Feeling sad about Christmas
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Anonymous
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A lot of parents can't give it up for their own kids. It's probably a lot harder for a step parent.
OP, I admire your honesty in giving up if that's what you want to do. Your step kids will have to deal with you as you are. But it would be great for you to understand how to put someone else's needs first. It's just generally a good experience, as a human being, step parent or not. Again, many parents on this board cannot do that for their own kids but you should try it. |
Anonymous
OP I've been one of the posters who is hard on you here ... but guess what, this is the BEST post you have made! It's TOTALLY OK! that you don't love his kids! You don't have to love his kids! As a former step-kid and a soon-to-be-divorced mom who is contemplated possible stepparents in my child's future, here is what I think the role of a stepmother is: - Create a welcoming space for the kids - Support their biological parent in parenting them That's it. You don't have to love them. Or even like them that much. |
Anonymous
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You don't have to love or even like them.
You do have to stay in your lane; if you are choosing not to be a loving, supportive, parent-like figure to them, then STAY IN YOUR LANE. Be cordial, be welcoming, be polite, be patient, be kind. Be a safe person they can eventually feel comfortable around. That's about it. Stop with the judgment, criticism, expectations. Maybe try to see things from their perspective for once. Just leave them alone and leave their actual parents to do the parenting. Respect that their real family will always exist, and don't try to fight that. You came into a family, not the other way around. |
Anonymous
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NP here. There are two separate topics going on here. First is the issue of gratitude for things that are done. The second is the step-parent/bio-parent relationship issue.
First, on gratitude. I agree with the poster who said that if they ask for something and you do it for them, they should express gratitude. If you opt to do something for them that they didn't ask for, it is nice if they express gratitude, but they shouldn't be chided for not saying thanks. In your situation, they mentioned they were excited about the movie coming out. They could see it with their mother, but you chose to take them first. I think this leans more in the latter category, that you chose to do this, rather than that they asked for it and I would give them a pass. I also think that during times like winter break, near a birthday or near a holiday like Christmas, that they should be given a pass for their parents. It is expected that parents will do something special for birthday or Christmas, possibly several special events and/or presents and they shouldn't be expected to show gratitude for every individual event or gift. I think a general thank you at the end of the winter break or at the end of an event for all of the above, is sufficient. I teach my children that they can thank each adult once for everything tied to Christmas or a day/event at the end. They shouldn't have to thank each adult multiple times through a day or weekend for a holiday. I think then the gratitude becomes more tedious for everyone than the courtesy it extends. For the second issue, step-parent vs bio-parent, I think that step-parents need to recognize that they are not in competition with the bio-parent. They are an additional parent added into the family, not a replacement. You should not be competing with your husband's ex-wife. And while you don't think you are, you are trying to compete. You, your husband and his ex-wife need to be working together to raise the best children that you all can. And that means looking out for their welfare, learning to cooperate rather than compete and trying to make things work out as smoothly as possible. You should be looking at what you can do to make their holiday special. You did that. Their mother did that. Yes, she outspent you; but that is really none of your business. She did what she thought was important to make their holiday special during her time with the kids. You and your husband did the same. But from the sounds of things, it sounds like you and your husband do keep tabs on what she does and you seem offended when she out-spends you. So what? You gave them special gifts and they enjoyed their holidays with you. If you aren't trying to compete with her, then you shouldn't care what she spends on them; because it isn't a competition. You can't buy love from children. If you try, you just end up teaching greed rather than love. Children won't know the difference unless you teach them. I'm not taking you to task for being a step-parent. I'm taking you to task for competing with your husband's ex. If you compete rather than cooperate, the only loser will be the children. They can tell there is divisiveness and can tell that there is friction. And it just makes things worse for them. If you work on cooperation with