Everyone's Too Busy to Be Friends

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Walk to school. Do an activity with other friends. Host a party or larger playdate. Do smaller one on one playdates with kids your kids really get along well with.

OP. I'm doing all this, but many people are too busy to join activities, playdates, or parties. The only people who RSVP yes are socially awkward or boring. I feel like I'm doomed to hang out with people I don't actually like because all the interesting people's dance cards are full.

What exactly do you do that makes you so interesting and sophisticated and therefore a higher quality social connection?

I know that "socially awkward" and "boring" are codes for stay-at-home moms, people poorer than you, people whose kids go to less prestigious schools than your children, people with fewer degrees from less prestigious schools than wherever you and your spouse went to (let me guess, Harvard), out of shape moms who've given up on fitness, people whose jobs are not particularly high status even if paid well, foreign-born parents who don't speak the language well enough to make witty banter, etc.

I always marvel at people who approach friendship with this transactional attitude and always measure potential friends against a status bar. Like you must be this tall to ride on my friendship ride. Do you think this attitude makes you a good potential friend to anyone? What if you stopped measuring and just started talking to people without any expectation that it will develop into a friendship or a useful social contact?

+1. Seriously, OP, I hope you read this, it’s the most insightful explanation of your problem.

OP. This is pretty off-base. I am foreign born and not particularly wealthy or in shape. My friends whom I met through baby groups were mostly SAHMs, nearly all foreign-born (from different countries), and went to colleges I hadn't heard of. I specifically chose a lower-ranked school district here after trying and really disliking a top rated school. I very much want to stay away from status-chasing and transactional friendships.

My friends in my past life were smart and interesting, which has nothing to do with being the "cool moms" - we were anything but that. What I really enjoyed was having deeper conversations about social issues, things going on in the world, our own lives and life choices, and hearing insightful comments and thoughts. That's what really filled my cup. Obviously we talked about basic topics as well - kids, trips, etc - but it was a mix of the more small talk topics and the deeper ones. I've met people like that here, and had the most interesting conversations - but those are the people who are overbooked.

The people who are available to hang out are perfectly nice, and of course I'm polite to them and continue spending time with them, but we just don't have much in common. They're not interested in deeper analytical conversation, I can tell they are bored when I bring up the things I'm passionate about.

Okay, I'm the one who asked what makes you so interesting. Your posts reminded me of one of the parents of my DD's fickle friend who is always trying to suss out the status of other parents and pointedly does not talk to anyone with a low-status occupation or education. If you're such a deep thinker yourself, why haven't you thought more deeply about how your snap judgments of people make it difficult for you to make new friends? And those socially awkward people you reject are more likely to be the deep thinkers you'd like to connect with, but if they're aspie, their brains are not wired to make friends so smoothly, so give them a chance (or a break).

People are not going to open up more without first establishing a baseline, which starts from casual and light topics, and then naturally processes to topics of more substance. It sounds like you would benefit from joining a political party or working on a campaign, where you'd meet lots of people who wear their passions and deep thoughts on their sleeves.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Walk to school. Do an activity with other friends. Host a party or larger playdate. Do smaller one on one playdates with kids your kids really get along well with.

OP. I'm doing all this, but many people are too busy to join activities, playdates, or parties. The only people who RSVP yes are socially awkward or boring. I feel like I'm doomed to hang out with people I don't actually like because all the interesting people's dance cards are full.

What exactly do you do that makes you so interesting and sophisticated and therefore a higher quality social connection?

I know that "socially awkward" and "boring" are codes for stay-at-home moms, people poorer than you, people whose kids go to less prestigious schools than your children, people with fewer degrees from less prestigious schools than wherever you and your spouse went to (let me guess, Harvard), out of shape moms who've given up on fitness, people whose jobs are not particularly high status even if paid well, foreign-born parents who don't speak the language well enough to make witty banter, etc.

I always marvel at people who approach friendship with this transactional attitude and always measure potential friends against a status bar. Like you must be this tall to ride on my friendship ride. Do you think this attitude makes you a good potential friend to anyone? What if you stopped measuring and just started talking to people without any expectation that it will develop into a friendship or a useful social contact?

