Dating for 4 months and he said "not ready" for relationship- I walked away, now what?

[Anonymous]

How did the exclusivity talk go? Did you have to initiate it?

I hope you’re meeting in a public place. I wouldn’t have sex with him until you’re clear on what you want to do after the talk.

Stay calm and open to what he has to say. You don’t need to solve everything today, the way you take things and react can make or break a deal. Be patient but don’t let him lead you on. Follow your intuition and walk away in the best possible way if you need to.

[Anonymous]

OP: I'm the same way. I get it. I would want to know at this point if he thought we might have a future together.

You sense something. You know he is not thinking more than a few days out with you at a time.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:How did the exclusivity talk go? Did you have to initiate it?

I hope you’re meeting in a public place. I wouldn’t have sex with him until you’re clear on what you want to do after the talk.

Stay calm and open to what he has to say. You don’t need to solve everything today, the way you take things and react can make or break a deal. Be patient but don’t let him lead you on. Follow your intuition and walk away in the best possible way if you need to.

OP: yes I had to initiate it because the thought of us sleeping with others at the same time was gross to me. He was on board right away.

[Anonymous]

Did you tell him you were ending contact and were done? Then he decided to pursue?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP: I'm the same way. I get it. I would want to know at this point if he thought we might have a future together.

You sense something. You know he is not thinking more than a few days out with you at a time.

OP: Yes, I just don't want to waste time if he's not all in. There's no hard feelings. I don't want to be with someone who is getting all the girlfriend benefits yet is "not sure" about me.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Did you tell him you were ending contact and were done? Then he decided to pursue?

OP: Yes.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Good for you for sticking to your boundaries and knowing what you want, OP. Don’t listen to these other posters who seem not to know that men come a dime a dozen and you need to be a “cool girl” about it. He will try to bowl over your boundaries (as evidenced by him trying to keep meeting you) but stick to it. That old book “Why Men love b*tches” is 100% true.

I agree with you, but I don't think he's that into her so she should stop chasing him. She broke it off with him but is now circling back. If he really wanted to be with her, it would be obvious and she wouldn't be writing in to DCUM.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Do you have kids? Does he?

Do you want kids?

If you go, try to listen more than talk. Make him do most of the talking. You want to know what he really feels. You don’t want him to just parrot what you say.

OP: I have kids. He does not. He told me he's indifferent about having his own kids; he's more interested in finding the right partner.

FYI. PP here. I man told me that last year after 7 months of dating. He told his family about me and then he broke up with me because a divorcee with kids was not acceptable. You should be talking about if this is going to be a problem (I did have that convo many times and he insisted it was not a problem...and then it was.) Just be warned about this possibility.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Do you have kids? Does he?

Do you want kids?

If you go, try to listen more than talk. Make him do most of the talking. You want to know what he really feels. You don’t want him to just parrot what you say.

OP: I have kids. He does not. He told me he's indifferent about having his own kids; he's more interested in finding the right partner.

FYI. PP here. I man told me that last year after 7 months of dating. He told his family about me and then he broke up with me because a divorcee with kids was not acceptable. You should be talking about if this is going to be a problem (I did have that convo many times and he insisted it was not a problem...and then it was.) Just be warned about this possibility.

Interesting. How old are both of you? Is he from a different culture?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Do you have kids? Does he?

Do you want kids?

If you go, try to listen more than talk. Make him do most of the talking. You want to know what he really feels. You don’t want him to just parrot what you say.

OP: I have kids. He does not. He told me he's indifferent about having his own kids; he's more interested in finding the right partner.

FYI. PP here. I man told me that last year after 7 months of dating. He told his family about me and then he broke up with me because a divorcee with kids was not acceptable. You should be talking about if this is going to be a problem (I did have that convo many times and he insisted it was not a problem...and then it was.) Just be warned about this possibility.

Interesting. How old are both of you? Is he from a different culture?

