FTM with Unsupportive Family

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:She drove out to you while on bedrest and asked how to help you, and you asked her to clean your place? lol it's not surprising she declined. Either sit down and talk to her about how you feel and how you'd like to proceed, or accept that it's always going to be this way. Either way, you can do it without family support. I know it doesn't feel like it right now, but you can do this.

np: What were you and OP’s mother expecting OP to ask for? I can’t think of anything OP would need with more than domestic chores!

Seriously. If you think the OP was out of line, then you clearly have been lucky enough to be spared medical trauma in your life.

I don't think she's out of line for asking, but I do find her reaction strange when she is told no. She did not mention if her mom cooked, picked up dry cleaning, checked the mail, paid bill's, kept her company, or did anything else etc. It's not hard to understand everyone has a limit/preference. Just because you don't mind cleaning and unpacking boxes, doesn't mean everyone else is.

[Anonymous]

I'm a mom and can't imagine not helping my daughter after birth. I would love to cook and clean for her. OP's mom is out of line and is a shitty mom.

[Anonymous]

Hey OP I can TOTALLY relate! In fact, it is somewhat healing for me to hear that the sh*t my mom does to me (aka, accuses me of loving my husbands family more because they are more functional and do more to help us without causing drama) is actually something that someone, somewhere can relate to as most of my friends are shocked when they hear this from me!

Anyways, I may be you in the future. I've since had 3 more children and have come to terms (through extensive therapy started about a year after I had my first child) with the fact that my mother is never going to be able to give me the love or emotional attunement that I wanted. It has taken a long road and a lot of tears from me, but I now realize I need to focus on my own family (husband and children) and do not engage with the craziness and meanness that is my mother and father. It sucks, but I needed to give up the fantasy of nice parents in order to stay sane. It sounds like you're on the same path. Its hard to realize this when we are so vulnerable with our young children as first time moms, but I think the signs are so clear in front of you that she is mean and will not change that its impossible to ignore now.

The book Boundaries really helped me, as did weekly therapy for years and talking to my priest about it.

Good luck! You dont deserve to be treated like that.

ps- my mom is currently blocked on my iPhone after a recent tirade against me leaving her out of a group event and not telling her things. It feels SO GOOD and I dont think I will unblock her anytime soon.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:She drove out to you while on bedrest and asked how to help you, and you asked her to clean your place? lol it's not surprising she declined. Either sit down and talk to her about how you feel and how you'd like to proceed, or accept that it's always going to be this way. Either way, you can do it without family support. I know it doesn't feel like it right now, but you can do this.

np: What were you and OP’s mother expecting OP to ask for? I can’t think of anything OP would need with more than domestic chores!

Seriously. If you think the OP was out of line, then you clearly have been lucky enough to be spared medical trauma in your life.

I don't think she's out of line for asking, but I do find her reaction strange when she is told no. She did not mention if her mom cooked, picked up dry cleaning, checked the mail, paid bill's, kept her company, or did anything else etc. It's not hard to understand everyone has a limit/preference. Just because you don't mind cleaning and unpacking boxes, doesn't mean everyone else is.

What reaction? Her mom is the one who seems to have been offended by the suggestion. OP asked for totally normal things that anyone in her position would need and would hope they could ask an offering family member to help with.

OP I sympathize. My parents are completely useless. Not bad people, just not at all helpful. We have 3 kids under 5 and my mom wants gold stars/constant accolades for volunteering to take the oldest to a playground one block from our house for an hour once during her visit. I always say something along the lines of "that sounds great," but that's apparently not enough because I'm not thankful enough/don't acknowledge how helpful she is. Well, actually, taking my oldest kid for 1 hour is completely fine and good for grandkid-grandma bonding, but it's not actually all that helpful/doesn't really free me up to do anything I couldn't do otherwise. Now, taking all 3 or even just the 2 non-babies? Sure, very helpful or quite helpful... but just the easiest kid for only 1 hour?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:It was totally normal of you to think you could ask your mother to do your laundry and unpack for you when you were on bedrest.

