Everyone's Too Busy to Be Friends

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Walk to school. Do an activity with other friends. Host a party or larger playdate. Do smaller one on one playdates with kids your kids really get along well with.

OP. I'm doing all this, but many people are too busy to join activities, playdates, or parties. The only people who RSVP yes are socially awkward or boring. I feel like I'm doomed to hang out with people I don't actually like because all the interesting people's dance cards are full.

No, it’s because most people have learned that it’s not good to try and be friends with your kid’s friend’s parents. Some of us have older children. We have seen how those kids who got along wonderfully for most of elementary school start drifting apart later and sometimes feelings are hurt. The parents don’t understand how it’s a normal part of development and try to intervene, to hold onto the family get togethers. It makes it worse. If it’s still going on in middle school, the kids aren’t speaking and the parents are posting on the teen forum about how Jane is the victim of mean girl behavior and her mom, your close friend, won’t step in and make her daughter include Jane on sleepovers. Take a look over there and see.

Save yourself the drama. Find friends that are separate from your children.

+1

It’s actually great advice to not try to make whole-family friends

OP. This is a very fair point that several people have made. But at this point in my life, I am with my kids when I am not working. I enjoy getting together with other families to go trick or treating or apple picking or out to dinner or to take a vacation together. I guess having had family friends and seen how amazing it is when it all clicks, I am really missing it.

I'm under no illusions that it will be forever. In fact, some of my friends in my last hometown and I started growing apart even before most of us in the group moved away. But it was fine, no drama, we enjoyed it while it lasted and I would like to find that again.

Asking a family to hang out with your family is a talk order. What does your family being to the table? |

tall order

[Anonymous]

I’ve been in OP’s boat and I’ve also been on the other side. Both are hard.

We are always looking for families from our kid’s classes who would be interested in becoming better friends, assuming the kid’s hit it off. It never really works out. We do play dates and such but have never found the kind of family friends you are talking about. Partly it’s that we have an only and other people have other kids and our family doesn’t meet their family’s needs (who will big brother play with if the girls are too much younger?). But it’s also that other families always seem to have much more rigid schedules and there’s no room for anything but occasional play dates.

On the other hand, I know we sometimes seem too busy for closer friendships because we have a lot of friends, mostly with kids, and we have lots and lots of get togethers with them. For a family new to DC, this probably sounds like “we already have friends, no thanks.” But these are entirely friends from before having kids, their kids are different ages than ours, and while we love them, we are absolutely still in the market for more friends. But yes, we might not be able to hang out THIS weekend because it’s my best friend’s 40th and of course we can’t miss.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Lived in the DMV for a number of years. Our kids were small, then teens. It was very difficult to make friends, period. The entire time. I tried at first, but over time realized that the people are too busy striving -- for lack of a better word. If you do not have something offer them that they want, they move on. That thing might be free babysitting, a professional connection that gets them ahead, a side hustle customer/someone they can get to buy from them, someone with trade skills who could be useful as free work around their house (fix a faulty sink, install a new light fixture), etc.

Sorry to break it to you, but DMV folks don't just create time for other people unless those people serve them in some way. It is a culture that uses people.

I’ve seen iterations of this frequently on DCUM and in this very thread. To me, it seems like striving, transactional transplants exclusively seek out other striving transactional transplants for friendships— and get disappointed when the striving or the transactional goals get in the way of developing deeper friendships.

Meanwhile, many of us “DMV folks” who have often lived in the area for generations, continue to prioritize our friendships with lifelong and newer true friends. And sometimes we trade skills and resources— because real friends often do. 🍿. Years ago I was told, possibly in Girl Scouts, that the best way to have a friend is to BE one.

[Anonymous]

The DC area was like this for me, too. I still had preschool/toddler kids when we moved there, but it didn't matter. SAHMs had already formed their groups, and the 2-working-parent families didn't care about making friends. We were there 2 years and didn't even know most of our neighbors. This was in a neighborhood that is supposedly very kid friendly.

