Everyone's Too Busy to Be Friends

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Walk to school. Do an activity with other friends. Host a party or larger playdate. Do smaller one on one playdates with kids your kids really get along well with.

OP. I'm doing all this, but many people are too busy to join activities, playdates, or parties. The only people who RSVP yes are socially awkward or boring. I feel like I'm doomed to hang out with people I don't actually like because all the interesting people's dance cards are full.

LOL. How do you know you don't seem "awkward or boring" to the people you are trying to hang out with?
Honestly, I would get to know these "awkward or boring" people. It's not high school anymore.

There are still awkward and boring adults. OP could have framed it a bit more kindly. But let's get real not everyone has a great personality.

So then why invite them at all if you are going to shade them behind their back. Clearly OP is a climber and wants to get in with the "cool moms" and not simply just make friends.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Lived in the DMV for a number of years. Our kids were small, then teens. It was very difficult to make friends, period. The entire time. I tried at first, but over time realized that the people are too busy striving -- for lack of a better word. If you do not have something offer them that they want, they move on. That thing might be free babysitting, a professional connection that gets them ahead, a side hustle customer/someone they can get to buy from them, someone with trade skills who could be useful as free work around their house (fix a faulty sink, install a new light fixture), etc.

Sorry to break it to you, but DMV folks don't just create time for other people unless those people serve them in some way. It is a culture that uses people.

+1

Nailed it. The locals keep arms distance from the newcomers. See above - though I put it way too nicely.

OP, have you met anyone outside your neighborhood? Maybe doing an activity that you like? I say this because friend families are great when the kids are younger, but inevitably the kids grow apart, then one side ends up trying to force the kids being friends, which of course, does not work.

Find an activity that you like, and you will find your people.

Many people in this geographic area pride themselves on being "introverts", when in reality, they are just socially awkward/inept. If you are more outgoing, find other people who have that in common with you.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Walk to school. Do an activity with other friends. Host a party or larger playdate. Do smaller one on one playdates with kids your kids really get along well with.

OP. I'm doing all this, but many people are too busy to join activities, playdates, or parties. The only people who RSVP yes are socially awkward or boring. I feel like I'm doomed to hang out with people I don't actually like because all the interesting people's dance cards are full.

What exactly do you do that makes you so interesting and sophisticated and therefore a higher quality social connection?

I know that "socially awkward" and "boring" are codes for stay-at-home moms, people poorer than you, people whose kids go to less prestigious schools than your children, people with fewer degrees from less prestigious schools than wherever you and your spouse went to (let me guess, Harvard), out of shape moms who've given up on fitness, people whose jobs are not particularly high status even if paid well, foreign-born parents who don't speak the language well enough to make witty banter, etc.

I always marvel at people who approach friendship with this transactional attitude and always measure potential friends against a status bar. Like you must be this tall to ride on my friendship ride. Do you think this attitude makes you a good potential friend to anyone? What if you stopped measuring and just started talking to people without any expectation that it will develop into a friendship or a useful social contact?

+1. Seriously, OP, I hope you read this, it’s the most insightful explanation of your problem.

OP. This is pretty off-base. I am foreign born and not particularly wealthy or in shape. My friends whom I met through baby groups were mostly SAHMs, nearly all foreign-born (from different countries), and went to colleges I hadn't heard of. I specifically chose a lower-ranked school district here after trying and really disliking a top rated school. I very much want to stay away from status-chasing and transactional friendships.

My friends in my past life were smart and interesting, which has nothing to do with being the "cool moms" - we were anything but that. What I really enjoyed was having deeper conversations about social issues, things going on in the world, our own lives and life choices, and hearing insightful comments and thoughts. That's what really filled my cup. Obviously we talked about basic topics as well - kids, trips, etc - but it was a mix of the more small talk topics and the deeper ones. I've met people like that here, and had the most interesting conversations - but those are the people who are overbooked.

The people who are available to hang out are perfectly nice, and of course I'm polite to them and continue spending time with them, but we just don't have much in common. They're not interested in deeper analytical conversation, I can tell they are bored when I bring up the things I'm passionate about.

The thing is, it takes time, and you can't force it. My kids are teens, and even now, every once in a while, I'll meet a new friend through a sports team, someone I TRULY hit it off with, and can go beyond small talk. I met my closest friends when my oldest was little, but I LOVE that my circle is still growing, though slowly. Just be nice and take your time.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Walk to school. Do an activity with other friends. Host a party or larger playdate. Do smaller one on one playdates with kids your kids really get along well with.

OP. I'm doing all this, but many people are too busy to join activities, playdates, or parties. The only people who RSVP yes are socially awkward or boring. I feel like I'm doomed to hang out with people I don't actually like because all the interesting people's dance cards are full.

