Help me figure out how to see my grandkids more often!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I'm sorry to say this but you're expectations are too high. You already see them more than more people. Although you are invited, during the weekday it is an intrusion. There so many things to do, working, commuting, making dinner, cleaning, bedtime routine, and on top of it, you coming over is not added value, (making fancier meal, entertaining you). You inviting them over versus they (working parents with no time) inviting you over is completely different. For working parents the way to see them more is to assist in picking up the child, offering to babysit or take them to doctor's appointments, driving them to school, or see them over the summer. My mother lives 1 mile away, she leaves us alone and does errands for us or watches him when he's sick or when we need a babysitter. Our time is so limited with our children, every moment counts and I don't want to spend it with parents, because it becomes all about their time instead of my time. Let your children be parents.

This is OP. I'm not "allowed" to be responsible for these things because I tend to be late to things that are unimportant. I know my DIL Thinks I'm unreliable to do anything important because sometimes I show up late to a party or get together. I live far away from most of the family.

It's just like I can't win. I wouldn't be late for school pickup, but they won't let me.

Past behavior is the best indication of future behavior. Your son and DIL have to think of their children and their safety. You've had opportunities to show you are reliable, but it seems that you've chosen not to take them. Somehow you think your promise of punctuality should override your past examples of tardiness. That's not how it works, and you know that.

+1. Are you late to weekday dinner? Because that would annoy the living crap out of me, if my MIL showed up late and the kids were hangry and then I couldn't get them to bed on time so the next morning was a mess too. You may be seriously inconveniencing them with your lateness.

Some people perceive lateness as disrespect and your DIL may be one of them.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I'm sorry to say this but you're expectations are too high. You already see them more than more people. Although you are invited, during the weekday it is an intrusion. There so many things to do, working, commuting, making dinner, cleaning, bedtime routine, and on top of it, you coming over is not added value, (making fancier meal, entertaining you). You inviting them over versus they (working parents with no time) inviting you over is completely different. For working parents the way to see them more is to assist in picking up the child, offering to babysit or take them to doctor's appointments, driving them to school, or see them over the summer. My mother lives 1 mile away, she leaves us alone and does errands for us or watches him when he's sick or when we need a babysitter. Our time is so limited with our children, every moment counts and I don't want to spend it with parents, because it becomes all about their time instead of my time. Let your children be parents.

This is OP. I'm not "allowed" to be responsible for these things because I tend to be late to things that are unimportant. I know my DIL Thinks I'm unreliable to do anything important because sometimes I show up late to a party or get together. I live far away from most of the family.

It's just like I can't win. I wouldn't be late for school pickup, but they won't let me.

Then prove you can be responsible by showing up on time for things. Offer to come in the evening and bring dinner at 5:30, and then show up at 5:30, not at 6:00 or 6:30 because dinner time doesn't seem important to you. All they know based on your past behavior is that you show up late, and it would be irrational for them to rely on you not continuing this pattern when it would be a big problem for them if you did (and thus were late to school pick-up). If you really want a chance to do these things, you need to show them you're reliable and won't just make it that much harder for them.

[Anonymous]

OP, my dad is like you. He will say he is coming over and come an hour or two later. You forget with younger kids, you need to get homework done, activities, dinner, shower and to bed. One cannot often easily adjust a schedule as a grandparent wasn't to play games and not care about someone else needs.

No, you should not do school pick up if you are not reliable.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:This is OP and I'm first to admit I can be irrationally upset. I feel like when I go school week days, that my being there is an intrusion. I can tell my DIL maybe mad because she either has to cook more or fancier food because I'm there or order out. Everyone is rushed and I can tell I'm messing up the routine. It's uncomfortable. Nobody makes me feel welcome.

My son works some Saturdays so I know DIL makes time for her parents and family. I wish she would consider me.

Why don't YOU offer to pay for ordering takeout food? Ease the burden.

[Anonymous]

You are whiney and full of excuses. They are very busy and it sounds like they are doing their best to make room for you in their lives, but it will never be enough for you. Of course if you are late to things they won't trust you to pick up the kids! Do you have a full time job? I don't see why you can't drive over at 3 and pick up takeout for dinner. Of course it's an intrusion when you show up and expect to be catered to. Help with homework, bath and bedtime and cleaning up the dishes and then head home. You could offer to fold the kids laundry, unload the dishwasher or whatever if you get to their house earlier. See if you can pick up anything at Target or the grocery store on your way. If you are helpful and happy and pleasant instead of woe-is-me, I can't win, blah blah blah then maybe they will invite you over more.