Eventually we did make friends through our kids. We'd schedule playdates with school friends, and at that age you have to hang out with the parents, too. So we got to know a lot of people that way. But it wasn't until over a year of living there that I had a handful of people I'd consider friends.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Walk to school. Do an activity with other friends. Host a party or larger playdate. Do smaller one on one playdates with kids your kids really get along well with.

OP. I'm doing all this, but many people are too busy to join activities, playdates, or parties. The only people who RSVP yes are socially awkward or boring. I feel like I'm doomed to hang out with people I don't actually like because all the interesting people's dance cards are full.

What exactly do you do that makes you so interesting and sophisticated and therefore a higher quality social connection?

I know that "socially awkward" and "boring" are codes for stay-at-home moms, people poorer than you, people whose kids go to less prestigious schools than your children, people with fewer degrees from less prestigious schools than wherever you and your spouse went to (let me guess, Harvard), out of shape moms who've given up on fitness, people whose jobs are not particularly high status even if paid well, foreign-born parents who don't speak the language well enough to make witty banter, etc.

I always marvel at people who approach friendship with this transactional attitude and always measure potential friends against a status bar. Like you must be this tall to ride on my friendship ride. Do you think this attitude makes you a good potential friend to anyone? What if you stopped measuring and just started talking to people without any expectation that it will develop into a friendship or a useful social contact?

+1. Seriously, OP, I hope you read this, it’s the most insightful explanation of your problem.

OP. This is pretty off-base. I am foreign born and not particularly wealthy or in shape. My friends whom I met through baby groups were mostly SAHMs, nearly all foreign-born (from different countries), and went to colleges I hadn't heard of. I specifically chose a lower-ranked school district here after trying and really disliking a top rated school. I very much want to stay away from status-chasing and transactional friendships.

My friends in my past life were smart and interesting, which has nothing to do with being the "cool moms" - we were anything but that. What I really enjoyed was having deeper conversations about social issues, things going on in the world, our own lives and life choices, and hearing insightful comments and thoughts. That's what really filled my cup. Obviously we talked about basic topics as well - kids, trips, etc - but it was a mix of the more small talk topics and the deeper ones. I've met people like that here, and had the most interesting conversations - but those are the people who are overbooked.

The people who are available to hang out are perfectly nice, and of course I'm polite to them and continue spending time with them, but we just don't have much in common. They're not interested in deeper analytical conversation, I can tell they are bored when I bring up the things I'm passionate about.

Okay, I'm the one who asked what makes you so interesting. Your posts reminded me of one of the parents of my DD's fickle friend who is always trying to suss out the status of other parents and pointedly does not talk to anyone with a low-status occupation or education. If you're such a deep thinker yourself, why haven't you thought more deeply about how your snap judgments of people make it difficult for you to make new friends? And those socially awkward people you reject are more likely to be the deep thinkers you'd like to connect with, but if they're aspie, their brains are not wired to make friends so smoothly, so give them a chance (or a break).

People are not going to open up more without first establishing a baseline, which starts from casual and light topics, and then naturally processes to topics of more substance. It sounds like you would benefit from joining a political party or working on a campaign, where you'd meet lots of people who wear their passions and deep thoughts on their sleeves.

DP here. I am an ivy educated SAHM. I used to be a working mom. I have lived in a diverse SES neighborhood as well as a wealthy neighborhood. I have three pretty amazing kids who are well behaved. We have not had problems making friends in either neighborhood. I guess we can be considered high status. We have a high income and prestigious jobs. I would not want to be friends with anyone who wants to be my friend due to status. We have friends from all different backgrounds. We throw great parties. We get invited to a lot of parties. I host play dates. I carpool. I try to help out when I can. We have friends who are private jet people as well as teachers, feds and military. Dh is well respected and liked. My kids have a lot of friends. I’m friendly with everyone.

Is this OP accidentally typing DP? Because if not this whole post is a random non-sequitur about themselves.

I feel like I recognize this person from other boards. Supposedly went to an ivy, but only capable of forming sentences in simple structure. Puzzling, that.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Walk to school. Do an activity with other friends. Host a party or larger playdate. Do smaller one on one playdates with kids your kids really get along well with.

