Reply to Everyone's Too Busy to Be Friends

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[quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous]Walk to school. Do an activity with other friends. Host a party or larger playdate. Do smaller one on one playdates with kids your kids really get along well with.[/quote]

OP. I'm doing all this, but many people are too busy to join activities, playdates, or parties. The only people who RSVP yes are socially awkward or boring. I feel like I'm doomed to hang out with people I don't actually like because all the interesting people's dance cards are full. [/quote]

What exactly do you do that makes you so interesting and sophisticated and therefore a higher quality social connection?

I know that "socially awkward" and "boring" are codes for stay-at-home moms, people poorer than you, people whose kids go to less prestigious schools than your children, people with fewer degrees from less prestigious schools than wherever you and your spouse went to (let me guess, Harvard), out of shape moms who've given up on fitness, people whose jobs are not particularly high status even if paid well, foreign-born parents who don't speak the language well enough to make witty banter, etc.

I always marvel at people who approach friendship with this transactional attitude and always measure potential friends against a status bar. Like you must be this tall to ride on my friendship ride. Do you think this attitude makes you a good potential friend to anyone? What if you stopped measuring and just started talking to people without any expectation that it will develop into a friendship or a useful social contact?[/quote]

+1. Seriously, OP, I hope you read this, it’s the most insightful explanation of your problem. [/quote]

OP. This is pretty off-base. I am foreign born and not particularly wealthy or in shape. My friends whom I met through baby groups were mostly SAHMs, nearly all foreign-born (from different countries), and went to colleges I hadn't heard of. I specifically chose a lower-ranked school district here after trying and really disliking a top rated school. I very much want to stay away from status-chasing and transactional friendships.

My friends in my past life were smart and interesting, which has nothing to do with being the "cool moms" - we were anything but that. What I really enjoyed was having deeper conversations about social issues, things going on in the world, our own lives and life choices, and hearing insightful comments and thoughts. That's what really filled my cup. Obviously we talked about basic topics as well - kids, trips, etc - but it was a mix of the more small talk topics and the deeper ones. I've met people like that here, and had the most interesting conversations - but those are the people who are overbooked.

The people who are available to hang out are perfectly nice, and of course I'm polite to them and continue spending time with them, but we just don't have much in common. They're not interested in deeper analytical conversation, I can tell they are bored when I bring up the things I'm passionate about. [/quote]

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