Totally normal to not allow unvaccinated people or smokers around a baby (even if not a preemie).

YOU ARE NORMAL. Your parents are NUTS.

Focus on your friends and husband's family and your baby. Block/ignore your family.

Yeah it sounds like they care more about appearing to be a good grandparent than actually being a good grandparent.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:She drove out to you while on bedrest and asked how to help you, and you asked her to clean your place? lol it's not surprising she declined. Either sit down and talk to her about how you feel and how you'd like to proceed, or accept that it's always going to be this way. Either way, you can do it without family support. I know it doesn't feel like it right now, but you can do this.

np: What were you and OP’s mother expecting OP to ask for? I can’t think of anything OP would need with more than domestic chores!

Seriously. If you think the OP was out of line, then you clearly have been lucky enough to be spared medical trauma in your life.

I don't think she's out of line for asking, but I do find her reaction strange when she is told no. She did not mention if her mom cooked, picked up dry cleaning, checked the mail, paid bill's, kept her company, or did anything else etc. It's not hard to understand everyone has a limit/preference. Just because you don't mind cleaning and unpacking boxes, doesn't mean everyone else is.

I don't know why you are so fixated on this. Had the mom said "look I can't do laundry but I will do x y and z instead" that would have been one thing but the mother basically insulted her daughter for accepting an offer of help WHILE SHE WAS ON BEDREST.

[Anonymous]

Focus on yourself and your baby. Your mom is trying to make this about her and get attention. Tell her you love her, but your relationship isn't in a good place and you need too focus on your family.

And to the PPs who don understand what helping someone on bed rest is: she couldn't move. She needed help with daily chores that require movement. FFS. And no, I don't enjoy cleaning. I enjoy helping someone and making their situation less stressful. I doubt many people truly love the act of scrubbing a toilet.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Focus on yourself and your baby. Your mom is trying to make this about her and get attention. Tell her you love her, but your relationship isn't in a good place and you need too focus on your family.

And to the PPs who don understand what helping someone on bed rest is: she couldn't move. She needed help with daily chores that require movement. FFS. And no, I don't enjoy cleaning. I enjoy helping someone and making their situation less stressful. I doubt many people truly love the act of scrubbing a toilet.

This.

It says something positive and powerful about a relationship when you can be asked to do this kind of assistance, and when you just stand up and do what needs to be done. We all need people like this in our lives, and I am sad for the OP that her mom is not on her short list.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:What worked with my mom was a grey rock approach. Nothing she says affects you. End the call in a happy “I gotta go, let’s talk soon!” if the conversation turns to insults and accusations. Tell her she’s welcome to come visit (on dates when it works for you.)

Expect nothing. Do not engage on social media.

It took my mom about a year to decide to “forgive” me and move on. Embrace your DH’s family and take kindness wherever you can find it. Do not let your mom push you away from people who are showing you kindness.

Good advice.

And stop posting anything about family support or not on social media. Or almost anything on social media.

Only post pics of the baby once in a while. It's best if you back away from social media.

OP here. Agree that it’s great advice. I’ve not posted anything about family support on my social accounts, just pics of baby and positive updates about any milestones he hits. Her feathers are ruffled because I’ve not posted anything about her being the best mother ever.

I’m confused OP. Here you refer to your baby as a “he.” Earlier you said “my daughter.” Which is it?

[Anonymous]

Maybe she's being ambiguous about the baby's gender for a reason. Does it really make any difference whether grandma sucks with helping out upon the birth of her grandson or granddaughter?

OP- I'm so sorry to hear about what you're going through. Friends can often be far more of a rock than blood relations, and I'm glad to hear you've got some good ones. Your post reminds me about the need to really pay attention, step up, and come through for people when they hint or outright ask for some help.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Maybe she's being ambiguous about the baby's gender for a reason. Does it really make any difference whether grandma sucks with helping out upon the birth of her grandson or granddaughter?

OP- I'm so sorry to hear about what you're going through. Friends can often be far more of a rock than blood relations, and I'm glad to hear you've got some good ones. Your post reminds me about the need to really pay attention, step up, and come through for people when they hint or outright ask for some help.