What exactly do you do that makes you so interesting and sophisticated and therefore a higher quality social connection?

I know that "socially awkward" and "boring" are codes for stay-at-home moms, people poorer than you, people whose kids go to less prestigious schools than your children, people with fewer degrees from less prestigious schools than wherever you and your spouse went to (let me guess, Harvard), out of shape moms who've given up on fitness, people whose jobs are not particularly high status even if paid well, foreign-born parents who don't speak the language well enough to make witty banter, etc.

I always marvel at people who approach friendship with this transactional attitude and always measure potential friends against a status bar. Like you must be this tall to ride on my friendship ride. Do you think this attitude makes you a good potential friend to anyone? What if you stopped measuring and just started talking to people without any expectation that it will develop into a friendship or a useful social contact?

+1. Seriously, OP, I hope you read this, it’s the most insightful explanation of your problem.

OP. This is pretty off-base. I am foreign born and not particularly wealthy or in shape. My friends whom I met through baby groups were mostly SAHMs, nearly all foreign-born (from different countries), and went to colleges I hadn't heard of. I specifically chose a lower-ranked school district here after trying and really disliking a top rated school. I very much want to stay away from status-chasing and transactional friendships.

My friends in my past life were smart and interesting, which has nothing to do with being the "cool moms" - we were anything but that. What I really enjoyed was having deeper conversations about social issues, things going on in the world, our own lives and life choices, and hearing insightful comments and thoughts. That's what really filled my cup. Obviously we talked about basic topics as well - kids, trips, etc - but it was a mix of the more small talk topics and the deeper ones. I've met people like that here, and had the most interesting conversations - but those are the people who are overbooked.

The people who are available to hang out are perfectly nice, and of course I'm polite to them and continue spending time with them, but we just don't have much in common. They're not interested in deeper analytical conversation, I can tell they are bored when I bring up the things I'm passionate about.

The thing is, it takes time, and you can't force it. My kids are teens, and even now, every once in a while, I'll meet a new friend through a sports team, someone I TRULY hit it off with, and can go beyond small talk. I met my closest friends when my oldest was little, but I LOVE that my circle is still growing, though slowly. Just be nice and take your time.

DP. Thank you for sharing this, I needed to see it. I made some close friends when my oldest was very young. My kids are tweens now and I haven’t really found that kind of connection with others. It’s reassuring to hear about your experience slowly expanding your circle over time.

[Anonymous]

I agree that it takes time and you never know who's going to become your friend. And I think it's harder when kids become more independent and you don't have as many chances to sit on the playground gabbing and covertly auditioning friends. But there's more than one parent/neighbor who I never would have thought of being friends with and, after a year or so of running into each other, will totally spill troubles with if we're walking the kids home from school together. Another parent I hadn't thought of becoming friends with was so kind and helpful when I told her about a struggle with my child. So you just never know. I do think that if you go into it with the attitude that some people are inherently interesting and some are not, it will not make you happy. I think it's sort of a "take each situation as it comes" kind of thing.

Good luck. I've been there, too.

[Anonymous]

This is why I work. It’s not like I’m going to have friends and an active social life. May as well work and earn money.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Walk to school. Do an activity with other friends. Host a party or larger playdate. Do smaller one on one playdates with kids your kids really get along well with.

OP. I'm doing all this, but many people are too busy to join activities, playdates, or parties. The only people who RSVP yes are socially awkward or boring. I feel like I'm doomed to hang out with people I don't actually like because all the interesting people's dance cards are full.

You lost me at "the only people who RSVP are socially awkward or boring." I mean you are the one looking for friends, and maybe so are they? I am confused here. Your issue seems to be more of a "wrong people RSVP" rather than "no people RSVP."

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Walk to school. Do an activity with other friends. Host a party or larger playdate. Do smaller one on one playdates with kids your kids really get along well with.

OP. I'm doing all this, but many people are too busy to join activities, playdates, or parties. The only people who RSVP yes are socially awkward or boring. I feel like I'm doomed to hang out with people I don't actually like because all the interesting people's dance cards are full.

You lost me at "the only people who RSVP are socially awkward or boring." I mean you are the one looking for friends, and maybe so are they? I am confused here. Your issue seems to be more of a "wrong people RSVP" rather than "no people RSVP."

OP sounds insufferable. Describing people as “socially awkward or boring.” No wonder she doesn’t have any fun plans!

[Anonymous]

She is disgusting

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Walk to school. Do an activity with other friends. Host a party or larger playdate. Do smaller one on one playdates with kids your kids really get along well with.

