FTM with Unsupportive Family

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:What worked with my mom was a grey rock approach. Nothing she says affects you. End the call in a happy “I gotta go, let’s talk soon!” if the conversation turns to insults and accusations. Tell her she’s welcome to come visit (on dates when it works for you.)

Expect nothing. Do not engage on social media.

It took my mom about a year to decide to “forgive” me and move on. Embrace your DH’s family and take kindness wherever you can find it. Do not let your mom push you away from people who are showing you kindness.

Good advice.

And stop posting anything about family support or not on social media. Or almost anything on social media.

Only post pics of the baby once in a while. It's best if you back away from social media.

OP here. Agree that it’s great advice. I’ve not posted anything about family support on my social accounts, just pics of baby and positive updates about any milestones he hits. Her feathers are ruffled because I’ve not posted anything about her being the best mother ever.

I’m confused OP. Here you refer to your baby as a “he.” Earlier you said “my daughter.” Which is it?

It’s a multitasking mind that meant to add a “s”...she.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I'm a mom and can't imagine not helping my daughter after birth. I would love to cook and clean for her. OP's mom is out of line and is a shitty mom.

You’re clearly not a WASP. It’s a cultural thing. You don’t clean someone else’s house. Nor do you ask someone else to do so. My mom could be on her death bed and would never ask someone else to clean her house. It’s not something that is done. It would be like having a party and asking guests to clean. Other people don’t clean your house. End of story. Her mom was probably embarrassed to have been asked.

I’m as WASP as they come. I come from a wealthy family and had zero help after birth from both my wealthy family and dhs working class family (both white). I was shocked to get no help and I didn’t ask for any. Just visiting me after birth would have been lovely but our families didn’t even do that. They wanted us to travel and spend the night.

Like I said, I can’t imagine helping my daughter or sons out. They’re toddlers and a newborn now but I look forward to it. Truly I don’t mind cleaning or cooking and I’ve done it for a few friends. Friends are more helpful than family often.

No idea about WASPs but I am a French aristocrat and my parents have cleaned for me, just like my uncles and aunts have cleaned for their children, when we were sick or had just given birth.

I think it's not about how elevated your social class is, but how uptight/insecure you are about it

OP here. I agree with you!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:How much cleaning needs to done,!? Seriously, do you vacuum every single day or something? 1x/week, right? Dishes go in dishwasher- push 1 button. Sane with laundry. Cooking - op or DJ cant possibly cook? Order out? Crock pot chicken? Take 20 minutes to bake salmon?For 2 grown capable adults? Are you people not able to function with a newborn in the house? So much so, you have to ask people to "help" you . Yea, I get it -with babies/newborns nursing 24/7, diapers, holding them, tapping their butts in hopesthey fall asleep on your shoulder, sleep deprived, but seriously between Op and the dH you cant make this work?
If you want support from family, take a different approach- "Mom, baby seems to be less fussy in the morning. Do you want to come over and take her on a walk? And if you dont mind putting her down for a nap after that would be great. I wanted to run to the store to pick up salad for dinner and catch a few minutes of a nap myself"....works much better than "mom, we are admittedly sloppy. I'm too busy holding the baby and tired to do anything about it. Would you mind cleaning up after me and dh? Maybe, just maybe, you can hold your grandchild, but I'll have to think about it".

OP here to (hopefully) educate you.

Hubby works 6.5 days a week—has to bring work home on weekends/go into the office (as do i) and he has a second gig. Works 12+ hour days and we had just moved into a 4 story row house in the city a month before I was placed on bedrest. And my first trimester was rough...I don’t know anyone who completely unpacks their home in a month? With only one partner who’s able to do a brunt of the work but you sound like the exception. Good for you!!

