Feeling sad about Christmas

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:All I want for Christmas is to see both my parents on Christmas morning; to be together and relaxed with my real family, not shuffled around with complicated plans, spending half the time feeling uncomfortable with strangers.

But hey...sorry I forgot to say thanks for the movie.

(By the way, OP? In real families, when we do things together as a family, like go to the movies, it's not a thank-you situation. That's just spending time together.)

NP. I expect my kids (4&7) to say thank you for taking them to the movies (which I just did for Frozen 2). It's expensive and it's a treat to go, so showing gratitude seems appropriate.

Fine, I'm sure you have taught them to say please and thank you for a long time, and this is just one more way to do it. I'm also sure you probably prompted them to do it, and you didn't just expect spontaneous wells of gratitude. I'm also pretty sure you don't have a covert agenda to find reasons to believe that your kids are bad kids, the way OP does.

And, it is weird to expect your small kids to say thank you for everything you spend on them. Do you also ask them to say thank you when you pay the mortgage and day care bill every month? Take them to the doctor? Put gas in the car? In the grocery check-out line? Going to the movies isn't exactly like giving your kid a glass of juice. They don't really understand that you're paying for them, not any more than they understand you're paying the mortgage every month. Saying thank you for buying movie tickets is a more sophisticated social interaction that I wouldn't really expect to happen unprompted until later.

No covert agenda here, but nice try.

I find it really interesting that many of you can't acknowledge that sometimes it is NOT the stepmom who is the bad guy. Whether you want to admit it or not, there are biomoms who can and do go to great lengths to alienate their children from their fathers, and I have been watching in in full force for a number of years. It is very sad, and very challenging to combat.

Maybe I didn't give a lot of backstory in my original post, but I don't know that would have mattered much...

Also, as I just posted, we can agree to disagree about what kids should be saying thank you for, but I think it's a pretty sad commentary that people think teens aren't capable of recognizing that they should offer a simple thank you for things - big, or small. You may disagree with me, but I think that this really contributes to a culture of entitlement...

Maybe don't act like the bad guy, and we won't say you are one. You are clearly dead set on the way kids "should" behave, as well as that their mom is out to get you. Sure, your stepkids might stand to be a little more proactively polite. But that doesn't mean they are bad or ungrateful kids - it means that they haven't been taught to do so. I don't see any sense here that you actually want to help teach the kids any, and a LOT more sense that you are aggrieved and deserve better. That's crappy evil step-mom behavior.

Yep, you're right. It's me, based on the judge and jury that is DCUM. Case closed.

Thank you.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP have you actually thought about how Christmas might be hard for these kids, who just want their real family for the holidays?

If they act out or have an attitude, where do you think that comes from

In honesty, no - I hadn't put it in that frame, exactly. And, while I get it, it's pretty offensive to think that the perception is that mom and dad together is real, but the way it is now is, somehow, not real?

We ALL have to deal with things that aren't the way we want them. But we don't get to be jerks about it.

I said I was feeling sad about the holidays and frustrated that the kids weren't expressing a little more gratitude at this time of year, but it's in general, as well.

Never once did I say I wanted to take away their presents, or spend less, or anything of the sort. We offer a lot to them, and a lot of it goes expressly unappreciated. Is it not ok to feel some level of hurt or sadness around that?

Also, here's the thing, I appreciate being able to have back and forth about this - even though I am getting a lot of crap for the conversation, and others would just have me "go back to the stepmommy boards for validation".

[Anonymous]

Okay. I'm a divorced mom. Offspring are older now, so this is no longer an issue for me, but...

Was this a movie your stepkids wanted to see and asked to see? If so, you're right; they should have said thank you. I guess a PP's kids aged 4 & 7 got the idea that mommy took them to a movie they wanted to see and thanked her. That's nice.

