FTM with Unsupportive Family

[Anonymous]

I’m a first time parent of a baby born very prematurely (26 weeks, to be exact).

I live about 40 minutes from most of my family and my mom was the only person who visited me while I was in the hospital for 15 days and while my baby was in the NICU for 3+ months.

And she wasn’t exactly the most empathetic and supportive person throughout my pregnancy and delivery. Examples: 1) she was upset that my friends came to visit me the hospital and 2) when she asked how she could help me while I was on bedrest, I told her I’d appreciate her helping me to do my laundry and straighten my house...her response was that she’s not my maid! 3) she called once I was discharged from the hospital and said she really wants to see her grandbaby but knew that I’d have to go with her and said never mind 4) she believes that I “bragged” about all of the support coming from my husband’s family when in fact, I was just trying to focus on good things happening in the midst of so much trauma 5) my father basically told me that he wants nothing to do with my family because I’ve hurt my mother.

It’s been a pretty traumatic and exhausting journey to parenthood and I am struggling to come to terms with the lack of family support. Even more heartbreaking is thinking about my daughter not having a relationship with my family.

When I try to create peace, my mother says that I need to apologize to my family for being so rigid about people needing to be vaccinated and not smoke around my baby (doctors orders). My father told me that she’s embarrassed when people ask about us because she can’t say that she sees us very often. He also encouraged me to post “something nice” on social media to make her feel better. She’s basically making herself out to be a victim.

This feels so crazy to me. I just want peace in my life and I would love to feel like my family is supportive of me, as I have been there for them.

Any thoughts on how to make things better?

[Anonymous]

Not going to happen. Accept it and move on. You are on your own.

[Anonymous]

You have every right to cut them off for a few years. They've proven themselves to be supremely superficial and narcissistic. I'd block them on social media and just go radio silent. You do not need their drama.

I've had a NICU baby (born at 36 weeks) and even that was pretty stressful. I can't imagine the ordeal you had to go through. These people are toxic. Cut them loose.

[Anonymous]

She drove out to you while on bedrest and asked how to help you, and you asked her to clean your place? lol it's not surprising she declined. Either sit down and talk to her about how you feel and how you'd like to proceed, or accept that it's always going to be this way. Either way, you can do it without family support. I know it doesn't feel like it right now, but you can do this.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:She drove out to you while on bedrest and asked how to help you, and you asked her to clean your place? lol it's not surprising she declined. Either sit down and talk to her about how you feel and how you'd like to proceed, or accept that it's always going to be this way. Either way, you can do it without family support. I know it doesn't feel like it right now, but you can do this.

My original post may have been confusing. I told her I was placed on bedrest and she asked how she could be helpful. I responded that I could use help organizing my stuff, with laundry, and unpacking. We had just moved into our first home a month prior and I hadn’t completely unpacked. I was told by my OB that I shouldn’t even unload the dishwasher so I was very limited in what I could do (and scared to move
And pretty depressed).

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:She drove out to you while on bedrest and asked how to help you, and you asked her to clean your place? lol it's not surprising she declined. Either sit down and talk to her about how you feel and how you'd like to proceed, or accept that it's always going to be this way. Either way, you can do it without family support. I know it doesn't feel like it right now, but you can do this.

np: What were you and OP’s mother expecting OP to ask for? I can’t think of anything OP would need with more than domestic chores!

[Anonymous]

Let’s be clear that there is nothing rigid about expecting visitors to your baby to have vaccinations and not to smoke — preemie or not.

That’s some serious self-absorption, self-delusion, and/or gaslighting by your mom.

[Anonymous]

It was totally normal of you to think you could ask your mother to do your laundry and unpack for you when you were on bedrest.

Totally normal to not allow unvaccinated people or smokers around a baby (even if not a preemie).

YOU ARE NORMAL. Your parents are NUTS.

Focus on your friends and husband's family and your baby. Block/ignore your family.

[Anonymous]

What worked with my mom was a grey rock approach. Nothing she says affects you. End the call in a happy “I gotta go, let’s talk soon!” if the conversation turns to insults and accusations. Tell her she’s welcome to come visit (on dates when it works for you.)

Expect nothing. Do not engage on social media.

