DH sobered up, I'm contemplating an EA, advice?

[Anonymous]

This is a good thread. One thing I'm wondering about, as a child of an alcoholic (maybe two) and a confirmed cheater, is if there is a worry that an affair - physical or even emotional - would drive DH (or DW) back to drinking. Just seems a natural consequence in addition to the ones that go with cheating generally, and one my family endured.

Maybe that is giving the alcoholic too much control?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:
I fixated on someone too in my fantasies, he just wasn't really attainable (a work acquaintance, not someone I ever spend time alone with). During the lowest of times, if the opportunity had arisen... At any rate, you asked about therapy. DH is willingly going, but I went to see someone myself for a few months first - I thought it was only fair to get my own house in order before making him face me, because I have a boatload of anger, distrust, etc. I now have a much better idea of what I want from marriage - a lot of it is what you describe - emotional connection and a sex life (haven't had one in years!), although I'm not sure what it will take to get back there or whether we will. We'll just have to see how it goes. I honestly dont think we'll ever get back to a good sex life, but the rest maybe...

FWIW, once I got through my "I should have an affair - it would serve him right for sneaking around, lying, hiding things from me, and meanwhile being completely unavailable" phase (not that it doesn't resurface but at least I'm not justifying it to myself anymore), what I've come to is this (YMMV): my husband is a stranger to me but he's not mean or abusive, he's a good dad, he does his share with the kids and around the house, and I dont really think I would be better off without him because I'm too old and too busy with work and kids to have much of a chance at finding love again.

Not the focus of this topic and I know OP said you were giving her hope but this seems sad. Not even a good sex life? Are you too old? 50? 45? Younger? You're at least setting what seems to be very low expectations for your personal life going forward. I hope DH is worth it. And good luck, I do mean that.

[Anonymous]

PP here, that came out wrong. I'm sure DH is worth it if you get there, would you have married him if not? Again, good luck.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:PP here, that came out wrong. I'm sure DH is worth it if you get there, would you have married him if not? Again, good luck.

the PP you were responding to and no worries, no offense, I dont disagree. I'm in my early 40's but I have 2 young kids I adore and a stable home life and a big job. I wish like hell I had more confidence that I could improve my sex life, but I dont - it was never rockin' to begin with with DH (we were well matched in every other way and I thought I had had my fun in my 20's, I could live with it). Given all that has transpired it's hard to imagine him becoming a stud in the sack at this point. I've gone back and forth about it, as you can tell from my musings with OP about my very elaborate fantasies about the guy with the sexy voice, but what I come to in my saner moments (and what I've been trying to convey to OP) is that we have so much going for us: we're good parenting partners, happy kids, jobs that only work because of how we share the responsibilities, and I think we can get back to at least being good friends again. Should I really give that up for the possibility of good sex? I've been tempted but it just doesn't seem rational.

Fire away - maybe I should...?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My mother got real mean when she sobered up.

why do you think that is, can you share?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:PP here, that came out wrong. I'm sure DH is worth it if you get there, would you have married him if not? Again, good luck.

the PP you were responding to and no worries, no offense, I dont disagree. I'm in my early 40's but I have 2 young kids I adore and a stable home life and a big job. I wish like hell I had more confidence that I could improve my sex life, but I dont - it was never rockin' to begin with with DH (we were well matched in every other way and I thought I had had my fun in my 20's, I could live with it). Given all that has transpired it's hard to imagine him becoming a stud in the sack at this point. I've gone back and forth about it, as you can tell from my musings with OP about my very elaborate fantasies about the guy with the sexy voice, but what I come to in my saner moments (and what I've been trying to convey to OP) is that we have so much going for us: we're good parenting partners, happy kids, jobs that only work because of how we share the responsibilities, and I think we can get back to at least being good friends again. Should I really give that up for the possibility of good sex? I've been tempted but it just doesn't seem rational.

Fire away - maybe I should...?

PP here - oh good, glad no offense, some of the posts here are not the most kind and when I reread my post it sounded like one of those and I cringed.

Fire away? Well, not sure I want to convince someone to give all that up. But you seem more than a little conflicted. There's the bolded part above, and you also wrote, "I havent had an affair but have had many serious fantasies about it - if the opportunity had really presented itself in a compelling way I might have." So, "very elaborate and serious fantasies" along with contemplation of actually carrying it through. That's a bit more than casual fantasizing about an attractive colleague/acquaintance (sexy voice or not). You said he was unobtainable for whatever reason, would the fantasizing be just as intense if he was obtainable with a little work? Or would that be too scary? The unobtainability might make it "safe," unless he suddenly starts being interested and that falls away, stranger things have happened (I suppose if he's gay then you're safe). More broadly and in the longer term, someone might come along without that hurdle. I guess if the fantasizing is a "safe escape" from no physical relationship, then it's less serious boding for the future than if it's something you are wishing would happen.

More importantly, in my mind, is do you think the fantasizing will stop if you and DH get back to some kind of, but not good, physical relationship? Or at least move back to a more "normal" level? Also, if the fantasized OM is truly unobtainable then it would be giving up the marriage for the possibility of good sex with someone other than that person, plus the mess of divorce and what sounds like would be shared custody. You also hit on it, "possibility," no guarantee OM is "rockin' in the sack."