OP. I'm doing all this, but many people are too busy to join activities, playdates, or parties. The only people who RSVP yes are socially awkward or boring. I feel like I'm doomed to hang out with people I don't actually like because all the interesting people's dance cards are full.

What exactly do you do that makes you so interesting and sophisticated and therefore a higher quality social connection?

I know that "socially awkward" and "boring" are codes for stay-at-home moms, people poorer than you, people whose kids go to less prestigious schools than your children, people with fewer degrees from less prestigious schools than wherever you and your spouse went to (let me guess, Harvard), out of shape moms who've given up on fitness, people whose jobs are not particularly high status even if paid well, foreign-born parents who don't speak the language well enough to make witty banter, etc.

I always marvel at people who approach friendship with this transactional attitude and always measure potential friends against a status bar. Like you must be this tall to ride on my friendship ride. Do you think this attitude makes you a good potential friend to anyone? What if you stopped measuring and just started talking to people without any expectation that it will develop into a friendship or a useful social contact?

+1. Seriously, OP, I hope you read this, it’s the most insightful explanation of your problem.

OP. This is pretty off-base. I am foreign born and not particularly wealthy or in shape. My friends whom I met through baby groups were mostly SAHMs, nearly all foreign-born (from different countries), and went to colleges I hadn't heard of. I specifically chose a lower-ranked school district here after trying and really disliking a top rated school. I very much want to stay away from status-chasing and transactional friendships.

My friends in my past life were smart and interesting, which has nothing to do with being the "cool moms" - we were anything but that. What I really enjoyed was having deeper conversations about social issues, things going on in the world, our own lives and life choices, and hearing insightful comments and thoughts. That's what really filled my cup. Obviously we talked about basic topics as well - kids, trips, etc - but it was a mix of the more small talk topics and the deeper ones. I've met people like that here, and had the most interesting conversations - but those are the people who are overbooked.

The people who are available to hang out are perfectly nice, and of course I'm polite to them and continue spending time with them, but we just don't have much in common. They're not interested in deeper analytical conversation, I can tell they are bored when I bring up the things I'm passionate about.

Okay, I'm the one who asked what makes you so interesting. Your posts reminded me of one of the parents of my DD's fickle friend who is always trying to suss out the status of other parents and pointedly does not talk to anyone with a low-status occupation or education. If you're such a deep thinker yourself, why haven't you thought more deeply about how your snap judgments of people make it difficult for you to make new friends? And those socially awkward people you reject are more likely to be the deep thinkers you'd like to connect with, but if they're aspie, their brains are not wired to make friends so smoothly, so give them a chance (or a break).

People are not going to open up more without first establishing a baseline, which starts from casual and light topics, and then naturally processes to topics of more substance. It sounds like you would benefit from joining a political party or working on a campaign, where you'd meet lots of people who wear their passions and deep thoughts on their sleeves.

DP here. I am an ivy educated SAHM. I used to be a working mom. I have lived in a diverse SES neighborhood as well as a wealthy neighborhood. I have three pretty amazing kids who are well behaved. We have not had problems making friends in either neighborhood. I guess we can be considered high status. We have a high income and prestigious jobs. I would not want to be friends with anyone who wants to be my friend due to status. We have friends from all different backgrounds. We throw great parties. We get invited to a lot of parties. I host play dates. I carpool. I try to help out when I can. We have friends who are private jet people as well as teachers, feds and military. Dh is well respected and liked. My kids have a lot of friends. I’m friendly with everyone.

You need a hobby. You always post here

[Anonymous]

We moved three times when I was a kid. I remember my Mom telling me that it takes 2-3 years to really form a group of friends and feel fully settled in a new area. It takes time to meet people and talk and then hang out a bit and then move into a deeper friendship. It is not over night. And you need to be doing things that allows that to happen. For our family, as a kid, part of it was Church. Mass, Sunday School and special events at the Church allowed the kids and parents to meet each other. Bible Study and Church projects helped my Mom click with other parents. It helped that they all had a common starting point. There were relationships that developed in the neighborhood as well but those took longer to form.

