Feeling sad about Christmas

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:You took your own kids to the movies and bought them some popcorn and you are mad they didn't say thank you? If we go as a family to see a movie or to the park or out go eat my kids don't thank us. If they go out with someone else they do thank the person.

Kids also like experiences not always material things and 6 months from now they might not remember who bought them what. I can picture you being annoyed with them after the movie and them not wanting to go out with you again.

+1. I mean, we’re the kids complaining through the movie or were they enjoying it and excited and animated? That’s how kids show appreciation to their own parents. Not by saying “thank you for buying me popcorn, dad!” I’m unclear on what you’re expecting. If they’re being rude about it and actively expressing dislike, then I wouldn’t take them again, lesson learned. But if they’re happy and excited and chatting and recalling the movie, then that is appreciation. Kids don’t say thank you to their parents for every little thing. We went to Disney recently. I don’t think my kids said “thank you” but I know they appreciated it and enjoyed it.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Wow okay gratitude/no gratitude is about your parenting, not what the kids are getting. Rich kids are capable of being grateful and poor kids are capable of being brats. You’re blaming the kids for being poorly parented instead of blaming yourself and your husband for your failings.

Personally I don’t think you can teach gratitude. You can model / show it but you are either a grateful person or you aren’t.

[Anonymous]

Sounds like the parents might be competing, but I'm not sure it's the kids' fault.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Wow okay gratitude/no gratitude is about your parenting, not what the kids are getting. Rich kids are capable of being grateful and poor kids are capable of being brats. You’re blaming the kids for being poorly parented instead of blaming yourself and your husband for your failings.

Personally I don’t think you can teach gratitude. You can model / show it but you are either a grateful person or you aren’t.

Even assuming this is right (I don’t think it is but reasonable minds may differ here) then you can’t teach the inverse either (so ex wife isn’t causing ingratitude).

[Anonymous]

It’s not a competition. That is their mom.

[Anonymous]

I would just withdraw from the competition. Let their mom buy them stuff, they clearly have enough.
Ask them what they want to do and take them there unless prohibitively expensive. Or maybe they want some small thing their mom wouldn’t buy.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I would just withdraw from the competition. Let their mom buy them stuff, they clearly have enough.
Ask them what they want to do and take them there unless prohibitively expensive. Or maybe they want some small thing their mom wouldn’t buy.

+1. Ignore what mom is doing for xmas (my ex and I just make sure we aren't duplicating gifts - he has typically spent WAY more than I have but I ignore that part), and create traditions with your family. We always go out looking at xmas lights, have cinnamon rolls for breakfast on xmas morning, etc., and my son loves those little traditions. Gratitude comes later and must be modeled by you and your spouse.

[Anonymous]

This sounds like you want your stepkids to be gratefulmfor a small feat. Do you have kids of your own op? A movie isnt a big deal. Just like food and water. A gift is different.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Wow okay gratitude/no gratitude is about your parenting, not what the kids are getting. Rich kids are capable of being grateful and poor kids are capable of being brats. You’re blaming the kids for being poorly parented instead of blaming yourself and your husband for your failings.

Personally I don’t think you can teach gratitude. You can model / show it but you are either a grateful person or you aren’t.

You can teach it. But recognize kids and even young adults are very self-centered. They grow out of it.

[Anonymous]

In an intact family, they would get one set of gifts. Since they are receiving two sets in your family, each parent should each spend half. Have you tried discussing that with your ex-spouse? I know what you think about her, but have you actually raised the discussion?

Most kids in this area don't need MORE things. If you spend less on consumer goods, you can have more experiences together, maybe send them to a better college or study abroad experience. Good luck.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Wow. That’s a lot of money! We definitely overdo Xmas, but it still works out to less than $900/kid!

Sorry if I was unclear - DH and I spent about $900 total - so bt &400-450 per kid.

AND they will get $1k worth of stuff from their mom.

It makes me sick to think about it, especially how little gratitude they seem able to muster.

You are a nightmare stepmother. The resentment you have for those kids is oozing out all over the place.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Wow. That’s a lot of money! We definitely overdo Xmas, but it still works out to less than $900/kid!

Sorry if I was unclear - DH and I spent about $900 total - so bt &400-450 per kid.

AND they will get $1k worth of stuff from their mom.

It makes me sick to think about it, especially how little gratitude they seem able to muster.

You are a nightmare stepmother. The resentment you have for those kids is oozing out all over the place.

Yeah, OP, you have to be really careful and reconsider your attitude. They don’t owe you ‘thank you!’ You give gifts and take kids to movies because it brings you joy to spend time with them. Right??!!

Maybe they are spoiled, it’s impossible for us to tell over the internet. If this is the case, then spend more time with them but buy less. Families don’t have to thank each other for every little thing.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Wow okay gratitude/no gratitude is about your parenting, not what the kids are getting. Rich kids are capable of being grateful and poor kids are capable of being brats. You’re blaming the kids for being poorly parented instead of blaming yourself and your husband for your failings.

Personally I don’t think you can teach gratitude. You can model / show it but you are either a grateful person or you aren’t.

You can teach it. But recognize kids and even young adults are very self-centered. They grow out of it.

Not all of them grow out of it. Sometimes people wrapped up in themselves never unfold.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Wow. That’s a lot of money! We definitely overdo Xmas, but it still works out to less than $900/kid!

Sorry if I was unclear - DH and I spent about $900 total - so bt &400-450 per kid.

AND they will get $1k worth of stuff from their mom.

It makes me sick to think about it, especially how little gratitude they seem able to muster.

You are a nightmare stepmother. The resentment you have for those kids is oozing out all over the place.

Yes, I don't think there is anything these kids could ever say or do to show 'enough' gratitude to this stepmom. I don't understand why she even cares about how much their mom spends? She needs to mind her own business in her own home.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP, YOU are seeing things in terms of dollars signs. Re-evaluate THAT.

I kind of agree. How do you know how much she is spending and why are you tracking? I think the real problem is that you see this as some sort of competition, which it is not. You are assuming that her intention is to outdo you...and you know what they say about assumptions.

The kids have two parents/families who adore them and that is great. Work on teaching gratitude, absolutely, but don’t blame her entirely for their lack of it.

I'm not "tracking"

I am aware for the simple fact that the kids themselves are telling their dad what their mom is buying them.

I am also not assuming anything. Her intention is always to "outdo" him. It is very, very obvious - and very, very challenging to counter.

It's so interesting that the set of parents who are doing their best to instill values in these kids are the ones who are seen as competitive. I'm not being competitive. I'm sad at their continual exhibition of entitlement instead of gratitude. .

And, I do think the kids perceive it as a competition - favoring the one who spends more, with little to no regard for the efforts of the one who doesn't.

Look, it's fine to be excited about big gifts and things, but true gratitude starts with the little stuff.