Typical day when we were in the NICU:

Wake @ 4 am
Drive to/arrive at hospital by 5 am
Pumped in car en route to hospital to have fresh milk in hand for baby
Hubby took a bus to work @ 7 am during shift change
Mom pumped during shift change and ate breakfast that was packed at 4 am
Back in NICU for 8 am rounds and to cuddle baby/take temps, change diaper
Sometimes docs don’t get to the “healthier” babies until 11 am. Mom sat in one spot for 3 hours.
Pumped at bedside for nurses to store milk.
Hubby arrives at 6 pm. We break for dinner together at 7.
Return at 8 pm and stayed until 10/11pm
Drove home to hit reset again at 4 am

I pumped 8x+ per day.

This just about my every day routine except when I’d pushed my body too far and would be forced to stay home and rest for a few hours.

Now, when would we be making all of this amazing food and sitting around long enough to clean anything in our new home?! ?

[Anonymous]

OP your mother is broken as are the PPs who want to somehow blame you for actually having a response when your mother asked how she could help. You did nothing wrong. Distance yourself from your parents. Good luck

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:She drove out to you while on bedrest and asked how to help you, and you asked her to clean your place? lol it's not surprising she declined. Either sit down and talk to her about how you feel and how you'd like to proceed, or accept that it's always going to be this way. Either way, you can do it without family support. I know it doesn't feel like it right now, but you can do this.

np: What were you and OP’s mother expecting OP to ask for? I can’t think of anything OP would need with more than domestic chores!

Seriously. If you think the OP was out of line, then you clearly have been lucky enough to be spared medical trauma in your life.

I don't think she's out of line for asking, but I do find her reaction strange when she is told no. She did not mention if her mom cooked, picked up dry cleaning, checked the mail, paid bill's, kept her company, or did anything else etc. It's not hard to understand everyone has a limit/preference. Just because you don't mind cleaning and unpacking boxes, doesn't mean everyone else is.

OP here. She did not offer to do anything. She only wanted to visit in the hospital for a few minutes and to take pictures with my child who was attached to tons of wires, when we explained to our loved ones that we’d prefer to not have others take pictures (trauma, PTSD, etc).

Ok you’re insane and now it makes sense why you’ve had problems with your family.

You’re also extremely entitled. No one owes you anything for having a baby. You have a husband. Have him clean and help. If not then hire someone.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:How much cleaning needs to done,!? Seriously, do you vacuum every single day or something? 1x/week, right? Dishes go in dishwasher- push 1 button. Sane with laundry. Cooking - op or DJ cant possibly cook? Order out? Crock pot chicken? Take 20 minutes to bake salmon?For 2 grown capable adults? Are you people not able to function with a newborn in the house? So much so, you have to ask people to "help" you . Yea, I get it -with babies/newborns nursing 24/7, diapers, holding them, tapping their butts in hopesthey fall asleep on your shoulder, sleep deprived, but seriously between Op and the dH you cant make this work?
If you want support from family, take a different approach- "Mom, baby seems to be less fussy in the morning. Do you want to come over and take her on a walk? And if you dont mind putting her down for a nap after that would be great. I wanted to run to the store to pick up salad for dinner and catch a few minutes of a nap myself"....works much better than "mom, we are admittedly sloppy. I'm too busy holding the baby and tired to do anything about it. Would you mind cleaning up after me and dh? Maybe, just maybe, you can hold your grandchild, but I'll have to think about it".

OP here to (hopefully) educate you.

Hubby works 6.5 days a week—has to bring work home on weekends/go into the office (as do i) and he has a second gig. Works 12+ hour days and we had just moved into a 4 story row house in the city a month before I was placed on bedrest. And my first trimester was rough...I don’t know anyone who completely unpacks their home in a month? With only one partner who’s able to do a brunt of the work but you sound like the exception. Good for you!!

Typical day when we were in the NICU:

Wake @ 4 am
Drive to/arrive at hospital by 5 am
Pumped in car en route to hospital to have fresh milk in hand for baby
Hubby took a bus to work @ 7 am during shift change
Mom pumped during shift change and ate breakfast that was packed at 4 am
Back in NICU for 8 am rounds and to cuddle baby/take temps, change diaper
Sometimes docs don’t get to the “healthier” babies until 11 am. Mom sat in one spot for 3 hours.
Pumped at bedside for nurses to store milk.
Hubby arrives at 6 pm. We break for dinner together at 7.
Return at 8 pm and stayed until 10/11pm
Drove home to hit reset again at 4 am

I pumped 8x+ per day.

