Everyone's Too Busy to Be Friends

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I am legitimately too busy to make family friends. My kids are in elementary school. I have friends from pre kids who still live in the area. I have work friends. I have neighborhood friends. I have some friends we've made through kid's schools and activities (although not many honestly). I don't have capacity or desire to meet new families honestly.

I think people are probably being honest when they tell you they'd like to get together, but there just isn't a good time.

I'd say keep trying with those you are interested in connecting with, and eventually something will free up. Don't take it personally.

This. It’s not personal. I barely see my good friend that we were in each other’s weddings, lived together, and live a few miles away. Luckily our kids have soccer at the same field on Saturdays and now that’s our weekly date.

[Anonymous]

I have been living in the DMV for a decade. Friendships are fleeting. It is hard to make friends if kids are older than kindergarten.

I did make a solid group of friends when my kids were babies and toddlers. The preschool and early elementary mom friends were more of convenience when kids were friends and did activities and play dates. Now we moved and so did many of them and we did not stay friends. I have made no adult friends through my children in elementary.

I have been making new adult friends through some of those friends I made when my kids were babies. Those really are MY friends and not based on my kids’ friendships. I have met friends of friends at parties and adult outings. I threw a 40th bday party before Covid for my Dh and many of our friends hit it off and became frirnds.

[Anonymous]

Are you trying to make friends for yourself or for your kid?

[Anonymous]

I barely have time to keep up with the friends I already have, much less make a new one.

Sorry, OP, but unless you are super engaging and really make the effort, most of the women I know have pretty full plates -- working, taking care of kids, elderly parents, volunteer obligations, sports, throw in a health problem . . .

[Anonymous]

Lived in the DMV for a number of years. Our kids were small, then teens. It was very difficult to make friends, period. The entire time. I tried at first, but over time realized that the people are too busy striving -- for lack of a better word. If you do not have something offer them that they want, they move on. That thing might be free babysitting, a professional connection that gets them ahead, a side hustle customer/someone they can get to buy from them, someone with trade skills who could be useful as free work around their house (fix a faulty sink, install a new light fixture), etc.

Sorry to break it to you, but DMV folks don't just create time for other people unless those people serve them in some way. It is a culture that uses people.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Walk to school. Do an activity with other friends. Host a party or larger playdate. Do smaller one on one playdates with kids your kids really get along well with.

OP. I'm doing all this, but many people are too busy to join activities, playdates, or parties. The only people who RSVP yes are socially awkward or boring. I feel like I'm doomed to hang out with people I don't actually like because all the interesting people's dance cards are full.

No, it’s because most people have learned that it’s not good to try and be friends with your kid’s friend’s parents. Some of us have older children. We have seen how those kids who got along wonderfully for most of elementary school start drifting apart later and sometimes feelings are hurt. The parents don’t understand how it’s a normal part of development and try to intervene, to hold onto the family get togethers. It makes it worse. If it’s still going on in middle school, the kids aren’t speaking and the parents are posting on the teen forum about how Jane is the victim of mean girl behavior and her mom, your close friend, won’t step in and make her daughter include Jane on sleepovers. Take a look over there and see.

Save yourself the drama. Find friends that are separate from your children.

[Anonymous]

18:40 adding to my post. I found a thread on the teen forum in about 30 seconds, describing exactly what I was talking about. https://www.dcurbanmom.com/jforum/posts/list/1089249.page

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Walk to school. Do an activity with other friends. Host a party or larger playdate. Do smaller one on one playdates with kids your kids really get along well with.

OP. I'm doing all this, but many people are too busy to join activities, playdates, or parties. The only people who RSVP yes are socially awkward or boring. I feel like I'm doomed to hang out with people I don't actually like because all the interesting people's dance cards are full.

You sound mean. Either give the "socially awkward" or "boring" people a chance or stop complaining that you don't have friends

NP, but I agree that this take ("all the interesting people's dance cards are full") puts the issue in a new light. I make friends easily, have for decades, and "interesting" isn't high on my list of qualities I seek in a friend. Sure, that's a nice bonus, but what matters far more is being mutual, open, kind, etc. The dance card analogy doesn't work well with true adult friendships, because they're not about popularity.

