Dating for 4 months and he said "not ready" for relationship- I walked away, now what?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You want what you want. Good for you for sticking to it. I don't think that 4 months is a long time, but it really depends on what has been happening for that four months. I would be interested in what a committed relationship means to him and what about it he feels unready for. I would do a lot of listening. The point is for you to get information to process, not convince him or explain yourself.

OP: Yes that makes sense. I'll go into it listening with an open mind. For the past 4 months we've been going out 2-3x/week. We spend the night at each other's places. He's met my friends.

That sounds like a relationship to me What are you asking him for that he is not into? As someone who divorced in my 40s there are so many possibilities
-he is being responsible about moving slow
-he's not that into you
-he is into you but also wants to see other people
-you are overly focused on BEING IN A RELATIONSHIP
-you know what you want and he is showing that he can't give you want you want

OP: he hasn't introduced me to his friends. He never texts, only calls me (and I've asked him to). He never plans anything in the future- only a few nights out.

Yeah, those aren't good signs. Whether he has no friends, is a bad planner, or isn't that into you, none of that makes for a good longterm relationship. If you go through with the meet up, I would definitely discuss these specifics of what you are looking for. What do your friends think of him? After an awful breakup, my aunt started telling men that she would only go out on a 2nd date if they brought a female friend to vouch for them.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You want what you want. Good for you for sticking to it. I don't think that 4 months is a long time, but it really depends on what has been happening for that four months. I would be interested in what a committed relationship means to him and what about it he feels unready for. I would do a lot of listening. The point is for you to get information to process, not convince him or explain yourself.

OP: Yes that makes sense. I'll go into it listening with an open mind. For the past 4 months we've been going out 2-3x/week. We spend the night at each other's places. He's met my friends.

So, you're exclusive, you spend a lot of time together, but you want to take vacations together? Did you even ask him about holiday plans? Are you just expecting him to say something? What's stopping you from suggesting a weekend trip together?

I'm not understanding what's not "committed" about your relationship. It seems like angst about labels, to me.

+1. The only material difference between b/f and g/f and casually dating is the exclusive angle and you said you are exclusive and he readily agreed to it. I don't think I would plan a trip that required a flight with someone I was only dating for four months but I would be open to going away for a weekend to a place we could drive too.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I think you've already made a stain on this relationship. If I were him, I'd move on. I'm 39 years old and divorced. I don't commit after 4 months. I got out of an abusive marriage and realized I was dating the wrong people my whole life. I take things slow. Last year, I met someone recently divorced, but wanted an exclusive relationship right off the bat. I said that I wasn't willing to commit that quickly. That it's not a smart idea.

Four months is still brand new. At that stage, I would walk away from anyone who pressured me to commit. Even if we decided to stay together after the stunt you pulled, I'd date around until I found a better partner. You put out such a huge red flag. That you're unwilling to compromise and talk out major differences -- especially when it sounds like he would have come around quickly anyway. You're not great long term material for me.

4 months is brand new? I was exclusive with my DH after a month.

Honestly if someone is this hesitant to commit, they have baggage and I would walk. You’re the red flag. If after four months you have no clue about whether this is the person for you there are likely insurmountable trust issues, or you’re just not that into the person. Simple as that.

Exclusive doesn’t mean marry. It means give the relationship a chance to deepen via holding space for a lasting commitment. You can’t do that if you’re holding back and dating around.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I think you've already made a stain on this relationship. If I were him, I'd move on. I'm 39 years old and divorced. I don't commit after 4 months. I got out of an abusive marriage and realized I was dating the wrong people my whole life. I take things slow. Last year, I met someone recently divorced, but wanted an exclusive relationship right off the bat. I said that I wasn't willing to commit that quickly. That it's not a smart idea.

Four months is still brand new. At that stage, I would walk away from anyone who pressured me to commit. Even if we decided to stay together after the stunt you pulled, I'd date around until I found a better partner. You put out such a huge red flag. That you're unwilling to compromise and talk out major differences -- especially when it sounds like he would have come around quickly anyway. You're not great long term material for me.

Op, this is exactly the kinda guy you don’t want to date, so you can ignore this take.

[Anonymous]

Hmmm, at first I thought you were being ridiculous. But with your follow up, are you sure he isn’t married? The refusal to text, not meeting friends and not planning ahead at all seems extreme to me. I mean, maybe it is just too early, but I wouldn’t be comfortable with this either given you are not 21 years old.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Were you exclusive? What do you mean by committed - eventual marriage? Hear him out as you may be on the same page. Four months really isn't that long.

This. 4 months isn’t that long. Chill.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You want what you want. Good for you for sticking to it. I don't think that 4 months is a long time, but it really depends on what has been happening for that four months. I would be interested in what a committed relationship means to him and what about it he feels unready for. I would do a lot of listening. The point is for you to get information to process, not convince him or explain yourself.

OP: Yes that makes sense. I'll go into it listening with an open mind. For the past 4 months we've been going out 2-3x/week. We spend the night at each other's places. He's met my friends.

