6th grade DD is being excluded from social events with longtime friends

[Anonymous]

DD is in 6th grade and has been attending her current PK-12 since Kindergarten. She has always had a strong group of friends with whom she participates in sports teams and other activities. DH and I have become friends with many of the parents over the years. This fall, on multiple occasions, DD has not been invited to playdates, sleepovers, parties, etc. The group attending these events tends to be somewhat amorphous -- a portion of the group will be invited, in most cases -- but DD is never one of the kids included. She has reported some horrible behavior from one girl who is a leader and has often been quite mean over the years (when she's not being super, super nice.). DD also reports that another close friend, who has always been a very low drama kid, now ignores DD at lunch, doesn't invite her over when she's hosting groups, and pointedly excludes DD from activities (as in, DD is not allowed to join even when she directly asks.)

It's heartbreaking and confusing for DD. She has tried to approach the formerly low-drama friend to understand what is going on, but the friend just says, "Everything is fine" and walks away. We have invited some of these girls over for playdates or sleepovers a few times, and they always decline.

I'm trying not to make this about me, but I'm also super annoyed at the parents (my friends!) for not being more sensitive about this. After one school event, DD watched as 6 of her best friends climbed into a car for a sleepover. She cried for hours. When I've casually approached a few of the parents about DD having issues this year with being excluded, they said, "Oh, I had no idea!" and then nothing changes. I hesitate pushing more -- what is the answer? They force their DDs to invite my DD to things? That would likely make things worse.

How do I help her navigate this? I understand the occasional mean behavior in middle school, but it seems like DD is getting the total freeze out from a group she has been close to since she was 5. We talk about her finding friends that make her feel good about herself, but it's easier said than done to find a whole new group of friends. This is especially true when she is involved in after school activities with many of them.

Appreciate any advice.

[Anonymous]

It's time for dd to find new friends, this is normal around grades 5-8 where groups start to shift and change. You can empathize but it's time to regularly and gently introduce the idea of finding new friends.

What are your dd's issues? Mine was overly blunt. She needed to learn to be a less blunt AND find friends who appreciated a direct style.

[Anonymous]

I think you sympathize, and then you help her figure out concrete ways to make new friends. A new sport or other activity, including things outside the school. What are her real interests? Find classes or camps or clubs for that, so she can meet kids with the same interests, which really facilitates making friends. Consider Girl Scouts.

The parents can't reasonably make their daughters invite yours, and it wouldn't help. The solution is to find some new people, even as she's sad about losing her old friends.

[Anonymous]

OP this happened to my oldest years ago.


Help her find other friends these are not her friends.

And calling parents isn't going to do anything but make them talk about you more.

Help her find her passions and find friends there. And think about changing schools.

[Anonymous]

Ugh, it's so hard. I am kind of in it with my kid. I totally agree that this is a good time to find new activities. And possibly a new school. (Sorry ... she'll be stuck with them for six years. The tide will probably turn and they'll go after someone else, but that's not right, either.)

[Anonymous]

I'm a little confused why you can't ask your friends what is going on. I'm friends with my kids' friends' moms and if she was suddenly frozen out I'd probably ask them in a very low key way about what is going on. In a "I notice XX is not being included, is there something she's doing that's annoying the others or is just natural evolution of the friendships?"

I'm in a group of 6 moms and we've become friends because our 12 year old kids are friends. One kid has originally been excluded. That mom is very open about it--in fact we all are. "Hey we notice the girls aren't including XX these days. What do we think is going on? Is it a misunderstanding or something the parents can fix or just an organic parting of ways?" We're all on our 3rd or 4th kid so we're super open about stuff like this.

[Anonymous]

There are a few books that are good resources for you to understand the dynamics at play. I would start with Queen Bees and Wannabees as the dynamics you are describing are that there is the center girl with the power - and those around her who are scared to be the next one dropped off.

This is not going to just fix itself as the girl in the middle is learning how to cultivate power.

[Anonymous]

Previous poster again, correcting the text:

m in a group of 6 moms and we've become friends because our 12 year old kids are friends. One kid has been getting excluded. That mom is very open about it--in fact we all are. "Hey we notice the girls aren't including XX these days. What do we think is going on? Is it a misunderstanding or something the parents can fix or just an organic parting of ways?" We're all on our 3rd or 4th kid so we're super open about stuff like this.

[Anonymous]

Change schools. If this is a private, then it is small. Start looking into it now.

[Anonymous]

She needs to diversify friends. Never a good idea to have all eggs in one basket for this very reason. When this was happening with my DD it was b/c she wasn't mature enough at the time: still enjoyed kid things, wasn't interested in boys, etc. And that's fine. But . . .

It's still a jerk move for the kids.
It's a jerk move for the parents, who ABSOLUTELY know.
As long as their jerk kids are included, the jerk moms don't care that yours is not. Fact. And any attempts to call them on it will backfire on you and your kid. I've seen it happen a million times with other kids (not my own as I know better).

If you're recoiling at the word jerk, it's b/c you are one. Do better. Teach your kids better. You don't have to include everyone all the time. But these kids are openly excluding. Either speak up about why or quit being jerks.

[Anonymous]

I would try a few things:
-get her involved in an activity that it not connected with the school or current friends
-invite the friends in the group who haven't been involved in the drama to hang out one on one (that's less likely to attract pressure to decline, if that's what has happened)
-does she have outside of school friends? If so, try to schedule more stuff with them.

[Anonymous]

I agree with all of this, including that it does suck. Have you checked in with the guidance counselor or her homeroom teacher? Sometimes they may have insights that you don’t have.

You still may not be able to help your daughter repair those relationships but if you learn anything it may help you in supporting her.

[Anonymous]

OP here. Thanks for the advice so far. She is involved in one after school activity that does not include kids from school, and we are encouraging more involvement with that to expand her horizons. She also has some friends in the neighborhood who she sees pretty regularly.

For those that suggest she change schools, she loves the school and is doing very well academically. I'm somewhat resistant to the idea that DD has to uproot her life just because of the mean behavior of others. It's like the harassed employee being the one who is forced to change jobs instead of addressing the harassment. And aren't there mean people everywhere?

DD is a super sensitive kid, who wears her heart on her sleeve. She gets upset easily, which perhaps make her an easy target for the meanness. She can also be very dramatic. But she is kind, funny and a very loyal friend. This is so hard.

[Anonymous]

Your post is way too long to read.

I am going to guess you micro engineered friendships when they were little. They are now not working out as they can do their own things and interests more in middle school, and your feelings are hurt and you are trying to keep them all together.

Tell your kid to find friends that want to be with her and make her happy. That is it. The End.

This should be the last day you are ever involved in your middle schoolers friendships. Cut the umbilical cord

[Anonymous]

She's at an age where friend groups start to shift and exclusion is part of that shifting. You say that you are friends with the parents- is this a situation where the kids were friends in first and the parents kept directing the friendship? Those groups seem to be the first to break apart once kids have more power over who they get to hang out with. I agree with PP who says she needs to diversity friend groups. She needs sports or other activities away from school. How large is her class? Hopefully it's big enough for her to find a group, if not I'd look at other options.