Everyone's Too Busy to Be Friends

[Anonymous]

My advice is to do some activities or if you have activities, focus your friendship on people there.

Camp planning and sign-up starts in early January, so talk to people in December about their plans if you want your kids to be with theirs.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Walk to school. Do an activity with other friends. Host a party or larger playdate. Do smaller one on one playdates with kids your kids really get along well with.

OP. I'm doing all this, but many people are too busy to join activities, playdates, or parties. The only people who RSVP yes are socially awkward or boring. I feel like I'm doomed to hang out with people I don't actually like because all the interesting people's dance cards are full.

Wow. I just lost all sympathy for you. I hope the “interesting” people are judging you just as harshly as you judge the “socially awkward or boring” people. Sounds like you didn’t click with the people who RSVPd yes (or you didn’t give them a chance b/c they didn’t fully entertain you). It speaks volumes about you that you blame the lack of connection on those poor souls (and what you perceive as their personality flaws) rather than considering that you were partially responsible for lackluster get togethers. Just because you didn’t enjoy spending time with them doesn’t mean they are 100% the problem here. And by the way, they made time to attend your party, at least show some gratitude for that!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Church

This is how I met my people. The key with new friends is that you need to bump into them a few times before you click, and even if families are going every two or four weeks, you will see them often enough to start those conversations that then lead to a deeper relationship. Get your kids involved in the choir, attend a service night, join the book club, etc. Key is to find a group with an active youth membership.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Join a book group or some other regularly scheduled activity where you see the people over and over.

You’ll probably need to be the one to initiate it.

[Anonymous]

Sign your kid up for an activity with a friend they enjoy from class.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Sign your kid up for an activity with a friend they enjoy from class.

Yes, honestly most of my friends now are parents of my kids' friends (I know those relationships might not last, though). I've noticed people hold parties and invite neighbors or families from school - that can be a way to get to know people, but they might not reciprocate. Also, join an activity that you are interested in (a club, a class, a sport).

[Anonymous]

We moved a year ago, just before school started 2021. We are not from this area and didn't know anyone in the area when we moved here. Making friends as an adult is exhausting. I'm a SAHM w/ 2 elementary school kids. I'm guessing if I did work outside the home, I'd be more likely to make friends through work connections but at the same time I'd have less free time to spend on developing a social life. As a SAHM, what I've tried to do is get involved in a lot of things at the kids' school: volunteering at the school often so I meet other parents who are also volunteering and meet the kids so I get to know my kids' classmates, walking the kids to and from school each day and talking to parents at pick up/drop off, sticking around after pick up in the afternoons while the kids play at the playground--there's almost always at least one other family at the playground after pick up just hanging out if it's a nice weather day, signing my kids up for many different activities at the school: there's a school sports league, there are after school clubs or signing them up for activities that are not at the school but that we know someone else who's doing it so I can get to know the other parents better at the sidelines of a sports game or while sitting around waiting for our kids to come out of ballet class or whatever, inviting kids over for play dates and hosting as much as we can/not expecting reciprocation.

It works to some extent. I have gotten to know many of their classmates' parents better through doing all of the above. However, it takes time. And many times if I start to over analyze it or think too much about it, I feel it is one-sided and I get annoyed that we're always the ones hosting play dates or reaching out to ask if someone else's kid wants to do a camp with our kid or whatever. But I try to just not think about that stuff and just keep being friendly. I think eventually some things will click. We have moved around a lot, before and after having kids. It always takes at least a few years to really feel like you've found your group.

[Anonymous]

If this is about adult I don't know what the problem. If it's about kids, they're very overscheduled and too busy.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Walk to school. Do an activity with other friends. Host a party or larger playdate. Do smaller one on one playdates with kids your kids really get along well with.

OP. I'm doing all this, but many people are too busy to join activities, playdates, or parties. The only people who RSVP yes are socially awkward or boring. I feel like I'm doomed to hang out with people I don't actually like because all the interesting people's dance cards are full.

LOL. How do you know you don't seem "awkward or boring" to the people you are trying to hang out with?
Honestly, I would get to know these "awkward or boring" people. It's not high school anymore.

I'm wondering if it's an OP problem too because of the constant mention of "interesting" people. How do you know they're interesting if they're too busy to have a glass of wine with you? The dance card makes it seem even more like it's some popularity thing. Also, confusing socially awkward with boring just means that you don't have the social chops you think you do.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Walk to school. Do an activity with other friends. Host a party or larger playdate. Do smaller one on one playdates with kids your kids really get along well with.

OP. I'm doing all this, but many people are too busy to join activities, playdates, or parties. The only people who RSVP yes are socially awkward or boring. I feel like I'm doomed to hang out with people I don't actually like because all the interesting people's dance cards are full.

What exactly do you do that makes you so interesting and sophisticated and therefore a higher quality social connection?

I know that "socially awkward" and "boring" are codes for stay-at-home moms, people poorer than you, people whose kids go to less prestigious schools than your children, people with fewer degrees from less prestigious schools than wherever you and your spouse went to (let me guess, Harvard), out of shape moms who've given up on fitness, people whose jobs are not particularly high status even if paid well, foreign-born parents who don't speak the language well enough to make witty banter, etc.

I always marvel at people who approach friendship with this transactional attitude and always measure potential friends against a status bar. Like you must be this tall to ride on my friendship ride. Do you think this attitude makes you a good potential friend to anyone? What if you stopped measuring and just started talking to people without any expectation that it will develop into a friendship or a useful social contact?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Walk to school. Do an activity with other friends. Host a party or larger playdate. Do smaller one on one playdates with kids your kids really get along well with.

OP. I'm doing all this, but many people are too busy to join activities, playdates, or parties. The only people who RSVP yes are socially awkward or boring. I feel like I'm doomed to hang out with people I don't actually like because all the interesting people's dance cards are full.

3

Ouch. Maybe all the interesting ones can see this.

[Anonymous]

Too busy to read all the replies (!) but my most successful recent new friendships with other moms have evolved out of suggestions about trying an exercise class together or regular long early morning walk. Getting exercise plus social interaction makes it efficient and takes pressure off the social part. It’s honestly hard to find time for pure social activities especially with a family you don’t know well.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Friends! How many of us have them ?

I would be Friends! with anyone who likes Whodini!!!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Walk to school. Do an activity with other friends. Host a party or larger playdate. Do smaller one on one playdates with kids your kids really get along well with.

OP. I'm doing all this, but many people are too busy to join activities, playdates, or parties. The only people who RSVP yes are socially awkward or boring. I feel like I'm doomed to hang out with people I don't actually like because all the interesting people's dance cards are full.

What exactly do you do that makes you so interesting and sophisticated and therefore a higher quality social connection?

I know that "socially awkward" and "boring" are codes for stay-at-home moms, people poorer than you, people whose kids go to less prestigious schools than your children, people with fewer degrees from less prestigious schools than wherever you and your spouse went to (let me guess, Harvard), out of shape moms who've given up on fitness, people whose jobs are not particularly high status even if paid well, foreign-born parents who don't speak the language well enough to make witty banter, etc.

I always marvel at people who approach friendship with this transactional attitude and always measure potential friends against a status bar. Like you must be this tall to ride on my friendship ride. Do you think this attitude makes you a good potential friend to anyone? What if you stopped measuring and just started talking to people without any expectation that it will develop into a friendship or a useful social contact?

+1. Seriously, OP, I hope you read this, it’s the most insightful explanation of your problem.

[Anonymous]

Why are you trying to make family friends? It sounds like you just need to make friends. Find something you like to do, go do that thing, and meet people that way. Don’t use your kids as a way to build your social network.