Help me figure out how to see my grandkids more often!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:This is OP and I'm first to admit I can be irrationally upset. I feel like when I go school week days, that my being there is an intrusion. I can tell my DIL maybe mad because she either has to cook more or fancier food because I'm there or order out. Everyone is rushed and I can tell I'm messing up the routine. It's uncomfortable. Nobody makes me feel welcome.

My son works some Saturdays so I know DIL makes time for her parents and family. I wish she would consider me.

So stop acting like a special guest star and BRING food over. Either make a lasagna and bring it with you, or pick up some take out on your way to their house! Be a HELPER instead of Queen Mother.

This is OP. They are inviting me to dinner! I don't bring food because I'm invited. If I said I brought food you all would tell me to not take over. MIL can't win!

When I invite them to my home for dinner, I don't expect them to think that means they bring the dinner!

Stop the martyr routine. "I'd love to come over! If it would be helpful, I'd be glad to bring chili and corn bread, or pick up Chinese."

If I was the DIL you all would be reeling me to make time for my MIL. You know you would.


I can try these suggestions but I doubt much will change. I'm always left with hurt feelings.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:This is OP and I'm first to admit I can be irrationally upset. I feel like when I go school week days, that my being there is an intrusion. I can tell my DIL maybe mad because she either has to cook more or fancier food because I'm there or order out. Everyone is rushed and I can tell I'm messing up the routine. It's uncomfortable. Nobody makes me feel welcome.

My son works some Saturdays so I know DIL makes time for her parents and family. I wish she would consider me.

So stop acting like a special guest star and BRING food over. Either make a lasagna and bring it with you, or pick up some take out on your way to their house! Be a HELPER instead of Queen Mother.

This is OP. They are inviting me to dinner! I don't bring food because I'm invited. If I said I brought food you all would tell me to not take over. MIL can't win!

When I invite them to my home for dinner, I don't expect them to think that means they bring the dinner!

Stop the martyr routine. "I'd love to come over! If it would be helpful, I'd be glad to bring chili and corn bread, or pick up Chinese."

If I was the DIL you all would be reeling me to make time for my MIL. You know you would.


I can try these suggestions but I doubt much will change. I'm always left with hurt feelings.

Offer to help. Not that hard. Recognize that they are busy, you are the one who needs to be flexible. Not that hard.

You seem to enjoy being So Hurt.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:This is OP and I'm first to admit I can be irrationally upset. I feel like when I go school week days, that my being there is an intrusion. I can tell my DIL maybe mad because she either has to cook more or fancier food because I'm there or order out. Everyone is rushed and I can tell I'm messing up the routine. It's uncomfortable. Nobody makes me feel welcome.

My son works some Saturdays so I know DIL makes time for her parents and family. I wish she would consider me.

So stop acting like a special guest star and BRING food over. Either make a lasagna and bring it with you, or pick up some take out on your way to their house! Be a HELPER instead of Queen Mother.

This is OP. They are inviting me to dinner! I don't bring food because I'm invited. If I said I brought food you all would tell me to not take over. MIL can't win!

When I invite them to my home for dinner, I don't expect them to think that means they bring the dinner!

O-F-F-E-R to help. Just showing up with a lasagna is taking over. Asking if they would like you to is helpful.

See how that works?

Exactly.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:This is OP and I'm first to admit I can be irrationally upset. I feel like when I go school week days, that my being there is an intrusion. I can tell my DIL maybe mad because she either has to cook more or fancier food because I'm there or order out. Everyone is rushed and I can tell I'm messing up the routine. It's uncomfortable. Nobody makes me feel welcome.

My son works some Saturdays so I know DIL makes time for her parents and family. I wish she would consider me.

So stop acting like a special guest star and BRING food over. Either make a lasagna and bring it with you, or pick up some take out on your way to their house! Be a HELPER instead of Queen Mother.

This is OP. They are inviting me to dinner! I don't bring food because I'm invited. If I said I brought food you all would tell me to not take over. MIL can't win!

When I invite them to my home for dinner, I don't expect them to think that means they bring the dinner!