+1. Seriously, OP, I hope you read this, it’s the most insightful explanation of your problem.

OP. This is pretty off-base. I am foreign born and not particularly wealthy or in shape. My friends whom I met through baby groups were mostly SAHMs, nearly all foreign-born (from different countries), and went to colleges I hadn't heard of. I specifically chose a lower-ranked school district here after trying and really disliking a top rated school. I very much want to stay away from status-chasing and transactional friendships.

My friends in my past life were smart and interesting, which has nothing to do with being the "cool moms" - we were anything but that. What I really enjoyed was having deeper conversations about social issues, things going on in the world, our own lives and life choices, and hearing insightful comments and thoughts. That's what really filled my cup. Obviously we talked about basic topics as well - kids, trips, etc - but it was a mix of the more small talk topics and the deeper ones. I've met people like that here, and had the most interesting conversations - but those are the people who are overbooked.

The people who are available to hang out are perfectly nice, and of course I'm polite to them and continue spending time with them, but we just don't have much in common. They're not interested in deeper analytical conversation, I can tell they are bored when I bring up the things I'm passionate about.

Okay, I'm the one who asked what makes you so interesting. Your posts reminded me of one of the parents of my DD's fickle friend who is always trying to suss out the status of other parents and pointedly does not talk to anyone with a low-status occupation or education. If you're such a deep thinker yourself, why haven't you thought more deeply about how your snap judgments of people make it difficult for you to make new friends? And those socially awkward people you reject are more likely to be the deep thinkers you'd like to connect with, but if they're aspie, their brains are not wired to make friends so smoothly, so give them a chance (or a break).

People are not going to open up more without first establishing a baseline, which starts from casual and light topics, and then naturally processes to topics of more substance. It sounds like you would benefit from joining a political party or working on a campaign, where you'd meet lots of people who wear their passions and deep thoughts on their sleeves.

DP here. I am an ivy educated SAHM. I used to be a working mom. I have lived in a diverse SES neighborhood as well as a wealthy neighborhood. I have three pretty amazing kids who are well behaved. We have not had problems making friends in either neighborhood. I guess we can be considered high status. We have a high income and prestigious jobs. I would not want to be friends with anyone who wants to be my friend due to status. We have friends from all different backgrounds. We throw great parties. We get invited to a lot of parties. I host play dates. I carpool. I try to help out when I can. We have friends who are private jet people as well as teachers, feds and military. Dh is well respected and liked. My kids have a lot of friends. I’m friendly with everyone.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Walk to school. Do an activity with other friends. Host a party or larger playdate. Do smaller one on one playdates with kids your kids really get along well with.

OP. I'm doing all this, but many people are too busy to join activities, playdates, or parties. The only people who RSVP yes are socially awkward or boring. I feel like I'm doomed to hang out with people I don't actually like because all the interesting people's dance cards are full.

No, it’s because most people have learned that it’s not good to try and be friends with your kid’s friend’s parents. Some of us have older children. We have seen how those kids who got along wonderfully for most of elementary school start drifting apart later and sometimes feelings are hurt. The parents don’t understand how it’s a normal part of development and try to intervene, to hold onto the family get togethers. It makes it worse. If it’s still going on in middle school, the kids aren’t speaking and the parents are posting on the teen forum about how Jane is the victim of mean girl behavior and her mom, your close friend, won’t step in and make her daughter include Jane on sleepovers. Take a look over there and see.

Save yourself the drama. Find friends that are separate from your children.

+1

It’s actually great advice to not try to make whole-family friends

OP. This is a very fair point that several people have made. But at this point in my life, I am with my kids when I am not working. I enjoy getting together with other families to go trick or treating or apple picking or out to dinner or to take a vacation together. I guess having had family friends and seen how amazing it is when it all clicks, I am really missing it.

I'm under no illusions that it will be forever. In fact, some of my friends in my last hometown and I started growing apart even before most of us in the group moved away. But it was fine, no drama, we enjoyed it while it lasted and I would like to find that again.

