FTM with Unsupportive Family

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I'm a mom and can't imagine not helping my daughter after birth. I would love to cook and clean for her. OP's mom is out of line and is a shitty mom.

You’re clearly not a WASP. It’s a cultural thing. You don’t clean someone else’s house. Nor do you ask someone else to do so. My mom could be on her death bed and would never ask someone else to clean her house. It’s not something that is done. It would be like having a party and asking guests to clean. Other people don’t clean your house. End of story. Her mom was probably embarrassed to have been asked.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I’m a first time parent of a baby born very prematurely (26 weeks, to be exact).

I live about 40 minutes from most of my family and my mom was the only person who visited me while I was in the hospital for 15 days and while my baby was in the NICU for 3+ months.

And she wasn’t exactly the most empathetic and supportive person throughout my pregnancy and delivery. Examples: 1) she was upset that my friends came to visit me the hospital and 2) when she asked how she could help me while I was on bedrest, I told her I’d appreciate her helping me to do my laundry and straighten my house...her response was that she’s not my maid! 3) she called once I was discharged from the hospital and said she really wants to see her grandbaby but knew that I’d have to go with her and said never mind 4) she believes that I “bragged” about all of the support coming from my husband’s family when in fact, I was just trying to focus on good things happening in the midst of so much trauma 5) my father basically told me that he wants nothing to do with my family because I’ve hurt my mother.

It’s been a pretty traumatic and exhausting journey to parenthood and I am struggling to come to terms with the lack of family support. Even more heartbreaking is thinking about my daughter not having a relationship with my family.

When I try to create peace, my mother says that I need to apologize to my family for being so rigid about people needing to be vaccinated and not smoke around my baby (doctors orders). My father told me that she’s embarrassed when people ask about us because she can’t say that she sees us very often. He also encouraged me to post “something nice” on social media to make her feel better. She’s basically making herself out to be a victim.

This feels so crazy to me. I just want peace in my life and I would love to feel like my family is supportive of me, as I have been there for them.

Any thoughts on how to make things better?

It’s really easy to read between the lines here. You’re entitled and are overreacting about some comments. Your parents aren’t helpful and don’t feel like they should be helping you the way you think they should be. There are two sides to ever story. I wouldn’t ruin a relationship with family because they won’t clean your house (who asks this?!) or say a few rude comments. You honestly sound a lot alike to me.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I'm a mom and can't imagine not helping my daughter after birth. I would love to cook and clean for her. OP's mom is out of line and is a shitty mom.

You’re clearly not a WASP. It’s a cultural thing. You don’t clean someone else’s house. Nor do you ask someone else to do so. My mom could be on her death bed and would never ask someone else to clean her house. It’s not something that is done. It would be like having a party and asking guests to clean. Other people don’t clean your house. End of story. Her mom was probably embarrassed to have been asked.

If your mother is on her death bed, you SHOULD clean her house. Other people don’t clean your house, but you as her daughter have this responsibility to take her of your mother. Normal families DO help each other out.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:She drove out to you while on bedrest and asked how to help you, and you asked her to clean your place? lol it's not surprising she declined. Either sit down and talk to her about how you feel and how you'd like to proceed, or accept that it's always going to be this way. Either way, you can do it without family support. I know it doesn't feel like it right now, but you can do this.

np: What were you and OP’s mother expecting OP to ask for? I can’t think of anything OP would need with more than domestic chores!

Why cant OP DH clean and unpack?

+100

Keep in mind, OP, people make this "offer" all the time. "Larla, I'm sorry to hear you're on bedrest. Is there any thing I can do to help?" really translates into "Sorry youre on bedrest. Sending good vibes your way. Text me when things change". They don't literally want to be your maid service by unpacking your house, doing your laundry, cleaning your bathroom, etc. C'mon OP.
Plus, she probably figured you were being dramatic with bedrest. A lot of times that older generation is so far removed from pregnancy (well, back when I was pregnant I still kept up with the house, cooking, and subsequent kids all while smoking cigrettes), that the term bedrest just seems like an excuse to lay around with overly protective doctors monitoring you.

Another perspective on this is that sometimes people freeze up and distance themselves when a family member is in a stressful situation (like your LO born premature/NICU). They don't know what to say or do so they do nothing. In fact, they might put up an emotional wall/go into denial. It's not uncommon for them to turn the situation into being about them instead offering to help.

No hon, that's just you who thinks like that and your ilk. Most healthy peoplenmeannwhatbthey say and actually get JOY from helping others.

I'm guessing altruism is not something you comprehend.

I strongly disagree. Asking how you can help us kind of a social nicety. It’s something you do. But you don’t actually expect someone to tell you to clean their house. Most likely, OP has $100 to pay someone to clean her house. Her mom is not a cleaning service.

From other things OP wrote, she sounds entitled.

You sound like you could be OP's mom. I'm thankful for my own mom and MIL who came and pitched in around the house when I was on bedrest after major surgery. Laundry, cooking, babysitting, the works.

[Anonymous]

The thing is, these are probably people with no clue whatsoever.

