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[quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous]What worked with my mom was a grey rock approach. Nothing she says affects you. End the call in a happy “I gotta go, let’s talk soon!” if the conversation turns to insults and accusations. Tell her she’s welcome to come visit (on dates when it works for you.)

Expect nothing. Do not engage on social media.

It took my mom about a year to decide to “forgive” me and move on. Embrace your DH’s family and take kindness wherever you can find it. Do not let your mom push you away from people who are showing you kindness. [/quote]

totally this.  my mom is not OP's mom, but she was not able to help me in the way my MIL could after our twins were born.  I accepted help from my MIL and did my best for my parents to know they were included to the best of their abilities. so grateful they never gave me any grief for that.[/quote]

OP here. My MIL—and other women in my life—were able to help in ways that my own mother chose not to/could not. Instead of being grateful that others were able to love on her child, she was mean and bitter about it. Insulting each person behind their backs, making really rude comments, and she even stormed out of my hospital room after demanding an apology for treating other women like they were my mother (followed by a dramatic “since you love them so much, ask them to be your mother”). Crazy.

At one point, she even gave me an ultimatum when she said she wanted to join me during one of my hospital visits but only had 1 hour because “dad needs to be home to watch the football game”....

Honestly, I feel badly for her. She’s not happy and seems to be quite lost. I’m learning that I can’t take that on and make it my problem. But, she’s my mother and I love her, I just know she’s not good for me to be around at this point.

[/quote]

Your mother sounds like a narcissist or someone with borderline personality disorder.  My mother has BPD and I have completely cooled my relationship with her. I've embraced my MIL full speed and have left my mother and her nasty manipulations in the dust.

My mom is local and I wont even spend the holidays with her. I've realized all I have is my little family and all I can do is change their future and get my love from them.

I will not engage and try desperately any longer for my mothers love. I will not degrade myself, nor try to get what I never can have.[/quote]

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