Everyone's Too Busy to Be Friends

[Anonymous]

OP I have the same problem. I'm a married mom with two elementary school kids (first and third grade) and I don't really have any mom friends or family friends. When the kids were younger I was in a lot of moms' groups and made some friends there but we aged out. I made a few acquaintaces in preschool. But then when the pandemic came along we lost touch with preschool friends and then changed schools. We've been in our new school for 1.5 years now and have yet to make any mom friends or family friends there. I am the one who is constantly organizing playdates for my kids. Other parents are happy to meet up with us, but never reciprocate. Except for a handful of birthday parties we have not been invited to anything, not even a playdate or park meetup, in the 1.5 years we've been at this new school.

Our social calendar is always empty. No one ever thinks of us to invite us. It makes me feel completely invisible. I mean we do things the four of us on weekends and the kids have sports, but no one ever invites us to anything. This past summer, I organized a playdate for my kids about twice a month (they were in summer camp the rest of the time). No one invited us to anything all summer--no BBQs, no playdates, no meetups.

We have nothing on the calendar for the holidays either. We're going to do a small Thanksgiving at home just the four of us and the same for Christmas. We have no local family and family is not interested in spending holidays together. Even our extended families ignore us. I feel very lonely all the time. I'm constantly wondering why no one ever thinks of us. I work full-time but I still have plenty of time to organize playdates and put in the effort for friendships, because I make that a priority, but it feels like none of the other moms are interested in getting to know me. DH can't seem to make friends either and has complained that people in his office make plans with each other in front of him (a few weeks ago one co-worker invited another co-worker to a BBQ right in front of him and didn't invite him).

The only thing that has really worked for me is joining newcomers' meetup groups and going to events to meet people, even though we're not new to the area. I feel like everyone I try to make friends with (like other moms at our kids' school) already has enough friends and is not looking for more and isn't interested in getting to know me. Ladies who recently moved here are looking to make new friends, so I've had a lot more luck meeting people who actually want to meet up by joining newcomers groups and going to the events.

[Anonymous]

I write this a lot but here I go again.

Find an activity that meets regularly, that is not seasonal, and that parents need to be there for their kids. We found our friend group through Scouting. The kids have a blast in the Den. The parents chat and hang out at Den meetings. We have to be there for camp outs, even if it is just for the day portion and we don’t spend the night. The parents talk and socialize while the kids are hiking and doing whatever the Den Leader has planned. We have an oppertunity to get to know each other. That leads to BBQs, firepits, apple picking, and other activities because we have had a continuous amount of time together.

PTA and School volunteering means meetings with some chit chat and that is it. Rec sports means 2-3 months of practices where you might talk with someone a bit and then you are done. You are not likely to end up on the same team as the kids parent that you were talking with. They don’t naturally lead to getting to know other parents.

It doesn’t have to be Scouting, Churches or some other venue where the activities are longer then a few months and there is time for parents to talk.

Outside of the kids stuff, look into adult athletic teams. There are almost always teams looking for women. Once you are on one you tend to be able to stay on it. Teams tend to go out after games for drinks and the likes. That is how I met my Husband and a group of friends pre kid.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP I have the same problem. I'm a married mom with two elementary school kids (first and third grade) and I don't really have any mom friends or family friends. When the kids were younger I was in a lot of moms' groups and made some friends there but we aged out. I made a few acquaintaces in preschool. But then when the pandemic came along we lost touch with preschool friends and then changed schools. We've been in our new school for 1.5 years now and have yet to make any mom friends or family friends there. I am the one who is constantly organizing playdates for my kids. Other parents are happy to meet up with us, but never reciprocate. Except for a handful of birthday parties we have not been invited to anything, not even a playdate or park meetup, in the 1.5 years we've been at this new school.

Our social calendar is always empty. No one ever thinks of us to invite us. It makes me feel completely invisible. I mean we do things the four of us on weekends and the kids have sports, but no one ever invites us to anything. This past summer, I organized a playdate for my kids about twice a month (they were in summer camp the rest of the time). No one invited us to anything all summer--no BBQs, no playdates, no meetups.

We have nothing on the calendar for the holidays either. We're going to do a small Thanksgiving at home just the four of us and the same for Christmas. We have no local family and family is not interested in spending holidays together. Even our extended families ignore us. I feel very lonely all the time. I'm constantly wondering why no one ever thinks of us. I work full-time but I still have plenty of time to organize playdates and put in the effort for friendships, because I make that a priority, but it feels like none of the other moms are interested in getting to know me. DH can't seem to make friends either and has complained that people in his office make plans with each other in front of him (a few weeks ago one co-worker invited another co-worker to a BBQ right in front of him and didn't invite him).