I would read her the riot act, and explain to your father and all other close relatives as well, that a PREMATURE baby, especially such an extremely premature child, is medically fragile, that you are understandably depressed and anxious about your child, and in postpartum recovery to boot.

There's nothing to lose at this point, so I would make damn well sure to point out how unhelpful and emotionally unsupportive they've been in your time of need, and how it has cut deep and you won't forget and forgive in a hurry.

People who are ignorant about childbirth and prematurity just can't guess how hard it is. Sometimes they need to hear the unvarnished truth.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:The thing is, these are probably people with no clue whatsoever.

I would read her the riot act, and explain to your father and all other close relatives as well, that a PREMATURE baby, especially such an extremely premature child, is medically fragile, that you are understandably depressed and anxious about your child, and in postpartum recovery to boot.

There's nothing to lose at this point, so I would make damn well sure to point out how unhelpful and emotionally unsupportive they've been in your time of need, and how it has cut deep and you won't forget and forgive in a hurry.

People who are ignorant about childbirth and prematurity just can't guess how hard it is. Sometimes they need to hear the unvarnished truth.

PP again - I had a 32 week old preemie, and my parents were very helpful. However, I've had clashes with them concerning other challenging situations in my life that they could not understand and during which my mother was cruel and my father clueless. I had to raise my voice, explain things firmly and place blame squarely where it belonged, ie, on them. They would never have understood my challenges otherwise! They never actually apologized for the worst episode, but after I ended my 3 months no-contact period, they were much nicer than before...

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I'm a mom and can't imagine not helping my daughter after birth. I would love to cook and clean for her. OP's mom is out of line and is a shitty mom.

You’re clearly not a WASP. It’s a cultural thing. You don’t clean someone else’s house. Nor do you ask someone else to do so. My mom could be on her death bed and would never ask someone else to clean her house. It’s not something that is done. It would be like having a party and asking guests to clean. Other people don’t clean your house. End of story. Her mom was probably embarrassed to have been asked.

I’m as WASP as they come. I come from a wealthy family and had zero help after birth from both my wealthy family and dhs working class family (both white). I was shocked to get no help and I didn’t ask for any. Just visiting me after birth would have been lovely but our families didn’t even do that. They wanted us to travel and spend the night.

Like I said, I can’t imagine helping my daughter or sons out. They’re toddlers and a newborn now but I look forward to it. Truly I don’t mind cleaning or cooking and I’ve done it for a few friends. Friends are more helpful than family often.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I'm a mom and can't imagine not helping my daughter after birth. I would love to cook and clean for her. OP's mom is out of line and is a shitty mom.

You’re clearly not a WASP. It’s a cultural thing. You don’t clean someone else’s house. Nor do you ask someone else to do so. My mom could be on her death bed and would never ask someone else to clean her house. It’s not something that is done. It would be like having a party and asking guests to clean. Other people don’t clean your house. End of story. Her mom was probably embarrassed to have been asked.

I’m as WASP as they come. I come from a wealthy family and had zero help after birth from both my wealthy family and dhs working class family (both white). I was shocked to get no help and I didn’t ask for any. Just visiting me after birth would have been lovely but our families didn’t even do that. They wanted us to travel and spend the night.

Like I said, I can’t imagine helping my daughter or sons out. They’re toddlers and a newborn now but I look forward to it. Truly I don’t mind cleaning or cooking and I’ve done it for a few friends. Friends are more helpful than family often.

No idea about WASPs but I am a French aristocrat and my parents have cleaned for me, just like my uncles and aunts have cleaned for their children, when we were sick or had just given birth.

I think it's not about how elevated your social class is, but how uptight/insecure you are about it

[Anonymous]

How much cleaning needs to done,!? Seriously, do you vacuum every single day or something? 1x/week, right? Dishes go in dishwasher- push 1 button. Sane with laundry. Cooking - op or DJ cant possibly cook? Order out? Crock pot chicken? Take 20 minutes to bake salmon?For 2 grown capable adults? Are you people not able to function with a newborn in the house? So much so, you have to ask people to "help" you . Yea, I get it -with babies/newborns nursing 24/7, diapers, holding them, tapping their butts in hopesthey fall asleep on your shoulder, sleep deprived, but seriously between Op and the dH you cant make this work?
If you want support from family, take a different approach- "Mom, baby seems to be less fussy in the morning. Do you want to come over and take her on a walk? And if you dont mind putting her down for a nap after that would be great. I wanted to run to the store to pick up salad for dinner and catch a few minutes of a nap myself"....works much better than "mom, we are admittedly sloppy. I'm too busy holding the baby and tired to do anything about it. Would you mind cleaning up after me and dh? Maybe, just maybe, you can hold your grandchild, but I'll have to think about it".