All that said, overall, you list great reasons for staying. Also, you mentioned counseling above, so clearly you have decided give it a go, intense fantasies or not. On balance, probably the right decision if you are truly serious about reconciling and not checking a box on the way to divorce (or affair). I get the feeling it's the former and the right choice. And sounds like DH is in for some surprises, shocks, and unpleasant realities. Are you planning on sharing this and related thoughts with him? Not sure I have advice on that. Maybe it depends on whether he knows the OM, and hard to say which direction that might push a decision. If he's really unobtainable and DH knows/can be shown that, then it would seem much less threatening. But that's really a small part of therapy - bigger fish to fry I would say for now.

That's a lot of free form psychoanalysis/questions on an anonymous message board, so, you get what you pay for.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My mother got real mean when she sobered up.

why do you think that is, can you share?

This is a very typical pattern. Many alcoholics block most of their negative feelings of grief, rage, and pain with alcohol. (Yes, there's the paradigm of the abusive violent drunk but that's another story). Once you take the alcohol away, the feelings are still there -- and they often come bursting forth during the early years of sobriety and it's very hard for family members. This is part of why many marriages collapse. Alcoholics must learn to deal with their feelings both appropriately and constructively and without blocking.

So you have this meanness spewing forth and it kind of gets directed toward anyone in sight.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:This is a good thread. One thing I'm wondering about, as a child of an alcoholic (maybe two) and a confirmed cheater, is if there is a worry that an affair - physical or even emotional - would drive DH (or DW) back to drinking. Just seems a natural consequence in addition to the ones that go with cheating generally, and one my family endured.

Maybe that is giving the alcoholic too much control?

Not your responsibility. The alcoholic is responsible for their own drinking. If the world ended tomorrow, it's still their choice to drink or not. You have to let go of the illusion that you can control the alcoholic's drinking.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My mother got real mean when she sobered up.

why do you think that is, can you share?

This is a very typical pattern. Many alcoholics block most of their negative feelings of grief, rage, and pain with alcohol. (Yes, there's the paradigm of the abusive violent drunk but that's another story). Once you take the alcohol away, the feelings are still there -- and they often come bursting forth during the early years of sobriety and it's very hard for family members. This is part of why many marriages collapse. Alcoholics must learn to deal with their feelings both appropriately and constructively and without blocking.

So you have this meanness spewing forth and it kind of gets directed toward anyone in sight.

It's not the only pattern. I sat in my living room floor and cried for 6 weeks (every day) after I got sober. I wasn't mean just sad.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My mother got real mean when she sobered up.

why do you think that is, can you share?

This is a very typical pattern. Many alcoholics block most of their negative feelings of grief, rage, and pain with alcohol. (Yes, there's the paradigm of the abusive violent drunk but that's another story). Once you take the alcohol away, the feelings are still there -- and they often come bursting forth during the early years of sobriety and it's very hard for family members. This is part of why many marriages collapse. Alcoholics must learn to deal with their feelings both appropriately and constructively and without blocking.

So you have this meanness spewing forth and it kind of gets directed toward anyone in sight.

It's not the only pattern. I sat in my living room floor and cried for 6 weeks (every day) after I got sober. I wasn't mean just sad.

A pattern is just a pattern. I wasn't trying to imply that everybody acted in the same way. Depression is prevalent too like your experience. Congratulations on your sobriety.

[Anonymous]

Good discussion on recovery. RE the EA - that just seems like an attempt to sabotage what's left?

Unfortunately quitting drinking doesn't fix things, I experienced this my my own DH and it's been a rocky road. Before we could say that things were bad because of the drinking and there was an easy blame. Now they're just bad and he feels that he's 'fixed' what seemed to be problem on his side and it's all on me now.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Good discussion on recovery. RE the EA - that just seems like an attempt to sabotage what's left?

Unfortunately quitting drinking doesn't fix things, I experienced this my my own DH and it's been a rocky road. Before we could say that things were bad because of the drinking and there was an easy blame. Now they're just bad and he feels that he's 'fixed' what seemed to be problem on his side and it's all on me now.

Sorry to hear that. Did he do a 12-step program? One of the steps is to make amends, which means understanding the damage the addiction has done and trying to repair it. I'm still waiting for that too...

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Good discussion on recovery. RE the EA - that just seems like an attempt to sabotage what's left?

Unfortunately quitting drinking doesn't fix things, I experienced this my my own DH and it's been a rocky road. Before we could say that things were bad because of the drinking and there was an easy blame. Now they're just bad and he feels that he's 'fixed' what seemed to be problem on his side and it's all on me now.

Sorry to hear that. Did he do a 12-step program? One of the steps is to make amends, which means understanding the damage the addiction has done and trying to repair it. I'm still waiting for that too...

You might be my DW. If so, amends is on the way.

[Anonymous]

My life is going to shit so I guess I'll have an affair. Yeah, that'll help.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My life is going to shit so I guess I'll have an affair. Yeah, that'll help.

See, e.g.