FTM with Unsupportive Family

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:She drove out to you while on bedrest and asked how to help you, and you asked her to clean your place? lol it's not surprising she declined. Either sit down and talk to her about how you feel and how you'd like to proceed, or accept that it's always going to be this way. Either way, you can do it without family support. I know it doesn't feel like it right now, but you can do this.

np: What were you and OP’s mother expecting OP to ask for? I can’t think of anything OP would need with more than domestic chores!

That is exactly what my mom did. She said she was there to support me and I was supposed to take care of the baby. SHe did the laundry and the cooking. It was great for the week that she came.

OP- not every family helps, or helps to the extent that you need. It sounds like your ILs are helpful. I would concentrate on that and fill inthe rest with paid help.

[Anonymous]

Your mom is a lost case. The best way to piss her off is not to engage. You can delight in her raging against your non communication. Enjoy your baby, she’s the most important, not your mom. As for the poster who keeps blaming the OP, STFU. Feel sorry for you and your kids and hope you get the same you dish out in your post partum days because you absolutely will have everything under control even if you had a NICU babu.0

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:She drove out to you while on bedrest and asked how to help you, and you asked her to clean your place? lol it's not surprising she declined. Either sit down and talk to her about how you feel and how you'd like to proceed, or accept that it's always going to be this way. Either way, you can do it without family support. I know it doesn't feel like it right now, but you can do this.

np: What were you and OP’s mother expecting OP to ask for? I can’t think of anything OP would need with more than domestic chores!

Why cant OP DH clean and unpack?

SHE ASKED HOW TO HELP!!! Good lord what did she think her daughter would say? Oh mom how about you just sit there and watch Netflix while I seethe with anxiety inside about all the things I can't physically do but desperately want to? I'm not OP but man you people are so quick to judge.

Oh, please. You think IP wants to desperately unpack? OP had a whole month to unpack, and did not. If OP and her DH didn't unpack in that time, why would anyone else?

OP here. You seem to lack empathy or perhaps have been surrounded by people with perfect pregnancies. We moved into our home while renovations were being finished (which my husband took care of managing 100% of that) plus I had such horrible nausea and other health complications that I was very limited in what I could do.

I’m sure you understand how unpacking an entire home takes a backseat to managing basic daily needs.

Not that you deserved this explanation

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:She drove out to you while on bedrest and asked how to help you, and you asked her to clean your place? lol it's not surprising she declined. Either sit down and talk to her about how you feel and how you'd like to proceed, or accept that it's always going to be this way. Either way, you can do it without family support. I know it doesn't feel like it right now, but you can do this.

np: What were you and OP’s mother expecting OP to ask for? I can’t think of anything OP would need with more than domestic chores!

Why cant OP DH clean and unpack?

SHE ASKED HOW TO HELP!!! Good lord what did she think her daughter would say? Oh mom how about you just sit there and watch Netflix while I seethe with anxiety inside about all the things I can't physically do but desperately want to? I'm not OP but man you people are so quick to judge.

Oh, please. You think IP wants to desperately unpack? OP had a whole month to unpack, and did not. If OP and her DH didn't unpack in that time, why would anyone else?

OP here. You seem to lack empathy or perhaps have been surrounded by people with perfect pregnancies. We moved into our home while renovations were being finished (which my husband took care of managing 100% of that) plus I had such horrible nausea and other health complications that I was very limited in what I could do.

I’m sure you understand how unpacking an entire home takes a backseat to managing basic daily needs.

Not that you deserved this explanation

It’s ok, OP, we get it. People like the PP above are wired wrong. Ignore them.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:She drove out to you while on bedrest and asked how to help you, and you asked her to clean your place? lol it's not surprising she declined. Either sit down and talk to her about how you feel and how you'd like to proceed, or accept that it's always going to be this way. Either way, you can do it without family support. I know it doesn't feel like it right now, but you can do this.

My original post may have been confusing. I told her I was placed on bedrest and she asked how she could be helpful. I responded that I could use help organizing my stuff, with laundry, and unpacking. We had just moved into our first home a month prior and I hadn’t completely unpacked. I was told by my OB that I shouldn’t even unload the dishwasher so I was very limited in what I could do (and scared to move
And pretty depressed).

OP, that was totally reasonable. How else are you going to help a person on bedrest -- you help them with the things they can't do b/c they are in bed! I don't know what's wrong with PP, but your request was completely reasonable and it's sort of the obvious thing that anyone would WANT to do if they wanted to be helpful!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:It was totally normal of you to think you could ask your mother to do your laundry and unpack for you when you were on bedrest.