[Anonymous]

^all I wanted was for someone to hold the baby and to talk to me. I would have loved to have been able to gone on a walk with someone or even met someone for lunch. I was completely alone. Our families live within an hour of us. Both bothered us at the hospital and left before discharge. My parents returned at 6 weeks when I was already in deep ppd. Dhs parents visited a year later. I still feel pretty abandoned. They did this with both our kids. I didn’t ask for help or cleaning. I didn’t ask for anything, no one even visited. Our parents would say they’re very close to us. No estrangement. They just felt that we should hire friends and cleaning help. We have never hired anyone. Luckily we had friends care for our kids while I gave birth.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:How much cleaning needs to done,!? Seriously, do you vacuum every single day or something? 1x/week, right? Dishes go in dishwasher- push 1 button. Sane with laundry. Cooking - op or DJ cant possibly cook? Order out? Crock pot chicken? Take 20 minutes to bake salmon?For 2 grown capable adults? Are you people not able to function with a newborn in the house? So much so, you have to ask people to "help" you . Yea, I get it -with babies/newborns nursing 24/7, diapers, holding them, tapping their butts in hopesthey fall asleep on your shoulder, sleep deprived, but seriously between Op and the dH you cant make this work?
If you want support from family, take a different approach- "Mom, baby seems to be less fussy in the morning. Do you want to come over and take her on a walk? And if you dont mind putting her down for a nap after that would be great. I wanted to run to the store to pick up salad for dinner and catch a few minutes of a nap myself"....works much better than "mom, we are admittedly sloppy. I'm too busy holding the baby and tired to do anything about it. Would you mind cleaning up after me and dh? Maybe, just maybe, you can hold your grandchild, but I'll have to think about it".

I

You just don’t get it. But thanks for being nasty to new moms.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:How much cleaning needs to done,!? Seriously, do you vacuum every single day or something? 1x/week, right? Dishes go in dishwasher- push 1 button. Sane with laundry. Cooking - op or DJ cant possibly cook? Order out? Crock pot chicken? Take 20 minutes to bake salmon?For 2 grown capable adults? Are you people not able to function with a newborn in the house? So much so, you have to ask people to "help" you . Yea, I get it -with babies/newborns nursing 24/7, diapers, holding them, tapping their butts in hopesthey fall asleep on your shoulder, sleep deprived, but seriously between Op and the dH you cant make this work?
If you want support from family, take a different approach- "Mom, baby seems to be less fussy in the morning. Do you want to come over and take her on a walk? And if you dont mind putting her down for a nap after that would be great. I wanted to run to the store to pick up salad for dinner and catch a few minutes of a nap myself"....works much better than "mom, we are admittedly sloppy. I'm too busy holding the baby and tired to do anything about it. Would you mind cleaning up after me and dh? Maybe, just maybe, you can hold your grandchild, but I'll have to think about it".

You are a mean person who gets her jollies off insulting vulnerable people.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:How much cleaning needs to done,!? Seriously, do you vacuum every single day or something? 1x/week, right? Dishes go in dishwasher- push 1 button. Sane with laundry. Cooking - op or DJ cant possibly cook? Order out? Crock pot chicken? Take 20 minutes to bake salmon?For 2 grown capable adults? Are you people not able to function with a newborn in the house? So much so, you have to ask people to "help" you . Yea, I get it -with babies/newborns nursing 24/7, diapers, holding them, tapping their butts in hopesthey fall asleep on your shoulder, sleep deprived, but seriously between Op and the dH you cant make this work?
If you want support from family, take a different approach- "Mom, baby seems to be less fussy in the morning. Do you want to come over and take her on a walk? And if you dont mind putting her down for a nap after that would be great. I wanted to run to the store to pick up salad for dinner and catch a few minutes of a nap myself"....works much better than "mom, we are admittedly sloppy. I'm too busy holding the baby and tired to do anything about it. Would you mind cleaning up after me and dh? Maybe, just maybe, you can hold your grandchild, but I'll have to think about it".

Have you ever been evaluated by a professional? You seem extremely delusional.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I'm a mom and can't imagine not helping my daughter after birth. I would love to cook and clean for her. OP's mom is out of line and is a shitty mom.

You’re clearly not a WASP. It’s a cultural thing. You don’t clean someone else’s house. Nor do you ask someone else to do so. My mom could be on her death bed and would never ask someone else to clean her house. It’s not something that is done. It would be like having a party and asking guests to clean. Other people don’t clean your house. End of story. Her mom was probably embarrassed to have been asked.

Your parent or child isn’t ‘other people’.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:She drove out to you while on bedrest and asked how to help you, and you asked her to clean your place? lol it's not surprising she declined. Either sit down and talk to her about how you feel and how you'd like to proceed, or accept that it's always going to be this way. Either way, you can do it without family support. I know it doesn't feel like it right now, but you can do this.

np: What were you and OP’s mother expecting OP to ask for? I can’t think of anything OP would need with more than domestic chores!

Seriously. If you think the OP was out of line, then you clearly have been lucky enough to be spared medical trauma in your life.

I don't think she's out of line for asking, but I do find her reaction strange when she is told no. She did not mention if her mom cooked, picked up dry cleaning, checked the mail, paid bill's, kept her company, or did anything else etc. It's not hard to understand everyone has a limit/preference. Just because you don't mind cleaning and unpacking boxes, doesn't mean everyone else is.

OP here. She did not offer to do anything. She only wanted to visit in the hospital for a few minutes and to take pictures with my child who was attached to tons of wires, when we explained to our loved ones that we’d prefer to not have others take pictures (trauma, PTSD, etc).