+1
Some people may be more awkward or take longer to warm up, but be good people. Sometimes it takes a while to find the thing that you have in common that clicks. Or the things about them that are interesting and fun.
But you don't really know the "interesting" people, since they won't spend time with you, so it sounds like you're judging people pretty quickly and shallowly. And you might not be as interesting as you think you are.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Walk to school. Do an activity with other friends. Host a party or larger playdate. Do smaller one on one playdates with kids your kids really get along well with.

OP. I'm doing all this, but many people are too busy to join activities, playdates, or parties. The only people who RSVP yes are socially awkward or boring. I feel like I'm doomed to hang out with people I don't actually like because all the interesting people's dance cards are full.

No, it’s because most people have learned that it’s not good to try and be friends with your kid’s friend’s parents. Some of us have older children. We have seen how those kids who got along wonderfully for most of elementary school start drifting apart later and sometimes feelings are hurt. The parents don’t understand how it’s a normal part of development and try to intervene, to hold onto the family get togethers. It makes it worse. If it’s still going on in middle school, the kids aren’t speaking and the parents are posting on the teen forum about how Jane is the victim of mean girl behavior and her mom, your close friend, won’t step in and make her daughter include Jane on sleepovers. Take a look over there and see.

Save yourself the drama. Find friends that are separate from your children.

+1

It’s actually great advice to not try to make whole-family friends

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Walk to school. Do an activity with other friends. Host a party or larger playdate. Do smaller one on one playdates with kids your kids really get along well with.

OP. I'm doing all this, but many people are too busy to join activities, playdates, or parties. The only people who RSVP yes are socially awkward or boring. I feel like I'm doomed to hang out with people I don't actually like because all the interesting people's dance cards are full.

What exactly do you do that makes you so interesting and sophisticated and therefore a higher quality social connection?

I know that "socially awkward" and "boring" are codes for stay-at-home moms, people poorer than you, people whose kids go to less prestigious schools than your children, people with fewer degrees from less prestigious schools than wherever you and your spouse went to (let me guess, Harvard), out of shape moms who've given up on fitness, people whose jobs are not particularly high status even if paid well, foreign-born parents who don't speak the language well enough to make witty banter, etc.

I always marvel at people who approach friendship with this transactional attitude and always measure potential friends against a status bar. Like you must be this tall to ride on my friendship ride. Do you think this attitude makes you a good potential friend to anyone? What if you stopped measuring and just started talking to people without any expectation that it will develop into a friendship or a useful social contact?

+1. Seriously, OP, I hope you read this, it’s the most insightful explanation of your problem.

OP. This is pretty off-base. I am foreign born and not particularly wealthy or in shape. My friends whom I met through baby groups were mostly SAHMs, nearly all foreign-born (from different countries), and went to colleges I hadn't heard of. I specifically chose a lower-ranked school district here after trying and really disliking a top rated school. I very much want to stay away from status-chasing and transactional friendships.

My friends in my past life were smart and interesting, which has nothing to do with being the "cool moms" - we were anything but that. What I really enjoyed was having deeper conversations about social issues, things going on in the world, our own lives and life choices, and hearing insightful comments and thoughts. That's what really filled my cup. Obviously we talked about basic topics as well - kids, trips, etc - but it was a mix of the more small talk topics and the deeper ones. I've met people like that here, and had the most interesting conversations - but those are the people who are overbooked.

The people who are available to hang out are perfectly nice, and of course I'm polite to them and continue spending time with them, but we just don't have much in common. They're not interested in deeper analytical conversation, I can tell they are bored when I bring up the things I'm passionate about.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Walk to school. Do an activity with other friends. Host a party or larger playdate. Do smaller one on one playdates with kids your kids really get along well with.

OP. I'm doing all this, but many people are too busy to join activities, playdates, or parties. The only people who RSVP yes are socially awkward or boring. I feel like I'm doomed to hang out with people I don't actually like because all the interesting people's dance cards are full.