OP. I'm doing all this, but many people are too busy to join activities, playdates, or parties. The only people who RSVP yes are socially awkward or boring. I feel like I'm doomed to hang out with people I don't actually like because all the interesting people's dance cards are full.

You lost me at "the only people who RSVP are socially awkward or boring." I mean you are the one looking for friends, and maybe so are they? I am confused here. Your issue seems to be more of a "wrong people RSVP" rather than "no people RSVP."

+1 I was sympathetic when I thought it was the latter. The former is gross.

[Anonymous]

Yeah, I'm one of the "socially awkward" people. If we are the only ones who respond, it means you are one of us OP.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Walk to school. Do an activity with other friends. Host a party or larger playdate. Do smaller one on one playdates with kids your kids really get along well with.

OP. I'm doing all this, but many people are too busy to join activities, playdates, or parties. The only people who RSVP yes are socially awkward or boring. I feel like I'm doomed to hang out with people I don't actually like because all the interesting people's dance cards are full.

You lost me at "the only people who RSVP are socially awkward or boring." I mean you are the one looking for friends, and maybe so are they? I am confused here. Your issue seems to be more of a "wrong people RSVP" rather than "no people RSVP."

OP sounds insufferable. Describing people as “socially awkward or boring.” No wonder she doesn’t have any fun plans!

DCUM says everyone is insufferable.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Yeah, I'm one of the "socially awkward" people. If we are the only ones who respond, it means you are one of us OP.

That's the truth.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Walk to school. Do an activity with other friends. Host a party or larger playdate. Do smaller one on one playdates with kids your kids really get along well with.

OP. I'm doing all this, but many people are too busy to join activities, playdates, or parties. The only people who RSVP yes are socially awkward or boring. I feel like I'm doomed to hang out with people I don't actually like because all the interesting people's dance cards are full.

What exactly do you do that makes you so interesting and sophisticated and therefore a higher quality social connection?

I know that "socially awkward" and "boring" are codes for stay-at-home moms, people poorer than you, people whose kids go to less prestigious schools than your children, people with fewer degrees from less prestigious schools than wherever you and your spouse went to (let me guess, Harvard), out of shape moms who've given up on fitness, people whose jobs are not particularly high status even if paid well, foreign-born parents who don't speak the language well enough to make witty banter, etc.

I always marvel at people who approach friendship with this transactional attitude and always measure potential friends against a status bar. Like you must be this tall to ride on my friendship ride. Do you think this attitude makes you a good potential friend to anyone? What if you stopped measuring and just started talking to people without any expectation that it will develop into a friendship or a useful social contact?

+1. Seriously, OP, I hope you read this, it’s the most insightful explanation of your problem.

OP. This is pretty off-base. I am foreign born and not particularly wealthy or in shape. My friends whom I met through baby groups were mostly SAHMs, nearly all foreign-born (from different countries), and went to colleges I hadn't heard of. I specifically chose a lower-ranked school district here after trying and really disliking a top rated school. I very much want to stay away from status-chasing and transactional friendships.

My friends in my past life were smart and interesting, which has nothing to do with being the "cool moms" - we were anything but that. What I really enjoyed was having deeper conversations about social issues, things going on in the world, our own lives and life choices, and hearing insightful comments and thoughts. That's what really filled my cup. Obviously we talked about basic topics as well - kids, trips, etc - but it was a mix of the more small talk topics and the deeper ones. I've met people like that here, and had the most interesting conversations - but those are the people who are overbooked.

The people who are available to hang out are perfectly nice, and of course I'm polite to them and continue spending time with them, but we just don't have much in common. They're not interested in deeper analytical conversation, I can tell they are bored when I bring up the things I'm passionate about.

Okay, I'm the one who asked what makes you so interesting. Your posts reminded me of one of the parents of my DD's fickle friend who is always trying to suss out the status of other parents and pointedly does not talk to anyone with a low-status occupation or education. If you're such a deep thinker yourself, why haven't you thought more deeply about how your snap judgments of people make it difficult for you to make new friends? And those socially awkward people you reject are more likely to be the deep thinkers you'd like to connect with, but if they're aspie, their brains are not wired to make friends so smoothly, so give them a chance (or a break).

People are not going to open up more without first establishing a baseline, which starts from casual and light topics, and then naturally processes to topics of more substance. It sounds like you would benefit from joining a political party or working on a campaign, where you'd meet lots of people who wear their passions and deep thoughts on their sleeves.