I hear what you are saying, but expecting vacations and apple picking is an incredibly high bar, and likely an idealized view. There is literally no other family I would ever want to do those things with.
That said, I do think there is a lot of truth to doing what you want to do as a nuclear family, inviting people to join, and doing it regardless of whether they are free. ie: we are going canoeing saturday at 4pm. would larla want to join (or you too?). and then go canoeing even if they can't.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Walk to school. Do an activity with other friends. Host a party or larger playdate. Do smaller one on one playdates with kids your kids really get along well with.

OP. I'm doing all this, but many people are too busy to join activities, playdates, or parties. The only people who RSVP yes are socially awkward or boring. I feel like I'm doomed to hang out with people I don't actually like because all the interesting people's dance cards are full.

No, it’s because most people have learned that it’s not good to try and be friends with your kid’s friend’s parents. Some of us have older children. We have seen how those kids who got along wonderfully for most of elementary school start drifting apart later and sometimes feelings are hurt. The parents don’t understand how it’s a normal part of development and try to intervene, to hold onto the family get togethers. It makes it worse. If it’s still going on in middle school, the kids aren’t speaking and the parents are posting on the teen forum about how Jane is the victim of mean girl behavior and her mom, your close friend, won’t step in and make her daughter include Jane on sleepovers. Take a look over there and see.

Save yourself the drama. Find friends that are separate from your children.

+1

It’s actually great advice to not try to make whole-family friends

OP. This is a very fair point that several people have made. But at this point in my life, I am with my kids when I am not working. I enjoy getting together with other families to go trick or treating or apple picking or out to dinner or to take a vacation together. I guess having had family friends and seen how amazing it is when it all clicks, I am really missing it.

I'm under no illusions that it will be forever. In fact, some of my friends in my last hometown and I started growing apart even before most of us in the group moved away. But it was fine, no drama, we enjoyed it while it lasted and I would like to find that again.

I hear what you are saying, but expecting vacations and apple picking is an incredibly high bar, and likely an idealized view. There is literally no other family I would ever want to do those things with.
That said, I do think there is a lot of truth to doing what you want to do as a nuclear family, inviting people to join, and doing it regardless of whether they are free. ie: we are going canoeing saturday at 4pm. would larla want to join (or you too?). and then go canoeing even if they can't.

As kids get older, schedules get difficult. Is your Dh social? Your kids?

I think the key to making family friends is to be very likable as a family. The kids have to also all get along. It is key for the moms and dads to like one another or else you aren’t going to want to give up your precious weekend time. I am happy to go apple picking with just my nuclear family. I recently organized a brewery outing with a bunch of families. Everyone had a great time.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Walk to school. Do an activity with other friends. Host a party or larger playdate. Do smaller one on one playdates with kids your kids really get along well with.

OP. I'm doing all this, but many people are too busy to join activities, playdates, or parties. The only people who RSVP yes are socially awkward or boring. I feel like I'm doomed to hang out with people I don't actually like because all the interesting people's dance cards are full.

What exactly do you do that makes you so interesting and sophisticated and therefore a higher quality social connection?

I know that "socially awkward" and "boring" are codes for stay-at-home moms, people poorer than you, people whose kids go to less prestigious schools than your children, people with fewer degrees from less prestigious schools than wherever you and your spouse went to (let me guess, Harvard), out of shape moms who've given up on fitness, people whose jobs are not particularly high status even if paid well, foreign-born parents who don't speak the language well enough to make witty banter, etc.

I always marvel at people who approach friendship with this transactional attitude and always measure potential friends against a status bar. Like you must be this tall to ride on my friendship ride. Do you think this attitude makes you a good potential friend to anyone? What if you stopped measuring and just started talking to people without any expectation that it will develop into a friendship or a useful social contact?

+1. Seriously, OP, I hope you read this, it’s the most insightful explanation of your problem.

OP. This is pretty off-base. I am foreign born and not particularly wealthy or in shape. My friends whom I met through baby groups were mostly SAHMs, nearly all foreign-born (from different countries), and went to colleges I hadn't heard of. I specifically chose a lower-ranked school district here after trying and really disliking a top rated school. I very much want to stay away from status-chasing and transactional friendships.

