Feeling sad about Christmas

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP have you actually thought about how Christmas might be hard for these kids, who just want their real family for the holidays?

If they act out or have an attitude, where do you think that comes from

In honesty, no - I hadn't put it in that frame, exactly. And, while I get it, it's pretty offensive to think that the perception is that mom and dad together is real, but the way it is now is, somehow, not real?

We ALL have to deal with things that aren't the way we want them. But we don't get to be jerks about it.

I said I was feeling sad about the holidays and frustrated that the kids weren't expressing a little more gratitude at this time of year, but it's in general, as well.

Never once did I say I wanted to take away their presents, or spend less, or anything of the sort. We offer a lot to them, and a lot of it goes expressly unappreciated. Is it not ok to feel some level of hurt or sadness around that?

Also, here's the thing, I appreciate being able to have back and forth about this - even though I am getting a lot of crap for the conversation, and others would just have me "go back to the stepmommy boards for validation".

Can you actually sit with this thought, though, and respond to THIS THOUGHT?

Don't you think that they probably feel sad and frustrated this time of year? If they had one wish, I bet you anything it would be that they could be a real, whole family again. That they would see their mom and their dad and live in the same house all the time.

Instead, during the time that is supposed to be about love and joy and family, they have to deal with schedules, custody, two sets of everything. It's overload. It's shuttling around. It's not only their own, real extended family, but spending time with strangers who they are supposed to have some type of connection with just becuase their mom or dad chose some other person with another family to deal with.

Have you ever thought about that, and sat with that thought. You might find some grace and patience if you think about what chaos and complexity has been added to their holidays because of divorce and remarriage.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP have you actually thought about how Christmas might be hard for these kids, who just want their real family for the holidays?

If they act out or have an attitude, where do you think that comes from

In honesty, no - I hadn't put it in that frame, exactly. And, while I get it, it's pretty offensive to think that the perception is that mom and dad together is real, but the way it is now is, somehow, not real?

We ALL have to deal with things that aren't the way we want them. But we don't get to be jerks about it.

I said I was feeling sad about the holidays and frustrated that the kids weren't expressing a little more gratitude at this time of year, but it's in general, as well.

Never once did I say I wanted to take away their presents, or spend less, or anything of the sort. We offer a lot to them, and a lot of it goes expressly unappreciated. Is it not ok to feel some level of hurt or sadness around that?

Also, here's the thing, I appreciate being able to have back and forth about this - even though I am getting a lot of crap for the conversation, and others would just have me "go back to the stepmommy boards for validation".

That (the bolded) is because you are looking at this from YOUR point of view, OP, and not theirs.

They are not adults, you are. They do not have life perspective, you do. They did not choose to have their parents break up. You benefitted from that.

Can you really not understand this?

No matter how great of a step-mother you are, no matter how much you love their dad, no matter how much you love them -- all of which I hope is true -- none of that compensates for the fact that their intact home world, at some point in their lives, was shattered. And they were powerless to stop it and are just expected to march through life, being appropriately "grateful" for what you and their dad do for them.

That you cannot see this from their point of view astounds me.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP have you actually thought about how Christmas might be hard for these kids, who just want their real family for the holidays?

If they act out or have an attitude, where do you think that comes from

In honesty, no - I hadn't put it in that frame, exactly. And, while I get it, it's pretty offensive to think that the perception is that mom and dad together is real, but the way it is now is, somehow, not real?

We ALL have to deal with things that aren't the way we want them. But we don't get to be jerks about it.

I said I was feeling sad about the holidays and frustrated that the kids weren't expressing a little more gratitude at this time of year, but it's in general, as well.

Never once did I say I wanted to take away their presents, or spend less, or anything of the sort. We offer a lot to them, and a lot of it goes expressly unappreciated. Is it not ok to feel some level of hurt or sadness around that?

Also, here's the thing, I appreciate being able to have back and forth about this - even though I am getting a lot of crap for the conversation, and others would just have me "go back to the stepmommy boards for validation".

That (the bolded) is because you are looking at this from YOUR point of view, OP, and not theirs.

They are not adults, you are. They do not have life perspective, you do. They did not choose to have their parents break up. You benefitted from that.

Can you really not understand this?

No matter how great of a step-mother you are, no matter how much you love their dad, no matter how much you love them -- all of which I hope is true -- none of that compensates for the fact that their intact home world, at some point in their lives, was shattered. And they were powerless to stop it and are just expected to march through life, being appropriately "grateful" for what you and their dad do for them.

That you cannot see this from their point of view astounds me.

100% this.

[Anonymous]

Ok.

I get it. I am a horrible person, who lacks empathy, grace, and perspective.

I vented. Which happens a lot on these boards. But I also happen to have a step associated with my position - so, no matter what I do, or how I act - short of saintly - it will never, ever be good enough.

You're all right. There is no need for me to try, no need for me to care any more. They have their real mom, and I'm sure she has all the answers - and I'm sure they'll grow up just fine under her stellar tutelage. Maybe someday she'll share with them why she broke up their family.

Thank you for making me see what is real and true.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Ok.

I get it. I am a horrible person, who lacks empathy, grace, and perspective.

I vented. Which happens a lot on these boards. But I also happen to have a step associated with my position - so, no matter what I do, or how I act - short of saintly - it will never, ever be good enough.

