FTM with Unsupportive Family

[Anonymous]

Sorry OP, it’s obvious there is or are trolls that have derailed this thread. Your mom is awful period, just accept that and move on.

[Anonymous]

There are always different angles to any story and I suspect you are leaving out a lot. In any case, it's your kid and your responsibility. You have an infant now so grow up and stop whining. Your parents owe you nothing for childcare or anything else.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I’m a first time parent of a baby born very prematurely (26 weeks, to be exact).

I live about 40 minutes from most of my family and my mom was the only person who visited me while I was in the hospital for 15 days and while my baby was in the NICU for 3+ months.

And she wasn’t exactly the most empathetic and supportive person throughout my pregnancy and delivery. Examples: 1) she was upset that my friends came to visit me the hospital and 2) when she asked how she could help me while I was on bedrest, I told her I’d appreciate her helping me to do my laundry and straighten my house...her response was that she’s not my maid! 3) she called once I was discharged from the hospital and said she really wants to see her grandbaby but knew that I’d have to go with her and said never mind 4) she believes that I “bragged” about all of the support coming from my husband’s family when in fact, I was just trying to focus on good things happening in the midst of so much trauma 5) my father basically told me that he wants nothing to do with my family because I’ve hurt my mother.

It’s been a pretty traumatic and exhausting journey to parenthood and I am struggling to come to terms with the lack of family support. Even more heartbreaking is thinking about my daughter not having a relationship with my family.

When I try to create peace, my mother says that I need to apologize to my family for being so rigid about people needing to be vaccinated and not smoke around my baby (doctors orders). My father told me that she’s embarrassed when people ask about us because she can’t say that she sees us very often. He also encouraged me to post “something nice” on social media to make her feel better. She’s basically making herself out to be a victim.

This feels so crazy to me. I just want peace in my life and I would love to feel like my family is supportive of me, as I have been there for them.

Any thoughts on how to make things better?

I haven't even read all of the many, many pages of this thread, OP...but this stuck out to me a lot:
If your dad has asked you to post "something nice" on social media, it is likely b/c it hurt your mom's feelings that you posted "something nice" (and maybe many, many "something nice"s praising your DH's family during this time. Keep in mind that your father has to live with your mother and all her moods. So if she is unhappy and hurt...he is miserable. And he's just trying to make it better somehow. This is all he knows to do. And in his mind, it probably wouldn't kill you just to say something nice about your mom.

And as far as "bragging" about your inlaws...maybe you didn't mean it that way, but that's what it is when you blast it out on social media. "I can't say enough about how thoughtful my sweet mother-in-law is for bringing us lunch every day for 3 weeks while Larla has been in NICU. I'm so blessed to have you in my life, Dear MIL!" (To your mom, this reads as "Dear World, my MIL is a saint! Look how fab she is!" which would be just fine if the silence about her weren't so condemning!) You may be "focusing on the positive" OP, but how in the world can you not see what this does? It's passive aggressive at best. If you want to thank your MIL, then thank your MIL. But posting crap like this publicly on social media can be such a dig. It just sets people up for internal angst.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I’m a first time parent of a baby born very prematurely (26 weeks, to be exact).

I live about 40 minutes from most of my family and my mom was the only person who visited me while I was in the hospital for 15 days and while my baby was in the NICU for 3+ months.

And she wasn’t exactly the most empathetic and supportive person throughout my pregnancy and delivery. Examples: 1) she was upset that my friends came to visit me the hospital and 2) when she asked how she could help me while I was on bedrest, I told her I’d appreciate her helping me to do my laundry and straighten my house...her response was that she’s not my maid! 3) she called once I was discharged from the hospital and said she really wants to see her grandbaby but knew that I’d have to go with her and said never mind 4) she believes that I “bragged” about all of the support coming from my husband’s family when in fact, I was just trying to focus on good things happening in the midst of so much trauma 5) my father basically told me that he wants nothing to do with my family because I’ve hurt my mother.

It’s been a pretty traumatic and exhausting journey to parenthood and I am struggling to come to terms with the lack of family support. Even more heartbreaking is thinking about my daughter not having a relationship with my family.

When I try to create peace, my mother says that I need to apologize to my family for being so rigid about people needing to be vaccinated and not smoke around my baby (doctors orders). My father told me that she’s embarrassed when people ask about us because she can’t say that she sees us very often. He also encouraged me to post “something nice” on social media to make her feel better. She’s basically making herself out to be a victim.