As an adult, I found that I got to know people through sports (softball and soccer leagues) and at work. As an adult with a child it was through Scouts. All of my friends that I have made in the neighborhood have come through Scouts. And yes, we have gone apple picking and camping with those families.

The DMV does not seem to be all that different then the other states I lived in, on the East and West Coast. There always seem to be a group of people who grew up in the area and know each other well that is near impossible to hang out with or get to know. They are bonded over their experiences growing up and then their kids. It is worse on the East Coast area where families go back to the 1700’s, and yes I know people who can trace their family back to the Mayflower. Mom said it was worse in the DMV because so many people come for 2-3 years and then move, whether they are in the military or State Department or a temporary assignment to the region. Those families tend to bond together because they have common experiences with moving frequently and in some of the postings but are gone before you can establish strong relationships.

You have to keep putting yourself out there and trying different groups. Lower your initial expectations, strong bonds take time. Appreciate the people that you find initially and see where that goes.

I love my group of socially awkward, transplants to the area. We have a great time together and our kids get along nicely. But it took time.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:We moved three times when I was a kid. I remember my Mom telling me that it takes 2-3 years to really form a group of friends and feel fully settled in a new area. It takes time to meet people and talk and then hang out a bit and then move into a deeper friendship. It is not over night. And you need to be doing things that allows that to happen. For our family, as a kid, part of it was Church. Mass, Sunday School and special events at the Church allowed the kids and parents to meet each other. Bible Study and Church projects helped my Mom click with other parents. It helped that they all had a common starting point. There were relationships that developed in the neighborhood as well but those took longer to form.

As an adult, I found that I got to know people through sports (softball and soccer leagues) and at work. As an adult with a child it was through Scouts. All of my friends that I have made in the neighborhood have come through Scouts. And yes, we have gone apple picking and camping with those families.

The DMV does not seem to be all that different then the other states I lived in, on the East and West Coast. There always seem to be a group of people who grew up in the area and know each other well that is near impossible to hang out with or get to know. They are bonded over their experiences growing up and then their kids. It is worse on the East Coast area where families go back to the 1700’s, and yes I know people who can trace their family back to the Mayflower. Mom said it was worse in the DMV because so many people come for 2-3 years and then move, whether they are in the military or State Department or a temporary assignment to the region. Those families tend to bond together because they have common experiences with moving frequently and in some of the postings but are gone before you can establish strong relationships.

You have to keep putting yourself out there and trying different groups. Lower your initial expectations, strong bonds take time. Appreciate the people that you find initially and see where that goes.

I love my group of socially awkward, transplants to the area. We have a great time together and our kids get along nicely. But it took time.

Momma always told me there be days like this

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Walk to school. Do an activity with other friends. Host a party or larger playdate. Do smaller one on one playdates with kids your kids really get along well with.

OP. I'm doing all this, but many people are too busy to join activities, playdates, or parties. The only people who RSVP yes are socially awkward or boring. I feel like I'm doomed to hang out with people I don't actually like because all the interesting people's dance cards are full.

What exactly do you do that makes you so interesting and sophisticated and therefore a higher quality social connection?

I know that "socially awkward" and "boring" are codes for stay-at-home moms, people poorer than you, people whose kids go to less prestigious schools than your children, people with fewer degrees from less prestigious schools than wherever you and your spouse went to (let me guess, Harvard), out of shape moms who've given up on fitness, people whose jobs are not particularly high status even if paid well, foreign-born parents who don't speak the language well enough to make witty banter, etc.

I always marvel at people who approach friendship with this transactional attitude and always measure potential friends against a status bar. Like you must be this tall to ride on my friendship ride. Do you think this attitude makes you a good potential friend to anyone? What if you stopped measuring and just started talking to people without any expectation that it will develop into a friendship or a useful social contact?

+1. Seriously, OP, I hope you read this, it’s the most insightful explanation of your problem.

