Dating for 4 months and he said "not ready" for relationship- I walked away, now what?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Do you have kids? Does he?

Do you want kids?

If you go, try to listen more than talk. Make him do most of the talking. You want to know what he really feels. You don’t want him to just parrot what you say.

Oh, and if you don’t know what to say, you can just be contemplative and say, I’m going to need to process and think about what you are saying and maybe get back to you. Then you can either get back to him, or not.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You want what you want. Good for you for sticking to it. I don't think that 4 months is a long time, but it really depends on what has been happening for that four months. I would be interested in what a committed relationship means to him and what about it he feels unready for. I would do a lot of listening. The point is for you to get information to process, not convince him or explain yourself.

OP: Yes that makes sense. I'll go into it listening with an open mind. For the past 4 months we've been going out 2-3x/week. We spend the night at each other's places. He's met my friends.

That sounds like a relationship to me What are you asking him for that he is not into? As someone who divorced in my 40s there are so many possibilities
-he is being responsible about moving slow
-he's not that into you
-he is into you but also wants to see other people
-you are overly focused on BEING IN A RELATIONSHIP
-you know what you want and he is showing that he can't give you want you want

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You want what you want. Good for you for sticking to it. I don't think that 4 months is a long time, but it really depends on what has been happening for that four months. I would be interested in what a committed relationship means to him and what about it he feels unready for. I would do a lot of listening. The point is for you to get information to process, not convince him or explain yourself.

OP: Yes that makes sense. I'll go into it listening with an open mind. For the past 4 months we've been going out 2-3x/week. We spend the night at each other's places. He's met my friends.

So, you're exclusive, you spend a lot of time together, but you want to take vacations together? Did you even ask him about holiday plans? Are you just expecting him to say something? What's stopping you from suggesting a weekend trip together?

I'm not understanding what's not "committed" about your relationship. It seems like angst about labels, to me.

[Anonymous]

Wow, he's tried several times to reach out to you and you continuously shut him down?

That should be a red flag for him. I wouldn't be surprised if he he said he was confused by your definition of "commitment" but understands now, was willing to do it, but your harsh hard-line stubbornness and personal pride and lack of communication/extend an olive branch made him change his mind.

If you react like this to this type of situation, how unreasonable will you be for the larger things in life, other big permanent decisions, and curve balls life throws at you?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Do you have kids? Does he?

Do you want kids?

If you go, try to listen more than talk. Make him do most of the talking. You want to know what he really feels. You don’t want him to just parrot what you say.

OP: I have kids. He does not. He told me he's indifferent about having his own kids; he's more interested in finding the right partner.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Do you have kids? Does he?

Do you want kids?

If you go, try to listen more than talk. Make him do most of the talking. You want to know what he really feels. You don’t want him to just parrot what you say.

OP: I have kids. He does not. He told me he's indifferent about having his own kids; he's more interested in finding the right partner.

Honestly, if I were him, I would be cautious about committing to someone with kids after 4 months, especially if I do not have kids. You need to slow down if you really like him. Sounds like you are more into the role, though, so maybe find someone else who wants to fill it in the way you want them to.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Do you have kids? Does he?

Do you want kids?

If you go, try to listen more than talk. Make him do most of the talking. You want to know what he really feels. You don’t want him to just parrot what you say.

OP: I have kids. He does not. He told me he's indifferent about having his own kids; he's more interested in finding the right partner.

Having kids is a serious reason for you to take things slow.

[Anonymous]

I think you've already made a stain on this relationship. If I were him, I'd move on. I'm 39 years old and divorced. I don't commit after 4 months. I got out of an abusive marriage and realized I was dating the wrong people my whole life. I take things slow. Last year, I met someone recently divorced, but wanted an exclusive relationship right off the bat. I said that I wasn't willing to commit that quickly. That it's not a smart idea.

Four months is still brand new. At that stage, I would walk away from anyone who pressured me to commit. Even if we decided to stay together after the stunt you pulled, I'd date around until I found a better partner. You put out such a huge red flag. That you're unwilling to compromise and talk out major differences -- especially when it sounds like he would have come around quickly anyway. You're not great long term material for me.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You want what you want. Good for you for sticking to it. I don't think that 4 months is a long time, but it really depends on what has been happening for that four months. I would be interested in what a committed relationship means to him and what about it he feels unready for. I would do a lot of listening. The point is for you to get information to process, not convince him or explain yourself.

