FTM with Unsupportive Family

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:What worked with my mom was a grey rock approach. Nothing she says affects you. End the call in a happy “I gotta go, let’s talk soon!” if the conversation turns to insults and accusations. Tell her she’s welcome to come visit (on dates when it works for you.)

Expect nothing. Do not engage on social media.

It took my mom about a year to decide to “forgive” me and move on. Embrace your DH’s family and take kindness wherever you can find it. Do not let your mom push you away from people who are showing you kindness.

Good advice.

And stop posting anything about family support or not on social media. Or almost anything on social media.

Only post pics of the baby once in a while. It's best if you back away from social media.

OP here. Agree that it’s great advice. I’ve not posted anything about family support on my social accounts, just pics of baby and positive updates about any milestones he hits. Her feathers are ruffled because I’ve not posted anything about her being the best mother ever.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP I can’t imagine the stress and strain. Try to just give yourself as much space from your mom as you can get. I bet later you will make your peace about this chapter and with her.

OP here. Thank you and I agree. It’s been incredibly stressful but I’m grateful that our LO is doing so well, considering the circumstances.

There’s no empathy from my family and that was hurtful but I’m grateful that we’re surrounded by so much love. I can’t complain because our village has been amazing.

[Anonymous]

OP, it’s not up to you to fix this; you’ve done nothing wrong. You were dealt a difficult hand, unfortunately.

Do what you need to do for yourself. Your mother is going to complain. Learn to see those complaints as unreasonable. Set boundaries. Feel better about yourself. If they’re putting you down for following doctor’s orders, your family is beyond unsupportive. This sounds more like getting into emotional abuse.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:She drove out to you while on bedrest and asked how to help you, and you asked her to clean your place? lol it's not surprising she declined. Either sit down and talk to her about how you feel and how you'd like to proceed, or accept that it's always going to be this way. Either way, you can do it without family support. I know it doesn't feel like it right now, but you can do this.

np: What were you and OP’s mother expecting OP to ask for? I can’t think of anything OP would need with more than domestic chores!

Why cant OP DH clean and unpack?

[Anonymous]

OP, your family members seem to be narcissists. Unfortunately, this kind of set centered behavior becomes very apparent once the limelight is no longer on them. Then the crazy really comes out. Your new baby is taking the limelight off your mother, and she can’t stand it. She could also be jealous of your life. It’s completely natural that you need love from them at such a difficult time, but they’re incapable of giving it. I know it’s hard to accept that they would be so cruel, but they will never change. Focus on your spouse and your baby and the love of your ILs. You may have to cut off contact with your mother until you are ready to deal with her. Don’t let her try to guilt you into seeing her. Take care.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:She drove out to you while on bedrest and asked how to help you, and you asked her to clean your place? lol it's not surprising she declined. Either sit down and talk to her about how you feel and how you'd like to proceed, or accept that it's always going to be this way. Either way, you can do it without family support. I know it doesn't feel like it right now, but you can do this.

What are you smoking?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:What worked with my mom was a grey rock approach. Nothing she says affects you. End the call in a happy “I gotta go, let’s talk soon!” if the conversation turns to insults and accusations. Tell her she’s welcome to come visit (on dates when it works for you.)

Expect nothing. Do not engage on social media.

It took my mom about a year to decide to “forgive” me and move on. Embrace your DH’s family and take kindness wherever you can find it. Do not let your mom push you away from people who are showing you kindness.

Good advice.

And stop posting anything about family support or not on social media. Or almost anything on social media.

Only post pics of the baby once in a while. It's best if you back away from social media.

OP here. Agree that it’s great advice. I’ve not posted anything about family support on my social accounts, just pics of baby and positive updates about any milestones he hits. Her feathers are ruffled because I’ve not posted anything about her being the best mother ever.

Ugh. Sorry OP. She sounds like a piece of work.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:She drove out to you while on bedrest and asked how to help you, and you asked her to clean your place? lol it's not surprising she declined. Either sit down and talk to her about how you feel and how you'd like to proceed, or accept that it's always going to be this way. Either way, you can do it without family support. I know it doesn't feel like it right now, but you can do this.

np: What were you and OP’s mother expecting OP to ask for? I can’t think of anything OP would need with more than domestic chores!

Why cant OP DH clean and unpack?

OP never said she needed her mom to clean. OP was on bedrest. The mom asked/volunteered her help. OP suggested a way to help. The mom declined. What else would OP have needed while unable to move around? Cooking, cleaning, chores.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:She drove out to you while on bedrest and asked how to help you, and you asked her to clean your place? lol it's not surprising she declined. Either sit down and talk to her about how you feel and how you'd like to proceed, or accept that it's always going to be this way. Either way, you can do it without family support. I know it doesn't feel like it right now, but you can do this.

np: What were you and OP’s mother expecting OP to ask for? I can’t think of anything OP would need with more than domestic chores!

Why cant OP DH clean and unpack?

SHE ASKED HOW TO HELP!!! Good lord what did she think her daughter would say? Oh mom how about you just sit there and watch Netflix while I seethe with anxiety inside about all the things I can't physically do but desperately want to? I'm not OP but man you people are so quick to judge.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:She drove out to you while on bedrest and asked how to help you, and you asked her to clean your place? lol it's not surprising she declined. Either sit down and talk to her about how you feel and how you'd like to proceed, or accept that it's always going to be this way. Either way, you can do it without family support. I know it doesn't feel like it right now, but you can do this.

np: What were you and OP’s mother expecting OP to ask for? I can’t think of anything OP would need with more than domestic chores!