My friends in my past life were smart and interesting, which has nothing to do with being the "cool moms" - we were anything but that. What I really enjoyed was having deeper conversations about social issues, things going on in the world, our own lives and life choices, and hearing insightful comments and thoughts. That's what really filled my cup. Obviously we talked about basic topics as well - kids, trips, etc - but it was a mix of the more small talk topics and the deeper ones. I've met people like that here, and had the most interesting conversations - but those are the people who are overbooked.

The people who are available to hang out are perfectly nice, and of course I'm polite to them and continue spending time with them, but we just don't have much in common. They're not interested in deeper analytical conversation, I can tell they are bored when I bring up the things I'm passionate about.

Okay, I'm the one who asked what makes you so interesting. Your posts reminded me of one of the parents of my DD's fickle friend who is always trying to suss out the status of other parents and pointedly does not talk to anyone with a low-status occupation or education. If you're such a deep thinker yourself, why haven't you thought more deeply about how your snap judgments of people make it difficult for you to make new friends? And those socially awkward people you reject are more likely to be the deep thinkers you'd like to connect with, but if they're aspie, their brains are not wired to make friends so smoothly, so give them a chance (or a break).

People are not going to open up more without first establishing a baseline, which starts from casual and light topics, and then naturally processes to topics of more substance. It sounds like you would benefit from joining a political party or working on a campaign, where you'd meet lots of people who wear their passions and deep thoughts on their sleeves.

DP here. I am an ivy educated SAHM. I used to be a working mom. I have lived in a diverse SES neighborhood as well as a wealthy neighborhood. I have three pretty amazing kids who are well behaved. We have not had problems making friends in either neighborhood. I guess we can be considered high status. We have a high income and prestigious jobs. I would not want to be friends with anyone who wants to be my friend due to status. We have friends from all different backgrounds. We throw great parties. We get invited to a lot of parties. I host play dates. I carpool. I try to help out when I can. We have friends who are private jet people as well as teachers, feds and military. Dh is well respected and liked. My kids have a lot of friends. I’m friendly with everyone.

That's nice dear, but what does that have to do with anything? Maybe you should write "Memoir of the DP from Page 5."

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Walk to school. Do an activity with other friends. Host a party or larger playdate. Do smaller one on one playdates with kids your kids really get along well with.

OP. I'm doing all this, but many people are too busy to join activities, playdates, or parties. The only people who RSVP yes are socially awkward or boring. I feel like I'm doomed to hang out with people I don't actually like because all the interesting people's dance cards are full.

What exactly do you do that makes you so interesting and sophisticated and therefore a higher quality social connection?

I know that "socially awkward" and "boring" are codes for stay-at-home moms, people poorer than you, people whose kids go to less prestigious schools than your children, people with fewer degrees from less prestigious schools than wherever you and your spouse went to (let me guess, Harvard), out of shape moms who've given up on fitness, people whose jobs are not particularly high status even if paid well, foreign-born parents who don't speak the language well enough to make witty banter, etc.

I always marvel at people who approach friendship with this transactional attitude and always measure potential friends against a status bar. Like you must be this tall to ride on my friendship ride. Do you think this attitude makes you a good potential friend to anyone? What if you stopped measuring and just started talking to people without any expectation that it will develop into a friendship or a useful social contact?

+1. Seriously, OP, I hope you read this, it’s the most insightful explanation of your problem.

OP. This is pretty off-base. I am foreign born and not particularly wealthy or in shape. My friends whom I met through baby groups were mostly SAHMs, nearly all foreign-born (from different countries), and went to colleges I hadn't heard of. I specifically chose a lower-ranked school district here after trying and really disliking a top rated school. I very much want to stay away from status-chasing and transactional friendships.

My friends in my past life were smart and interesting, which has nothing to do with being the "cool moms" - we were anything but that. What I really enjoyed was having deeper conversations about social issues, things going on in the world, our own lives and life choices, and hearing insightful comments and thoughts. That's what really filled my cup. Obviously we talked about basic topics as well - kids, trips, etc - but it was a mix of the more small talk topics and the deeper ones. I've met people like that here, and had the most interesting conversations - but those are the people who are overbooked.