OP. This is pretty off-base. I am foreign born and not particularly wealthy or in shape. My friends whom I met through baby groups were mostly SAHMs, nearly all foreign-born (from different countries), and went to colleges I hadn't heard of. I specifically chose a lower-ranked school district here after trying and really disliking a top rated school. I very much want to stay away from status-chasing and transactional friendships.

My friends in my past life were smart and interesting, which has nothing to do with being the "cool moms" - we were anything but that. What I really enjoyed was having deeper conversations about social issues, things going on in the world, our own lives and life choices, and hearing insightful comments and thoughts. That's what really filled my cup. Obviously we talked about basic topics as well - kids, trips, etc - but it was a mix of the more small talk topics and the deeper ones. I've met people like that here, and had the most interesting conversations - but those are the people who are overbooked.

The people who are available to hang out are perfectly nice, and of course I'm polite to them and continue spending time with them, but we just don't have much in common. They're not interested in deeper analytical conversation, I can tell they are bored when I bring up the things I'm passionate about.

Okay, I'm the one who asked what makes you so interesting. Your posts reminded me of one of the parents of my DD's fickle friend who is always trying to suss out the status of other parents and pointedly does not talk to anyone with a low-status occupation or education. If you're such a deep thinker yourself, why haven't you thought more deeply about how your snap judgments of people make it difficult for you to make new friends? And those socially awkward people you reject are more likely to be the deep thinkers you'd like to connect with, but if they're aspie, their brains are not wired to make friends so smoothly, so give them a chance (or a break).

People are not going to open up more without first establishing a baseline, which starts from casual and light topics, and then naturally processes to topics of more substance. It sounds like you would benefit from joining a political party or working on a campaign, where you'd meet lots of people who wear their passions and deep thoughts on their sleeves.

DP here. I am an ivy educated SAHM. I used to be a working mom. I have lived in a diverse SES neighborhood as well as a wealthy neighborhood. I have three pretty amazing kids who are well behaved. We have not had problems making friends in either neighborhood. I guess we can be considered high status. We have a high income and prestigious jobs. I would not want to be friends with anyone who wants to be my friend due to status. We have friends from all different backgrounds. We throw great parties. We get invited to a lot of parties. I host play dates. I carpool. I try to help out when I can. We have friends who are private jet people as well as teachers, feds and military. Dh is well respected and liked. My kids have a lot of friends. I’m friendly with everyone.

That's nice dear, but what does that have to do with anything? Maybe you should write "Memoir of the DP from Page 5."

My point was that if you are friendly and not status driven, it may be easier to make friends. I have always made friends easily. I got multiple invites today to make plans for just myself, my kids and families. Other families like to travel with us. We are fun. We are easy. I think every member of our family is likable so people like to hang out with us as a family. We also don’t give off a competitive or striver attitude because that isn’t our style. The most successful people we know seem to like that most about us. We don’t try hard.

I host a lot, OP. I used to feel like I was the only one hosting when kids were younger. People often didn’t reciprocate but they always accepted our invitations. This started back wheb my kids were toddlers and in preschool. I used to host Halloween parties, holiday parties, Friendsgiving, Valentine’s Day. Now I host a lot less and all those people I hosted for all those years now invite me out to their parties or just to have dinner and go out. I connected with some other moms at elementary recently. Im a room parent and planned the class kindergarten party. The other mom invited us over and now I’m having them over to our house. Friendships should feel natural and not forced.

And yet your posts are all kids of try hard with cheese on top.

+1 NP

[Anonymous]

Can you find a book club or political group that meets in the evening, after the kids are in bed? There are a lot of reasons why it's hard to get deeper conversation while doing outings with kids--the parents are distracted by their kids, they don't feel comfortable with you yet, they need to stay focused on their kids because their kids are non-neurotypical and can't self-regulate or play independently as well as yours. I think you are better off seeking it out on a solo adult outing.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Walk to school. Do an activity with other friends. Host a party or larger playdate. Do smaller one on one playdates with kids your kids really get along well with.

OP. I'm doing all this, but many people are too busy to join activities, playdates, or parties. The only people who RSVP yes are socially awkward or boring. I feel like I'm doomed to hang out with people I don't actually like because all the interesting people's dance cards are full.