My relationship with my MIL started off rocky when she felt entitled to have access to my son, her first grandchild, all the time. She would want to come too often and just wanted to hold the baby all day while I ran around doing chores, and would act put-out if I asked for help with something. My SIL explained to her that she would never have a relationship with us if that is how she acted, and she did a 180. Now I LOVE her and we have her over often. They live several states away so she flies up for a week. She is super helpful with the kids, she'll take them to the park, help them clean up their toys, babysit so we can have a date night. The house runs more smoothly when she is here, she pitches in with chores (loading the dishwasher without me having to ask, wiping up food spilled on the floor etc). She is happy and cheerful and a pleasure to be around. She makes it as easy on us as possible. So I try to stock the fridge with foods and drinks she likes, and we get takeout from her favorite places. If she were a drag to be around and resentful of the time my kids spend with my mom (who lives closer and can come more often), we would probably invite her less. My FIL is useless, he sits in a chair with his iPad and periodically yells at the kids and asks what is for dinner. At my request, he stays home when we fly my MIL in.

If you make yourself more helpful and have a better attitude, these visits will go better for everyone and you will probably get invited more often.

[Anonymous]

Call them up today and say, "I would love to see the kids one night next week. I can bring a lasagna and salad. Let me know if any evening works!"

Report back.

[Anonymous]

How far away do you live?

[Anonymous]

My parents figured out very early on that the way to see their grandchildren more often was by being helpful. Picking up groceries, dropping off dry cleaning, running some carpools, all conveniently timed for when the children were awake (babies) or home from school. Now it is nothing for my kids to see their grandparents at their games or practices or recitals or whatever. But my parents did a great job basically insinuating themselves into our lives without making a big deal or a lot of drama. We all benefit. OP, I think you should take a leaf out of my parents book and figure out how to be more helpful to your grandchildren's parents.

[Anonymous]

I hope this thread helps you gain some perspective and self-awareness, OP. Pitch in, or don't be surprised that you aren't included more. You are choosing to be excluded.

[Anonymous]

You seem very needy. And I would be mad if I worked all day and then had to cater to you. Either bring over dinner or pick up food on the way.

[Anonymous]

My parents offer to babysit on Saturday nights for us. I'd move mountains to keep our relationship with them friendly. A babysitter is priceless. I keep them updated on my schedule, cook dinner for them often and help them with renovations. Maybe offer to babysit?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My parents offer to babysit on Saturday nights for us. I'd move mountains to keep our relationship with them friendly. A babysitter is priceless. I keep them updated on my schedule, cook dinner for them often and help them with renovations. Maybe offer to babysit?

Oh and my inlaws just ask when we're coming. Weekends are so jam packed and stressful. Because they don't visit we rarely see them.

[Anonymous]

Why not offer to watch the kids for a weekend while they go on a trip?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:This is what I do with my elementary-aged grandkids:

1. I do NOT attempt to see them on weekends because they are busy and they need family time together. Their whole family also needs DOWNTIME. They do not need any more driving time to come see me. Period. (If I get an invitation for something, that's fine. But I don't ask).

2. On the same weekday every week, usually Wednesday but it can change from school year to school year, I pick the kids up after school. They spend the night and I take them to school the next morning. They have clothes at my house that I have bought for this. They do not schlepp clothes to school and they do not have to pack and unpack to go to Grandmas. I pack lunches with them when I take them to school the next day. I have food they like in the house.

3. If there is a weekday that I can't keep them overnight for some reason, then I pick them up after school and we go to their favorite cafe for a snack and hot chocolate, they do their homework in the cafe, and I drop them at home. (The homework part is much appreciated by their parents. I keep pencils, rulers, and homework supplies in my car).

4. I go to all their events and games and things WHEN INVITED. I don't put mental energy into worrying if I am invited or not. I take them to the dentist, when asked. All sorts of little errands like that. The kids talk to me in the car about all sorts of stuff. I know who their friends are and their friends say hi to me at school because I do that weekly pickup. I do not chaperone school events or volunteer in the classrooms because I have other commitments during the day.

I make this grandparenting thing as easy on the parents and kids as possible. No drama and no agenda. I keep things easy-going and don't overthink it. The day will come when I will be in a nursing home and can't do all this stuff with and for them. Then they will be coming to me and helping me. I am positive about that given the relationship we have. There are certain seasons for caregiving and certain seasons for care receiving. The circle of life.

Can you be my mom? I bet you would be awesome in a crisis (i.e. spouse gets cancer and caregiving spouse needs help from a parent who can get the kids to school rested, on time, with homework done and well fed). Please be my mom!

Was going to say the same!

[Anonymous]

OP - why don't you offer to stay with the kids, feed them and put them to bed on a weekend night (say twice a month or so) and let the parents go out. If they see you are trying to be helpful and are trustworthy about time, providing a meal and having an evening with the grandkids that they enjoy, I think that would help meet everyone's needs (you get to work on building your relationship with your grandkids, you aren't imposing and creating more work and you get to provide help to your son and DIL who could probably really use it.