Dating for 4 months and he said "not ready" for relationship- I walked away, now what?

[Anonymous]

I've been dating a guy for 4 months and it's been amazing. We are both 42 years old and divorced. A few days ago, I told him that I would like to be in a committed relationship, and if he is not ready, that's okay, but I will need to move on because that's important to me. He said I might be a step ahead of him and that it might turn into a relationship if I could give him more time.

I said no and then ended contact. The next day he texted me to say he thought I was being too harsh. I didn't respond. Then yesterday, he asked if I could meet for coffee that afternoon. I said no. He asked if there was some other time and I thought I'd go to hear him out.

We are meeting this afternoon. Obviously I'm going to stick to what I said, but how do you think this is going to go? Any advice?

[Anonymous]

Were you exclusive? What do you mean by committed - eventual marriage? Hear him out as you may be on the same page. Four months really isn't that long.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Were you exclusive? What do you mean by committed - eventual marriage? Hear him out as you may be on the same page. Four months really isn't that long.

OP: We just recently became exclusive. By committed, I just mean acting like boyfriend/girlfriend in a "real" relationship- not just dating. I was clear that I wasn't asking for marriage or anything like that.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I've been dating a guy for 4 months and it's been amazing. We are both 42 years old and divorced. A few days ago, I told him that I would like to be in a committed relationship, and if he is not ready, that's okay, but I will need to move on because that's important to me. He said I might be a step ahead of him and that it might turn into a relationship if I could give him more time.

I said no and then ended contact. The next day he texted me to say he thought I was being too harsh. I didn't respond. Then yesterday, he asked if I could meet for coffee that afternoon. I said no. He asked if there was some other time and I thought I'd go to hear him out.

We are meeting this afternoon. Obviously I'm going to stick to what I said, but how do you think this is going to go? Any advice?

Why such a hard line? The relationship is amazing per your statement. He wants to talk to you. What do you have to lose? Four months is not a lot of time. And...you need to move on to what?

[Anonymous]

I wouldn't cut him loose just yet. Date around, if you find another person, then cut him loose. He might just need more time, and you don't have any flexibility if you cut him off now.

You are both older, so I feel like this is more normal to take your time. Esp if one or either of you is divorced/has kids.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I wouldn't cut him loose just yet. Date around, if you find another person, then cut him loose. He might just need more time, and you don't have any flexibility if you cut him off now.

You are both older, so I feel like this is more normal to take your time. Esp if one or either of you is divorced/has kids.

I will add, if you strong arm him into being in a "relationship" this afternoon at your meeting, are you really going to feel good about that? If he somehow agrees, doesn't it feel a bit icky that he didn't come to that on his own?

[Anonymous]

You want what you want. Good for you for sticking to it. I don't think that 4 months is a long time, but it really depends on what has been happening for that four months. I would be interested in what a committed relationship means to him and what about it he feels unready for. I would do a lot of listening. The point is for you to get information to process, not convince him or explain yourself.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I've been dating a guy for 4 months and it's been amazing. We are both 42 years old and divorced. A few days ago, I told him that I would like to be in a committed relationship, and if he is not ready, that's okay, but I will need to move on because that's important to me. He said I might be a step ahead of him and that it might turn into a relationship if I could give him more time.

I said no and then ended contact. The next day he texted me to say he thought I was being too harsh. I didn't respond. Then yesterday, he asked if I could meet for coffee that afternoon. I said no. He asked if there was some other time and I thought I'd go to hear him out.

We are meeting this afternoon. Obviously I'm going to stick to what I said, but how do you think this is going to go? Any advice?

Why such a hard line? The relationship is amazing per your statement. He wants to talk to you. What do you have to lose? Four months is not a lot of time. And...you need to move on to what?

OP: I want to move on to creating an amazing relationship with someone who wants that too. Right now we are stuck in limbo, and we are having sex and I don't feel emotionally safe in this "situationship". Also, I would like to plan things in the future such as going away together. We both have a week off around the holidays and have discussed it and he's made no indication of doing anything together.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:You want what you want. Good for you for sticking to it. I don't think that 4 months is a long time, but it really depends on what has been happening for that four months. I would be interested in what a committed relationship means to him and what about it he feels unready for. I would do a lot of listening. The point is for you to get information to process, not convince him or explain yourself.

OP: Yes that makes sense. I'll go into it listening with an open mind. For the past 4 months we've been going out 2-3x/week. We spend the night at each other's places. He's met my friends.

[Anonymous]

I would cancel this afternoon. What is the point. You want different things. You told him you would need to move on if he was not ready. Knowing that he said he was not ready. He is still viewing you as a maybe & that things "might" turn into a relationship.

[Anonymous]

I think you are putting way too much pressure on the relationship. It's been four months. Come on. I am a woman (mid-40s).

I hope he moves on to find someone else more normal who can let it develop at its own pace.

[Anonymous]

Since you've made yourself very clear, most likely what he's going to say is he thought about it and would agree to be in a committed relationship. There's no other point to him meeting you.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You want what you want. Good for you for sticking to it. I don't think that 4 months is a long time, but it really depends on what has been happening for that four months. I would be interested in what a committed relationship means to him and what about it he feels unready for. I would do a lot of listening. The point is for you to get information to process, not convince him or explain yourself.

OP: Yes that makes sense. I'll go into it listening with an open mind. For the past 4 months we've been going out 2-3x/week. We spend the night at each other's places. He's met my friends.

WTH do you want then? Sounds like you are already doing what you want and you went ahead and put a pressure cooker on the relationship and blew it up. You're nuts.

[Anonymous]

Keep walking away....he's just not that into you.

[Anonymous]

Do you have kids? Does he?

Do you want kids?

If you go, try to listen more than talk. Make him do most of the talking. You want to know what he really feels. You don’t want him to just parrot what you say.