What exactly do you do that makes you so interesting and sophisticated and therefore a higher quality social connection?

I know that "socially awkward" and "boring" are codes for stay-at-home moms, people poorer than you, people whose kids go to less prestigious schools than your children, people with fewer degrees from less prestigious schools than wherever you and your spouse went to (let me guess, Harvard), out of shape moms who've given up on fitness, people whose jobs are not particularly high status even if paid well, foreign-born parents who don't speak the language well enough to make witty banter, etc.

I always marvel at people who approach friendship with this transactional attitude and always measure potential friends against a status bar. Like you must be this tall to ride on my friendship ride. Do you think this attitude makes you a good potential friend to anyone? What if you stopped measuring and just started talking to people without any expectation that it will develop into a friendship or a useful social contact?

+1. Seriously, OP, I hope you read this, it’s the most insightful explanation of your problem.

OP. This is pretty off-base. I am foreign born and not particularly wealthy or in shape. My friends whom I met through baby groups were mostly SAHMs, nearly all foreign-born (from different countries), and went to colleges I hadn't heard of. I specifically chose a lower-ranked school district here after trying and really disliking a top rated school. I very much want to stay away from status-chasing and transactional friendships.

My friends in my past life were smart and interesting, which has nothing to do with being the "cool moms" - we were anything but that. What I really enjoyed was having deeper conversations about social issues, things going on in the world, our own lives and life choices, and hearing insightful comments and thoughts. That's what really filled my cup. Obviously we talked about basic topics as well - kids, trips, etc - but it was a mix of the more small talk topics and the deeper ones. I've met people like that here, and had the most interesting conversations - but those are the people who are overbooked.

The people who are available to hang out are perfectly nice, and of course I'm polite to them and continue spending time with them, but we just don't have much in common. They're not interested in deeper analytical conversation, I can tell they are bored when I bring up the things I'm passionate about.

Okay, I'm the one who asked what makes you so interesting. Your posts reminded me of one of the parents of my DD's fickle friend who is always trying to suss out the status of other parents and pointedly does not talk to anyone with a low-status occupation or education. If you're such a deep thinker yourself, why haven't you thought more deeply about how your snap judgments of people make it difficult for you to make new friends? And those socially awkward people you reject are more likely to be the deep thinkers you'd like to connect with, but if they're aspie, their brains are not wired to make friends so smoothly, so give them a chance (or a break).

People are not going to open up more without first establishing a baseline, which starts from casual and light topics, and then naturally processes to topics of more substance. It sounds like you would benefit from joining a political party or working on a campaign, where you'd meet lots of people who wear their passions and deep thoughts on their sleeves.

DP here. I am an ivy educated SAHM. I used to be a working mom. I have lived in a diverse SES neighborhood as well as a wealthy neighborhood. I have three pretty amazing kids who are well behaved. We have not had problems making friends in either neighborhood. I guess we can be considered high status. We have a high income and prestigious jobs. I would not want to be friends with anyone who wants to be my friend due to status. We have friends from all different backgrounds. We throw great parties. We get invited to a lot of parties. I host play dates. I carpool. I try to help out when I can. We have friends who are private jet people as well as teachers, feds and military. Dh is well respected and liked. My kids have a lot of friends. I’m friendly with everyone.

What's your point? This post isn't about you. Of course everyone wants to be your friend.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Walk to school. Do an activity with other friends. Host a party or larger playdate. Do smaller one on one playdates with kids your kids really get along well with.

OP. I'm doing all this, but many people are too busy to join activities, playdates, or parties. The only people who RSVP yes are socially awkward or boring. I feel like I'm doomed to hang out with people I don't actually like because all the interesting people's dance cards are full.

What exactly do you do that makes you so interesting and sophisticated and therefore a higher quality social connection?

I know that "socially awkward" and "boring" are codes for stay-at-home moms, people poorer than you, people whose kids go to less prestigious schools than your children, people with fewer degrees from less prestigious schools than wherever you and your spouse went to (let me guess, Harvard), out of shape moms who've given up on fitness, people whose jobs are not particularly high status even if paid well, foreign-born parents who don't speak the language well enough to make witty banter, etc.

