Dating for 4 months and he said "not ready" for relationship- I walked away, now what?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I think you've already made a stain on this relationship. If I were him, I'd move on. I'm 39 years old and divorced. I don't commit after 4 months. I got out of an abusive marriage and realized I was dating the wrong people my whole life. I take things slow. Last year, I met someone recently divorced, but wanted an exclusive relationship right off the bat. I said that I wasn't willing to commit that quickly. That it's not a smart idea.

Four months is still brand new. At that stage, I would walk away from anyone who pressured me to commit. Even if we decided to stay together after the stunt you pulled, I'd date around until I found a better partner. You put out such a huge red flag. That you're unwilling to compromise and talk out major differences -- especially when it sounds like he would have come around quickly anyway. You're not great long term material for me.

4 months is brand new? I was exclusive with my DH after a month.

Honestly if someone is this hesitant to commit, they have baggage and I would walk. You’re the red flag. If after four months you have no clue about whether this is the person for you there are likely insurmountable trust issues, or you’re just not that into the person. Simple as that.

Exclusive doesn’t mean marry. It means give the relationship a chance to deepen via holding space for a lasting commitment. You can’t do that if you’re holding back and dating around.

Agree. But the conundrum op is in now is that it is casual but exclusive. That can be the worst of both worlds because then you’re wasting time not dating other options in exchange for what, some guy who may or may not see a future with you? I would only tolerate that for so long.

Op, a forty two year old guy, at least in dc, if he is employed, educated, makes at least 150k, and is not hideous - and I don’t know if that applies to this guy - is going to have the option of dating a two an in her thirties or forties with no kids. Honestly I feel like most guys would not want to deal with the baggage of kids when they don’t have to. Unless maybe you are super hot and he could never get you if you were childless.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Op, I get what you mean about having sex with someone who is treating things casually. Especially since you had to be the one to bring up exclusivity. There’s this attitude in our society that women should view sex causally and sleep with men they are casually dating when they don’t know what they stand, but I think that’s unreasonable for some women. I need to know the guy is really into me, not dating others, not online, and definitely sees a future with me.

I’m not sure what to do in your situation but I just wanted to say that not wanting casual sex is totally fine.

OP: thanks. I agree. He got divorced 6 years ago and has been dating since then, and using apps, so I think he is very used to casual relationships only.

Use condoms. And get the hpv vaccine if you haven’t already

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Op, I get what you mean about having sex with someone who is treating things casually. Especially since you had to be the one to bring up exclusivity. There’s this attitude in our society that women should view sex causally and sleep with men they are casually dating when they don’t know what they stand, but I think that’s unreasonable for some women. I need to know the guy is really into me, not dating others, not online, and definitely sees a future with me.

I’m not sure what to do in your situation but I just wanted to say that not wanting casual sex is totally fine.

OP: thanks. I agree. He got divorced 6 years ago and has been dating since then, and using apps, so I think he is very used to casual relationships only.

Use condoms. And get the hpv vaccine if you haven’t already

Oh, and ask him to get std tested. And still use condoms

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:You want what you want. Good for you for sticking to it. I don't think that 4 months is a long time, but it really depends on what has been happening for that four months. I would be interested in what a committed relationship means to him and what about it he feels unready for. I would do a lot of listening. The point is for you to get information to process, not convince him or explain yourself.

+ 1

If the relationship is amazing and you are clicking (and frankly both of you are 42 and divorced already - so not your first rodeo), and you want a "committed" Boyfriend-Girlfriend relationship BUT NOT MARRIAGE, then I don't think it is too much of an ask.

If he does not want to be in a committed relationship of a BF-GF type, then he wants to shop around and you are just a booty call. Truth be told - He is NOT INTO YOU and he does not want to solidify a relationship with you. He may still be looking for a hot, young girl who he can start a new family with. If he thought that he could not do better than you, he would basically not hesitate. He still is "single" and shopping.

OP, you are very smart and your instincts are right. You should walk. This man is not on the same life stage/biological stage as you.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You want what you want. Good for you for sticking to it. I don't think that 4 months is a long time, but it really depends on what has been happening for that four months. I would be interested in what a committed relationship means to him and what about it he feels unready for. I would do a lot of listening. The point is for you to get information to process, not convince him or explain yourself.

OP: Yes that makes sense. I'll go into it listening with an open mind. For the past 4 months we've been going out 2-3x/week. We spend the night at each other's places. He's met my friends.

That sounds like a relationship to me What are you asking him for that he is not into? As someone who divorced in my 40s there are so many possibilities
-he is being responsible about moving slow
-he's not that into you
-he is into you but also wants to see other people
-you are overly focused on BEING IN A RELATIONSHIP
-you know what you want and he is showing that he can't give you want you want

OP: he hasn't introduced me to his friends. He never texts, only calls me (and I've asked him to). He never plans anything in the future- only a few nights out.

I don't really understand the issue, exactly. You were exclusive, saw each other several times a week. Some people don't like texting--I'd be more concerned if he only texted and refused to call. Ask him why he doesn't like to text--did you?