The only thing that has really worked for me is joining newcomers' meetup groups and going to events to meet people, even though we're not new to the area. I feel like everyone I try to make friends with (like other moms at our kids' school) already has enough friends and is not looking for more and isn't interested in getting to know me. Ladies who recently moved here are looking to make new friends, so I've had a lot more luck meeting people who actually want to meet up by joining newcomers groups and going to the events.

Hey you sound just like me! Same situation, I've decided everyone's existing social circles are full and they have a routine of who to invite from long ago (we are new to the school). I know some of those groups formed during the pandemic (their pods) and since we weren't around, we weren't included. The one thing I do notice about people + the newcomer groups...some people are definitely looking for status or networking via job title/where I work. Pretty sure I'm not passing that test so that's partly why we aren't getting the invites.

[Anonymous]

We moved when my kids were in elementary and we were welcomed into the community. This was right before Covid. We joined cub scouts, soccer, tennis and joined the local pool. I joined the pta and was a room parent. On back to school night, another mom came up to me and said her son wrote about my son in his letter to his parents left for them at their desk. We were new so other parents made an effort to say hi. Both kids (2nd and 4th) got invited to play dates and birthday parties that year.

OP, I suggest getting involved in the community. Volunteer for scouts or coach basketball.

[Anonymous]

Op, I don’t think people will discuss deep topics or go on vacations with people they don’t trust. You don’t get to know that stuff about most people until you’ve cultivated and built up your friendship and earned trust. Things in a friendship often start out superficial or awkward and them slowly move toward that interesting stage if the conditions are right and you get along and earn trust

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP. I'm really fascinated by all these people saying I should just be lucky to be friends with anyone. That's...not how friendship works, at all.

As I already clarified before, I have zero interest in status chasing, being a "cool mom" or being friends with "cool moms". I want to be friends with people whom I find interesting, whom I'm drawn to, who I click with. That's what genuine friendship is. It's not about what they look like or how much money they make. It's just about having a connection so you can enjoy spending time with them.

Right but you wrote off the people who ARE interested in socializing with you as "boring". Most people are boring when you first meet them because they are making small talk, trying to be inoffensive, and certainly not baring their soul ad deepest passions.

This. Most normal people are awkward or superficial at first.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP I have the same problem. I'm a married mom with two elementary school kids (first and third grade) and I don't really have any mom friends or family friends. When the kids were younger I was in a lot of moms' groups and made some friends there but we aged out. I made a few acquaintaces in preschool. But then when the pandemic came along we lost touch with preschool friends and then changed schools. We've been in our new school for 1.5 years now and have yet to make any mom friends or family friends there. I am the one who is constantly organizing playdates for my kids. Other parents are happy to meet up with us, but never reciprocate. Except for a handful of birthday parties we have not been invited to anything, not even a playdate or park meetup, in the 1.5 years we've been at this new school.

Our social calendar is always empty. No one ever thinks of us to invite us. It makes me feel completely invisible. I mean we do things the four of us on weekends and the kids have sports, but no one ever invites us to anything. This past summer, I organized a playdate for my kids about twice a month (they were in summer camp the rest of the time). No one invited us to anything all summer--no BBQs, no playdates, no meetups.

We have nothing on the calendar for the holidays either. We're going to do a small Thanksgiving at home just the four of us and the same for Christmas. We have no local family and family is not interested in spending holidays together. Even our extended families ignore us. I feel very lonely all the time. I'm constantly wondering why no one ever thinks of us. I work full-time but I still have plenty of time to organize playdates and put in the effort for friendships, because I make that a priority, but it feels like none of the other moms are interested in getting to know me. DH can't seem to make friends either and has complained that people in his office make plans with each other in front of him (a few weeks ago one co-worker invited another co-worker to a BBQ right in front of him and didn't invite him).

The only thing that has really worked for me is joining newcomers' meetup groups and going to events to meet people, even though we're not new to the area. I feel like everyone I try to make friends with (like other moms at our kids' school) already has enough friends and is not looking for more and isn't interested in getting to know me. Ladies who recently moved here are looking to make new friends, so I've had a lot more luck meeting people who actually want to meet up by joining newcomers groups and going to the events.

Sending hugs to you, this sounds really frustrating. I wish this wasn’t anonymous, I’d totally meet up with you to see if we click. I’m wondering if the community you’re living in is a good fit for your family. I’ve had similar experiences in a small, exclusive suburb outside NYC. Moving to a diverse area made all the difference.

