Help me figure out how to see my grandkids more often!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I'm sorry to say this but you're expectations are too high. You already see them more than more people. Although you are invited, during the weekday it is an intrusion. There so many things to do, working, commuting, making dinner, cleaning, bedtime routine, and on top of it, you coming over is not added value, (making fancier meal, entertaining you). You inviting them over versus they (working parents with no time) inviting you over is completely different. For working parents the way to see them more is to assist in picking up the child, offering to babysit or take them to doctor's appointments, driving them to school, or see them over the summer. My mother lives 1 mile away, she leaves us alone and does errands for us or watches him when he's sick or when we need a babysitter. Our time is so limited with our children, every moment counts and I don't want to spend it with parents, because it becomes all about their time instead of my time. Let your children be parents.

This is OP. I'm not "allowed" to be responsible for these things because I tend to be late to things that are unimportant. I know my DIL Thinks I'm unreliable to do anything important because sometimes I show up late to a party or get together. I live far away from most of the family.

It's just like I can't win. I wouldn't be late for school pickup, but they won't let me.

Troll.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:If you want to see the grandkids more, you need to be willing to do the work too. They're already doing their part by coming out to you on weekends sometimes as suits your preferences, but I don't get the sense from your post that you've been willing to compromise and do some of the visits as they would prefer (at their house during the week). You have to decide what your priority is -- seeing your grandkids, or having all of the visits happen on your own terms. If you insist on the latter, you won't get as much of the former.

+1

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:This is OP and I'm still reading.

Ok, I'm mostly upset and jealous because my son works a lot and my DIL just stops caring during the school year. Or she plans their weekend schedules during the school year according to what she wants to do. She's accomodating a little more in the summer, meets me halfway with kids or something but she is so regimented with the kids schedules in the school year. I feel like I just don't fit in. She never tries to get the kids together with me ever on a day my husband works. But she always sees her parents. Sometimes my husband and her see her parents on his days off.. It's a miracle when they make it to Sunday dinners. Maybe I'm jealous, but I'm sad. Why am I not important to her or my son, but they can meet her parents for Saturday lunch?

Your son may work at an office more hours, but DIL is managing the brunt of the kids and housework. They are clearly both EQUALLY busy.

You want more, talk to THE SON YOU RAISED.

[Anonymous]

My mother observed that it's easier for her to be really involved with my kids because I am their mother. She raised me. And I'm the mom, which like it or not still generally holds a lot of weight.

She observed this around my MIL, who is not as involved, and my MIL replied that she finds it easier to be involved with her daughter's children than with mine. Because no matter how open I am to her involvement, I am not her daughter, we do not have the same easy relationship or history she has with her daughter, and I am the mom, which like it or not still generally holds a lot of weight.

It could also be their personalities, but these are the things I observe.
My mom can come over and we're in the middle of something. She can either find an out of the way spot and stay there until we're ready for her, and she can jump in and start to help. She's done both, and occasionally has tried to help in a way that wasn't, and when I told her thanks but no thanks, she backed off quickly and with no complaints.
My MIL makes an entrance, and yes, expects to be treated like a guest. If you're in our home on a weeknight, you really aren't a guest. We got home from work, are dealing with dinner and homework and after school practices, and everything else that comes from being a family. If you can't grab a kid and help them with their homework, or at the very least get your own glass of water, it's best for you to not come over on a weeknight.

We can drop in and out of my mom's. Nothing is expected. My MIL seems to make everything a thing. If we miss because a kid had a game, we're made to feel guilty. And if we invite her to the game, she might not come because she doesn't think a 6 year old's soccer game is worth the drive. My mom is up for anything. The kids call her because they made up a puppet show, she'll work out a time in her schedule when she can come see it. My MIL just isn't as excited about the kid-stuff even though she wants to see them. And my mom is always asking if we want to go out to dinner or get some time away, and she'll happily watch the kids. She'll watch them at her place or ours. My MIL always wants us to come to her. She lives an hour away, which isn't a big deal, but it means if we want a celebratory week-night dinner, we're not calling her, we're calling my mom. My mom'll come to our house, and the kids will be asleep in their beds when we get home.

I know my MIL feels like my mom gets preferential treatment, and she does. It's easier with my mom. My mom fits herself into our lives. My MIL wants us to fit into hers.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:This is OP and I'm still reading.