The people who are available to hang out are perfectly nice, and of course I'm polite to them and continue spending time with them, but we just don't have much in common. They're not interested in deeper analytical conversation, I can tell they are bored when I bring up the things I'm passionate about.

Okay, I'm the one who asked what makes you so interesting. Your posts reminded me of one of the parents of my DD's fickle friend who is always trying to suss out the status of other parents and pointedly does not talk to anyone with a low-status occupation or education. If you're such a deep thinker yourself, why haven't you thought more deeply about how your snap judgments of people make it difficult for you to make new friends? And those socially awkward people you reject are more likely to be the deep thinkers you'd like to connect with, but if they're aspie, their brains are not wired to make friends so smoothly, so give them a chance (or a break).

People are not going to open up more without first establishing a baseline, which starts from casual and light topics, and then naturally processes to topics of more substance. It sounds like you would benefit from joining a political party or working on a campaign, where you'd meet lots of people who wear their passions and deep thoughts on their sleeves.

DP here. I am an ivy educated SAHM. I used to be a working mom. I have lived in a diverse SES neighborhood as well as a wealthy neighborhood. I have three pretty amazing kids who are well behaved. We have not had problems making friends in either neighborhood. I guess we can be considered high status. We have a high income and prestigious jobs. I would not want to be friends with anyone who wants to be my friend due to status. We have friends from all different backgrounds. We throw great parties. We get invited to a lot of parties. I host play dates. I carpool. I try to help out when I can. We have friends who are private jet people as well as teachers, feds and military. Dh is well respected and liked. My kids have a lot of friends. I’m friendly with everyone.

That's nice dear, but what does that have to do with anything? Maybe you should write "Memoir of the DP from Page 5."

My point was that if you are friendly and not status driven, it may be easier to make friends. I have always made friends easily. I got multiple invites today to make plans for just myself, my kids and families. Other families like to travel with us. We are fun. We are easy. I think every member of our family is likable so people like to hang out with us as a family. We also don’t give off a competitive or striver attitude because that isn’t our style. The most successful people we know seem to like that most about us. We don’t try hard.

I host a lot, OP. I used to feel like I was the only one hosting when kids were younger. People often didn’t reciprocate but they always accepted our invitations. This started back wheb my kids were toddlers and in preschool. I used to host Halloween parties, holiday parties, Friendsgiving, Valentine’s Day. Now I host a lot less and all those people I hosted for all those years now invite me out to their parties or just to have dinner and go out. I connected with some other moms at elementary recently. Im a room parent and planned the class kindergarten party. The other mom invited us over and now I’m having them over to our house. Friendships should feel natural and not forced.

[Anonymous]

OP, I’ll be honest. i really don’t have time for impromptu chats or unplanned drop-in visits. Most people who suggest that we should get together are not actually issuing invitations, they are expecting one. If you invite, I will reciprocate. But it needs to be something concrete.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Walk to school. Do an activity with other friends. Host a party or larger playdate. Do smaller one on one playdates with kids your kids really get along well with.

OP. I'm doing all this, but many people are too busy to join activities, playdates, or parties. The only people who RSVP yes are socially awkward or boring. I feel like I'm doomed to hang out with people I don't actually like because all the interesting people's dance cards are full.

Lol and you wonder why you don’t have friends

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Walk to school. Do an activity with other friends. Host a party or larger playdate. Do smaller one on one playdates with kids your kids really get along well with.

OP. I'm doing all this, but many people are too busy to join activities, playdates, or parties. The only people who RSVP yes are socially awkward or boring. I feel like I'm doomed to hang out with people I don't actually like because all the interesting people's dance cards are full.

Lol and you wonder why you don’t have friends

Wow. I missed that post from OP. Those cooler people are hanging out without you.

[Anonymous]

Honestly OP I think part of it is that people in the DC area aren't as social/like to spend more time with their nuclear family compared to other parts of the country that are more "fun loving". Part of it is probably guilt from working long hours/having a long commute. Some people feel like all time outside of work should be family time because there isn't a ton of it. The other part is personality. DC is known for having more serious people. When the pandemic hit there were a LOT of people on here and in the area who seemed just fine hanging out at home with just their family for month or even years! Some of them were kind of sanctimonious about it on here ("just stay home, it's not that hard") and probably can't put themselves in the shoes of people who truly need to socialize and go out and meet people/make friends in order to feel psychologically healthy.