This feels so crazy to me. I just want peace in my life and I would love to feel like my family is supportive of me, as I have been there for them.

Any thoughts on how to make things better?

I haven't even read all of the many, many pages of this thread, OP...but this stuck out to me a lot:
If your dad has asked you to post "something nice" on social media, it is likely b/c it hurt your mom's feelings that you posted "something nice" (and maybe many, many "something nice"s praising your DH's family during this time. Keep in mind that your father has to live with your mother and all her moods. So if she is unhappy and hurt...he is miserable. And he's just trying to make it better somehow. This is all he knows to do. And in his mind, it probably wouldn't kill you just to say something nice about your mom.

And as far as "bragging" about your inlaws...maybe you didn't mean it that way, but that's what it is when you blast it out on social media. "I can't say enough about how thoughtful my sweet mother-in-law is for bringing us lunch every day for 3 weeks while Larla has been in NICU. I'm so blessed to have you in my life, Dear MIL!" (To your mom, this reads as "Dear World, my MIL is a saint! Look how fab she is!" which would be just fine if the silence about her weren't so condemning!) You may be "focusing on the positive" OP, but how in the world can you not see what this does? It's passive aggressive at best. If you want to thank your MIL, then thank your MIL. But posting crap like this publicly on social media can be such a dig. It just sets people up for internal angst.

+1. This. OP doesn’t get it

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:WOW! What is with the haters in this thread?
First OP moves, then is on bed rest, then has a premature baby. A full load of bad times. But no one should help her and she should get a cleaning service?
Also the deductibles in all that hospital time is a money suck.

OP here. People are crazy. It’s the internet, I didn’t expect much, but I do appreciate the helpful feedback. The “wacko poster” is making a lot of assumptions about what my husband and I can comfortably afford. I would imagine if they were in the same situation, there’d be more empathy. High risk pregnancies are nothing to take lightly. I commend other families who have made it work and I couldn’t imagine making it through the last year without so many wonderful family and friends. Sounds like Wacko Poster trolls Internet forums to spew hate as a hobby because they don’t have a full life. They’ve spent lots of time on this thread, though it has nothing to do with their life.

You are one of those crazy people. You won't even allow family to take pictures of your baby because she's hooked up to wires? How shallow and selfish are you? There's no reason to be ashamed she was in the NICU.

OP here. Hey wacko poster! Welcome back. Surprised to see you back again, making more inaccurate assumptions. You clearly don’t know much about the NICU experience from a first hand perspective. I wish you well. Thanks for investing so much time on this thread and have a wonderful weekend!

Not that it matters, but I've actually had 3 children in the NICU, and am familiar with the every 2 hours around the clock back and forth visit from home to hospital. So, yes, I find it strange and shallow that you denied your mom photos, as well as all the other things you've complained about. Find a good therapist, it would serve you well.

OP revealed her true colors in her terrible responses.

You and your multiple personalities need to up your medication and seek a new therapist.

Hi, OP! Is this how you speak to your family?

This wasn’t OP. I’m one of many who thinks you’re crazy. Which personality is this?

Someone has multiple personality disorder if they disagree with an OP? Your accusation doesn’t make a lot of sense

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:There are always different angles to any story and I suspect you are leaving out a lot. In any case, it's your kid and your responsibility. You have an infant now so grow up and stop whining. Your parents owe you nothing for childcare or anything else.

THIS.

Sounds like this kid and experience will be good for your self growth.

[Anonymous]

I’m just perplexed by this thread. It must hit a nerve for some trolls.
OP I did have a thought about your mom: Maybe she is so freaked out and worried about you and your baby that she can’t think straight. She wanted to take a picture of the baby so she could show her friends (who maybe never saw NICU baby) and let them know how shocking and scary that is for her. She knows you will be devastated if something happens to either of you and it just overwhelms her.
Lately my daughter has been seriously sick and it’s driven me crazy with worry.
Or your mom just not very sensitive ...
I hope your baby thrives and gets better soon. Just keep onward and one day she will be fine.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:How much cleaning needs to done,!? Seriously, do you vacuum every single day or something? 1x/week, right? Dishes go in dishwasher- push 1 button. Sane with laundry. Cooking - op or DJ cant possibly cook? Order out? Crock pot chicken? Take 20 minutes to bake salmon?For 2 grown capable adults? Are you people not able to function with a newborn in the house? So much so, you have to ask people to "help" you . Yea, I get it -with babies/newborns nursing 24/7, diapers, holding them, tapping their butts in hopesthey fall asleep on your shoulder, sleep deprived, but seriously between Op and the dH you cant make this work?
If you want support from family, take a different approach- "Mom, baby seems to be less fussy in the morning. Do you want to come over and take her on a walk? And if you dont mind putting her down for a nap after that would be great. I wanted to run to the store to pick up salad for dinner and catch a few minutes of a nap myself"....works much better than "mom, we are admittedly sloppy. I'm too busy holding the baby and tired to do anything about it. Would you mind cleaning up after me and dh? Maybe, just maybe, you can hold your grandchild, but I'll have to think about it".