Ok, I'm mostly upset and jealous because my son works a lot and my DIL just stops caring during the school year. Or she plans their weekend schedules during the school year according to what she wants to do. She's accomodating a little more in the summer, meets me halfway with kids or something but she is so regimented with the kids schedules in the school year. I feel like I just don't fit in. She never tries to get the kids together with me ever on a day my husband works. But she always sees her parents. Sometimes my husband and her see her parents on his days off.. It's a miracle when they make it to Sunday dinners. Maybe I'm jealous, but I'm sad. Why am I not important to her or my son, but they can meet her parents for Saturday lunch?

Your son may work at an office more hours, but DIL is managing the brunt of the kids and housework. They are clearly both EQUALLY busy.

You want more, talk to THE SON YOU RAISED.

But my point is that, she knows my son works a lot and doesn't have time to see me, or bring the kids to me, and she doesn't work as much AT ALL, but she can always find time to take the kids to her mom and dad. Why can't she find time to bring them to me?

I understand that she likes her mom more, and I'm glad the kids get lots of time with their other grandma. But it makes me jealous. I always get seconds. And there is nothing I can do because my son works.

[Anonymous]

And this is OP, but when I come to visit, I don't do anything but sit there. They aren't entertaining me. I sit there and watch them go about their business. I try not to be in the way. But I can sense DIL just doesn't want me there. Even at my home once a month, I can tell she would rather be anywhere but there. But I am my sons mother and I feel it's not too much to ask to spend a day with them!

[Anonymous]

I honestly don't have an answer for you but this reminds me of my mom (who is local). She is always saying passive aggressive things about how they never get to see us, and has even said that our out of town in laws get the benefit of seeing us more because when they visit they get to spend large chunks of time with us.

But my mom has chosen to work full time post-retirement, she packs their social calendar full on weekends, and they don't enjoy doing things we do as a family. Yes, we try to make the hours drive to see them and we do, but it's not easy with sports and school and activities and our work.

It's a conundrum for sure. And I don't know how to solve it.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:And this is OP, but when I come to visit, I don't do anything but sit there. They aren't entertaining me. I sit there and watch them go about their business. I try not to be in the way. But I can sense DIL just doesn't want me there. Even at my home once a month, I can tell she would rather be anywhere but there. But I am my sons mother and I feel it's not too much to ask to spend a day with them!

If you're just sitting there and not engaging, no wonder they feel so uncomfortable having you around. OP, I'm going to be frank but I'm not trying to be cruel. You have spent this entire thread whining and making yourself out to be the victim while rejecting every reasonable suggestion given as just not something you're going to do. If you behave half as poorly with your son and DIL as you have in this thread, I'm going to guess you're probably right that they don't want to spend time with you because this has been exhausting. I think it's time for a little introspection about how you are contributing to this dynamic.

[Anonymous]

Once again, OP, do you offer to babysit or take the kids out so that you can see them without DIL being part of the equation? That might get you more time with the kids.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:And this is OP, but when I come to visit, I don't do anything but sit there. They aren't entertaining me. I sit there and watch them go about their business. I try not to be in the way. But I can sense DIL just doesn't want me there. Even at my home once a month, I can tell she would rather be anywhere but there. But I am my sons mother and I feel it's not too much to ask to spend a day with them!

If you're just sitting there and not engaging, no wonder they feel so uncomfortable having you around. OP, I'm going to be frank but I'm not trying to be cruel. You have spent this entire thread whining and making yourself out to be the victim while rejecting every reasonable suggestion given as just not something you're going to do. If you behave half as poorly with your son and DIL as you have in this thread, I'm going to guess you're probably right that they don't want to spend time with you because this has been exhausting. I think it's time for a little introspection about how you are contributing to this dynamic.

This. You're exhausting, you don't listen, you don't help, you're causing drama, blaming DIL for everything, and expecting her to drive to see you. Wake up.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:This is OP and I'm still reading.

Ok, I'm mostly upset and jealous because my son works a lot and my DIL just stops caring during the school year. Or she plans their weekend schedules during the school year according to what she wants to do. She's accomodating a little more in the summer, meets me halfway with kids or something but she is so regimented with the kids schedules in the school year. I feel like I just don't fit in. She never tries to get the kids together with me ever on a day my husband works. But she always sees her parents. Sometimes my husband and her see her parents on his days off.. It's a miracle when they make it to Sunday dinners. Maybe I'm jealous, but I'm sad. Why am I not important to her or my son, but they can meet her parents for Saturday lunch?

Your son may work at an office more hours, but DIL is managing the brunt of the kids and housework. They are clearly both EQUALLY busy.

You want more, talk to THE SON YOU RAISED.