My sister lives in a different area and it seems a lot easier to make family friends there. People are less overscheduled where she lives, and seem to have more time and interest in arranging family get togethers once they realize their kids get along with each other. I am jealous. I have a couple of friends here where we all get along well enough to do the family get together thing, but it's rare. Most of my socializing is with other moms after kid bedtime, and that's hard to get on the calendar. It's been hard to find parents of kids who get along with ours, that we also feel like we click with. We can do small talk but there often isn't enough common ground to move beyond that. Maybe it's better that way as PPs have mentioned, since the kids' friendships can change anyway.

It takes time to find true friends and it has to happen naturally. You have to find people you have enough in common with AND your kids have to get along AND your schedules have to line up to some extent. A lot has to fall into place.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Walk to school. Do an activity with other friends. Host a party or larger playdate. Do smaller one on one playdates with kids your kids really get along well with.

OP. I'm doing all this, but many people are too busy to join activities, playdates, or parties. The only people who RSVP yes are socially awkward or boring. I feel like I'm doomed to hang out with people I don't actually like because all the interesting people's dance cards are full.

What exactly do you do that makes you so interesting and sophisticated and therefore a higher quality social connection?

I know that "socially awkward" and "boring" are codes for stay-at-home moms, people poorer than you, people whose kids go to less prestigious schools than your children, people with fewer degrees from less prestigious schools than wherever you and your spouse went to (let me guess, Harvard), out of shape moms who've given up on fitness, people whose jobs are not particularly high status even if paid well, foreign-born parents who don't speak the language well enough to make witty banter, etc.

I always marvel at people who approach friendship with this transactional attitude and always measure potential friends against a status bar. Like you must be this tall to ride on my friendship ride. Do you think this attitude makes you a good potential friend to anyone? What if you stopped measuring and just started talking to people without any expectation that it will develop into a friendship or a useful social contact?

+1. Seriously, OP, I hope you read this, it’s the most insightful explanation of your problem.

OP. This is pretty off-base. I am foreign born and not particularly wealthy or in shape. My friends whom I met through baby groups were mostly SAHMs, nearly all foreign-born (from different countries), and went to colleges I hadn't heard of. I specifically chose a lower-ranked school district here after trying and really disliking a top rated school. I very much want to stay away from status-chasing and transactional friendships.

My friends in my past life were smart and interesting, which has nothing to do with being the "cool moms" - we were anything but that. What I really enjoyed was having deeper conversations about social issues, things going on in the world, our own lives and life choices, and hearing insightful comments and thoughts. That's what really filled my cup. Obviously we talked about basic topics as well - kids, trips, etc - but it was a mix of the more small talk topics and the deeper ones. I've met people like that here, and had the most interesting conversations - but those are the people who are overbooked.

The people who are available to hang out are perfectly nice, and of course I'm polite to them and continue spending time with them, but we just don't have much in common. They're not interested in deeper analytical conversation, I can tell they are bored when I bring up the things I'm passionate about.

Okay, I'm the one who asked what makes you so interesting. Your posts reminded me of one of the parents of my DD's fickle friend who is always trying to suss out the status of other parents and pointedly does not talk to anyone with a low-status occupation or education. If you're such a deep thinker yourself, why haven't you thought more deeply about how your snap judgments of people make it difficult for you to make new friends? And those socially awkward people you reject are more likely to be the deep thinkers you'd like to connect with, but if they're aspie, their brains are not wired to make friends so smoothly, so give them a chance (or a break).

People are not going to open up more without first establishing a baseline, which starts from casual and light topics, and then naturally processes to topics of more substance. It sounds like you would benefit from joining a political party or working on a campaign, where you'd meet lots of people who wear their passions and deep thoughts on their sleeves.