OP: Yes that makes sense. I'll go into it listening with an open mind. For the past 4 months we've been going out 2-3x/week. We spend the night at each other's places. He's met my friends.

That sounds like a relationship to me What are you asking him for that he is not into? As someone who divorced in my 40s there are so many possibilities
-he is being responsible about moving slow
-he's not that into you
-he is into you but also wants to see other people
-you are overly focused on BEING IN A RELATIONSHIP
-you know what you want and he is showing that he can't give you want you want

OP: he hasn't introduced me to his friends. He never texts, only calls me (and I've asked him to). He never plans anything in the future- only a few nights out.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Do you have kids? Does he?

Do you want kids?

If you go, try to listen more than talk. Make him do most of the talking. You want to know what he really feels. You don’t want him to just parrot what you say.

OP: I have kids. He does not. He told me he's indifferent about having his own kids; he's more interested in finding the right partner.

Having kids is a serious reason for you to take things slow.

Yeah, I'd actually take pushing to be really serious really soon as a red flag in someone with kids (unless your kids are all adults and fully out of the house).

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Do you have kids? Does he?

Do you want kids?

If you go, try to listen more than talk. Make him do most of the talking. You want to know what he really feels. You don’t want him to just parrot what you say.

OP: I have kids. He does not. He told me he's indifferent about having his own kids; he's more interested in finding the right partner.

Having kids is a serious reason for you to take things slow.

OP: to be clear, I would not introduce anyone to my kids until we've been together at least a year and we've talked about this.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Do you have kids? Does he?

Do you want kids?

If you go, try to listen more than talk. Make him do most of the talking. You want to know what he really feels. You don’t want him to just parrot what you say.

OP: I have kids. He does not. He told me he's indifferent about having his own kids; he's more interested in finding the right partner.

Having kids is a serious reason for you to take things slow.

OP: to be clear, I would not introduce anyone to my kids until we've been together at least a year and we've talked about this.

NP - but you still sound desperate and a little nuts. Maybe talk it out in therapy?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Wow, he's tried several times to reach out to you and you continuously shut him down?

That should be a red flag for him. I wouldn't be surprised if he he said he was confused by your definition of "commitment" but understands now, was willing to do it, but your harsh hard-line stubbornness and personal pride and lack of communication/extend an olive branch made him change his mind.

If you react like this to this type of situation, how unreasonable will you be for the larger things in life, other big permanent decisions, and curve balls life throws at you?

I also think that OP is too invested in labels. Talks about The Relationship are often just a clash of assumptions and expectations. If what you want is to meet some of his friends, then talk about that. If you want to plan a weekend trip together, then suggest that.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I think you've already made a stain on this relationship. If I were him, I'd move on. I'm 39 years old and divorced. I don't commit after 4 months. I got out of an abusive marriage and realized I was dating the wrong people my whole life. I take things slow. Last year, I met someone recently divorced, but wanted an exclusive relationship right off the bat. I said that I wasn't willing to commit that quickly. That it's not a smart idea.

Four months is still brand new. At that stage, I would walk away from anyone who pressured me to commit. Even if we decided to stay together after the stunt you pulled, I'd date around until I found a better partner. You put out such a huge red flag. That you're unwilling to compromise and talk out major differences -- especially when it sounds like he would have come around quickly anyway. You're not great long term material for me.

OP: I've been upfront and honest with him from the beginning that I wanted a serious relationship. He said he did too. I don't want to feel like I'm being used for sex and am not worthy of being a "girlfriend".

[Anonymous]

Good for you for sticking to your boundaries and knowing what you want, OP. Don’t listen to these other posters who seem not to know that men come a dime a dozen and you need to be a “cool girl” about it. He will try to bowl over your boundaries (as evidenced by him trying to keep meeting you) but stick to it. That old book “Why Men love b*tches” is 100% true.