But...if you and their dad decided seeing a particular movie would be a good family experience and took them, well...don't expect a thank you. They won't see it as a "gift" to them. They probably see it as "dad and stepmom have to come up with things to do while we're there that don't involve talking with us." I'm not sure I'm making this clear, but there's a difference between doing something with your stepkids because it's something THEY want to do and which you don't really enjoy and doing some activity with your stepkids that they had no real input into choosing and fits your vision of "happy families."

My kid's stepmom probably had similar complaints about my D. Stepmom came up with elaborate plans to do the sorts of things she would enjoy doing with a daughter. One example was getting her an American Girl doll and the book that came with it. My D was the right age--but she just didn't like dolls and, the books were well below her reading level. If stepmom had handed the equivalent amount of money to spend, an American Girl doll wouldn't have been considered at all. So, no, my D wasn't all that grateful for getting something she didn't want. An adult would have "regifted" a comparable gift.

So, while it may just be that your stepkids are entitled brats, it may also be that what you go them just isn't something they wanted and you took them to see a movie they had no particular interest in seeing.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP have you actually thought about how Christmas might be hard for these kids, who just want their real family for the holidays?

If they act out or have an attitude, where do you think that comes from

In honesty, no - I hadn't put it in that frame, exactly. And, while I get it, it's pretty offensive to think that the perception is that mom and dad together is real, but the way it is now is, somehow, not real?

We ALL have to deal with things that aren't the way we want them. But we don't get to be jerks about it.

I said I was feeling sad about the holidays and frustrated that the kids weren't expressing a little more gratitude at this time of year, but it's in general, as well.

Never once did I say I wanted to take away their presents, or spend less, or anything of the sort. We offer a lot to them, and a lot of it goes expressly unappreciated. Is it not ok to feel some level of hurt or sadness around that?

Also, here's the thing, I appreciate being able to have back and forth about this - even though I am getting a lot of crap for the conversation, and others would just have me "go back to the stepmommy boards for validation".

YOU are the adult. THEY are the kids. So yeah, feeling hurt and sorry for yourself because a teenager did not say "thank you" is a sign that you're not thinking straight. As is the fact that you have zero insight into the fact that yes, it is not ideal for the kids to have to deal with two households.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP have you actually thought about how Christmas might be hard for these kids, who just want their real family for the holidays?

If they act out or have an attitude, where do you think that comes from

In honesty, no - I hadn't put it in that frame, exactly. And, while I get it, it's pretty offensive to think that the perception is that mom and dad together is real, but the way it is now is, somehow, not real?

We ALL have to deal with things that aren't the way we want them. But we don't get to be jerks about it.

I said I was feeling sad about the holidays and frustrated that the kids weren't expressing a little more gratitude at this time of year, but it's in general, as well.

Never once did I say I wanted to take away their presents, or spend less, or anything of the sort. We offer a lot to them, and a lot of it goes expressly unappreciated. Is it not ok to feel some level of hurt or sadness around that?

Also, here's the thing, I appreciate being able to have back and forth about this - even though I am getting a lot of crap for the conversation, and others would just have me "go back to the stepmommy boards for validation".

No, it's not "offensive" to recognize that you're not the child's actual mother. What's wrong with you?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP here.

Well, this blew up in a way that I did not expect - though I guess I shouldn't be surprised. Step moms definitely get their fair amount of flak on this forum.

There are a couple of things I'd like to share - first about why I am on this forum in particular, and second about my perception of gratitude.

There are a couple of other forums out there that are step mom specific - and I generally find them to be pretty negative and unhelpful. Sure, if I just wanted to have others "validate" (more like commiserate with) the fact that I "don't like my step kids", my step kids are "entitled brats", the biomom is "toxic and alienating" I could just post in those spaces. But that is not what I want, so I don't use them as a resource.