DP here. I am an ivy educated SAHM. I used to be a working mom. I have lived in a diverse SES neighborhood as well as a wealthy neighborhood. I have three pretty amazing kids who are well behaved. We have not had problems making friends in either neighborhood. I guess we can be considered high status. We have a high income and prestigious jobs. I would not want to be friends with anyone who wants to be my friend due to status. We have friends from all different backgrounds. We throw great parties. We get invited to a lot of parties. I host play dates. I carpool. I try to help out when I can. We have friends who are private jet people as well as teachers, feds and military. Dh is well respected and liked. My kids have a lot of friends. I’m friendly with everyone.

That's nice dear, but what does that have to do with anything? Maybe you should write "Memoir of the DP from Page 5."

My point was that if you are friendly and not status driven, it may be easier to make friends. I have always made friends easily. I got multiple invites today to make plans for just myself, my kids and families. Other families like to travel with us. We are fun. We are easy. I think every member of our family is likable so people like to hang out with us as a family. We also don’t give off a competitive or striver attitude because that isn’t our style. The most successful people we know seem to like that most about us. We don’t try hard.

I host a lot, OP. I used to feel like I was the only one hosting when kids were younger. People often didn’t reciprocate but they always accepted our invitations. This started back wheb my kids were toddlers and in preschool. I used to host Halloween parties, holiday parties, Friendsgiving, Valentine’s Day. Now I host a lot less and all those people I hosted for all those years now invite me out to their parties or just to have dinner and go out. I connected with some other moms at elementary recently. Im a room parent and planned the class kindergarten party. The other mom invited us over and now I’m having them over to our house. Friendships should feel natural and not forced.

And yet your posts are all kids of try hard with cheese on top.

[Anonymous]

OP maybe you could join a book club. I’m not in one now (don’t really have time and have not been invited to one) bin grad school I looooved my book club because I am also bad at small talk and enjoyed talking about something a bit more interesting. I don’t really know how you go about finding one here though…

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I have always made friends very easily. Then I moved to the DMV and noticed people only want to be friends with you if they feel they can get something from you - status, vacations, access to other people, etc. Honestly, DH and I didn't enjoy it and moved to NYC two years later.

"If you want a friend in Washington, get a dog." - old saying

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Walk to school. Do an activity with other friends. Host a party or larger playdate. Do smaller one on one playdates with kids your kids really get along well with.

OP. I'm doing all this, but many people are too busy to join activities, playdates, or parties. The only people who RSVP yes are socially awkward or boring. I feel like I'm doomed to hang out with people I don't actually like because all the interesting people's dance cards are full.

What exactly do you do that makes you so interesting and sophisticated and therefore a higher quality social connection?

I know that "socially awkward" and "boring" are codes for stay-at-home moms, people poorer than you, people whose kids go to less prestigious schools than your children, people with fewer degrees from less prestigious schools than wherever you and your spouse went to (let me guess, Harvard), out of shape moms who've given up on fitness, people whose jobs are not particularly high status even if paid well, foreign-born parents who don't speak the language well enough to make witty banter, etc.

I always marvel at people who approach friendship with this transactional attitude and always measure potential friends against a status bar. Like you must be this tall to ride on my friendship ride. Do you think this attitude makes you a good potential friend to anyone? What if you stopped measuring and just started talking to people without any expectation that it will develop into a friendship or a useful social contact?

+1. Seriously, OP, I hope you read this, it’s the most insightful explanation of your problem.

OP. This is pretty off-base. I am foreign born and not particularly wealthy or in shape. My friends whom I met through baby groups were mostly SAHMs, nearly all foreign-born (from different countries), and went to colleges I hadn't heard of. I specifically chose a lower-ranked school district here after trying and really disliking a top rated school. I very much want to stay away from status-chasing and transactional friendships.

My friends in my past life were smart and interesting, which has nothing to do with being the "cool moms" - we were anything but that. What I really enjoyed was having deeper conversations about social issues, things going on in the world, our own lives and life choices, and hearing insightful comments and thoughts. That's what really filled my cup. Obviously we talked about basic topics as well - kids, trips, etc - but it was a mix of the more small talk topics and the deeper ones. I've met people like that here, and had the most interesting conversations - but those are the people who are overbooked.