I always marvel at people who approach friendship with this transactional attitude and always measure potential friends against a status bar. Like you must be this tall to ride on my friendship ride. Do you think this attitude makes you a good potential friend to anyone? What if you stopped measuring and just started talking to people without any expectation that it will develop into a friendship or a useful social contact?

+1. Seriously, OP, I hope you read this, it’s the most insightful explanation of your problem.

OP. This is pretty off-base. I am foreign born and not particularly wealthy or in shape. My friends whom I met through baby groups were mostly SAHMs, nearly all foreign-born (from different countries), and went to colleges I hadn't heard of. I specifically chose a lower-ranked school district here after trying and really disliking a top rated school. I very much want to stay away from status-chasing and transactional friendships.

My friends in my past life were smart and interesting, which has nothing to do with being the "cool moms" - we were anything but that. What I really enjoyed was having deeper conversations about social issues, things going on in the world, our own lives and life choices, and hearing insightful comments and thoughts. That's what really filled my cup. Obviously we talked about basic topics as well - kids, trips, etc - but it was a mix of the more small talk topics and the deeper ones. I've met people like that here, and had the most interesting conversations - but those are the people who are overbooked.

The people who are available to hang out are perfectly nice, and of course I'm polite to them and continue spending time with them, but we just don't have much in common. They're not interested in deeper analytical conversation, I can tell they are bored when I bring up the things I'm passionate about.

Okay, I'm the one who asked what makes you so interesting. Your posts reminded me of one of the parents of my DD's fickle friend who is always trying to suss out the status of other parents and pointedly does not talk to anyone with a low-status occupation or education. If you're such a deep thinker yourself, why haven't you thought more deeply about how your snap judgments of people make it difficult for you to make new friends? And those socially awkward people you reject are more likely to be the deep thinkers you'd like to connect with, but if they're aspie, their brains are not wired to make friends so smoothly, so give them a chance (or a break).

People are not going to open up more without first establishing a baseline, which starts from casual and light topics, and then naturally processes to topics of more substance. It sounds like you would benefit from joining a political party or working on a campaign, where you'd meet lots of people who wear their passions and deep thoughts on their sleeves.

DP here. I am an ivy educated SAHM. I used to be a working mom. I have lived in a diverse SES neighborhood as well as a wealthy neighborhood. I have three pretty amazing kids who are well behaved. We have not had problems making friends in either neighborhood. I guess we can be considered high status. We have a high income and prestigious jobs. I would not want to be friends with anyone who wants to be my friend due to status. We have friends from all different backgrounds. We throw great parties. We get invited to a lot of parties. I host play dates. I carpool. I try to help out when I can. We have friends who are private jet people as well as teachers, feds and military. Dh is well respected and liked. My kids have a lot of friends. I’m friendly with everyone.

What's your point? This post isn't about you. Of course everyone wants to be your friend.

This bored woman posts here all the time with the same intro

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Walk to school. Do an activity with other friends. Host a party or larger playdate. Do smaller one on one playdates with kids your kids really get along well with.

OP. I'm doing all this, but many people are too busy to join activities, playdates, or parties. The only people who RSVP yes are socially awkward or boring. I feel like I'm doomed to hang out with people I don't actually like because all the interesting people's dance cards are full.

What exactly do you do that makes you so interesting and sophisticated and therefore a higher quality social connection?

I know that "socially awkward" and "boring" are codes for stay-at-home moms, people poorer than you, people whose kids go to less prestigious schools than your children, people with fewer degrees from less prestigious schools than wherever you and your spouse went to (let me guess, Harvard), out of shape moms who've given up on fitness, people whose jobs are not particularly high status even if paid well, foreign-born parents who don't speak the language well enough to make witty banter, etc.

I always marvel at people who approach friendship with this transactional attitude and always measure potential friends against a status bar. Like you must be this tall to ride on my friendship ride. Do you think this attitude makes you a good potential friend to anyone? What if you stopped measuring and just started talking to people without any expectation that it will develop into a friendship or a useful social contact?