You are being ridiculous, OP. Call your son and say, "I'd like to see the grandkids, and I know you see weekdays are better. Can we find a day that would be good for you guys? I'll bring dinner with me so you guys can have a break with the cooking instead of having another mouth to feed." That's not taking over, that's a kindness, a recognition that they're busy, and an offer to help out. Even if they tell you they're happy to cook and you don't need to bring anything, most likely they'll still appreciate the offer.

But please, go ahead and continue to stand on ceremony. It's clearly gotten you what you want so far, I'm sure it will continue to be a raging success.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:This is OP and I'm first to admit I can be irrationally upset. I feel like when I go school week days, that my being there is an intrusion. I can tell my DIL maybe mad because she either has to cook more or fancier food because I'm there or order out. Everyone is rushed and I can tell I'm messing up the routine. It's uncomfortable. Nobody makes me feel welcome.

My son works some Saturdays so I know DIL makes time for her parents and family. I wish she would consider me.

So stop acting like a special guest star and BRING food over. Either make a lasagna and bring it with you, or pick up some take out on your way to their house! Be a HELPER instead of Queen Mother.

This is OP. They are inviting me to dinner! I don't bring food because I'm invited. If I said I brought food you all would tell me to not take over. MIL can't win!

When I invite them to my home for dinner, I don't expect them to think that means they bring the dinner!

Okay, you really need to relax OP. You're ascribing feelings to your daughter-in-law that probably has no basis in reality:
I can tell my DIL may be mad because she either has to cook more or fancier food because I'm there or order out.
Everyone is rushed.
I can tell I'm messing up the routine.
Nobody makes me feel welcome.

This is a bit over the top dramatic. And it's your interpretation. You've stated nothing that any reasonable person would say is rude.

Did you just go last week or the week before--when school started? If so, every household is a bit crazy when the September routine starts up again.
Please stop being a victim. You DIL invited you over. Take her at face value that she wanted you there. Stop reading into everything just because you can't have what YOU want--a son that brings the kids to you.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:This is OP and I'm first to admit I can be irrationally upset. I feel like when I go school week days, that my being there is an intrusion. I can tell my DIL maybe mad because she either has to cook more or fancier food because I'm there or order out. Everyone is rushed and I can tell I'm messing up the routine. It's uncomfortable. Nobody makes me feel welcome.

My son works some Saturdays so I know DIL makes time for her parents and family. I wish she would consider me.

So stop acting like a special guest star and BRING food over. Either make a lasagna and bring it with you, or pick up some take out on your way to their house! Be a HELPER instead of Queen Mother.

This is OP. They are inviting me to dinner! I don't bring food because I'm invited. If I said I brought food you all would tell me to not take over. MIL can't win!

When I invite them to my home for dinner, I don't expect them to think that means they bring the dinner!

Stop the martyr routine. "I'd love to come over! If it would be helpful, I'd be glad to bring chili and corn bread, or pick up Chinese."

If I was the DIL you all would be reeling me to make time for my MIL. You know you would.


I can try these suggestions but I doubt much will change. I'm always left with hurt feelings.

Offer to help. Not that hard. Recognize that they are busy, you are the one who needs to be flexible. Not that hard.

You seem to enjoy being So Hurt.

You offer to cook dinner, bring dinner or get them carry out or order delivery. You make it easier for them. You are family, you are not a guest. You sit down with the kids after school and help with homework. My Dad is like you and we rarely invite him over because of it.

[Anonymous]

I'm sorry to say this but you're expectations are too high. You already see them more than more people. Although you are invited, during the weekday it is an intrusion. There so many things to do, working, commuting, making dinner, cleaning, bedtime routine, and on top of it, you coming over is not added value, (making fancier meal, entertaining you). You inviting them over versus they (working parents with no time) inviting you over is completely different. For working parents the way to see them more is to assist in picking up the child, offering to babysit or take them to doctor's appointments, driving them to school, or see them over the summer. My mother lives 1 mile away, she leaves us alone and does errands for us or watches him when he's sick or when we need a babysitter. Our time is so limited with our children, every moment counts and I don't want to spend it with parents, because it becomes all about their time instead of my time. Let your children be parents.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:This is OP and I'm first to admit I can be irrationally upset. I feel like when I go school week days, that my being there is an intrusion. I can tell my DIL maybe mad because she either has to cook more or fancier food because I'm there or order out. Everyone is rushed and I can tell I'm messing up the routine. It's uncomfortable. Nobody makes me feel welcome.