The people who are available to hang out are perfectly nice, and of course I'm polite to them and continue spending time with them, but we just don't have much in common. They're not interested in deeper analytical conversation, I can tell they are bored when I bring up the things I'm passionate about.

Okay, I'm the one who asked what makes you so interesting. Your posts reminded me of one of the parents of my DD's fickle friend who is always trying to suss out the status of other parents and pointedly does not talk to anyone with a low-status occupation or education. If you're such a deep thinker yourself, why haven't you thought more deeply about how your snap judgments of people make it difficult for you to make new friends? And those socially awkward people you reject are more likely to be the deep thinkers you'd like to connect with, but if they're aspie, their brains are not wired to make friends so smoothly, so give them a chance (or a break).

People are not going to open up more without first establishing a baseline, which starts from casual and light topics, and then naturally processes to topics of more substance. It sounds like you would benefit from joining a political party or working on a campaign, where you'd meet lots of people who wear their passions and deep thoughts on their sleeves.

DP here. I am an ivy educated SAHM. I used to be a working mom. I have lived in a diverse SES neighborhood as well as a wealthy neighborhood. I have three pretty amazing kids who are well behaved. We have not had problems making friends in either neighborhood. I guess we can be considered high status. We have a high income and prestigious jobs. I would not want to be friends with anyone who wants to be my friend due to status. We have friends from all different backgrounds. We throw great parties. We get invited to a lot of parties. I host play dates. I carpool. I try to help out when I can. We have friends who are private jet people as well as teachers, feds and military. Dh is well respected and liked. My kids have a lot of friends. I’m friendly with everyone.

That's nice dear, but what does that have to do with anything? Maybe you should write "Memoir of the DP from Page 5."

My point was that if you are friendly and not status driven, it may be easier to make friends. I have always made friends easily. I got multiple invites today to make plans for just myself, my kids and families. Other families like to travel with us. We are fun. We are easy. I think every member of our family is likable so people like to hang out with us as a family. We also don’t give off a competitive or striver attitude because that isn’t our style. The most successful people we know seem to like that most about us. We don’t try hard.

I host a lot, OP. I used to feel like I was the only one hosting when kids were younger. People often didn’t reciprocate but they always accepted our invitations. This started back wheb my kids were toddlers and in preschool. I used to host Halloween parties, holiday parties, Friendsgiving, Valentine’s Day. Now I host a lot less and all those people I hosted for all those years now invite me out to their parties or just to have dinner and go out. I connected with some other moms at elementary recently. Im a room parent and planned the class kindergarten party. The other mom invited us over and now I’m having them over to our house. Friendships should feel natural and not forced.

In reality you sound insufferable.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Walk to school. Do an activity with other friends. Host a party or larger playdate. Do smaller one on one playdates with kids your kids really get along well with.

OP. I'm doing all this, but many people are too busy to join activities, playdates, or parties. The only people who RSVP yes are socially awkward or boring. I feel like I'm doomed to hang out with people I don't actually like because all the interesting people's dance cards are full.

No, it’s because most people have learned that it’s not good to try and be friends with your kid’s friend’s parents. Some of us have older children. We have seen how those kids who got along wonderfully for most of elementary school start drifting apart later and sometimes feelings are hurt. The parents don’t understand how it’s a normal part of development and try to intervene, to hold onto the family get togethers. It makes it worse. If it’s still going on in middle school, the kids aren’t speaking and the parents are posting on the teen forum about how Jane is the victim of mean girl behavior and her mom, your close friend, won’t step in and make her daughter include Jane on sleepovers. Take a look over there and see.

Save yourself the drama. Find friends that are separate from your children.

+1

It’s actually great advice to not try to make whole-family friends

OP. This is a very fair point that several people have made. But at this point in my life, I am with my kids when I am not working. I enjoy getting together with other families to go trick or treating or apple picking or out to dinner or to take a vacation together. I guess having had family friends and seen how amazing it is when it all clicks, I am really missing it.

I'm under no illusions that it will be forever. In fact, some of my friends in my last hometown and I started growing apart even before most of us in the group moved away. But it was fine, no drama, we enjoyed it while it lasted and I would like to find that again.

Asking a family to hang out with your family is a talk order. What does your family being to the table? |