DCUM is not an easy space to be in as a step mom. But I DO find value here - even if it's sometimes hard to read. I don't personally think I am am evil step mom personified, and DH says I do and care a lot for his kids. Is it a struggle a LOT of the time? Yes, but as everyone likes to point out, this is what I signed up for. So I come here, doing my best to navigate what is a less than optimal situation. I think many of us find that to be the case in our lives, in one regard or another.

Now, about gratitude...

I just replied thank you to a poster who agrees that saying thank you for a movie is not an unrealistic expectation - but I am more struck by the number of parents posting here who think that this is NOT something to express gratitude for.

In my mind, expressing gratitude to family members - even/particularly for the small stuff - is basic. It is the thing that teaches us how to be grateful and gracious with others. DH and I model this in our home. We thank each other for cooking, for putting away the dishes, for doing the laundry - as well as when one of us takes the other out to dinner, or to an event.

I'm kind of shocked at how many people don't think this is important - but I guess we can agree to disagree.

Now that I am writing, there are a couple of other things that were in this thread...

To the point of these kids being from a split home - I'm sorry, but that is an excuse. I am the child of parents who were functional drug addicts. My childhood was a roller coaster of highs and lows, quite literally. Similarly, there are plenty of people in this world who are from less than ideal situations - and they can still manage to be grateful. We all face adversity - many of us in our formative years - but that doesn't give us free rein to sh** on people.

And, there seems to be an assumption that these are young kids, which they are not. They are early/mid teens. And, yeah, yeah, I know, teens are self absorbed, etc. etc.
That's all well and good - but it does not excuse them from having, and using, some manners, either.

Find the other thread about 26 yr old DSS. You are in that road. Why do you care so much about this and Dad doesn’t? You are trying to cause an issue/strife/etc. StemMom’s gonna Step, I guess? Not a way to build loving relationships.

[Anonymous]

I can clearly see the kids issues with step mom, and it has zero to do with money and presents. OP, read the definition of empathy and then practice it.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP have you actually thought about how Christmas might be hard for these kids, who just want their real family for the holidays?

If they act out or have an attitude, where do you think that comes from

In honesty, no - I hadn't put it in that frame, exactly. And, while I get it, it's pretty offensive to think that the perception is that mom and dad together is real, but the way it is now is, somehow, not real?

We ALL have to deal with things that aren't the way we want them. But we don't get to be jerks about it.

I said I was feeling sad about the holidays and frustrated that the kids weren't expressing a little more gratitude at this time of year, but it's in general, as well.

Never once did I say I wanted to take away their presents, or spend less, or anything of the sort. We offer a lot to them, and a lot of it goes expressly unappreciated. Is it not ok to feel some level of hurt or sadness around that?

Also, here's the thing, I appreciate being able to have back and forth about this - even though I am getting a lot of crap for the conversation, and others would just have me "go back to the stepmommy boards for validation".

No, it's not "offensive" to recognize that you're not the child's actual mother. What's wrong with you?

Good lord, that is not what I said.

I said it's offensive that the home that is being created for them by their dad and I isn't real.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I can clearly see the kids issues with step mom, and it has zero to do with money and presents. OP, read the definition of empathy and then practice it.

Great advice, thank you.

Maybe you might want to practice some in the new year, as well.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP have you actually thought about how Christmas might be hard for these kids, who just want their real family for the holidays?

If they act out or have an attitude, where do you think that comes from

In honesty, no - I hadn't put it in that frame, exactly. And, while I get it, it's pretty offensive to think that the perception is that mom and dad together is real, but the way it is now is, somehow, not real?

We ALL have to deal with things that aren't the way we want them. But we don't get to be jerks about it.

I said I was feeling sad about the holidays and frustrated that the kids weren't expressing a little more gratitude at this time of year, but it's in general, as well.

Never once did I say I wanted to take away their presents, or spend less, or anything of the sort. We offer a lot to them, and a lot of it goes expressly unappreciated. Is it not ok to feel some level of hurt or sadness around that?