For FFs. When you are on strict BEDREST you aren't allowed to get up at all except to use the bathroom. It's not about bring lazy it's about having a viable pregnancy.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:How much cleaning needs to done,!? Seriously, do you vacuum every single day or something? 1x/week, right? Dishes go in dishwasher- push 1 button. Sane with laundry. Cooking - op or DJ cant possibly cook? Order out? Crock pot chicken? Take 20 minutes to bake salmon?For 2 grown capable adults? Are you people not able to function with a newborn in the house? So much so, you have to ask people to "help" you . Yea, I get it -with babies/newborns nursing 24/7, diapers, holding them, tapping their butts in hopesthey fall asleep on your shoulder, sleep deprived, but seriously between Op and the dH you cant make this work?
If you want support from family, take a different approach- "Mom, baby seems to be less fussy in the morning. Do you want to come over and take her on a walk? And if you dont mind putting her down for a nap after that would be great. I wanted to run to the store to pick up salad for dinner and catch a few minutes of a nap myself"....works much better than "mom, we are admittedly sloppy. I'm too busy holding the baby and tired to do anything about it. Would you mind cleaning up after me and dh? Maybe, just maybe, you can hold your grandchild, but I'll have to think about it".

OP here to (hopefully) educate you.

Hubby works 6.5 days a week—has to bring work home on weekends/go into the office (as do i) and he has a second gig. Works 12+ hour days and we had just moved into a 4 story row house in the city a month before I was placed on bedrest. And my first trimester was rough...I don’t know anyone who completely unpacks their home in a month? With only one partner who’s able to do a brunt of the work but you sound like the exception. Good for you!!

Typical day when we were in the NICU:

Wake @ 4 am
Drive to/arrive at hospital by 5 am
Pumped in car en route to hospital to have fresh milk in hand for baby
Hubby took a bus to work @ 7 am during shift change
Mom pumped during shift change and ate breakfast that was packed at 4 am
Back in NICU for 8 am rounds and to cuddle baby/take temps, change diaper
Sometimes docs don’t get to the “healthier” babies until 11 am. Mom sat in one spot for 3 hours.
Pumped at bedside for nurses to store milk.
Hubby arrives at 6 pm. We break for dinner together at 7.
Return at 8 pm and stayed until 10/11pm
Drove home to hit reset again at 4 am

I pumped 8x+ per day.

This just about my every day routine except when I’d pushed my body too far and would be forced to stay home and rest for a few hours.

Now, when would we be making all of this amazing food and sitting around long enough to clean anything in our new home?! ?

You should have absolutely unpacked your home in a month. It’s not that hard. Plenty of people move every day and manage to unpack their home in probably a weekend! The fact you found moving so overwhelming tells me that you’re a typical millennial who struggles at daily living. You’re so entitled you want other people to clean your home like they are your maid!! Women have babies all the time and many babies spend time in the NICU.

You sound jealous that some people have helpful families. Not everyone is as vile as you.

I would never expect others to unpack my moving boxes or clean my toilets. Wtf.

you know you expect that someone should be paid to do it and then you can feel morally supierior.

in any case I lived through the experience of having a sick child in the hospital it is one of the worst experiences of my life and I wouldn't wish it on anyone. (And I was lucky because I had a normal pregnancy and didn't have bed rest or a preemie).