My son works some Saturdays so I know DIL makes time for her parents and family. I wish she would consider me.

So stop acting like a special guest star and BRING food over. Either make a lasagna and bring it with you, or pick up some take out on your way to their house! Be a HELPER instead of Queen Mother.

This is OP. They are inviting me to dinner! I don't bring food because I'm invited. If I said I brought food you all would tell me to not take over. MIL can't win!

When I invite them to my home for dinner, I don't expect them to think that means they bring the dinner!

Stop the martyr routine. "I'd love to come over! If it would be helpful, I'd be glad to bring chili and corn bread, or pick up Chinese."

If I was the DIL you all would be reeling me to make time for my MIL. You know you would.


I can try these suggestions but I doubt much will change. I'm always left with hurt feelings.

You're absolutely right. Things won't change. You'll always be hurt, and there's not much anyone can do to make it better. And you wonder why your DIL doesn't run to your house on the weekends...

[Anonymous]

OP, maybe offer to take them on a day that they don't have school, like parent-teacher conference day or a three-day weekend.

If traffic is really the problem, come earlier and bring a book. If you just don't want to spend the time in the car, well, your DIL probably doesn't want to either.

Women these days do not always want to be responsible for managing relationships with their husband's family. If you want to see the children more, take it up with your son. It sounds like your DIL has limited free time and doesn't want to spend it in the car bringing the children to you. If your son does not motivate, it is not her responsibility to do it for him. That may seem odd to you, but that is how the younger generation looks at things.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I'm sorry to say this but you're expectations are too high. You already see them more than more people. Although you are invited, during the weekday it is an intrusion. There so many things to do, working, commuting, making dinner, cleaning, bedtime routine, and on top of it, you coming over is not added value, (making fancier meal, entertaining you). You inviting them over versus they (working parents with no time) inviting you over is completely different. For working parents the way to see them more is to assist in picking up the child, offering to babysit or take them to doctor's appointments, driving them to school, or see them over the summer. My mother lives 1 mile away, she leaves us alone and does errands for us or watches him when he's sick or when we need a babysitter. Our time is so limited with our children, every moment counts and I don't want to spend it with parents, because it becomes all about their time instead of my time. Let your children be parents.

This is OP. I'm not "allowed" to be responsible for these things because I tend to be late to things that are unimportant. I know my DIL Thinks I'm unreliable to do anything important because sometimes I show up late to a party or get together. I live far away from most of the family.

It's just like I can't win. I wouldn't be late for school pickup, but they won't let me.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Getting along with your DIL is the best way to see your grandkids

+1

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I'm sorry to say this but you're expectations are too high. You already see them more than more people. Although you are invited, during the weekday it is an intrusion. There so many things to do, working, commuting, making dinner, cleaning, bedtime routine, and on top of it, you coming over is not added value, (making fancier meal, entertaining you). You inviting them over versus they (working parents with no time) inviting you over is completely different. For working parents the way to see them more is to assist in picking up the child, offering to babysit or take them to doctor's appointments, driving them to school, or see them over the summer. My mother lives 1 mile away, she leaves us alone and does errands for us or watches him when he's sick or when we need a babysitter. Our time is so limited with our children, every moment counts and I don't want to spend it with parents, because it becomes all about their time instead of my time. Let your children be parents.

This is OP. I'm not "allowed" to be responsible for these things because I tend to be late to things that are unimportant. I know my DIL Thinks I'm unreliable to do anything important because sometimes I show up late to a party or get together. I live far away from most of the family.

It's just like I can't win. I wouldn't be late for school pickup, but they won't let me.