DP here. I am an ivy educated SAHM. I used to be a working mom. I have lived in a diverse SES neighborhood as well as a wealthy neighborhood. I have three pretty amazing kids who are well behaved. We have not had problems making friends in either neighborhood. I guess we can be considered high status. We have a high income and prestigious jobs. I would not want to be friends with anyone who wants to be my friend due to status. We have friends from all different backgrounds. We throw great parties. We get invited to a lot of parties. I host play dates. I carpool. I try to help out when I can. We have friends who are private jet people as well as teachers, feds and military. Dh is well respected and liked. My kids have a lot of friends. I’m friendly with everyone.

Correction. You don’t have a high income or a prestigious job since you are a SAHM. That’s your husband. There’s nothing wrong with that. I’m a teacher in your neighborhood and similar, since it’s my husband who makes the money. You sound pretentious.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Walk to school. Do an activity with other friends. Host a party or larger playdate. Do smaller one on one playdates with kids your kids really get along well with.

OP. I'm doing all this, but many people are too busy to join activities, playdates, or parties. The only people who RSVP yes are socially awkward or boring. I feel like I'm doomed to hang out with people I don't actually like because all the interesting people's dance cards are full.

What exactly do you do that makes you so interesting and sophisticated and therefore a higher quality social connection?

I know that "socially awkward" and "boring" are codes for stay-at-home moms, people poorer than you, people whose kids go to less prestigious schools than your children, people with fewer degrees from less prestigious schools than wherever you and your spouse went to (let me guess, Harvard), out of shape moms who've given up on fitness, people whose jobs are not particularly high status even if paid well, foreign-born parents who don't speak the language well enough to make witty banter, etc.

I always marvel at people who approach friendship with this transactional attitude and always measure potential friends against a status bar. Like you must be this tall to ride on my friendship ride. Do you think this attitude makes you a good potential friend to anyone? What if you stopped measuring and just started talking to people without any expectation that it will develop into a friendship or a useful social contact?

+1. Seriously, OP, I hope you read this, it’s the most insightful explanation of your problem.

OP. This is pretty off-base. I am foreign born and not particularly wealthy or in shape. My friends whom I met through baby groups were mostly SAHMs, nearly all foreign-born (from different countries), and went to colleges I hadn't heard of. I specifically chose a lower-ranked school district here after trying and really disliking a top rated school. I very much want to stay away from status-chasing and transactional friendships.

My friends in my past life were smart and interesting, which has nothing to do with being the "cool moms" - we were anything but that. What I really enjoyed was having deeper conversations about social issues, things going on in the world, our own lives and life choices, and hearing insightful comments and thoughts. That's what really filled my cup. Obviously we talked about basic topics as well - kids, trips, etc - but it was a mix of the more small talk topics and the deeper ones. I've met people like that here, and had the most interesting conversations - but those are the people who are overbooked.

The people who are available to hang out are perfectly nice, and of course I'm polite to them and continue spending time with them, but we just don't have much in common. They're not interested in deeper analytical conversation, I can tell they are bored when I bring up the things I'm passionate about.

Okay, I'm the one who asked what makes you so interesting. Your posts reminded me of one of the parents of my DD's fickle friend who is always trying to suss out the status of other parents and pointedly does not talk to anyone with a low-status occupation or education. If you're such a deep thinker yourself, why haven't you thought more deeply about how your snap judgments of people make it difficult for you to make new friends? And those socially awkward people you reject are more likely to be the deep thinkers you'd like to connect with, but if they're aspie, their brains are not wired to make friends so smoothly, so give them a chance (or a break).

People are not going to open up more without first establishing a baseline, which starts from casual and light topics, and then naturally processes to topics of more substance. It sounds like you would benefit from joining a political party or working on a campaign, where you'd meet lots of people who wear their passions and deep thoughts on their sleeves.

DP here. I am an ivy educated SAHM. I used to be a working mom. I have lived in a diverse SES neighborhood as well as a wealthy neighborhood. I have three pretty amazing kids who are well behaved. We have not had problems making friends in either neighborhood. I guess we can be considered high status. We have a high income and prestigious jobs. I would not want to be friends with anyone who wants to be my friend due to status. We have friends from all different backgrounds. We throw great parties. We get invited to a lot of parties. I host play dates. I carpool. I try to help out when I can. We have friends who are private jet people as well as teachers, feds and military. Dh is well respected and liked. My kids have a lot of friends. I’m friendly with everyone.

Correction. You don’t have a high income or a prestigious job since you are a SAHM. That’s your husband. There’s nothing wrong with that. I’m a teacher in your neighborhood and similar, since it’s my husband who makes the money. You sound pretentious.

I think it's a troll of some sort. The non-sequiter Harvard SAHM that everybody loves feels vaguely familiar from other threads. I too have a degree in Sahmology from Harvard. They have a top notch Sahmology program with lots of opportunities for hands on learning.