+1. Seriously, OP, I hope you read this, it’s the most insightful explanation of your problem.

OP. This is pretty off-base. I am foreign born and not particularly wealthy or in shape. My friends whom I met through baby groups were mostly SAHMs, nearly all foreign-born (from different countries), and went to colleges I hadn't heard of. I specifically chose a lower-ranked school district here after trying and really disliking a top rated school. I very much want to stay away from status-chasing and transactional friendships.

My friends in my past life were smart and interesting, which has nothing to do with being the "cool moms" - we were anything but that. What I really enjoyed was having deeper conversations about social issues, things going on in the world, our own lives and life choices, and hearing insightful comments and thoughts. That's what really filled my cup. Obviously we talked about basic topics as well - kids, trips, etc - but it was a mix of the more small talk topics and the deeper ones. I've met people like that here, and had the most interesting conversations - but those are the people who are overbooked.

The people who are available to hang out are perfectly nice, and of course I'm polite to them and continue spending time with them, but we just don't have much in common. They're not interested in deeper analytical conversation, I can tell they are bored when I bring up the things I'm passionate about.

Okay, I'm the one who asked what makes you so interesting. Your posts reminded me of one of the parents of my DD's fickle friend who is always trying to suss out the status of other parents and pointedly does not talk to anyone with a low-status occupation or education. If you're such a deep thinker yourself, why haven't you thought more deeply about how your snap judgments of people make it difficult for you to make new friends? And those socially awkward people you reject are more likely to be the deep thinkers you'd like to connect with, but if they're aspie, their brains are not wired to make friends so smoothly, so give them a chance (or a break).

People are not going to open up more without first establishing a baseline, which starts from casual and light topics, and then naturally processes to topics of more substance. It sounds like you would benefit from joining a political party or working on a campaign, where you'd meet lots of people who wear their passions and deep thoughts on their sleeves.

DP here. I am an ivy educated SAHM. I used to be a working mom. I have lived in a diverse SES neighborhood as well as a wealthy neighborhood. I have three pretty amazing kids who are well behaved. We have not had problems making friends in either neighborhood. I guess we can be considered high status. We have a high income and prestigious jobs. I would not want to be friends with anyone who wants to be my friend due to status. We have friends from all different backgrounds. We throw great parties. We get invited to a lot of parties. I host play dates. I carpool. I try to help out when I can. We have friends who are private jet people as well as teachers, feds and military. Dh is well respected and liked. My kids have a lot of friends. I’m friendly with everyone.

Your college apartment on the outskirts of Yale doesn't count.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:We moved to the DMV recently and would like to make friends with other families. We've met a bunch of people, but everyone I'd like to get to know better seems so busy with work and extracurriculars and their existing friends. They all keep saying "oh, we should get together soon", but whenever I suggest doing something, they have plans. It just feels like all the interesting families are "taken" already, and I'm getting really discouraged.

In our last hometown, I easily made friends through a moms group when I had my first baby. Kindergarten was another natural time when people were looking to meet others. But now I feel like I'm too late. Any advice?

We have lived in the same town since my child is a baby. I would ask what activities people are doing, sign your kids up for them if they are interested. The best family meet ups are generally an organized dinner or something at a family friendly venue you invite the whole team to after a game or class.
We do this a lot and 7-8 families will come. Think of places that are counter restaurants with a playground.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Walk to school. Do an activity with other friends. Host a party or larger playdate. Do smaller one on one playdates with kids your kids really get along well with.

OP. I'm doing all this, but many people are too busy to join activities, playdates, or parties. The only people who RSVP yes are socially awkward or boring. I feel like I'm doomed to hang out with people I don't actually like because all the interesting people's dance cards are full.

Wow, this is really unfriendly of you. People make time for things they actually want to do. Maybe the interesting people aren't saying yes to you because they find you boring. You should try nurturing the relationship of those willing to show up to your invites. Not everyone is graced with the ability to be dazzling and amazing at first.