Everyone's Too Busy to Be Friends

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Walk to school. Do an activity with other friends. Host a party or larger playdate. Do smaller one on one playdates with kids your kids really get along well with.

OP. I'm doing all this, but many people are too busy to join activities, playdates, or parties. The only people who RSVP yes are socially awkward or boring. I feel like I'm doomed to hang out with people I don't actually like because all the interesting people's dance cards are full.

Ew. Maybe you’re overestimating how cool you are.

[Anonymous]

It is kind of like dating. It is a numbers game. If you are a dud, you aren’t going to attract a stud. Maybe you are a dud, OP.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:It is kind of like dating. It is a numbers game. If you are a dud, you aren’t going to attract a stud. Maybe you are a dud, OP.

Damn

[Anonymous]

NP here. I decided I wasn’t going to play the “pick me” game with people. I’m not going to try to convince anyone they want to be my friend. Either you like me or you don’t - either is fine.

[Anonymous]

OP. I'm really fascinated by all these people saying I should just be lucky to be friends with anyone. That's...not how friendship works, at all.

As I already clarified before, I have zero interest in status chasing, being a "cool mom" or being friends with "cool moms". I want to be friends with people whom I find interesting, whom I'm drawn to, who I click with. That's what genuine friendship is. It's not about what they look like or how much money they make. It's just about having a connection so you can enjoy spending time with them.

[Anonymous]

I don't claim to be popular and I'm usually the main driver behind meeting up with people.

But with how often I see out of town parents and in-laws, as frequently as every other weekend, some weekends even more frequently, it's very hard to put down roots. It causes me a lot of chagrin. I think you have to keep trying to find someone.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP. I'm really fascinated by all these people saying I should just be lucky to be friends with anyone. That's...not how friendship works, at all.

As I already clarified before, I have zero interest in status chasing, being a "cool mom" or being friends with "cool moms". I want to be friends with people whom I find interesting, whom I'm drawn to, who I click with. That's what genuine friendship is. It's not about what they look like or how much money they make. It's just about having a connection so you can enjoy spending time with them.

Then get a hobby or join some local org that appeals to you so that you can meet like minded people. Youve been told over and over to put more effort into it, but you're irredeemably obtuse. Lady, do you think an assortment of non-socially awkward Harvard moms are just going to show up on your porch with bottles of wine ready to discuss literature? Treat friend making like it's your job and you have an impending performance review.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:It is kind of like dating. It is a numbers game. If you are a dud, you aren’t going to attract a stud. Maybe you are a dud, OP.

Exactly. If you refuse to settle for what you can get with minimal effort then you have to work much much harder. Organize a book club maybe.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP. I'm really fascinated by all these people saying I should just be lucky to be friends with anyone. That's...not how friendship works, at all.

As I already clarified before, I have zero interest in status chasing, being a "cool mom" or being friends with "cool moms". I want to be friends with people whom I find interesting, whom I'm drawn to, who I click with. That's what genuine friendship is. It's not about what they look like or how much money they make. It's just about having a connection so you can enjoy spending time with them.

Then get a hobby or join some local org that appeals to you so that you can meet like minded people. Youve been told over and over to put more effort into it, but you're irredeemably obtuse. Lady, do you think an assortment of non-socially awkward Harvard moms are just going to show up on your porch with bottles of wine ready to discuss literature? Treat friend making like it's your job and you have an impending performance review.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP. I'm really fascinated by all these people saying I should just be lucky to be friends with anyone. That's...not how friendship works, at all.

As I already clarified before, I have zero interest in status chasing, being a "cool mom" or being friends with "cool moms". I want to be friends with people whom I find interesting, whom I'm drawn to, who I click with. That's what genuine friendship is. It's not about what they look like or how much money they make. It's just about having a connection so you can enjoy spending time with them.

It’s not untrue that genuine friends enjoy spending time with each other and find each other interesting. But you’re missing the emotional side of it: listening, being empathic, supporting your friends. I don’t care how “interesting” someone is, if she’s a poor listener, there’s no friendship. What you describe sounds to me more like great conversation, but that’s not the same as great friendship.

As others have said, and as is true in my experience, if you want a friend, you have to be a friend. You have to ask how people are doing and genuinely care. You have to remember important details about them. You have to listen to them. And, of course, they have to do the same for you, because if it’s not mutual, it’s also not going anywhere.

[Anonymous]

OP, find or start a new parents group at your school! You will meet like people who don't think they are too important to meet new people.

[Anonymous]

Lots of 2 parent professional working households = people who are busy, who are used to having things scheduled in advance and who find last minute invites are for emergencies

Ok I am kinda joking with the last minute invite but not really

when your entire days M- F are scheduled you become conditioned to planning things in advance and putting it on a calendar and than sticking to the calendar. You also stick to people you already know who are “reliable” - they show up when they say or they can drive your kid in a pinch, etc

Activities - kids are in activities - those sign ups take place way in advance - for example spring sign ups will start very soon, put your kid in a local rec sport - you will begin to see the same parents and become more familiar

Ideas to make friends - start in your neighborhood - find other parents and slowly get to know them - takes a while

Moms at school - try and show up as often as you can - even if that means a few afternoons you show up for pick up if you normally don’t, volunteer for the class party - again it takes a while

Another consideration - divorced parents - the mom/dad might only have their kid every other weekend, she might say no to a weekend or weeknight thing if he/she doesn’t know you bc she doesn’t want to get into her whole personal life and have to tell you the kids will be with their other parent

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP. I'm really fascinated by all these people saying I should just be lucky to be friends with anyone. That's...not how friendship works, at all.

As I already clarified before, I have zero interest in status chasing, being a "cool mom" or being friends with "cool moms". I want to be friends with people whom I find interesting, whom I'm drawn to, who I click with. That's what genuine friendship is. It's not about what they look like or how much money they make. It's just about having a connection so you can enjoy spending time with them.

Right but you wrote off the people who ARE interested in socializing with you as "boring". Most people are boring when you first meet them because they are making small talk, trying to be inoffensive, and certainly not baring their soul ad deepest passions.

[Anonymous]

DP Also this should be about your kids. Often I click with moms whose kids don't click with mine and I'm not going to force my children into a social situation they don't enjoy. They're children. I as an adult can suck it up and make small talk with "boring " people if my kids are happy.

[Anonymous]

Yuck. I was initially sympathetic to OP before her telling little rants about only “duds” accepting invitations. You’re making your community a little colder and less interesting with your vibe.