[Anonymous]

You have to put yourself out there and invite people again and again. Be ready and willing to accept people where they are. Don’t be a bean counter. Be ready to have friends who are there for only doing some activities with you. You can have gym friends, bus stop friends, soccer friend, hobby friends, neighbors etc. The most you can do is grab coffee with them - at best.

I have made friends with people who are decades older or younger than me. It is fine. Also, have interesting hobbies so that you can be happy in your own company. And Do Not Expect any reciprocity. Finally, be open to socializing combined with any activity. Say yes to boring things also. Most of life is boring.

[Anonymous]

This is not going to change. It is hard for people to socialize.
People will remain busy, remain overwhelmed with their lives, remain awkward, remain ashamed of their homes, remain lazy etc. You have to cast you net far and wide and hope that one day you will find a pearl in the form of a friend. Currently the ocean has less pearls and more plastic trash and pollution.

Having said that, call people over, introduce people to each other, say yes to trying out new things and become an interesting, helpful and non- judgemental person. Also, welcome new people to various activities, have multiple groups, don’t gossip at all, keep things very light. Familiarity breeds contempt also.

Finally, what is stopping you from organizing events, meetups etc?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP, I’ll be honest. i really don’t have time for impromptu chats or unplanned drop-in visits. Most people who suggest that we should get together are not actually issuing invitations, they are expecting one. If you invite, I will reciprocate. But it needs to be something concrete.

Not OP, but I find this interesting. I suggested getting together with people and they didn't sound enthused so I actually never reached out. I generally think if they don't want to hang out, that is fine.

Op, I can be awkward. I am geeky, over-educated, socially conscious person. But I don't have a lot in common with a lot of people here and I am okay with that. But it is happening slowly. I would say don't rush it. Give it a solid 5 years when we are not in any Covid mode.

[Anonymous]

My problem is that I really want to make mom friends and try but with three kids and activities and life it’s difficult both bc I am busy and bc others are busy so it’s a weird situation.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Lived in the DMV for a number of years. Our kids were small, then teens. It was very difficult to make friends, period. The entire time. I tried at first, but over time realized that the people are too busy striving -- for lack of a better word. If you do not have something offer them that they want, they move on. That thing might be free babysitting, a professional connection that gets them ahead, a side hustle customer/someone they can get to buy from them, someone with trade skills who could be useful as free work around their house (fix a faulty sink, install a new light fixture), etc.

Sorry to break it to you, but DMV folks don't just create time for other people unless those people serve them in some way. It is a culture that uses people.

+1

Nailed it. The locals keep arms distance from the newcomers. See above - though I put it way too nicely.

OP, have you met anyone outside your neighborhood? Maybe doing an activity that you like? I say this because friend families are great when the kids are younger, but inevitably the kids grow apart, then one side ends up trying to force the kids being friends, which of course, does not work.

Find an activity that you like, and you will find your people.

Many people in this geographic area pride themselves on being "introverts", when in reality, they are just socially awkward/inept. If you are more outgoing, find other people who have that in common with you.

I have never encountered this in 15 years of living in this area. Maybe because I have no useful skills. But neither do most people i know. Okay, we have a friend who is a great bike mechanic, but I would never ask him to fix our bikes.

We are fairly busy with kids and jobs. Always happy to do stuff on weekends but it's true that it does have to be at specific times, because the kids (lower elementary) have swim lessons and sometimes other activities, religious school, play dates and parties with existing friends. We don't do anything on weeknights because kids have after-school activities and by the time we do dinner, homework, get them into bed, and get the chores done, it's easily 9:30 pm. And frequently one or both of us have to do catch-up work - our jobs are flexible and allow us to sign off at 4 or 5 and hop back on later after kids are in bed, but that does tend to take up the evening. I think we are probably the boring people OP is thinking of, but I don't know how to live any other way. I am open to meeting friends but I'm not a book club, wine drinking, room parent kind of person, and I'm at the stage where I barely have time for myself anyway so I am not looking to make friends just for me - I'm happy to socialize with parents while the kids play at the playground, but I'm unlikely to talk politics with people I don't know very, very well.

[Anonymous]

Hi OP, sorry you’re going thru this, no fun to try to make friends and get the “I am too busy” kind of response.
Most of my friends here in the DC area are from foreign backgrounds, people who came here for work or other life circumstances. I love my group of foreign-born moms, and although I have some good and meaningful American girlfriends, in my experience the majority of American women I met (in this area) is shallow and not interested in deeper friendships. I know this will rough some feathers, but it is my experience here in DC. With that said, I found that baseball is a good way to connecting with other families, not deep friendships yet (thru little league) but some fun moms and dads and some great kids!