This just about my every day routine except when I’d pushed my body too far and would be forced to stay home and rest for a few hours.

Now, when would we be making all of this amazing food and sitting around long enough to clean anything in our new home?! ?

Sounds like you should have stopped at sweetgreen on the way home and had a weekly cleaning service.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I'm a mom and can't imagine not helping my daughter after birth. I would love to cook and clean for her. OP's mom is out of line and is a shitty mom.

You’re clearly not a WASP. It’s a cultural thing. You don’t clean someone else’s house. Nor do you ask someone else to do so. My mom could be on her death bed and would never ask someone else to clean her house. It’s not something that is done. It would be like having a party and asking guests to clean. Other people don’t clean your house. End of story. Her mom was probably embarrassed to have been asked.

I’m as WASP as they come. I come from a wealthy family and had zero help after birth from both my wealthy family and dhs working class family (both white). I was shocked to get no help and I didn’t ask for any. Just visiting me after birth would have been lovely but our families didn’t even do that. They wanted us to travel and spend the night.

Like I said, I can’t imagine helping my daughter or sons out. They’re toddlers and a newborn now but I look forward to it. Truly I don’t mind cleaning or cooking and I’ve done it for a few friends. Friends are more helpful than family often.

I think you might be surprised when you get older. I mean technically your elderly parents could use help cleaning their house, right? Are you going over and cleaning it or are you merely visiting them?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:She drove out to you while on bedrest and asked how to help you, and you asked her to clean your place? lol it's not surprising she declined. Either sit down and talk to her about how you feel and how you'd like to proceed, or accept that it's always going to be this way. Either way, you can do it without family support. I know it doesn't feel like it right now, but you can do this.

np: What were you and OP’s mother expecting OP to ask for? I can’t think of anything OP would need with more than domestic chores!

People usually envision food in these scenarios, not cleaning.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:She drove out to you while on bedrest and asked how to help you, and you asked her to clean your place? lol it's not surprising she declined. Either sit down and talk to her about how you feel and how you'd like to proceed, or accept that it's always going to be this way. Either way, you can do it without family support. I know it doesn't feel like it right now, but you can do this.

np: What were you and OP’s mother expecting OP to ask for? I can’t think of anything OP would need with more than domestic chores!

Seriously. If you think the OP was out of line, then you clearly have been lucky enough to be spared medical trauma in your life.

I don't think she's out of line for asking, but I do find her reaction strange when she is told no. She did not mention if her mom cooked, picked up dry cleaning, checked the mail, paid bill's, kept her company, or did anything else etc. It's not hard to understand everyone has a limit/preference. Just because you don't mind cleaning and unpacking boxes, doesn't mean everyone else is.

OP here. She did not offer to do anything. She only wanted to visit in the hospital for a few minutes and to take pictures with my child who was attached to tons of wires, when we explained to our loved ones that we’d prefer to not have others take pictures (trauma, PTSD, etc).

Ok you’re insane and now it makes sense why you’ve had problems with your family.

You’re also extremely entitled. No one owes you anything for having a baby. You have a husband. Have him clean and help. If not then hire someone.

You are insane for suggesting OP should let others play grandma of the year for taking photos of a child hooked up to wires and then probably splashing it over fb to gain some sympathy points. Yes grandma is there to help make ops life better, if not don’t bother coming or even offering. As for you you sound unhinged, hope karma bites you in the axx.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:How much cleaning needs to done,!? Seriously, do you vacuum every single day or something? 1x/week, right? Dishes go in dishwasher- push 1 button. Sane with laundry. Cooking - op or DJ cant possibly cook? Order out? Crock pot chicken? Take 20 minutes to bake salmon?For 2 grown capable adults? Are you people not able to function with a newborn in the house? So much so, you have to ask people to "help" you . Yea, I get it -with babies/newborns nursing 24/7, diapers, holding them, tapping their butts in hopesthey fall asleep on your shoulder, sleep deprived, but seriously between Op and the dH you cant make this work?
If you want support from family, take a different approach- "Mom, baby seems to be less fussy in the morning. Do you want to come over and take her on a walk? And if you dont mind putting her down for a nap after that would be great. I wanted to run to the store to pick up salad for dinner and catch a few minutes of a nap myself"....works much better than "mom, we are admittedly sloppy. I'm too busy holding the baby and tired to do anything about it. Would you mind cleaning up after me and dh? Maybe, just maybe, you can hold your grandchild, but I'll have to think about it".

