Feeling sad about Christmas

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Wow. That’s a lot of money! We definitely overdo Xmas, but it still works out to less than $900/kid!

Sorry if I was unclear - DH and I spent about $900 total - so bt &400-450 per kid.

AND they will get $1k worth of stuff from their mom.

It makes me sick to think about it, especially how little gratitude they seem able to muster.

You are a nightmare stepmother. The resentment you have for those kids is oozing out all over the place.

OP here. I had made a total of two posts, I believe, with about ten sentences - and what I think and feel is oozing all over the place?

I think you need to check yourself - because your skewed perception of stepmoms is pretty oozy itself.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP, YOU are seeing things in terms of dollars signs. Re-evaluate THAT.

I kind of agree. How do you know how much she is spending and why are you tracking? I think the real problem is that you see this as some sort of competition, which it is not. You are assuming that her intention is to outdo you...and you know what they say about assumptions.

The kids have two parents/families who adore them and that is great. Work on teaching gratitude, absolutely, but don’t blame her entirely for their lack of it.

I'm not "tracking"

I am aware for the simple fact that the kids themselves are telling their dad what their mom is buying them.

I am also not assuming anything. Her intention is always to "outdo" him. It is very, very obvious - and very, very challenging to counter.

It's so interesting that the set of parents who are doing their best to instill values in these kids are the ones who are seen as competitive. I'm not being competitive. I'm sad at their continual exhibition of entitlement instead of gratitude. .

And, I do think the kids perceive it as a competition - favoring the one who spends more, with little to no regard for the efforts of the one who doesn't.

Look, it's fine to be excited about big gifts and things, but true gratitude starts with the little stuff.

Dude, you are the caricature of the evil stepmother. Can you listen to yourself for a second? you want to TAKE PRESENTS AWAY from your stepchildren, that THEIR MOTHER gives them??? What is WRONG with you?

[Anonymous]

Here's the bottom line in this situation - and not just OP's stepkids, but all children of divorce.

These kids are in the situation they are in because adults who could not keep a marriage together put them there. It is not their fault that they have two homes, two families and thus two piles of presents. I would bet my bottom dollar that they would trade all of the gifts and other crap for a stable home that does not have them shuttling back and forth, and dealing with parents/ step-parents who turn them into a competition.

OP, you need to get over yourself. This is not about you. You and their father are supposed to be the adults in this situation. I'm sorry you feel "sad" and so put upon, but this is the situation you walked into when you got yourself involved with a divorced father with young children. Their needs, happiness, emotions and sense of security come before yours. Buck up and wait it out til they turn 18; then you can go to town with your wallowing.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You took your own kids to the movies and bought them some popcorn and you are mad they didn't say thank you? If we go as a family to see a movie or to the park or out go eat my kids don't thank us. If they go out with someone else they do thank the person.

Kids also like experiences not always material things and 6 months from now they might not remember who bought them what. I can picture you being annoyed with them after the movie and them not wanting to go out with you again.

+1. I mean, we’re the kids complaining through the movie or were they enjoying it and excited and animated? That’s how kids show appreciation to their own parents. Not by saying “thank you for buying me popcorn, dad!” I’m unclear on what you’re expecting. If they’re being rude about it and actively expressing dislike, then I wouldn’t take them again, lesson learned. But if they’re happy and excited and chatting and recalling the movie, then that is appreciation. Kids don’t say thank you to their parents for every little thing. We went to Disney recently. I don’t think my kids said “thank you” but I know they appreciated it and enjoyed it.

Exactly. And I will add, teaching good manners (please and thank you) is a long-term thing, not just limited to getting pissed off that your step kid doesn't grovel enough when you take them to the movies. My kid is 7 and I have spent 7 years reminding him to say please and thank you. He still needs to be reminded almost every time, but now he also bursts out in spontaneous "Mommy thank you SO MUCH!!" and it is awesome. And while I enforce please and thank you for every day things (like asking for a glass of juice or whatever), I don't think it would occur to me to expect him to thank me for a trip to the movies. It's something we do together, not really something I do for him. He doesn't understand money well enough yet to get that I am paying for us both.

[Anonymous]

Adults create broken homes and complicated dynamics with new families (AKA strangers that children are somehow now expected to see as family), and children are expected to "act right" about all of it?

