I'm not sure it would occur to my daughter to thank me for taking her to Frozen 2. Which I did, and I was super bored and wishing I had seen Zombieland 2 instead. She did get excited to go, though, and that's basically the same thing.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:All I want for Christmas is to see both my parents on Christmas morning; to be together and relaxed with my real family, not shuffled around with complicated plans, spending half the time feeling uncomfortable with strangers.

But hey...sorry I forgot to say thanks for the movie.

(By the way, OP? In real families, when we do things together as a family, like go to the movies, it's not a thank-you situation. That's just spending time together.)

NP. I expect my kids (4&7) to say thank you for taking them to the movies (which I just did for Frozen 2). It's expensive and it's a treat to go, so showing gratitude seems appropriate.

Fine, I'm sure you have taught them to say please and thank you for a long time, and this is just one more way to do it. I'm also sure you probably prompted them to do it, and you didn't just expect spontaneous wells of gratitude. I'm also pretty sure you don't have a covert agenda to find reasons to believe that your kids are bad kids, the way OP does.

And, it is weird to expect your small kids to say thank you for everything you spend on them. Do you also ask them to say thank you when you pay the mortgage and day care bill every month? Take them to the doctor? Put gas in the car? In the grocery check-out line? Going to the movies isn't exactly like giving your kid a glass of juice. They don't really understand that you're paying for them, not any more than they understand you're paying the mortgage every month. Saying thank you for buying movie tickets is a more sophisticated social interaction that I wouldn't really expect to happen unprompted until later.

No covert agenda here, but nice try.

I find it really interesting that many of you can't acknowledge that sometimes it is NOT the stepmom who is the bad guy. Whether you want to admit it or not, there are biomoms who can and do go to great lengths to alienate their children from their fathers, and I have been watching in in full force for a number of years. It is very sad, and very challenging to combat.

Maybe I didn't give a lot of backstory in my original post, but I don't know that would have mattered much...

Also, as I just posted, we can agree to disagree about what kids should be saying thank you for, but I think it's a pretty sad commentary that people think teens aren't capable of recognizing that they should offer a simple thank you for things - big, or small. You may disagree with me, but I think that this really contributes to a culture of entitlement...

Maybe don't act like the bad guy, and we won't say you are one. You are clearly dead set on the way kids "should" behave, as well as that their mom is out to get you. Sure, your stepkids might stand to be a little more proactively polite. But that doesn't mean they are bad or ungrateful kids - it means that they haven't been taught to do so. I don't see any sense here that you actually want to help teach the kids any, and a LOT more sense that you are aggrieved and deserve better. That's crappy evil step-mom behavior.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:All I want for Christmas is to see both my parents on Christmas morning; to be together and relaxed with my real family, not shuffled around with complicated plans, spending half the time feeling uncomfortable with strangers.

But hey...sorry I forgot to say thanks for the movie.

(By the way, OP? In real families, when we do things together as a family, like go to the movies, it's not a thank-you situation. That's just spending time together.)

NP. I expect my kids (4&7) to say thank you for taking them to the movies (which I just did for Frozen 2). It's expensive and it's a treat to go, so showing gratitude seems appropriate.

Thank you. I feel that this is the piece that has been missed by most on this thread...

How old are the kids? What you're not getting is that it is very different for a parent to enforce please/thank you, than it is to "feel sad about Christmas" and label children as "ungrateful" because they didn't say the exact thing you expected them to. As I and others have written, expecting a "thank you" for movie tickets is a bit beyond what most of us do for younger kids. If they are 15, maybe. But still, it's manners, and manners are taught. If you want your step-kids to have certain manners, then discuss it with their dad. But that's not what this is about, is it? It's not about actually teaching/raising kids. It's about making conclusions that the kids are bad, and their mom is out to get you.

What do you mean, say the exact thing I expected? You mean, thank you? Not sure what else they could have said. The key here is that they didn't say anything.

Kids are early/mid teens. In my mind, they absolutely should be capable of managing a thank you.

I was feeling sad about Christmas because it feels like, no matter what we do, it is never good enough. The kids never fail to let their dad know that the way their mom does things is better. And yes, it colored how I was feeling about the holiday. So sue me. I guess because I'm a stepmom. I'm not allowed to have any feelings? That's how a lot of you are coming across.

I'm expected to have endless wells of love and empathy - and zero frustrations - but none is available when I might need it?

It's pretty interesting, because there are plenty of posts on the teen board that talk about how parents can't wait til their kids leave, how their teens are a******, how DIFFICULT it is - and there is a good deal of sympathy/empathy. It makes me wonder what the response would have been if I posted in the teens board and hadn't identified as a step mom...

And, no, I don't think EW is out to get me. But her actions over the years have proven that she IS out to get DH, and (despite counseling) has no interest in actually co-parenting.

jeebus, go back to the stepmommy boards to get the validation you seek that the kids are terrible and you are perfect.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Did I miss something, or are you upset because you spent $900 and the ex spent $1,000? There's almost no difference between those two numbers. Also, that's a lot to spend. You could probably dial it back quite a bit.

I'm raising an 11-year-old with my ex and we compare notes before holidays to make sure we're not gifting the same thing. (unless it's something she would want at each house.) But I don't care who spends what, or if she likes his gift more. It just doesn't matter.

I'm not sure it would occur to my daughter to thank me for taking her to Frozen 2. Which I did, and I was super bored and wishing I had seen Zombieland 2 instead. She did get excited to go, though, and that's basically the same thing.

OP doesn't like her stepkids, so that's why their excitement and enjoyment are besides the point. Christmas is a gauntlet for her to demonstrate how loving and giving she is, better than their mom, and how disappointing the stepkids are.

[Anonymous]

OP have you actually thought about how Christmas might be hard for these kids, who just want their real family for the holidays?

If they act out or have an attitude, where do you think that comes from

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Did I miss something, or are you upset because you spent $900 and the ex spent $1,000? There's almost no difference between those two numbers. Also, that's a lot to spend. You could probably dial it back quite a bit.

I'm raising an 11-year-old with my ex and we compare notes before holidays to make sure we're not gifting the same thing. (unless it's something she would want at each house.) But I don't care who spends what, or if she likes his gift more. It just doesn't matter.

I'm not sure it would occur to my daughter to thank me for taking her to Frozen 2. Which I did, and I was super bored and wishing I had seen Zombieland 2 instead. She did get excited to go, though, and that's basically the same thing.

Clarifying, because you asked, we spent $900 collectively - and she spent over $1k on each. And, yes, I think that is a lot. There is a long history here of how money spent has been used against DH, which I won't get into, because people don't seem to think it's relevant.

I think it's fine if they like a gift more than another - we all do. But it's really challenging when they've been pre-programmed to think that if something doesn't cost a certain amount, then it lacks value.

This was the thing I was trying to convey with the movie example.