Feeling sad about Christmas

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I’m guessing there are a lot of bitter divorced women posting on this thread. I am in an intact marriage with no steps in sight, but I wouldn’t accept ungrateful behavior from my kids. If I took them to see a movie they wanted to see, they don’t necessarily have to say the words “thank you” but they have to show their appreciation through excitement, cheerfulness, maybe helping out with something without being asked, etc. If they act dour before and after I’ll be like WTF. Yes, I know divorced kids have it harder, but these kids hardly seem like they’re living a tough life, with $1500 presents showered on them. Divorce is harder if you’re poor. Both of their parents need to chat with them about being kind and appreciative.

1). You don't know the circumstance of the movie.

2) The second bolded part shows so much ignorance I don't even know where to start. It's incredibly materialistic to assume that kids of divorce don't have it tough because they get "stuff". It's shallow. And you gloss over "yeah, divorce sucks but...." as if you have a single clue as to how devastating it is. So let me help you.

Imagine a world where you have no say whatsoever in your family being ripped apart. You now have to spend half your life in one place and half in another, again no say on what the schedule is. You spend your holidays in a split situation, and guess what? You will never have a Christmas or a thanksgiving or a single holiday as an adult with your entire family. Your holidays will be split, your vacations will be split. When you have news to share you have to make two calls. When your kids want to visit grandma and grandpa they have to make two trips. Once you become an adult you will hear from both parents how you spend more time with the other parent, and when you factor in the time you spend with inlaws you will see just how complicated life and holidays and graduations and family pictures will be. If your parents really can't stand each other then who sits at your table at your wedding? Who walks you down the aisle? How do you word the wedding invitations? Are you getting the pattern here?

But yeah, enjoy $1500 in presents that you never asked for and were given because your mom and dad are using you as a pawn to compete. And you're not being grateful for it, what's wrong with you?

[Anonymous]

And I'm not a "bitter" woman who is divorced, I'm the grown woman whose parents were divorced and since they themselves were not children of divorce they had no clue what it was like. And neither do you.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Last para above.

Nope.

I'm out. Finito. Dropping the rope.

Didn't get the sympathy you were looking for, huh?

No, that’s not the issue.

It’s simply that this exchange has made me realize that I’m not cut out for this. I don’t enjoy even the peripheral role I play in parenting these kids, and I really don’t enjoy having to navigate the murky waters that are a part of this situation.

I love my DH to bits - but I can’t find that same level of love for his kids. I know I’ll get beat to a pulp for saying that, but it’s the truth. Despite what folks seem to think, I really did try my best for the past few years and, unfortunately, think it’s time to admit that I’ve failed.

OP I've been one of the posters who is hard on you here ... but guess what, this is the BEST post you have made! It's TOTALLY OK! that you don't love his kids! You don't have to love his kids!

As a former step-kid and a soon-to-be-divorced mom who is contemplated possible stepparents in my child's future, here is what I think the role of a stepmother is:

- Create a welcoming space for the kids
- Support their biological parent in parenting them

That's it. You don't have to love them. Or even like them that much.

Thanks for chiming in with this.

Here's the sticking point for me: you and another pp are saying it's ok to not like these kids - but how in the world does one create a welcoming space for people they don't like?

I get that we all have to do it, in various parts of our life. But in our/their own home, which should be a place where you can be yourself (everyone, not just me)? Maybe I'm being obtuse, but I don't see how that works. Yes, I am the adult, so I should be able to deal - breathe, remove myself from the room, address things with DH - but it's flipping exhausting.

Here's an example. One SC took some of my things. Out of my/DH's room. It was very, very apparent that the items were mine, that I was not asked, and that there was no permission given for them to be taken or used. I was shocked, hurt, and angry. And yet, I can say hi, and bye, and have a general conversation with this one.

The other one? Barely acknowledges me, and I barely feel like acknowledging them. It's just tense and disconnected, and has been for a while. Our personalities just grate on each other.

It's all horribly awkward, and I'm sure we're all tired of it.

If you can't hide that you dislike them, and you're miserable and uncomfortable when they are there, then yeah, divorce might be the answer. Honestly you should have figured this out before you got married to someone with kids.

For the record, what you describe is totally typical behavior. Of course it's annoying, but don't deal with this situation by painting the kids as monsters.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Thanks for chiming in with this.

Here's the sticking point for me: you and another pp are saying it's ok to not like these kids - but how in the world does one create a welcoming space for people they don't like?

I get that we all have to do it, in various parts of our life. But in our/their own home, which should be a place where you can be yourself (everyone, not just me)? Maybe I'm being obtuse, but I don't see how that works. Yes, I am the adult, so I should be able to deal - breathe, remove myself from the room, address things with DH - but it's flipping exhausting.

Here's an example. One SC took some of my things. Out of my/DH's room. It was very, very apparent that the items were mine, that I was not asked, and that there was no permission given for them to be taken or used. I was shocked, hurt, and angry. And yet, I can say hi, and bye, and have a general conversation with this one.

The other one? Barely acknowledges me, and I barely feel like acknowledging them. It's just tense and disconnected, and has been for a while. Our personalities just grate on each other.

It's all horribly awkward, and I'm sure we're all tired of it.

Yes, it's fine not to like the kids. How do you create a welcoming space for them? By adhering to common courtesy. How do you share an apartment with a roommate you don't like? Or how do you work for a company where you don't like your job partner or co-worker? How do you volunteer for an organization that you fervently and devotedly support when there is another key volunteer who you don't like?

So, you don't have to be friends with them. You have to set up the household so that it is welcoming to the kids, e.g. that they have bedrooms, hang out space and private space. You have to make sure that you or your spouse keeps the house stocked with foods that they'll eat and that you make arrangements for the types of activities of past times that they prefer; maybe not all of them, but make sure that there is at least some space that is kid friendly for them to hang out. There should be at least two spaces for hanging out, one where the kids hang out and one where the parents (including you, the step-parent) can hang out where you aren't on top of each other and can get away from each other. You also need to make sure that the house rules are ones that take into account their ages. While many kids can act more adult, it is often harder for younger kids and even middle aged kids (like tweens and early teens) to act mature consistently, especially if the visit is several days. So take that into account when setting house rules. The worse case scenarios I have seen are when a parent and step-parent set up a house where every room is fancy and has breakables and very mature decor. There is no room in the house where kids can play, enjoy themselves without risking damaging furniture or belongings.

As for your issues above, those you need to work out with your husband. There should be some punishment or at a minimum recompense for the children to come into your room and take or use your things without permission. Moving forward, if you can't find a way to stop such problems from recurring, then you should get a lock for your door. It isn't hard to replace the doorknob with a key locking doorknob (not those childproof ones that just take a screwdriver or skeleton key to open) and you just have to get used to closing and locking your door.

As for the one that you can barely tolerate, that too is okay. You can still be polite, say hello, goodbye, and provide them things that they need while in your home without having to spend time with them. This is where having two spaces, say a family room and a game room or a living room and a family room, come in. They have a place to hang out, you have a place to hang out; and they aren't the same. You need to be just polite enough to figure out what things the child needs while in your home. How would you deal if you had friends coming to visit who had a child the same age as your SC who you didn't like? Would you tell them not to come? Of course not. The only difference is that your SC will be coming back multiple times instead of once. So you make your home welcoming and accessible for the SC and then you let them do their own thing and you do yours.