Wow. OK, OP.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:In an intact family, they would get one set of gifts. Since they are receiving two sets in your family, each parent should each spend half. Have you tried discussing that with your ex-spouse? I know what you think about her, but have you actually raised the discussion?

Most kids in this area don't need MORE things. If you spend less on consumer goods, you can have more experiences together, maybe send them to a better college or study abroad experience. Good luck.

OP here.

You have a good point, and thank you. I'm not sure whether DH has had this discussion in this frame.

In the past, DH, and then DH and I did bring them on trips for Christmas. This year we asked for their input - and they decided they wanted bigger ticket "things" rather than the trip.

It wasn't DH's first choice - and we're discussing how to move forward next year.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP, YOU are seeing things in terms of dollars signs. Re-evaluate THAT.

I kind of agree. How do you know how much she is spending and why are you tracking? I think the real problem is that you see this as some sort of competition, which it is not. You are assuming that her intention is to outdo you...and you know what they say about assumptions.

The kids have two parents/families who adore them and that is great. Work on teaching gratitude, absolutely, but don’t blame her entirely for their lack of it.

I'm not "tracking"

I am aware for the simple fact that the kids themselves are telling their dad what their mom is buying them.

I am also not assuming anything. Her intention is always to "outdo" him. It is very, very obvious - and very, very challenging to counter.

It's so interesting that the set of parents who are doing their best to instill values in these kids are the ones who are seen as competitive. I'm not being competitive. I'm sad at their continual exhibition of entitlement instead of gratitude. .

And, I do think the kids perceive it as a competition - favoring the one who spends more, with little to no regard for the efforts of the one who doesn't.

Look, it's fine to be excited about big gifts and things, but true gratitude starts with the little stuff.

Dude, you are the caricature of the evil stepmother. Can you listen to yourself for a second? you want to TAKE PRESENTS AWAY from your stepchildren, that THEIR MOTHER gives them??? What is WRONG with you?

Are you freaking KIDDING me?

I never said I wanted to take anything away.

I am sad about the lack of gratitude.

Your hatred for the evil stepmother is negatively impacting your reading comprehension..

[Anonymous]

All I want for Christmas is to see both my parents on Christmas morning; to be together and relaxed with my real family, not shuffled around with complicated plans, spending half the time feeling uncomfortable with strangers.

But hey...sorry I forgot to say thanks for the movie.

(By the way, OP? In real families, when we do things together as a family, like go to the movies, it's not a thank-you situation. That's just spending time together.)

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Here's the bottom line in this situation - and not just OP's stepkids, but all children of divorce.

These kids are in the situation they are in because adults who could not keep a marriage together put them there. It is not their fault that they have two homes, two families and thus two piles of presents. I would bet my bottom dollar that they would trade all of the gifts and other crap for a stable home that does not have them shuttling back and forth, and dealing with parents/ step-parents who turn them into a competition.

OP, you need to get over yourself. This is not about you. You and their father are supposed to be the adults in this situation. I'm sorry you feel "sad" and so put upon, but this is the situation you walked into when you got yourself involved with a divorced father with young children. Their needs, happiness, emotions and sense of security come before yours. Buck up and wait it out til they turn 18; then you can go to town with your wallowing.

It’s clear that whatever troubles or issues these kids have, OP will place the blame on EW instead of looking inward and at the big picture.

[Anonymous]

So you are a stepmom?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP, YOU are seeing things in terms of dollars signs. Re-evaluate THAT.

I kind of agree. How do you know how much she is spending and why are you tracking? I think the real problem is that you see this as some sort of competition, which it is not. You are assuming that her intention is to outdo you...and you know what they say about assumptions.

The kids have two parents/families who adore them and that is great. Work on teaching gratitude, absolutely, but don’t blame her entirely for their lack of it.

I'm not "tracking"

I am aware for the simple fact that the kids themselves are telling their dad what their mom is buying them.

I am also not assuming anything. Her intention is always to "outdo" him. It is very, very obvious - and very, very challenging to counter.

It's so interesting that the set of parents who are doing their best to instill values in these kids are the ones who are seen as competitive. I'm not being competitive. I'm sad at their continual exhibition of entitlement instead of gratitude. .