her to make holidays and events more pleasant, then the children will win. My brother and ex-sister-in-law divorced when their children were 5 and 3. They worked very hard over the next 20 years to make sure that they cooperated. They did whatever was necessary in the best interest of the children. They even ended up spending most holidays together, even after my XSIL remarried. And they raised two wonderful, healthy and successful girls who love both sides of their family and are grateful and appreciative of the love and support they got from their parents and step-parents for working together. One more suggestion. If you are trying to give them experiences or trips for holidays instead of gifts, consider scheduling the trip further away from the holiday instead of over the holiday. One of the biggest gifts that my brother and XSIL gave to my children is to never separate them for the holidays. They lived near each other and made sure that the kids got to spend time at both houses during the 48 hours of Christmas Eve and Christmas Day. That was something that the kids valued a lot, just being able to spend holidays with both parents. Going away over a holiday for a trip, while a wonderful gift and experience, is still taking them away from one parent or the other at a time when our society values family togetherness and you are only highlighting that their family is broken. So, I would suggest reconsidering when a vacation is planned and experienced and try to avoid holidays unless both parents are available and present (like maybe going to a special event near home where both parents can participate). |
Anonymous
First of all, thank you for taking the time to share your thoughts. I am a bit frustrated, because the perception here seems to be that I am the one competing. I have tried to convey that it is the other way around - and I have watched it unfold where EW competes with DH for several years, now. I can't make any of you believe or understand me - he very specifically does not want to compete with her. He very specifically wants to be a good co-parent. He has been unsuccessful in garnering her cooperation - in any aspect of their parenting relationship. There is never any middle ground - she always wants to make him wrong, and does it unabashedly in front of the kids. I know I'm supposed to stay in my lane, and I have really tried - but it is VERY hard to watch him be billed as the bad guy, or the parent who is less than, when he really isn't. Really. He isn't. So, here's the hard part. I've been sitting with this since I originally posted, and over the holiday. Maybe I was sad and angry because the writing was on the wall - that my relationship was coming to an end. Tomorrow marks a new year, and it will be the year that I choose to tell DH that I simply cannot live this life anymore. I know we made vows. I know I am breaking them. But this is too much. I feel parts of me stripping away and getting lost, and I don't want to become angry and bitter about that. I would rather acknowledge my failure and move on with my life, and let him move on with his. I honestly wish that he'll find someone who can love his kids, as well as him. As for me, I have learnt my lesson and will not again pursue a relationship with a man who has children. If that means I am alone for the remainder of my life, I have to be okay with that choice. Thanks again. |
Anonymous
| You are so full of drama that you can't even see how immature and ridiculous you sound. |
Anonymous
Long-winded PP again. Here's the point. If you and your husband aren't competing, then don't quantify the gifts or experiences that each side brings. Yes, his XW can compete and be a bean-counter and compare. Neither you nor your husband need to rise to the bait. If she tries to show him up in front of the kids because he spends less, then one of you needs to be the adult (since she can't) and point out that you aren't trying to buy their love and you aren't trying to compete. Love and raising children isn't about spending more money, but about giving them a good life and teaching them about values. If she can't take the hint, then just stop trying to counter her. While young the children may be beguiled by the greed, but if you and your husband do the right thing in teaching them values when they are young adults or adults, they will recognize the situation with what it was, that their mother tried to buy their love and cast their father in a bad light. I've known many friends who came from such families and they always viewed the parent who took the high road better than the one who took the low road. In this situation, while you may not be trying to compete, I think your husband is trying to compete with his ex-wife, otherwise, he wouldn't let her oneupmanship bother him and he wouldn't let her goad him into reacting. It only works if he acknowledges her childishness. As to your other point about not being up to the task, I think before you throw in the towel, you need to have a "come to Jesus" talk with your husband. You need to tell him that the current dynamic is not working for you. You need to be on the same page with your husband