You're all right. There is no need for me to try, no need for me to care any more. They have their real mom, and I'm sure she has all the answers - and I'm sure they'll grow up just fine under her stellar tutelage. Maybe someday she'll share with them why she broke up their family.

Thank you for making me see what is real and true.

Well if there was any doubt about your true character or intention before, there's none now.

You can't even sit with that thought, that this is a hard time of year for them. You can take them out for all the movies and buy them all the presents, but this is still a difficult, overwhelming, complex time of year for them. The fact that you can't take one moment to acknowledge that, and allow that reality to make room for some grace and perspective in your heart tells us everything we need to know about you.

Wow.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Ok.

I get it. I am a horrible person, who lacks empathy, grace, and perspective.

I vented. Which happens a lot on these boards. But I also happen to have a step associated with my position - so, no matter what I do, or how I act - short of saintly - it will never, ever be good enough.

You're all right. There is no need for me to try, no need for me to care any more. They have their real mom, and I'm sure she has all the answers - and I'm sure they'll grow up just fine under her stellar tutelage. Maybe someday she'll share with them why she broke up their family.

Thank you for making me see what is real and true.

Well if there was any doubt about your true character or intention before, there's none now.

You can't even sit with that thought, that this is a hard time of year for them. You can take them out for all the movies and buy them all the presents, but this is still a difficult, overwhelming, complex time of year for them. The fact that you can't take one moment to acknowledge that, and allow that reality to make room for some grace and perspective in your heart tells us everything we need to know about you.

Wow.

Yep. You are 100%, unquestionably, unequivocally right.

Feel good?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Ok.

I get it. I am a horrible person, who lacks empathy, grace, and perspective.

I vented. Which happens a lot on these boards. But I also happen to have a step associated with my position - so, no matter what I do, or how I act - short of saintly - it will never, ever be good enough.

You're all right. There is no need for me to try, no need for me to care any more. They have their real mom, and I'm sure she has all the answers - and I'm sure they'll grow up just fine under her stellar tutelage. Maybe someday she'll share with them why she broke up their family.

Thank you for making me see what is real and true.


You really are passive-aggressive you know? Therapy before you lay all this competition with the exW on the kids. Pronto.

[Anonymous]

Last para above.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Last para above.

Nope.

I'm out. Finito. Dropping the rope.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Last para above.

Nope.

I'm out. Finito. Dropping the rope.

Oh, good idea. Do that. Your husband's children will be so much better off if you do. I hope they recover from a difficult holiday, and that their next holiday is better.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I can clearly see the kids issues with step mom, and it has zero to do with money and presents. OP, read the definition of empathy and then practice it.

Great advice, thank you.

Maybe you might want to practice some in the new year, as well.

That's precisely what I am doing. I'm looking at this from your stepchildren's view. I suggest you try this.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Last para above.

Nope.

I'm out. Finito. Dropping the rope.

Didn't get the sympathy you were looking for, huh?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Last para above.

Nope.

I'm out. Finito. Dropping the rope.

Didn't get the sympathy you were looking for, huh?

No, that’s not the issue.

It’s simply that this exchange has made me realize that I’m not cut out for this. I don’t enjoy even the peripheral role I play in parenting these kids, and I really don’t enjoy having to navigate the murky waters that are a part of this situation.

I love my DH to bits - but I can’t find that same level of love for his kids. I know I’ll get beat to a pulp for saying that, but it’s the truth. Despite what folks seem to think, I really did try my best for the past few years and, unfortunately, think it’s time to admit that I’ve failed.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Last para above.

Nope.

I'm out. Finito. Dropping the rope.

Didn't get the sympathy you were looking for, huh?

No, that’s not the issue.

It’s simply that this exchange has made me realize that I’m not cut out for this. I don’t enjoy even the peripheral role I play in parenting these kids, and I really don’t enjoy having to navigate the murky waters that are a part of this situation.

I love my DH to bits - but I can’t find that same level of love for his kids. I know I’ll get beat to a pulp for saying that, but it’s the truth. Despite what folks seem to think, I really did try my best for the past few years and, unfortunately, think it’s time to admit that I’ve failed.

I think you have to ask yourself whether you want to make the changes you need to make in order to be happier in this situation or whether you want to keep doing what you're doing and feeling resentful. I'm one of the PPs who had been tough on you because you don't seem to want to make it better, you just want to be angry and feel sorry for yourself.

I guarantee you that the amount of pain you are feeling is far less than what those kids are experiencing, and they didn't sign up for one minute of this. It's been handed to them by every adult. The only way to resolve this for yourself is to understand (empathize) with those kids. Once you do that, really do that, everything will change for you.

You will see that they don't enjoy the tension between their parents, despite the fact that they get lots of stuff. And they don't relish moving their entire lives back and forth to accommodate the adults because really... how can you feel like "home" is 2 places?

And if they don't act appreciative it's because they aren't. Being a kid in a divorce sucks! Yes it's life, I think divorce is the right solution to bad marriages but the kids pay the price.

Focusing on Christmas presents is missing the big picture. Try to understand and relate to these kids.

[Anonymous]

It is clear that OP is not a parent herself, or if she is she has very young children. She sounds young herself. Childless people are generally totally clueless when it comes to how teens and kids should act. I pity her dh who has to listen to his wife put down his kids day in and day out.
BTW, no this is not posted for you OP, this is posted for other pps here, who can clearly see that you come first to yourself and you want to come first to every single person. Maybe one day OP will mature and stop being a selfish arse.