No, it’s because most people have learned that it’s not good to try and be friends with your kid’s friend’s parents. Some of us have older children. We have seen how those kids who got along wonderfully for most of elementary school start drifting apart later and sometimes feelings are hurt. The parents don’t understand how it’s a normal part of development and try to intervene, to hold onto the family get togethers. It makes it worse. If it’s still going on in middle school, the kids aren’t speaking and the parents are posting on the teen forum about how Jane is the victim of mean girl behavior and her mom, your close friend, won’t step in and make her daughter include Jane on sleepovers. Take a look over there and see.

Save yourself the drama. Find friends that are separate from your children.

+1

It’s actually great advice to not try to make whole-family friends

OP. This is a very fair point that several people have made. But at this point in my life, I am with my kids when I am not working. I enjoy getting together with other families to go trick or treating or apple picking or out to dinner or to take a vacation together. I guess having had family friends and seen how amazing it is when it all clicks, I am really missing it.

I'm under no illusions that it will be forever. In fact, some of my friends in my last hometown and I started growing apart even before most of us in the group moved away. But it was fine, no drama, we enjoyed it while it lasted and I would like to find that again.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Walk to school. Do an activity with other friends. Host a party or larger playdate. Do smaller one on one playdates with kids your kids really get along well with.

OP. I'm doing all this, but many people are too busy to join activities, playdates, or parties. The only people who RSVP yes are socially awkward or boring. I feel like I'm doomed to hang out with people I don't actually like because all the interesting people's dance cards are full.

LOL. How do you know you don't seem "awkward or boring" to the people you are trying to hang out with?
Honestly, I would get to know these "awkward or boring" people. It's not high school anymore.

I'm wondering if it's an OP problem too because of the constant mention of "interesting" people. How do you know they're interesting if they're too busy to have a glass of wine with you? The dance card makes it seem even more like it's some popularity thing. Also, confusing socially awkward with boring just means that you don't have the social chops you think you do.

I agree with this poster socially awkward does not equal boring. Some of the most socially awkward and shy people are the most interesting when you have a real conversation, especially 1 on 1. I think maybe you are looking for popular and social people, which is not the same as interesting - you can be both, one or neither. Anyhow, l wouldn’t want to be friends with you based on what you’ve written. Karma.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Walk to school. Do an activity with other friends. Host a party or larger playdate. Do smaller one on one playdates with kids your kids really get along well with.

OP. I'm doing all this, but many people are too busy to join activities, playdates, or parties. The only people who RSVP yes are socially awkward or boring. I feel like I'm doomed to hang out with people I don't actually like because all the interesting people's dance cards are full.

What exactly do you do that makes you so interesting and sophisticated and therefore a higher quality social connection?

I know that "socially awkward" and "boring" are codes for stay-at-home moms, people poorer than you, people whose kids go to less prestigious schools than your children, people with fewer degrees from less prestigious schools than wherever you and your spouse went to (let me guess, Harvard), out of shape moms who've given up on fitness, people whose jobs are not particularly high status even if paid well, foreign-born parents who don't speak the language well enough to make witty banter, etc.

I always marvel at people who approach friendship with this transactional attitude and always measure potential friends against a status bar. Like you must be this tall to ride on my friendship ride. Do you think this attitude makes you a good potential friend to anyone? What if you stopped measuring and just started talking to people without any expectation that it will develop into a friendship or a useful social contact?

+1. Seriously, OP, I hope you read this, it’s the most insightful explanation of your problem.

OP. This is pretty off-base. I am foreign born and not particularly wealthy or in shape. My friends whom I met through baby groups were mostly SAHMs, nearly all foreign-born (from different countries), and went to colleges I hadn't heard of. I specifically chose a lower-ranked school district here after trying and really disliking a top rated school. I very much want to stay away from status-chasing and transactional friendships.