Also, here's the thing, I appreciate being able to have back and forth about this - even though I am getting a lot of crap for the conversation, and others would just have me "go back to the stepmommy boards for validation".

No, it's not "offensive" to recognize that you're not the child's actual mother. What's wrong with you?

Good lord, that is not what I said.

I said it's offensive that the home that is being created for them by their dad and I isn't real.

Let me try to say this again: YOU are not their real mother.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP have you actually thought about how Christmas might be hard for these kids, who just want their real family for the holidays?

If they act out or have an attitude, where do you think that comes from

In honesty, no - I hadn't put it in that frame, exactly. And, while I get it, it's pretty offensive to think that the perception is that mom and dad together is real, but the way it is now is, somehow, not real?

We ALL have to deal with things that aren't the way we want them. But we don't get to be jerks about it.

I said I was feeling sad about the holidays and frustrated that the kids weren't expressing a little more gratitude at this time of year, but it's in general, as well.

Never once did I say I wanted to take away their presents, or spend less, or anything of the sort. We offer a lot to them, and a lot of it goes expressly unappreciated. Is it not ok to feel some level of hurt or sadness around that?

Also, here's the thing, I appreciate being able to have back and forth about this - even though I am getting a lot of crap for the conversation, and others would just have me "go back to the stepmommy boards for validation".

YOU are the adult. THEY are the kids. So yeah, feeling hurt and sorry for yourself because a teenager did not say "thank you" is a sign that you're not thinking straight. As is the fact that you have zero insight into the fact that yes, it is not ideal for the kids to have to deal with two households.

I never said I thought this was an ideal situation. And it is not a situation that I created. I didn't get pregnant. I didn't cheat on my husband and kids. I didn't actively work to alienate said kids from their father.

If you read some of my other posts, the lack of gratitude is displayed elsewhere - and I think the feeling became overwhelming leading up to the holiday.

I am doing my best to stand alongside DH and support him as he parents through the next few years. And, yes, when I see how they act towards him, it hurts. I don't see how that isn't ok. I'm not allowed to feel?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP have you actually thought about how Christmas might be hard for these kids, who just want their real family for the holidays?

If they act out or have an attitude, where do you think that comes from

In honesty, no - I hadn't put it in that frame, exactly. And, while I get it, it's pretty offensive to think that the perception is that mom and dad together is real, but the way it is now is, somehow, not real?

We ALL have to deal with things that aren't the way we want them. But we don't get to be jerks about it.

I said I was feeling sad about the holidays and frustrated that the kids weren't expressing a little more gratitude at this time of year, but it's in general, as well.

Never once did I say I wanted to take away their presents, or spend less, or anything of the sort. We offer a lot to them, and a lot of it goes expressly unappreciated. Is it not ok to feel some level of hurt or sadness around that?

Also, here's the thing, I appreciate being able to have back and forth about this - even though I am getting a lot of crap for the conversation, and others would just have me "go back to the stepmommy boards for validation".

No, it's not "offensive" to recognize that you're not the child's actual mother. What's wrong with you?

Good lord, that is not what I said.

I said it's offensive that the home that is being created for them by their dad and I isn't real.

Let me try to say this again: YOU are not their real mother.

Wait: let me be clear. I KNOW I am not their real mother. Never said I was.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Okay. I'm a divorced mom. Offspring are older now, so this is no longer an issue for me, but...

Was this a movie your stepkids wanted to see and asked to see? If so, you're right; they should have said thank you. I guess a PP's kids aged 4 & 7 got the idea that mommy took them to a movie they wanted to see and thanked her. That's nice.

But...if you and their dad decided seeing a particular movie would be a good family experience and took them, well...don't expect a thank you. They won't see it as a "gift" to them. They probably see it as "dad and stepmom have to come up with things to do while we're there that don't involve talking with us." I'm not sure I'm making this clear, but there's a difference between doing something with your stepkids because it's something THEY want to do and which you don't really enjoy and doing some activity with your stepkids that they had no real input into choosing and fits your vision of "happy families."