But my point is that, she knows my son works a lot and doesn't have time to see me, or bring the kids to me, and she doesn't work as much AT ALL, but she can always find time to take the kids to her mom and dad. Why can't she find time to bring them to me?

I understand that she likes her mom more, and I'm glad the kids get lots of time with their other grandma. But it makes me jealous. I always get seconds. And there is nothing I can do because my son works.

Her mom is helpful. Her mom is accommodating. Her mom doesn't mind a bit of traffic. Her mom fits in.

And you want to be fed and have the kids brought to you.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:And this is OP, but when I come to visit, I don't do anything but sit there. They aren't entertaining me. I sit there and watch them go about their business. I try not to be in the way. But I can sense DIL just doesn't want me there. Even at my home once a month, I can tell she would rather be anywhere but there. But I am my sons mother and I feel it's not too much to ask to spend a day with them!

Now you're just a troll. You don't load the dishwasher or help pack lunches or help the kids with homework or lift a finger?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:And this is OP, but when I come to visit, I don't do anything but sit there. They aren't entertaining me. I sit there and watch them go about their business. I try not to be in the way. But I can sense DIL just doesn't want me there. Even at my home once a month, I can tell she would rather be anywhere but there. But I am my sons mother and I feel it's not too much to ask to spend a day with them!

If you're just sitting there and not engaging, no wonder they feel so uncomfortable having you around. OP, I'm going to be frank but I'm not trying to be cruel. You have spent this entire thread whining and making yourself out to be the victim while rejecting every reasonable suggestion given as just not something you're going to do. If you behave half as poorly with your son and DIL as you have in this thread, I'm going to guess you're probably right that they don't want to spend time with you because this has been exhausting. I think it's time for a little introspection about how you are contributing to this dynamic.

Of course they don't like you! If you just sit and stare at them, that's creepy. Can't you at least read a book to one of the kids?

You feel entitled to their time and attention entirely on your terms. They are giving you what they are willing to give. The other grandparents are getting more because they are more helpful. Why is that so hard for you to understand?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:This is OP and I'm still reading.

Ok, I'm mostly upset and jealous because my son works a lot and my DIL just stops caring during the school year. Or she plans their weekend schedules during the school year according to what she wants to do. She's accomodating a little more in the summer, meets me halfway with kids or something but she is so regimented with the kids schedules in the school year. I feel like I just don't fit in. She never tries to get the kids together with me ever on a day my husband works. But she always sees her parents. Sometimes my husband and her see her parents on his days off.. It's a miracle when they make it to Sunday dinners. Maybe I'm jealous, but I'm sad. Why am I not important to her or my son, but they can meet her parents for Saturday lunch?

Your son may work at an office more hours, but DIL is managing the brunt of the kids and housework. They are clearly both EQUALLY busy.

You want more, talk to THE SON YOU RAISED.

But my point is that, she knows my son works a lot and doesn't have time to see me, or bring the kids to me, and she doesn't work as much AT ALL, but she can always find time to take the kids to her mom and dad. Why can't she find time to bring them to me?

I understand that she likes her mom more, and I'm glad the kids get lots of time with their other grandma. But it makes me jealous. I always get seconds. And there is nothing I can do because my son works.

Of course she knows your son works a lot. But that is HIS CHOICE. If he wanted to work less, or bring the kids to you more, he would. It isn't her responsibility. And you aren't going to win her affection by blaming her for the choices of the son you raised, and demanding that she spend her limited free time compensating for his decision not to spend time with you.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:During the school year, my son just can't seem to find/make time for me to see my grandchildren. Sometimes they come to dinner at our home on Sunday afternoons when I invite them, but it's a rare occasion - their weekends are always "very busy". They invite me to dinner at their home during the school week, but I don't want to/like to fight the traffic to get there after school lets out, only to stay a couple hours. I don't live close.. I haven't seen my grandkids in almost a month, and it makes me sad. I see them often in summer, but during school, they always seem to have plans over the weekend. My husband works much more than his wife, so I know that's part of it. My son works so much that when he's off, he stays busy doing things for his home and family. Probably gives his wife a break too. He doesn't seem to have time to bring them to see me. Funny thing is, my DIL can always find time to see her parents when my son is working, and brings the kids along. We've tried to work on our relationship many times, but we are just opposites. I wish she would bring the kids to me more, but I don't think she feels it's her duty.

But I'm jealous. Parents out there, how can I see my grandkids more during the school year?

You're invited to go there, but don't. What more can you hope for? You definitely sound like the problem in this relationship