That sounds like a relationship to me What are you asking him for that he is not into? As someone who divorced in my 40s there are so many possibilities
-he is being responsible about moving slow
-he's not that into you
-he is into you but also wants to see other people
-you are overly focused on BEING IN A RELATIONSHIP
-you know what you want and he is showing that he can't give you want you want

OP: he hasn't introduced me to his friends. He never texts, only calls me (and I've asked him to). He never plans anything in the future- only a few nights out.

I don't really understand the issue, exactly. You were exclusive, saw each other several times a week. Some people don't like texting--I'd be more concerned if he only texted and refused to call. Ask him why he doesn't like to text--did you?

How far into the future are you trying to plan, or do you expect him to? Have you tried to plan things like a ski weekend over President's Day and he won't, or are you expecting him to do it spontaneously? Have you asked to meet his friends, or organized a HH or anything? None of these things seem like a good reason to break up without at least addressing them first.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I think you've already made a stain on this relationship. If I were him, I'd move on. I'm 39 years old and divorced. I don't commit after 4 months. I got out of an abusive marriage and realized I was dating the wrong people my whole life. I take things slow. Last year, I met someone recently divorced, but wanted an exclusive relationship right off the bat. I said that I wasn't willing to commit that quickly. That it's not a smart idea.

Four months is still brand new. At that stage, I would walk away from anyone who pressured me to commit. Even if we decided to stay together after the stunt you pulled, I'd date around until I found a better partner. You put out such a huge red flag. That you're unwilling to compromise and talk out major differences -- especially when it sounds like he would have come around quickly anyway. You're not great long term material for me.

Op, this is exactly the kinda guy you don’t want to date, so you can ignore this take.

+1. Just as men don't owe it to women to commit faster than they want, women don't owe it to men to wait around.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I think you've already made a stain on this relationship. If I were him, I'd move on. I'm 39 years old and divorced. I don't commit after 4 months. I got out of an abusive marriage and realized I was dating the wrong people my whole life. I take things slow. Last year, I met someone recently divorced, but wanted an exclusive relationship right off the bat. I said that I wasn't willing to commit that quickly. That it's not a smart idea.

Four months is still brand new. At that stage, I would walk away from anyone who pressured me to commit. Even if we decided to stay together after the stunt you pulled, I'd date around until I found a better partner. You put out such a huge red flag. That you're unwilling to compromise and talk out major differences -- especially when it sounds like he would have come around quickly anyway. You're not great long term material for me.

4 months is brand new? I was exclusive with my DH after a month.

Honestly if someone is this hesitant to commit, they have baggage and I would walk. You’re the red flag. If after four months you have no clue about whether this is the person for you there are likely insurmountable trust issues, or you’re just not that into the person. Simple as that.

Exclusive doesn’t mean marry. It means give the relationship a chance to deepen via holding space for a lasting commitment. You can’t do that if you’re holding back and dating around.

Except OP and this guy were already exclusive. That's not the commitment she's talking about.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You want what you want. Good for you for sticking to it. I don't think that 4 months is a long time, but it really depends on what has been happening for that four months. I would be interested in what a committed relationship means to him and what about it he feels unready for. I would do a lot of listening. The point is for you to get information to process, not convince him or explain yourself.

OP: Yes that makes sense. I'll go into it listening with an open mind. For the past 4 months we've been going out 2-3x/week. We spend the night at each other's places. He's met my friends.

That sounds like a relationship to me What are you asking him for that he is not into? As someone who divorced in my 40s there are so many possibilities
-he is being responsible about moving slow
-he's not that into you
-he is into you but also wants to see other people
-you are overly focused on BEING IN A RELATIONSHIP
-you know what you want and he is showing that he can't give you want you want

OP: he hasn't introduced me to his friends. He never texts, only calls me (and I've asked him to). He never plans anything in the future- only a few nights out.

I don't really understand the issue, exactly. You were exclusive, saw each other several times a week. Some people don't like texting--I'd be more concerned if he only texted and refused to call. Ask him why he doesn't like to text--did you?

How far into the future are you trying to plan, or do you expect him to? Have you tried to plan things like a ski weekend over President's Day and he won't, or are you expecting him to do it spontaneously? Have you asked to meet his friends, or organized a HH or anything? None of these things seem like a good reason to break up without at least addressing them first.

OP: Sorry, that was a typo! He ONLY texts me, never calls. I have to say, "call me tonight" for him to do it. He has never called on his own, which makes me feel like he doesn't care. Also, the texts skew toward sexual pretty often, which is fine (we are both into sex) but I am trying to determine if he is able to go deeper emotionally.

[Anonymous]

Op, I get what you mean about having sex with someone who is treating things casually. Especially since you had to be the one to bring up exclusivity. There’s this attitude in our society that women should view sex causally and sleep with men they are casually dating when they don’t know what they stand, but I think that’s unreasonable for some women. I need to know the guy is really into me, not dating others, not online, and definitely sees a future with me.