on how to deal with the children and how to deal with his XW. Right now, it sounds like both of them are letting their bad blood affect them and they are vying for "more affection" from the kids over the other parent. And that is only setting the whole family into a bad and dangerous dynamic. You and he need to come to terms and ultimately he and his XW need to come to terms about how to make the children's childhood more constructive. Right now, their current battle is just as destructive as their fights before divorce and ultimately one or both of them is going to pay for it when the children become adults. So, you need to help your husband see through the combat zone and figure out how to calm things down and be supportive of each other. Then he needs to have a talk with his XW. You can only do so much, but you have to help him navigate his relationship with the XW. You cannot do it for him, but you can help him see the path forward. If he isn't willing to have these talks with you, then you may be right, but I think you owe it to yourself and your marriage to try and have this discussion with him before you hit the point of no return. It isn't easy. Good luck. |
Anonymous
| Troll. |
Anonymous
Long winded PP above. I disagree. I've known several divorced families facing the exact same issue, with both exes vying to compete with the other to buy their children's love and to make the children pick them over the other parent. It's sad that they put their own fight ahead of the welfare of their children, but it's very common. And it isn't unusual for a step-parent to become another victim of the battle like the children. It sounds like this is happening. OP's husband is engaging with his ex and the bleed-off is ruining OP's marriage as well as the children's lives. The exes need to find a way to work together while there is time to salvage the children's childhood. |
Anonymous
| Bitch PP needs to stop using words like “real” to describe family. |
Anonymous
Thanks for chiming in with this. Here's the sticking point for me: you and another pp are saying it's ok to not like these kids - but how in the world does one create a welcoming space for people they don't like? I get that we all have to do it, in various parts of our life. But in our/their own home, which should be a place where you can be yourself (everyone, not just me)? Maybe I'm being obtuse, but I don't see how that works. Yes, I am the adult, so I should be able to deal - breathe, remove myself from the room, address things with DH - but it's flipping exhausting. Here's an example. One SC took some of my things. Out of my/DH's room. It was very, very apparent that the items were mine, that I was not asked, and that there was no permission given for them to be taken or used. I was shocked, hurt, and angry. And yet, I can say hi, and bye, and have a general conversation with this one. The other one? Barely acknowledges me, and I barely feel like acknowledging them. It's just tense and disconnected, and has been for a while. Our personalities just grate on each other. It's all horribly awkward, and I'm sure we're all tired of it. |
Anonymous
OP here. I wouldn't necessarily use your phrasing, but that felt offensive to me, as well. I, for one, don't feel that blood is necessarily the end all and be all. Blood can do some pretty effed up things to their own blood, and I, for one, have been treated better by my step dad than I ever was by my father... |
Anonymous
This is how you do it. You make a decision that your husband's relationship with his children is the most important consideration. Then when something goes awry with one of his children, instead of getting "shocked, hurt and angry" you try to remember that kids sometimes take stuff that isn't there's and you tell the child "hey, I see you borrowed my shirt without asking me. Please return it now and ask me next time if it's okay". No need to be "shocked, hurt and angry". It's a choice to stay calm and reasonable, and kiss easier to do if you remind yourself that your husband's relationship with his children is the most important consideration. If you don't agree with that premise then you shouldn't be a stepmother. It's a thankless job. |
Anonymous
| OP is a very messed up person herself, by her own account. Had basically no parenting models in her childhood. Now, she has no idea what a good parent, let alone a good step parent looks like. |
Anonymous
| I’m guessing there are a lot of bitter divorced women posting on this thread. I am in an intact marriage with no steps in sight, but I wouldn’t accept ungrateful behavior from my kids. If I took them to see a movie they wanted to see, they don’t necessarily have to say the words “thank you” but they have to show their appreciation through excitement, cheerfulness, maybe helping out with something without being asked, etc. If they act dour before and after I’ll be like WTF. Yes, I know divorced kids have it harder, but these kids hardly seem like they’re living a tough life, with $1500 presents showered on them. Divorce is harder if you’re poor. Both of their parents need to chat with them about being kind and appreciative. |