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:How much cleaning needs to done,!? Seriously, do you vacuum every single day or something? 1x/week, right? Dishes go in dishwasher- push 1 button. Sane with laundry. Cooking - op or DJ cant possibly cook? Order out? Crock pot chicken? Take 20 minutes to bake salmon?For 2 grown capable adults? Are you people not able to function with a newborn in the house? So much so, you have to ask people to "help" you . Yea, I get it -with babies/newborns nursing 24/7, diapers, holding them, tapping their butts in hopesthey fall asleep on your shoulder, sleep deprived, but seriously between Op and the dH you cant make this work?
If you want support from family, take a different approach- "Mom, baby seems to be less fussy in the morning. Do you want to come over and take her on a walk? And if you dont mind putting her down for a nap after that would be great. I wanted to run to the store to pick up salad for dinner and catch a few minutes of a nap myself"....works much better than "mom, we are admittedly sloppy. I'm too busy holding the baby and tired to do anything about it. Would you mind cleaning up after me and dh? Maybe, just maybe, you can hold your grandchild, but I'll have to think about it".

OP here to (hopefully) educate you.

Hubby works 6.5 days a week—has to bring work home on weekends/go into the office (as do i) and he has a second gig. Works 12+ hour days and we had just moved into a 4 story row house in the city a month before I was placed on bedrest. And my first trimester was rough...I don’t know anyone who completely unpacks their home in a month? With only one partner who’s able to do a brunt of the work but you sound like the exception. Good for you!!

Typical day when we were in the NICU:

Wake @ 4 am
Drive to/arrive at hospital by 5 am
Pumped in car en route to hospital to have fresh milk in hand for baby
Hubby took a bus to work @ 7 am during shift change
Mom pumped during shift change and ate breakfast that was packed at 4 am
Back in NICU for 8 am rounds and to cuddle baby/take temps, change diaper
Sometimes docs don’t get to the “healthier” babies until 11 am. Mom sat in one spot for 3 hours.
Pumped at bedside for nurses to store milk.
Hubby arrives at 6 pm. We break for dinner together at 7.
Return at 8 pm and stayed until 10/11pm
Drove home to hit reset again at 4 am

I pumped 8x+ per day.

This just about my every day routine except when I’d pushed my body too far and would be forced to stay home and rest for a few hours.

Now, when would we be making all of this amazing food and sitting around long enough to clean anything in our new home?! ?

You had a whole month prior to bedrest to unpack. Your husband could have been cleaning while you were on bedrest. It's bizarre that you hold your mom to a higher standard than yourself and your husband, who lives with you, and apparently does no housework. Sounds like you need to work on your time management. At the end of the day, a baby and your home, are your responsibility.

This. OP is extremely sexist. Expecting her elderly mother to scrub her toilets while her able bodied husband doesn’t lift a finger? No wonder the mom said no.

Seriously you had an entire month to unpack. Plan better next time.

I guess you guys can't read because she said her husband works 6 days a week and she didn't plan on having a difficult pregnancy that ended up needing bed rest.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:WOW! What is with the haters in this thread?
First OP moves, then is on bed rest, then has a premature baby. A full load of bad times. But no one should help her and she should get a cleaning service?
Also the deductibles in all that hospital time is a money suck.

OP here. People are crazy. It’s the internet, I didn’t expect much, but I do appreciate the helpful feedback. The “wacko poster” is making a lot of assumptions about what my husband and I can comfortably afford. I would imagine if they were in the same situation, there’d be more empathy. High risk pregnancies are nothing to take lightly. I commend other families who have made it work and I couldn’t imagine making it through the last year without so many wonderful family and friends. Sounds like Wacko Poster trolls Internet forums to spew hate as a hobby because they don’t have a full life. They’ve spent lots of time on this thread, though it has nothing to do with their life.

You are one of those crazy people. You won't even allow family to take pictures of your baby because she's hooked up to wires? How shallow and selfish are you? There's no reason to be ashamed she was in the NICU.

OP here. Hey wacko poster! Welcome back. Surprised to see you back again, making more inaccurate assumptions. You clearly don’t know much about the NICU experience from a first hand perspective. I wish you well. Thanks for investing so much time on this thread and have a wonderful weekend!

Not that it matters, but I've actually had 3 children in the NICU, and am familiar with the every 2 hours around the clock back and forth visit from home to hospital. So, yes, I find it strange and shallow that you denied your mom photos, as well as all the other things you've complained about. Find a good therapist, it would serve you well.

OP revealed her true colors in her terrible responses.

You and your multiple personalities need to up your medication and seek a new therapist.

Hi, OP! Is this how you speak to your family?

This wasn’t OP. I’m one of many who thinks you’re crazy. Which personality is this?

Someone has multiple personality disorder if they disagree with an OP? Your accusation doesn’t make a lot of sense

Are you a new personality or one of the previous ones?

[Anonymous]

Some troll has gone crazy on this thread.