Maybe she doesn't like you because you are whiny and have a negative attitude and blame others. Of course she does not trust you if you are often late. And if you are late to dinner at her house, that may account for the unwelcoming and stressful atmosphere you experience. Try being on time and see if it helps.

When my mom comes for the day, she brings a nice picnic lunch and takes the kids outside to give me some quiet time. They love it.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I'm sorry to say this but you're expectations are too high. You already see them more than more people. Although you are invited, during the weekday it is an intrusion. There so many things to do, working, commuting, making dinner, cleaning, bedtime routine, and on top of it, you coming over is not added value, (making fancier meal, entertaining you). You inviting them over versus they (working parents with no time) inviting you over is completely different. For working parents the way to see them more is to assist in picking up the child, offering to babysit or take them to doctor's appointments, driving them to school, or see them over the summer. My mother lives 1 mile away, she leaves us alone and does errands for us or watches him when he's sick or when we need a babysitter. Our time is so limited with our children, every moment counts and I don't want to spend it with parents, because it becomes all about their time instead of my time. Let your children be parents.

This is OP. I'm not "allowed" to be responsible for these things because I tend to be late to things that are unimportant. I know my DIL Thinks I'm unreliable to do anything important because sometimes I show up late to a party or get together. I live far away from most of the family.

It's just like I can't win. I wouldn't be late for school pickup, but they won't let me.

Past behavior is the best indication of future behavior. Your son and DIL have to think of their children and their safety. You've had opportunities to show you are reliable, but it seems that you've chosen not to take them. Somehow you think your promise of punctuality should override your past examples of tardiness. That's not how it works, and you know that.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:This is OP and I'm first to admit I can be irrationally upset. I feel like when I go school week days, that my being there is an intrusion. I can tell my DIL maybe mad because she either has to cook more or fancier food because I'm there or order out. Everyone is rushed and I can tell I'm messing up the routine. It's uncomfortable. Nobody makes me feel welcome.

My son works some Saturdays so I know DIL makes time for her parents and family. I wish she would consider me.

If you go every week, it will seem less intrusion be and more normal.
If you bring the meal with you, it will seem less intrusive and more normal.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I'm sorry to say this but you're expectations are too high. You already see them more than more people. Although you are invited, during the weekday it is an intrusion. There so many things to do, working, commuting, making dinner, cleaning, bedtime routine, and on top of it, you coming over is not added value, (making fancier meal, entertaining you). You inviting them over versus they (working parents with no time) inviting you over is completely different. For working parents the way to see them more is to assist in picking up the child, offering to babysit or take them to doctor's appointments, driving them to school, or see them over the summer. My mother lives 1 mile away, she leaves us alone and does errands for us or watches him when he's sick or when we need a babysitter. Our time is so limited with our children, every moment counts and I don't want to spend it with parents, because it becomes all about their time instead of my time. Let your children be parents.

This is OP. I'm not "allowed" to be responsible for these things because I tend to be late to things that are unimportant. I know my DIL Thinks I'm unreliable to do anything important because sometimes I show up late to a party or get together. I live far away from most of the family.

It's just like I can't win. I wouldn't be late for school pickup, but they won't let me.

You sound like my MIL. She says some of the exact same things you're saying. I stopped trying to include her because no matter what I did, she got hurt feelings and blamed me. Her own son won't visit her because he's tired of the drama. I don't mind if she visits, but she does stress me out. We do have routines and they can't change because of guests. Her being late really messes up the routine. If she'd offer to help, and be on time for once, I'd accept. As it is, I can't trust that she won't try to manipulate or control the situation, especially by offering to bring dinner and then showing up late. Showing up late is disrespect and while I have no choice but to tolerate it sometimes, I will not trust someone to be responsible if they can't show me basic courtesy. That means no pick ups from school, no trying on them to get kids to timed events, no relying on them to provide my hungry family dinner.

Lol. Maybe you're my MIL. If you are, you made your bed. Make some changes, earn back some trust, and maybe I'll be less stressed out when you decide to grace me with your presence.