How far into the future are you trying to plan, or do you expect him to? Have you tried to plan things like a ski weekend over President's Day and he won't, or are you expecting him to do it spontaneously? Have you asked to meet his friends, or organized a HH or anything? None of these things seem like a good reason to break up without at least addressing them first.

OP: Sorry, that was a typo! He ONLY texts me, never calls. I have to say, "call me tonight" for him to do it. He has never called on his own, which makes me feel like he doesn't care. Also, the texts skew toward sexual pretty often, which is fine (we are both into sex) but I am trying to determine if he is able to go deeper emotionally.

Ah. PP here. That's different. Yeah, now I get the concern, and I think that's a bit of an issue. He's either too used to causal relationships, or is really not that into it. Can it be salvaged? Maybe . Is it worth the effort? Only you know. Listen to him, see what he says, and take it from there. With a huge grain of salt. GL.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Op, I get what you mean about having sex with someone who is treating things casually. Especially since you had to be the one to bring up exclusivity. There’s this attitude in our society that women should view sex causally and sleep with men they are casually dating when they don’t know what they stand, but I think that’s unreasonable for some women. I need to know the guy is really into me, not dating others, not online, and definitely sees a future with me.

I’m not sure what to do in your situation but I just wanted to say that not wanting casual sex is totally fine.

OP: thanks. I agree. He got divorced 6 years ago and has been dating since then, and using apps, so I think he is very used to casual relationships only.

Use condoms. And get the hpv vaccine if you haven’t already

Oh, and ask him to get std tested. And still use condoms

OP: we've both been std tested and showed each other the results. And use condoms.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:How did the exclusivity talk go? Did you have to initiate it?

I hope you’re meeting in a public place. I wouldn’t have sex with him until you’re clear on what you want to do after the talk.

Stay calm and open to what he has to say. You don’t need to solve everything today, the way you take things and react can make or break a deal. Be patient but don’t let him lead you on. Follow your intuition and walk away in the best possible way if you need to.

OP: yes I had to initiate it because the thought of us sleeping with others at the same time was gross to me. He was on board right away.

Was he sleeping with other people? It sounds like you are exclusive sexually only. He might still be dating/looking for the right person.

You’ve been seeing each other 2-3 times a week for four months, I think that’s enough for a man to know whether he wants to be in a relationship with you or not. Don’t entertain the “I’m confused/I need time narrative” or amy other BS.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You want what you want. Good for you for sticking to it. I don't think that 4 months is a long time, but it really depends on what has been happening for that four months. I would be interested in what a committed relationship means to him and what about it he feels unready for. I would do a lot of listening. The point is for you to get information to process, not convince him or explain yourself.

+ 1

If the relationship is amazing and you are clicking (and frankly both of you are 42 and divorced already - so not your first rodeo), and you want a "committed" Boyfriend-Girlfriend relationship BUT NOT MARRIAGE, then I don't think it is too much of an ask.

If he does not want to be in a committed relationship of a BF-GF type, then he wants to shop around and you are just a booty call. Truth be told - He is NOT INTO YOU and he does not want to solidify a relationship with you. He may still be looking for a hot, young girl who he can start a new family with. If he thought that he could not do better than you, he would basically not hesitate. He still is "single" and shopping.

OP, you are very smart and your instincts are right. You should walk. This man is not on the same life stage/biological stage as you.

OP: I agree. But what if today at coffee he says he thought about it and IS ready for a bf/gf relationship? Should I give it a chance?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:How did the exclusivity talk go? Did you have to initiate it?

I hope you’re meeting in a public place. I wouldn’t have sex with him until you’re clear on what you want to do after the talk.

Stay calm and open to what he has to say. You don’t need to solve everything today, the way you take things and react can make or break a deal. Be patient but don’t let him lead you on. Follow your intuition and walk away in the best possible way if you need to.

OP: yes I had to initiate it because the thought of us sleeping with others at the same time was gross to me. He was on board right away.

Was he sleeping with other people? It sounds like you are exclusive sexually only. He might still be dating/looking for the right person.

You’ve been seeing each other 2-3 times a week for four months, I think that’s enough for a man to know whether he wants to be in a relationship with you or not. Don’t entertain the “I’m confused/I need time narrative” or amy other BS.

OP: right. I asked him if he was sleeping with anyone else at the time and he said no.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You want what you want. Good for you for sticking to it. I don't think that 4 months is a long time, but it really depends on what has been happening for that four months. I would be interested in what a committed relationship means to him and what about it he feels unready for. I would do a lot of listening. The point is for you to get information to process, not convince him or explain yourself.

+ 1

If the relationship is amazing and you are clicking (and frankly both of you are 42 and divorced already - so not your first rodeo), and you want a "committed" Boyfriend-Girlfriend relationship BUT NOT MARRIAGE, then I don't think it is too much of an ask.

If he does not want to be in a committed relationship of a BF-GF type, then he wants to shop around and you are just a booty call. Truth be told - He is NOT INTO YOU and he does not want to solidify a relationship with you. He may still be looking for a hot, young girl who he can start a new family with. If he thought that he could not do better than you, he would basically not hesitate. He still is "single" and shopping.