Totally normal to not allow unvaccinated people or smokers around a baby (even if not a preemie).

YOU ARE NORMAL. Your parents are NUTS.

Focus on your friends and husband's family and your baby. Block/ignore your family.

+10000

again for the cheap seats:
YOU ARE NORMAL. Your parents are NUTS.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:She drove out to you while on bedrest and asked how to help you, and you asked her to clean your place? lol it's not surprising she declined. Either sit down and talk to her about how you feel and how you'd like to proceed, or accept that it's always going to be this way. Either way, you can do it without family support. I know it doesn't feel like it right now, but you can do this.

np: What were you and OP’s mother expecting OP to ask for? I can’t think of anything OP would need with more than domestic chores!

Why cant OP DH clean and unpack?

SHE ASKED HOW TO HELP!!! Good lord what did she think her daughter would say? Oh mom how about you just sit there and watch Netflix while I seethe with anxiety inside about all the things I can't physically do but desperately want to? I'm not OP but man you people are so quick to judge.

Oh, please. You think IP wants to desperately unpack? OP had a whole month to unpack, and did not. If OP and her DH didn't unpack in that time, why would anyone else?

What on earth is wrong with you, PP?!?! OP was pregnant and had just moved. NORMAL PEOPLE WHO OFFER TO HELP actually mean that they would like to be helpful. When I offer to help someone, I appreciate when they tell me what they actually need help with. I've been on bedrest and I had a preemie in the NICU (born at 34 weeks, so I have some appreciation of how much more exponentially scary and fraught OP's journey is.) I would 100% be fine with cleaning a friend's house if she was on bedrest, or unpacking some boxes. You seriously have something wrong with you if you think helping people in tangible ways like this is weird. This is what friends do. This is what (normal) loved ones offer to do.

[Anonymous]

Find a good therapist.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:She drove out to you while on bedrest and asked how to help you, and you asked her to clean your place? lol it's not surprising she declined. Either sit down and talk to her about how you feel and how you'd like to proceed, or accept that it's always going to be this way. Either way, you can do it without family support. I know it doesn't feel like it right now, but you can do this.

Um, i cleaned my best friends house when she broke her femur. I came in and took her laundry 2xs a week. It's not a big deal to clean up for someone you love.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:What worked with my mom was a grey rock approach. Nothing she says affects you. End the call in a happy “I gotta go, let’s talk soon!” if the conversation turns to insults and accusations. Tell her she’s welcome to come visit (on dates when it works for you.)

Expect nothing. Do not engage on social media.

It took my mom about a year to decide to “forgive” me and move on. Embrace your DH’s family and take kindness wherever you can find it. Do not let your mom push you away from people who are showing you kindness.

totally this. my mom is not OP's mom, but she was not able to help me in the way my MIL could after our twins were born. I accepted help from my MIL and did my best for my parents to know they were included to the best of their abilities. so grateful they never gave me any grief for that.

OP here. My MIL—and other women in my life—were able to help in ways that my own mother chose not to/could not. Instead of being grateful that others were able to love on her child, she was mean and bitter about it. Insulting each person behind their backs, making really rude comments, and she even stormed out of my hospital room after demanding an apology for treating other women like they were my mother (followed by a dramatic “since you love them so much, ask them to be your mother”). Crazy.

At one point, she even gave me an ultimatum when she said she wanted to join me during one of my hospital visits but only had 1 hour because “dad needs to be home to watch the football game”....

Honestly, I feel badly for her. She’s not happy and seems to be quite lost. I’m learning that I can’t take that on and make it my problem. But, she’s my mother and I love her, I just know she’s not good for me to be around at this point.

Your mother sounds like a narcissist or someone with borderline personality disorder. My mother has BPD and I have completely cooled my relationship with her. I've embraced my MIL full speed and have left my mother and her nasty manipulations in the dust.

My mom is local and I wont even spend the holidays with her. I've realized all I have is my little family and all I can do is change their future and get my love from them.

I will not engage and try desperately any longer for my mothers love. I will not degrade myself, nor try to get what I never can have.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:She drove out to you while on bedrest and asked how to help you, and you asked her to clean your place? lol it's not surprising she declined. Either sit down and talk to her about how you feel and how you'd like to proceed, or accept that it's always going to be this way. Either way, you can do it without family support. I know it doesn't feel like it right now, but you can do this.

np: What were you and OP’s mother expecting OP to ask for? I can’t think of anything OP would need with more than domestic chores!

Why cant OP DH clean and unpack?