It makes a difference if she’s a troll.

[Anonymous]

I second the recommendation for the book Boundaries. And parenting books such as "How To Talk so Kids Will Listen and Listen So Kids Will Talk" and "Between Parent and Child" that address how to foster a close relationship. You need to research and understand what a positive parenting/child relationship looks and feels like so you can develop that with your own child.

Highly suggest personal therapy for you.

Many of us only have come to terms with our parents when we have become parents ourselves. Having your own child makes you think about the parent/child relationship and also gives you much less time/patience/willingness to deal with the crazy.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:She drove out to you while on bedrest and asked how to help you, and you asked her to clean your place? lol it's not surprising she declined. Either sit down and talk to her about how you feel and how you'd like to proceed, or accept that it's always going to be this way. Either way, you can do it without family support. I know it doesn't feel like it right now, but you can do this.

np: What were you and OP’s mother expecting OP to ask for? I can’t think of anything OP would need with more than domestic chores!

Totally agree! When someone offers help, does it mean it has to be something convenient? OP needed help with chores and I don’t understand what’s the big deal to do laundry for your own daughter, who is dealing with something hard? What’s wrong with you, people??????

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:She drove out to you while on bedrest and asked how to help you, and you asked her to clean your place? lol it's not surprising she declined. Either sit down and talk to her about how you feel and how you'd like to proceed, or accept that it's always going to be this way. Either way, you can do it without family support. I know it doesn't feel like it right now, but you can do this.

np: What were you and OP’s mother expecting OP to ask for? I can’t think of anything OP would need with more than domestic chores!

Why cant OP DH clean and unpack?

SHE ASKED HOW TO HELP!!! Good lord what did she think her daughter would say? Oh mom how about you just sit there and watch Netflix while I seethe with anxiety inside about all the things I can't physically do but desperately want to? I'm not OP but man you people are so quick to judge.

Oh, please. You think IP wants to desperately unpack? OP had a whole month to unpack, and did not. If OP and her DH didn't unpack in that time, why would anyone else?

Wow, there are just some awful people in this world. I am so glad you are not my friends/family PP. How awful can you be. Yikes.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:She drove out to you while on bedrest and asked how to help you, and you asked her to clean your place? lol it's not surprising she declined. Either sit down and talk to her about how you feel and how you'd like to proceed, or accept that it's always going to be this way. Either way, you can do it without family support. I know it doesn't feel like it right now, but you can do this.

np: What were you and OP’s mother expecting OP to ask for? I can’t think of anything OP would need with more than domestic chores!

Why cant OP DH clean and unpack?

+100

Keep in mind, OP, people make this "offer" all the time. "Larla, I'm sorry to hear you're on bedrest. Is there any thing I can do to help?" really translates into "Sorry youre on bedrest. Sending good vibes your way. Text me when things change". They don't literally want to be your maid service by unpacking your house, doing your laundry, cleaning your bathroom, etc. C'mon OP.
Plus, she probably figured you were being dramatic with bedrest. A lot of times that older generation is so far removed from pregnancy (well, back when I was pregnant I still kept up with the house, cooking, and subsequent kids all while smoking cigrettes), that the term bedrest just seems like an excuse to lay around with overly protective doctors monitoring you.

Another perspective on this is that sometimes people freeze up and distance themselves when a family member is in a stressful situation (like your LO born premature/NICU). They don't know what to say or do so they do nothing. In fact, they might put up an emotional wall/go into denial. It's not uncommon for them to turn the situation into being about them instead offering to help.

No hon, that's just you who thinks like that and your ilk. Most healthy peoplenmeannwhatbthey say and actually get JOY from helping others.

I'm guessing altruism is not something you comprehend.

I strongly disagree. Asking how you can help us kind of a social nicety. It’s something you do. But you don’t actually expect someone to tell you to clean their house. Most likely, OP has $100 to pay someone to clean her house. Her mom is not a cleaning service.

From other things OP wrote, she sounds entitled.