OP, you are very smart and your instincts are right. You should walk. This man is not on the same life stage/biological stage as you.

OP: I agree. But what if today at coffee he says he thought about it and IS ready for a bf/gf relationship? Should I give it a chance?

NP, but yes. Let him make his case. If he just argues that you shouldn't share his preferences/priorities, you'll know what to do. If he says he realized that you're worth moving forward with, likewise. Find out.

[Anonymous]

You are good enough... for now. A time filler. He is looking for something different. It shouldn't be this difficult if both are interested.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You want what you want. Good for you for sticking to it. I don't think that 4 months is a long time, but it really depends on what has been happening for that four months. I would be interested in what a committed relationship means to him and what about it he feels unready for. I would do a lot of listening. The point is for you to get information to process, not convince him or explain yourself.

+ 1

If the relationship is amazing and you are clicking (and frankly both of you are 42 and divorced already - so not your first rodeo), and you want a "committed" Boyfriend-Girlfriend relationship BUT NOT MARRIAGE, then I don't think it is too much of an ask.

If he does not want to be in a committed relationship of a BF-GF type, then he wants to shop around and you are just a booty call. Truth be told - He is NOT INTO YOU and he does not want to solidify a relationship with you. He may still be looking for a hot, young girl who he can start a new family with. If he thought that he could not do better than you, he would basically not hesitate. He still is "single" and shopping.

OP, you are very smart and your instincts are right. You should walk. This man is not on the same life stage/biological stage as you.

OP: I agree. But what if today at coffee he says he thought about it and IS ready for a bf/gf relationship? Should I give it a chance?

Only you can really answer that. I would not take advice on that issue. And I already posted other comments here, so it'/s not like I"m generally against asking or giving advice here.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You want what you want. Good for you for sticking to it. I don't think that 4 months is a long time, but it really depends on what has been happening for that four months. I would be interested in what a committed relationship means to him and what about it he feels unready for. I would do a lot of listening. The point is for you to get information to process, not convince him or explain yourself.

+ 1

If the relationship is amazing and you are clicking (and frankly both of you are 42 and divorced already - so not your first rodeo), and you want a "committed" Boyfriend-Girlfriend relationship BUT NOT MARRIAGE, then I don't think it is too much of an ask.

If he does not want to be in a committed relationship of a BF-GF type, then he wants to shop around and you are just a booty call. Truth be told - He is NOT INTO YOU and he does not want to solidify a relationship with you. He may still be looking for a hot, young girl who he can start a new family with. If he thought that he could not do better than you, he would basically not hesitate. He still is "single" and shopping.

OP, you are very smart and your instincts are right. You should walk. This man is not on the same life stage/biological stage as you.

OP: I agree. But what if today at coffee he says he thought about it and IS ready for a bf/gf relationship? Should I give it a chance?

Only you can really answer that. I would not take advice on that issue. And I already posted other comments here, so it'/s not like I"m generally against asking or giving advice here.

I agree that you need to do what feels right to you. If he asks you don't have to say yes. Personally, I would likely say yes and give it a month to see if you are getting more of the things that are important to you.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You want what you want. Good for you for sticking to it. I don't think that 4 months is a long time, but it really depends on what has been happening for that four months. I would be interested in what a committed relationship means to him and what about it he feels unready for. I would do a lot of listening. The point is for you to get information to process, not convince him or explain yourself.

+ 1

If the relationship is amazing and you are clicking (and frankly both of you are 42 and divorced already - so not your first rodeo), and you want a "committed" Boyfriend-Girlfriend relationship BUT NOT MARRIAGE, then I don't think it is too much of an ask.

If he does not want to be in a committed relationship of a BF-GF type, then he wants to shop around and you are just a booty call. Truth be told - He is NOT INTO YOU and he does not want to solidify a relationship with you. He may still be looking for a hot, young girl who he can start a new family with. If he thought that he could not do better than you, he would basically not hesitate. He still is "single" and shopping.

OP, you are very smart and your instincts are right. You should walk. This man is not on the same life stage/biological stage as you.

OP: I agree. But what if today at coffee he says he thought about it and IS ready for a bf/gf relationship? Should I give it a chance?

Only you can really answer that. I would not take advice on that issue. And I already posted other comments here, so it'/s not like I"m generally against asking or giving advice here.

I agree that you need to do what feels right to you. If he asks you don't have to say yes. Personally, I would likely say yes and give it a month to see if you are getting more of the things that are important to you.

OP: that's what I'm thinking as well. Will report back after coffee.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Op, I get what you mean about having sex with someone who is treating things casually. Especially since you had to be the one to bring up exclusivity. There’s this attitude in our society that women should view sex causally and sleep with men they are casually dating when they don’t know what they stand, but I think that’s unreasonable for some women. I need to know the guy is really into me, not dating others, not online, and definitely sees a future with me.

I’m not sure what to do in your situation but I just wanted to say that not wanting casual sex is totally fine.

OP: thanks. I agree. He got divorced 6 years ago and has been dating since then, and using apps, so I think he is very used to casual relationships only.

He sounds like a Fleischman is in Trouble type guy. I don't blame you for your hackles going up and you deciding this isn't for you.