My friends in my past life were smart and interesting, which has nothing to do with being the "cool moms" - we were anything but that. What I really enjoyed was having deeper conversations about social issues, things going on in the world, our own lives and life choices, and hearing insightful comments and thoughts. That's what really filled my cup. Obviously we talked about basic topics as well - kids, trips, etc - but it was a mix of the more small talk topics and the deeper ones. I've met people like that here, and had the most interesting conversations - but those are the people who are overbooked.

The people who are available to hang out are perfectly nice, and of course I'm polite to them and continue spending time with them, but we just don't have much in common. They're not interested in deeper analytical conversation, I can tell they are bored when I bring up the things I'm passionate about.

It's going to take most people awhile to feel things out before they open up about this stuff. I am friends with a number of moms from DD's preschool but we weren't talking about deep personal controversial stuff at the first playground playdate. I wouldnt assume the other person was boring because they kept conversation light. I am very different with close longstanding friends and ppl I've gotten to know better.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Walk to school. Do an activity with other friends. Host a party or larger playdate. Do smaller one on one playdates with kids your kids really get along well with.

OP. I'm doing all this, but many people are too busy to join activities, playdates, or parties. The only people who RSVP yes are socially awkward or boring. I feel like I'm doomed to hang out with people I don't actually like because all the interesting people's dance cards are full.

What exactly do you do that makes you so interesting and sophisticated and therefore a higher quality social connection?

I know that "socially awkward" and "boring" are codes for stay-at-home moms, people poorer than you, people whose kids go to less prestigious schools than your children, people with fewer degrees from less prestigious schools than wherever you and your spouse went to (let me guess, Harvard), out of shape moms who've given up on fitness, people whose jobs are not particularly high status even if paid well, foreign-born parents who don't speak the language well enough to make witty banter, etc.

I always marvel at people who approach friendship with this transactional attitude and always measure potential friends against a status bar. Like you must be this tall to ride on my friendship ride. Do you think this attitude makes you a good potential friend to anyone? What if you stopped measuring and just started talking to people without any expectation that it will develop into a friendship or a useful social contact?

+1. Seriously, OP, I hope you read this, it’s the most insightful explanation of your problem.

OP. This is pretty off-base. I am foreign born and not particularly wealthy or in shape. My friends whom I met through baby groups were mostly SAHMs, nearly all foreign-born (from different countries), and went to colleges I hadn't heard of. I specifically chose a lower-ranked school district here after trying and really disliking a top rated school. I very much want to stay away from status-chasing and transactional friendships.

My friends in my past life were smart and interesting, which has nothing to do with being the "cool moms" - we were anything but that. What I really enjoyed was having deeper conversations about social issues, things going on in the world, our own lives and life choices, and hearing insightful comments and thoughts. That's what really filled my cup. Obviously we talked about basic topics as well - kids, trips, etc - but it was a mix of the more small talk topics and the deeper ones. I've met people like that here, and had the most interesting conversations - but those are the people who are overbooked.

The people who are available to hang out are perfectly nice, and of course I'm polite to them and continue spending time with them, but we just don't have much in common. They're not interested in deeper analytical conversation, I can tell they are bored when I bring up the things I'm passionate about.

It's going to take most people awhile to feel things out before they open up about this stuff. I am friends with a number of moms from DD's preschool but we weren't talking about deep personal controversial stuff at the first playground playdate. I wouldnt assume the other person was boring because they kept conversation light. I am very different with close longstanding friends and ppl I've gotten to know better.

Yup. I am way more reserved about this stuff around parents of other kids because it's not like I will never see them again if one of us offends another, and around here there's a decent chance the other kindergarten mom works in politics the opposite of yours. It takes longer to feel things out and conversations stay more surface level for a while. I don't love small talk and hate deep conversation, I just...don't know you yet.

[Anonymous]

I’m so sorry but I just don’t have time. I wish I had time for friends but I just don’t. My kids aren’t even over scheduled. Two working parents, 3 kids. We love to hang out as a family and spend time with our kids at night. All of my friends are ones I made before kids. Hanging out with families is way too much work, I prefer just moms or adults.