Why cant OP DH clean and unpack?

+100

Keep in mind, OP, people make this "offer" all the time. "Larla, I'm sorry to hear you're on bedrest. Is there any thing I can do to help?" really translates into "Sorry youre on bedrest. Sending good vibes your way. Text me when things change". They don't literally want to be your maid service by unpacking your house, doing your laundry, cleaning your bathroom, etc. C'mon OP.
Plus, she probably figured you were being dramatic with bedrest. A lot of times that older generation is so far removed from pregnancy (well, back when I was pregnant I still kept up with the house, cooking, and subsequent kids all while smoking cigrettes), that the term bedrest just seems like an excuse to lay around with overly protective doctors monitoring you.

Another perspective on this is that sometimes people freeze up and distance themselves when a family member is in a stressful situation (like your LO born premature/NICU). They don't know what to say or do so they do nothing. In fact, they might put up an emotional wall/go into denial. It's not uncommon for them to turn the situation into being about them instead offering to help.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:She drove out to you while on bedrest and asked how to help you, and you asked her to clean your place? lol it's not surprising she declined. Either sit down and talk to her about how you feel and how you'd like to proceed, or accept that it's always going to be this way. Either way, you can do it without family support. I know it doesn't feel like it right now, but you can do this.

np: What were you and OP’s mother expecting OP to ask for? I can’t think of anything OP would need with more than domestic chores!

Why cant OP DH clean and unpack?

SHE ASKED HOW TO HELP!!! Good lord what did she think her daughter would say? Oh mom how about you just sit there and watch Netflix while I seethe with anxiety inside about all the things I can't physically do but desperately want to? I'm not OP but man you people are so quick to judge.

Oh, please. You think IP wants to desperately unpack? OP had a whole month to unpack, and did not. If OP and her DH didn't unpack in that time, why would anyone else?

[Anonymous]

It doesn't appear that you've had a close relationship with your mom, so it shouldn't come as a surprise if your child doesn't have one, either. Try to focus on your baby, and your in laws, and friends if they're supportive in the ways you need. You can't change people, unfortunately, and it's not worth it to focus any energy or time on your parents if they can't be there for you in the way you want them to be.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:She drove out to you while on bedrest and asked how to help you, and you asked her to clean your place? lol it's not surprising she declined. Either sit down and talk to her about how you feel and how you'd like to proceed, or accept that it's always going to be this way. Either way, you can do it without family support. I know it doesn't feel like it right now, but you can do this.

np: What were you and OP’s mother expecting OP to ask for? I can’t think of anything OP would need with more than domestic chores!

Why cant OP DH clean and unpack?

The mother offered to help. Why is that so hard to understand? You seem as selfish as OP’s mother.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:She drove out to you while on bedrest and asked how to help you, and you asked her to clean your place? lol it's not surprising she declined. Either sit down and talk to her about how you feel and how you'd like to proceed, or accept that it's always going to be this way. Either way, you can do it without family support. I know it doesn't feel like it right now, but you can do this.

np: What were you and OP’s mother expecting OP to ask for? I can’t think of anything OP would need with more than domestic chores!

Why cant OP DH clean and unpack?

+100

Keep in mind, OP, people make this "offer" all the time. "Larla, I'm sorry to hear you're on bedrest. Is there any thing I can do to help?" really translates into "Sorry youre on bedrest. Sending good vibes your way. Text me when things change". They don't literally want to be your maid service by unpacking your house, doing your laundry, cleaning your bathroom, etc. C'mon OP.
Plus, she probably figured you were being dramatic with bedrest. A lot of times that older generation is so far removed from pregnancy (well, back when I was pregnant I still kept up with the house, cooking, and subsequent kids all while smoking cigrettes), that the term bedrest just seems like an excuse to lay around with overly protective doctors monitoring you.

Another perspective on this is that sometimes people freeze up and distance themselves when a family member is in a stressful situation (like your LO born premature/NICU). They don't know what to say or do so they do nothing. In fact, they might put up an emotional wall/go into denial. It's not uncommon for them to turn the situation into being about them instead offering to help.

The behavior you’re describing is abnormal, especially for a mother or grandmother unless they have a disorder which I suspect is the case here.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:She drove out to you while on bedrest and asked how to help you, and you asked her to clean your place? lol it's not surprising she declined. Either sit down and talk to her about how you feel and how you'd like to proceed, or accept that it's always going to be this way. Either way, you can do it without family support. I know it doesn't feel like it right now, but you can do this.

np: What were you and OP’s mother expecting OP to ask for? I can’t think of anything OP would need with more than domestic chores!

Why cant OP DH clean and unpack?

SHE ASKED HOW TO HELP!!! Good lord what did she think her daughter would say? Oh mom how about you just sit there and watch Netflix while I seethe with anxiety inside about all the things I can't physically do but desperately want to? I'm not OP but man you people are so quick to judge.

Oh, please. You think IP wants to desperately unpack? OP had a whole month to unpack, and did not. If OP and her DH didn't unpack in that time, why would anyone else?

You have issues.