+100

Keep in mind, OP, people make this "offer" all the time. "Larla, I'm sorry to hear you're on bedrest. Is there any thing I can do to help?" really translates into "Sorry youre on bedrest. Sending good vibes your way. Text me when things change". They don't literally want to be your maid service by unpacking your house, doing your laundry, cleaning your bathroom, etc. C'mon OP.
Plus, she probably figured you were being dramatic with bedrest. A lot of times that older generation is so far removed from pregnancy (well, back when I was pregnant I still kept up with the house, cooking, and subsequent kids all while smoking cigrettes), that the term bedrest just seems like an excuse to lay around with overly protective doctors monitoring you.

Another perspective on this is that sometimes people freeze up and distance themselves when a family member is in a stressful situation (like your LO born premature/NICU). They don't know what to say or do so they do nothing. In fact, they might put up an emotional wall/go into denial. It's not uncommon for them to turn the situation into being about them instead offering to help.

No hon, that's just you who thinks like that and your ilk. Most healthy peoplenmeannwhatbthey say and actually get JOY from helping others.

I'm guessing altruism is not something you comprehend.

[Anonymous]

I’m sorry, op. You don’t sound unreasonable. Don’t wait around for them to change.

[Anonymous]

OP, I am very sorry. My mother was like this after my second child was born, and her behavior really caused a riff between us and we were quasi estranged for about a year. It was awful. We moved when I was 8 months pregnant and she volunteered out of nowhere to help us on the moving day with my toddler, so I said ok. But then she demanded to be put up in a fancy hotel because she didn't want to sleep with boxes everywhere, and we also said ok and did it, and paid for it. Then on moving day she said she didn't want to watch my toddler because she was too hyper, and said she would help with the movers, but only sitting down because she claimed to have vertigo. It was a circus. When we told her (politely) it was fine, she could just go home, she blew a fuse.

When I had DC2, my MIL had asked to help with the toddler and we said ok and my mother got so upset. She refused to visit me in the hospital where I was for over a week. She refused to see her new grandchild for a month. And she then declared she would never spend the night in our new house because the guest suite was in the basement and she doesn't sleep in basements, even though she had been there when we first saw the house and wanted to buy it and she said she loved the guest suite and couldn't wait to visit.

Fast forward 5 years things have gotten a lot better, but only when I put up some serious boundaries and did therapy. It is very hard for me to see other friends with extremely kind and involved grandparents but thems the breaks for me. And my kind MIL died suddenly, so now my parents are all my kids have as far as grandparents go so I try as best as I can to maintain a relationship that isn't toxic for me. Good Luck OP

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:She drove out to you while on bedrest and asked how to help you, and you asked her to clean your place? lol it's not surprising she declined. Either sit down and talk to her about how you feel and how you'd like to proceed, or accept that it's always going to be this way. Either way, you can do it without family support. I know it doesn't feel like it right now, but you can do this.

np: What were you and OP’s mother expecting OP to ask for? I can’t think of anything OP would need with more than domestic chores!

Seriously. If you think the OP was out of line, then you clearly have been lucky enough to be spared medical trauma in your life.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:She drove out to you while on bedrest and asked how to help you, and you asked her to clean your place? lol it's not surprising she declined. Either sit down and talk to her about how you feel and how you'd like to proceed, or accept that it's always going to be this way. Either way, you can do it without family support. I know it doesn't feel like it right now, but you can do this.

np: What were you and OP’s mother expecting OP to ask for? I can’t think of anything OP would need with more than domestic chores!

Why cant OP DH clean and unpack?

+100

Keep in mind, OP, people make this "offer" all the time. "Larla, I'm sorry to hear you're on bedrest. Is there any thing I can do to help?" really translates into "Sorry youre on bedrest. Sending good vibes your way. Text me when things change". They don't literally want to be your maid service by unpacking your house, doing your laundry, cleaning your bathroom, etc. C'mon OP.
Plus, she probably figured you were being dramatic with bedrest. A lot of times that older generation is so far removed from pregnancy (well, back when I was pregnant I still kept up with the house, cooking, and subsequent kids all while smoking cigrettes), that the term bedrest just seems like an excuse to lay around with overly protective doctors monitoring you.

Another perspective on this is that sometimes people freeze up and distance themselves when a family member is in a stressful situation (like your LO born premature/NICU). They don't know what to say or do so they do nothing. In fact, they might put up an emotional wall/go into denial. It's not uncommon for them to turn the situation into being about them instead offering to help.

Hey, if you don’t want to help, don’t offer to help. Send regrets, offer to visit if you don’t want to help. But don’t offer to help.. because, you know, that person might honestly believe you’re offering.

If I offer to help, I’m there to help. I’ve made food, babysat, helped with thank you cards, scrubbed toilets... whatever.