And, I do think the kids perceive it as a competition - favoring the one who spends more, with little to no regard for the efforts of the one who doesn't.

Look, it's fine to be excited about big gifts and things, but true gratitude starts with the little stuff.

Dude, you are the caricature of the evil stepmother. Can you listen to yourself for a second? you want to TAKE PRESENTS AWAY from your stepchildren, that THEIR MOTHER gives them??? What is WRONG with you?

Are you freaking KIDDING me?

I never said I wanted to take anything away.

I am sad about the lack of gratitude.

Your hatred for the evil stepmother is negatively impacting your reading comprehension..

You haven't responded to the multiple posts here that explain how off-base you are to expect "gratitude" and to be fixated on the delusion about their mother trying to compete with you by giving more gifts. you sound extremely, extremely self-centered. being fixated on the proper response to gifts and "sad" that you don't get the picture-perfect Christmas you apparently think you deserve, are huge tells of being the evil stepmother.

The definition of "evil stepmother" is a woman who projects her insecurities onto her step-children and their mother to demonize them. you're doing that, in spades. get help.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Here's the bottom line in this situation - and not just OP's stepkids, but all children of divorce.

These kids are in the situation they are in because adults who could not keep a marriage together put them there. It is not their fault that they have two homes, two families and thus two piles of presents. I would bet my bottom dollar that they would trade all of the gifts and other crap for a stable home that does not have them shuttling back and forth, and dealing with parents/ step-parents who turn them into a competition.

OP, you need to get over yourself. This is not about you. You and their father are supposed to be the adults in this situation. I'm sorry you feel "sad" and so put upon, but this is the situation you walked into when you got yourself involved with a divorced father with young children. Their needs, happiness, emotions and sense of security come before yours. Buck up and wait it out til they turn 18; then you can go to town with your wallowing.

It’s clear that whatever troubles or issues these kids have, OP will place the blame on EW instead of looking inward and at the big picture.

Yes. And she'll also turn normal developmental stuff into blaming the kids for being bad/ungrateful/whatever the offense-du-jour is.

[Anonymous]

It is pretty normal that mom will buy awesome things for her own kids. This is about you being in a competition, how do kids even know how much what costs? My kids are 18 and 20, one got the ipad the other xbox, sure they will find out that one was more expensive, but one also got more clothes because she cares more about clothes than her brother. You are in a sick competition with your husbands ex. Counting to the dollar how much what cost. It sounds like you are the one buying the presents and wanting to be loved. Needy and pathetic.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:All I want for Christmas is to see both my parents on Christmas morning; to be together and relaxed with my real family, not shuffled around with complicated plans, spending half the time feeling uncomfortable with strangers.

But hey...sorry I forgot to say thanks for the movie.

(By the way, OP? In real families, when we do things together as a family, like go to the movies, it's not a thank-you situation. That's just spending time together.)

NP. I expect my kids (4&7) to say thank you for taking them to the movies (which I just did for Frozen 2). It's expensive and it's a treat to go, so showing gratitude seems appropriate.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:All I want for Christmas is to see both my parents on Christmas morning; to be together and relaxed with my real family, not shuffled around with complicated plans, spending half the time feeling uncomfortable with strangers.

But hey...sorry I forgot to say thanks for the movie.

(By the way, OP? In real families, when we do things together as a family, like go to the movies, it's not a thank-you situation. That's just spending time together.)

NP. I expect my kids (4&7) to say thank you for taking them to the movies (which I just did for Frozen 2). It's expensive and it's a treat to go, so showing gratitude seems appropriate.

Fine, I'm sure you have taught them to say please and thank you for a long time, and this is just one more way to do it. I'm also sure you probably prompted them to do it, and you didn't just expect spontaneous wells of gratitude. I'm also pretty sure you don't have a covert agenda to find reasons to believe that your kids are bad kids, the way OP does.

And, it is weird to expect your small kids to say thank you for everything you spend on them. Do you also ask them to say thank you when you pay the mortgage and day care bill every month? Take them to the doctor? Put gas in the car? In the grocery check-out line? Going to the movies isn't exactly like giving your kid a glass of juice. They don't really understand that you're paying for them, not any more than they understand you're paying the mortgage every month. Saying thank you for buying movie tickets is a more sophisticated social interaction that I wouldn't really expect to happen unprompted until later.