My kid's stepmom probably had similar complaints about my D. Stepmom came up with elaborate plans to do the sorts of things she would enjoy doing with a daughter. One example was getting her an American Girl doll and the book that came with it. My D was the right age--but she just didn't like dolls and, the books were well below her reading level. If stepmom had handed the equivalent amount of money to spend, an American Girl doll wouldn't have been considered at all. So, no, my D wasn't all that grateful for getting something she didn't want. An adult would have "regifted" a comparable gift.

So, while it may just be that your stepkids are entitled brats, it may also be that what you go them just isn't something they wanted and you took them to see a movie they had no particular interest in seeing.

Thank you for chiming in. I appreciate your insights.

Yes, they had expressed interest in seeing the movie. They didn't ask us specifically to take them - but they were excited it was coming out. So we decided it would be fun to go, since we had them the week it came out. So, maybe its a little of both? I don't know. I thought we were doing the right thing by surprising them.

That said, your points are well taken. And when it comes to gifts, we do our best to find out what they want. Personally, I would much rather choose from options of things someone really wants than try to gift something I *think* someone might want. Unless I know then really, really well - and that definitely does not describe the relationship between me and SC.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP here.

Well, this blew up in a way that I did not expect - though I guess I shouldn't be surprised. Step moms definitely get their fair amount of flak on this forum.

There are a couple of things I'd like to share - first about why I am on this forum in particular, and second about my perception of gratitude.

There are a couple of other forums out there that are step mom specific - and I generally find them to be pretty negative and unhelpful. Sure, if I just wanted to have others "validate" (more like commiserate with) the fact that I "don't like my step kids", my step kids are "entitled brats", the biomom is "toxic and alienating" I could just post in those spaces. But that is not what I want, so I don't use them as a resource.

DCUM is not an easy space to be in as a step mom. But I DO find value here - even if it's sometimes hard to read. I don't personally think I am am evil step mom personified, and DH says I do and care a lot for his kids. Is it a struggle a LOT of the time? Yes, but as everyone likes to point out, this is what I signed up for. So I come here, doing my best to navigate what is a less than optimal situation. I think many of us find that to be the case in our lives, in one regard or another.

Now, about gratitude...

I just replied thank you to a poster who agrees that saying thank you for a movie is not an unrealistic expectation - but I am more struck by the number of parents posting here who think that this is NOT something to express gratitude for.

In my mind, expressing gratitude to family members - even/particularly for the small stuff - is basic. It is the thing that teaches us how to be grateful and gracious with others. DH and I model this in our home. We thank each other for cooking, for putting away the dishes, for doing the laundry - as well as when one of us takes the other out to dinner, or to an event.

I'm kind of shocked at how many people don't think this is important - but I guess we can agree to disagree.

Now that I am writing, there are a couple of other things that were in this thread...

To the point of these kids being from a split home - I'm sorry, but that is an excuse. I am the child of parents who were functional drug addicts. My childhood was a roller coaster of highs and lows, quite literally. Similarly, there are plenty of people in this world who are from less than ideal situations - and they can still manage to be grateful. We all face adversity - many of us in our formative years - but that doesn't give us free rein to sh** on people.

And, there seems to be an assumption that these are young kids, which they are not. They are early/mid teens. And, yeah, yeah, I know, teens are self absorbed, etc. etc.
That's all well and good - but it does not excuse them from having, and using, some manners, either.

Find the other thread about 26 yr old DSS. You are in that road. Why do you care so much about this and Dad doesn’t? You are trying to cause an issue/strife/etc. StemMom’s gonna Step, I guess? Not a way to build loving relationships.

I will look for that thread. Thanks for the suggestion.

[Anonymous]

Your husband is supposed to be teaching them things like manners and gratitude-don’t blame the kids!