Both early 40s. Yes, he was from a different culture but insisted it did not matter...I hesitated dating for this reason and I thought I vetted it out because of my intense questioning about it early on. However, even people who are American could have a hard time if their families are traditional and don't want baggage for their son. When it came down to it, he would not integrate me into his exended family life because I was not "acceptable." Yes, he loved me. No, ultimately, it did not matter.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Do you have kids? Does he?

Do you want kids?

If you go, try to listen more than talk. Make him do most of the talking. You want to know what he really feels. You don’t want him to just parrot what you say.

OP: I have kids. He does not. He told me he's indifferent about having his own kids; he's more interested in finding the right partner.

FYI. PP here. I man told me that last year after 7 months of dating. He told his family about me and then he broke up with me because a divorcee with kids was not acceptable. You should be talking about if this is going to be a problem (I did have that convo many times and he insisted it was not a problem...and then it was.) Just be warned about this possibility.

Interesting. How old are both of you? Is he from a different culture?

Both early 40s. Yes, he was from a different culture but insisted it did not matter...I hesitated dating for this reason and I thought I vetted it out because of my intense questioning about it early on. However, even people who are American could have a hard time if their families are traditional and don't want baggage for their son. When it came down to it, he would not integrate me into his exended family life because I was not "acceptable." Yes, he loved me. No, ultimately, it did not matter.

OP: that's really tough. Is he Indian? I ask because I have dated Indian men before and the divorce stigma is very real.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Good for you for sticking to your boundaries and knowing what you want, OP. Don’t listen to these other posters who seem not to know that men come a dime a dozen and you need to be a “cool girl” about it. He will try to bowl over your boundaries (as evidenced by him trying to keep meeting you) but stick to it. That old book “Why Men love b*tches” is 100% true.

I agree with you, but I don't think he's that into her so she should stop chasing him. She broke it off with him but is now circling back. If he really wanted to be with her, it would be obvious and she wouldn't be writing in to DCUM.

OP: I don't think I'm chasing him. I broke it off and haven't initiated any contact. He asked me to meet for coffee and I feel like I at least owe him that. I hope that after today I will know for sure it he really wants to be with me or not.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Were you exclusive? What do you mean by committed - eventual marriage? Hear him out as you may be on the same page. Four months really isn't that long.

OP: We just recently became exclusive. By committed, I just mean acting like boyfriend/girlfriend in a "real" relationship- not just dating. I was clear that I wasn't asking for marriage or anything like that.

You are being reasonable and good for you for sticking with what you want.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Do you have kids? Does he?

Do you want kids?

If you go, try to listen more than talk. Make him do most of the talking. You want to know what he really feels. You don’t want him to just parrot what you say.

OP: I have kids. He does not. He told me he's indifferent about having his own kids; he's more interested in finding the right partner.

FYI. PP here. I man told me that last year after 7 months of dating. He told his family about me and then he broke up with me because a divorcee with kids was not acceptable. You should be talking about if this is going to be a problem (I did have that convo many times and he insisted it was not a problem...and then it was.) Just be warned about this possibility.

Interesting. How old are both of you? Is he from a different culture?

Both early 40s. Yes, he was from a different culture but insisted it did not matter...I hesitated dating for this reason and I thought I vetted it out because of my intense questioning about it early on. However, even people who are American could have a hard time if their families are traditional and don't want baggage for their son. When it came down to it, he would not integrate me into his exended family life because I was not "acceptable." Yes, he loved me. No, ultimately, it did not matter.

OP: that's really tough. Is he Indian? I ask because I have dated Indian men before and the divorce stigma is very real.

No, he wasn't. But a lot of cultures and people in general have that stigma. Men often think it does not matter that much because they really like you and then they realize people are judging them and they can't handle that so they break it off.

[Anonymous]

Let's see. If the genders were reversed and the woman said things were moving too fast and the man was pressuring it to go faster, it would be "you go girl" for standing your ground, don't let peopel pressure you, etc.

So it should be the same in this case. 4 months isn't that long, and you're in your 40s. He wants to be careful about moving forward. Respect that.