OP here to (hopefully) educate you.

Hubby works 6.5 days a week—has to bring work home on weekends/go into the office (as do i) and he has a second gig. Works 12+ hour days and we had just moved into a 4 story row house in the city a month before I was placed on bedrest. And my first trimester was rough...I don’t know anyone who completely unpacks their home in a month? With only one partner who’s able to do a brunt of the work but you sound like the exception. Good for you!!

Typical day when we were in the NICU:

Wake @ 4 am
Drive to/arrive at hospital by 5 am
Pumped in car en route to hospital to have fresh milk in hand for baby
Hubby took a bus to work @ 7 am during shift change
Mom pumped during shift change and ate breakfast that was packed at 4 am
Back in NICU for 8 am rounds and to cuddle baby/take temps, change diaper
Sometimes docs don’t get to the “healthier” babies until 11 am. Mom sat in one spot for 3 hours.
Pumped at bedside for nurses to store milk.
Hubby arrives at 6 pm. We break for dinner together at 7.
Return at 8 pm and stayed until 10/11pm
Drove home to hit reset again at 4 am

I pumped 8x+ per day.

This just about my every day routine except when I’d pushed my body too far and would be forced to stay home and rest for a few hours.

Now, when would we be making all of this amazing food and sitting around long enough to clean anything in our new home?! ?

Sounds like you should have stopped at sweetgreen on the way home and had a weekly cleaning service.

Not OP but eating take out and a weekly cleaning service assumes that OP had the money for those things. That’s a big assumption especially since it doesn’t seem like she was working.

[Anonymous]

Pull back a bit and focus on your infant for now. Continue to work on setting healthy boundaries with your family.

From experience I would suggest when you are ready to invite them to somewhere neutral to visit with the baby. Somewhere you can get up and leave from if needed. Should all go well, try and get pictures of them with the baby & yes post on social media.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I'm a mom and can't imagine not helping my daughter after birth. I would love to cook and clean for her. OP's mom is out of line and is a shitty mom.

You’re clearly not a WASP. It’s a cultural thing. You don’t clean someone else’s house. Nor do you ask someone else to do so. My mom could be on her death bed and would never ask someone else to clean her house. It’s not something that is done. It would be like having a party and asking guests to clean. Other people don’t clean your house. End of story. Her mom was probably embarrassed to have been asked.

I’m as WASP as they come. I come from a wealthy family and had zero help after birth from both my wealthy family and dhs working class family (both white). I was shocked to get no help and I didn’t ask for any. Just visiting me after birth would have been lovely but our families didn’t even do that. They wanted us to travel and spend the night.

Like I said, I can’t imagine helping my daughter or sons out. They’re toddlers and a newborn now but I look forward to it. Truly I don’t mind cleaning or cooking and I’ve done it for a few friends. Friends are more helpful than family often.

I think you might be surprised when you get older. I mean technically your elderly parents could use help cleaning their house, right? Are you going over and cleaning it or are you merely visiting them?

Elderly parents? My parents are late 50s when my kids were born. I have coworkers still working at that age and manage.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I'm a mom and can't imagine not helping my daughter after birth. I would love to cook and clean for her. OP's mom is out of line and is a shitty mom.