It took my mom about a year to decide to “forgive” me and move on. Embrace your DH’s family and take kindness wherever you can find it. Do not let your mom push you away from people who are showing you kindness.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:She drove out to you while on bedrest and asked how to help you, and you asked her to clean your place? lol it's not surprising she declined. Either sit down and talk to her about how you feel and how you'd like to proceed, or accept that it's always going to be this way. Either way, you can do it without family support. I know it doesn't feel like it right now, but you can do this.

Okay, PP, I think you've missed the mark. When a good friend was on bed rest with her third - her twin boys were 8 - I asked how can I help. She wanted me to bake a cheesecake and clean the kitchen. Would've never guessed cheesecake, but that's what she asked for and that is how I helped her. I don't even understand how you think OP was out of line. I would assume that someone on bed rest needs helps with domestic chores, especially if they just moved. If you don't want to help someone, don't ask how you can be of help - offer a specific task that suits your fancy.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:What worked with my mom was a grey rock approach. Nothing she says affects you. End the call in a happy “I gotta go, let’s talk soon!” if the conversation turns to insults and accusations. Tell her she’s welcome to come visit (on dates when it works for you.)

Expect nothing. Do not engage on social media.

It took my mom about a year to decide to “forgive” me and move on. Embrace your DH’s family and take kindness wherever you can find it. Do not let your mom push you away from people who are showing you kindness.

totally this. my mom is not OP's mom, but she was not able to help me in the way my MIL could after our twins were born. I accepted help from my MIL and did my best for my parents to know they were included to the best of their abilities. so grateful they never gave me any grief for that.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:What worked with my mom was a grey rock approach. Nothing she says affects you. End the call in a happy “I gotta go, let’s talk soon!” if the conversation turns to insults and accusations. Tell her she’s welcome to come visit (on dates when it works for you.)

Expect nothing. Do not engage on social media.

It took my mom about a year to decide to “forgive” me and move on. Embrace your DH’s family and take kindness wherever you can find it. Do not let your mom push you away from people who are showing you kindness.

totally this. my mom is not OP's mom, but she was not able to help me in the way my MIL could after our twins were born. I accepted help from my MIL and did my best for my parents to know they were included to the best of their abilities. so grateful they never gave me any grief for that.

OP here. My MIL—and other women in my life—were able to help in ways that my own mother chose not to/could not. Instead of being grateful that others were able to love on her child, she was mean and bitter about it. Insulting each person behind their backs, making really rude comments, and she even stormed out of my hospital room after demanding an apology for treating other women like they were my mother (followed by a dramatic “since you love them so much, ask them to be your mother”). Crazy.

At one point, she even gave me an ultimatum when she said she wanted to join me during one of my hospital visits but only had 1 hour because “dad needs to be home to watch the football game”....

Honestly, I feel badly for her. She’s not happy and seems to be quite lost. I’m learning that I can’t take that on and make it my problem. But, she’s my mother and I love her, I just know she’s not good for me to be around at this point.

[Anonymous]

Right now, your baby gets your full focus and attention. She'll have many appointments and therapies in the next year, you'll have hospital bills and insurance claims to settle, both of those precede family drama.

You can take a break from you mom. You can't fix her and shouldn't waste the emotion right now.

Congrats on getting your little girl home. We also had a 3-4 month NICU stay and even the most emotionally resilient struggle to get through. It's time for your new little family to grow and get stronger.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:What worked with my mom was a grey rock approach. Nothing she says affects you. End the call in a happy “I gotta go, let’s talk soon!” if the conversation turns to insults and accusations. Tell her she’s welcome to come visit (on dates when it works for you.)

Expect nothing. Do not engage on social media.

It took my mom about a year to decide to “forgive” me and move on. Embrace your DH’s family and take kindness wherever you can find it. Do not let your mom push you away from people who are showing you kindness.

Good advice.

And stop posting anything about family support or not on social media. Or almost anything on social media.

Only post pics of the baby once in a while. It's best if you back away from social media.

[Anonymous]

OP I can’t imagine the stress and strain. Try to just give yourself as much space from your mom as you can get. I bet later you will make your peace about this chapter and with her.