I’m not sure what to do in your situation but I just wanted to say that not wanting casual sex is totally fine.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You want what you want. Good for you for sticking to it. I don't think that 4 months is a long time, but it really depends on what has been happening for that four months. I would be interested in what a committed relationship means to him and what about it he feels unready for. I would do a lot of listening. The point is for you to get information to process, not convince him or explain yourself.

OP: Yes that makes sense. I'll go into it listening with an open mind. For the past 4 months we've been going out 2-3x/week. We spend the night at each other's places. He's met my friends.

That sounds like a relationship to me What are you asking him for that he is not into? As someone who divorced in my 40s there are so many possibilities
-he is being responsible about moving slow
-he's not that into you
-he is into you but also wants to see other people
-you are overly focused on BEING IN A RELATIONSHIP
-you know what you want and he is showing that he can't give you want you want

OP: he hasn't introduced me to his friends. He never texts, only calls me (and I've asked him to). He never plans anything in the future- only a few nights out.

I don't really understand the issue, exactly. You were exclusive, saw each other several times a week. Some people don't like texting--I'd be more concerned if he only texted and refused to call. Ask him why he doesn't like to text--did you?

How far into the future are you trying to plan, or do you expect him to? Have you tried to plan things like a ski weekend over President's Day and he won't, or are you expecting him to do it spontaneously? Have you asked to meet his friends, or organized a HH or anything? None of these things seem like a good reason to break up without at least addressing them first.

OP: Sorry, that was a typo! He ONLY texts me, never calls. I have to say, "call me tonight" for him to do it. He has never called on his own, which makes me feel like he doesn't care. Also, the texts skew toward sexual pretty often, which is fine (we are both into sex) but I am trying to determine if he is able to go deeper emotionally.

Oh, sweetie. Do not go any further with this guy. He just wants to play. He's not serious.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Op, I get what you mean about having sex with someone who is treating things casually. Especially since you had to be the one to bring up exclusivity. There’s this attitude in our society that women should view sex causally and sleep with men they are casually dating when they don’t know what they stand, but I think that’s unreasonable for some women. I need to know the guy is really into me, not dating others, not online, and definitely sees a future with me.

I’m not sure what to do in your situation but I just wanted to say that not wanting casual sex is totally fine.

OP: thanks. I agree. He got divorced 6 years ago and has been dating since then, and using apps, so I think he is very used to casual relationships only.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I think you've already made a stain on this relationship. If I were him, I'd move on. I'm 39 years old and divorced. I don't commit after 4 months. I got out of an abusive marriage and realized I was dating the wrong people my whole life. I take things slow. Last year, I met someone recently divorced, but wanted an exclusive relationship right off the bat. I said that I wasn't willing to commit that quickly. That it's not a smart idea.

Four months is still brand new. At that stage, I would walk away from anyone who pressured me to commit. Even if we decided to stay together after the stunt you pulled, I'd date around until I found a better partner. You put out such a huge red flag. That you're unwilling to compromise and talk out major differences -- especially when it sounds like he would have come around quickly anyway. You're not great long term material for me.

Op, this is exactly the kinda guy you don’t want to date, so you can ignore this take.

+1. Just as men don't owe it to women to commit faster than they want, women don't owe it to men to wait around.

I think that the guy OP was dating is well within his rights to want to take things slower than OP wants -- as one poster noted, people would be totally on the side of a woman who said her boyfriend was pushing her for more commitment than she was ready for -- but that might mean that they just aren't compatible. He's not wrong to want to take things more slowly, but it might mean he's not the guy for her.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You want what you want. Good for you for sticking to it. I don't think that 4 months is a long time, but it really depends on what has been happening for that four months. I would be interested in what a committed relationship means to him and what about it he feels unready for. I would do a lot of listening. The point is for you to get information to process, not convince him or explain yourself.

OP: Yes that makes sense. I'll go into it listening with an open mind. For the past 4 months we've been going out 2-3x/week. We spend the night at each other's places. He's met my friends.

That sounds like a relationship to me What are you asking him for that he is not into? As someone who divorced in my 40s there are so many possibilities
-he is being responsible about moving slow
-he's not that into you
-he is into you but also wants to see other people
-you are overly focused on BEING IN A RELATIONSHIP
-you know what you want and he is showing that he can't give you want you want

OP: he hasn't introduced me to his friends. He never texts, only calls me (and I've asked him to). He never plans anything in the future- only a few nights out.

Yeah, those aren't good signs. Whether he has no friends, is a bad planner, or isn't that into you, none of that makes for a good longterm relationship. If you go through with the meet up, I would definitely discuss these specifics of what you are looking for. What do your friends think of him? After an awful breakup, my aunt started telling men that she would only go out on a 2nd date if they brought a female friend to vouch for them.

Wow, that's kinda crazy. I guess it's better to know someone is kinda crazy upfront though.