You’re clearly not a WASP. It’s a cultural thing. You don’t clean someone else’s house. Nor do you ask someone else to do so. My mom could be on her death bed and would never ask someone else to clean her house. It’s not something that is done. It would be like having a party and asking guests to clean. Other people don’t clean your house. End of story. Her mom was probably embarrassed to have been asked.

I’m as WASP as they come. I come from a wealthy family and had zero help after birth from both my wealthy family and dhs working class family (both white). I was shocked to get no help and I didn’t ask for any. Just visiting me after birth would have been lovely but our families didn’t even do that. They wanted us to travel and spend the night.

Like I said, I can’t imagine helping my daughter or sons out. They’re toddlers and a newborn now but I look forward to it. Truly I don’t mind cleaning or cooking and I’ve done it for a few friends. Friends are more helpful than family often.

I think you might be surprised when you get older. I mean technically your elderly parents could use help cleaning their house, right? Are you going over and cleaning it or are you merely visiting them?

Elderly parents? My parents are late 50s when my kids were born. I have coworkers still working at that age and manage.

Most urban professionals don’t have parents in their 50s.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP your mother is broken as are the PPs who want to somehow blame you for actually having a response when your mother asked how she could help. You did nothing wrong. Distance yourself from your parents. Good luck

OP should distance herself from everyone. No one is good enough. Between wanting to take photos of the child and not helping clean OP’s house, there’s no way anything will ever be enough for OP.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:How much cleaning needs to done,!? Seriously, do you vacuum every single day or something? 1x/week, right? Dishes go in dishwasher- push 1 button. Sane with laundry. Cooking - op or DJ cant possibly cook? Order out? Crock pot chicken? Take 20 minutes to bake salmon?For 2 grown capable adults? Are you people not able to function with a newborn in the house? So much so, you have to ask people to "help" you . Yea, I get it -with babies/newborns nursing 24/7, diapers, holding them, tapping their butts in hopesthey fall asleep on your shoulder, sleep deprived, but seriously between Op and the dH you cant make this work?
If you want support from family, take a different approach- "Mom, baby seems to be less fussy in the morning. Do you want to come over and take her on a walk? And if you dont mind putting her down for a nap after that would be great. I wanted to run to the store to pick up salad for dinner and catch a few minutes of a nap myself"....works much better than "mom, we are admittedly sloppy. I'm too busy holding the baby and tired to do anything about it. Would you mind cleaning up after me and dh? Maybe, just maybe, you can hold your grandchild, but I'll have to think about it".

OP here to (hopefully) educate you.

Hubby works 6.5 days a week—has to bring work home on weekends/go into the office (as do i) and he has a second gig. Works 12+ hour days and we had just moved into a 4 story row house in the city a month before I was placed on bedrest. And my first trimester was rough...I don’t know anyone who completely unpacks their home in a month? With only one partner who’s able to do a brunt of the work but you sound like the exception. Good for you!!

Typical day when we were in the NICU:

Wake @ 4 am
Drive to/arrive at hospital by 5 am
Pumped in car en route to hospital to have fresh milk in hand for baby
Hubby took a bus to work @ 7 am during shift change
Mom pumped during shift change and ate breakfast that was packed at 4 am
Back in NICU for 8 am rounds and to cuddle baby/take temps, change diaper
Sometimes docs don’t get to the “healthier” babies until 11 am. Mom sat in one spot for 3 hours.
Pumped at bedside for nurses to store milk.
Hubby arrives at 6 pm. We break for dinner together at 7.
Return at 8 pm and stayed until 10/11pm
Drove home to hit reset again at 4 am

I pumped 8x+ per day.

This just about my every day routine except when I’d pushed my body too far and would be forced to stay home and rest for a few hours.

Now, when would we be making all of this amazing food and sitting around long enough to clean anything in our new home?! ?

You should have absolutely unpacked your home in a month. It’s not that hard. Plenty of people move every day and manage to unpack their home in probably a weekend! The fact you found moving so overwhelming tells me that you’re a typical millennial who struggles at daily living. You’re so entitled you want other people to clean your home like they are your maid!! Women have babies all the time and many babies spend time in the NICU.