DH sobered up, I'm contemplating an EA, advice?

[Anonymous]

OP - you should just go for it. Why torture yourself?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Wife of a recovered alcoholic.

Here's my take. You are in your own recovery process. You can label this contemplating having an affair, but what you are really going through is seeing your husband for real, seeing your marriage for real, and contemplating whether you want to stick around and whether your marriage is worth saving. Having an affair is a side show to that decision.

You need to own your own fallout from the alcoholism and own your own behavior. If you have an affair, it's YOUR BEHAVIOR. You can't blame him for it, just as he can't blame you while he was drinking and say "She made me drink." You can't say "He made me have an affair." Own your own actions. Make a decision[b].

Excellent post.

I could not agree more.

[Anonymous]

OP here - since a couple people asked, I'm working through whether I should tell DH all that I lay out here and more in therapy this week. So, any good advice from anyone I'm all ears.

[Anonymous]

OP - maybe this is your DH and he already knows. Har!

http://www.dcurbanmom.com/jforum/posts/list/444757.page

[Anonymous]

This sounds disturbingly familiar.

[Anonymous]

How did it work out OP?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:How did it work out OP?

Not very well.

[Anonymous]

OP - I hear ya and I sympathize - I'm in a very similar situation and after the years of dealing with the drugs (prescription addiction) and alcohol - and all the shit and worry and stress that goes along with it - I'm just worn out. Physically and emotionally. Drained.

It's this feeling that you are worthless, and he's certainly taken you for granted even though you've stuck by him, and it's feeling alone, and just wanting SOMEONE to pay some attention to you, validate you, remind you that hey, you are a person too.

I've got the added bonus of dealing with his affairs as well as the addictions. The *years* of lying, of standing by him and trying to be supportive while he selfishly did whatever the hell he wanted - he's sober now (hooray, that's good) but the toll it has taken on the marriage getting him to this point. I'm afraid we're over and he just won't see it.

It feels like his alcohol addiction has now been transferred to addiction to AA meetings - he's always at a meeting it seems. Or meeting with his sponsor. Or with his sponsee. Came home from rehab and jumped right on the AA bandwagon to work on his problem without a thought of spending the time and energy to work on our relationship.

With the added bonus of always hanging over us is Relapse - a constant threat - it's happened before, and AA and Alanon people told me to expect it to happen again (cause that's what addicts do). Sorta like always holding your breath waiting for the next crisis.

We're in therapy - found someone who specializes in addiction (which is very helpful) but so far there hasn't been any progress - I don't trust him, I'm tired of being taken for granted, and I honestly can not see me living with a man who will be spending a good portion of the rest of his live in AA meetings.

Past issues were worked through for the sake of the kids - keep the marriage together for them, as they were toddlers. But now? I honestly think they wouldn't care. Oh, they'd care as in "that sucks, mom" but we're without the H 90% of the time now anyway, and have been for years. it really wouldn't be that much different. If anything they might see him MORE if we were divorced.

[Anonymous]

OP - any updates?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP - any updates?

OP here - Told him everything 10 days ago. We've barely spoken and are sleeping in separate bedrooms. Last therapy session was painful. Not looking forward to the next one. Ugh.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP - any updates?

OP here - Told him everything 10 days ago. We've barely spoken and are sleeping in separate bedrooms. Last therapy session was painful. Not looking forward to the next one. Ugh.

OP here again - to fill in a detail, I ended getting pretty tipsy at an out of town training a few weeks back and ended up kissing someone at a bar late one night. Before we went any further than that I pulled back and left. Wracked with guilt I ended up telling DH this in addition to full details about the OM in this post (the "10 days ago" note above). DH reacted very negatively and angrily and couldn't stop thinking of me "being with another man." This past weekend he essentially ran away to a hotel and didn't come back until earlier tonight.

His reaction seems so out of proportion to what I did, especially considering his past drinking habits and how distant we had become, and that I stopped and confessed. Am I wrong to think that? I made a mistake and confessed, whereas DH was constantly lying to me about his drinking. Seems like in any kind of weighing I come out ahead. Or is weighing the wrong thing to do?

[Anonymous]

OP here AGAIN - DH and I are likey heading to trial separation. Anyone done one or know of a good thread on DCUM?

(Hungry Girl - eager to hear from you on this and how you're doing too!)

[Anonymous]

Never heard of a trial separation ending well, and I've known three coupes who tried it. None had kids though.

[Anonymous]

It can work if you do it right. That is, if you get a real taste of what it would be like "on your own" and find out you miss your spouse dearly. OTOH if you have the best time you've had in years, well.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP here AGAIN - DH and I are likey heading to trial separation. Anyone done one or know of a good thread on DCUM?

(Hungry Girl - eager to hear from you on this and how you're doing too!)

I'm back...have left several posts before and talked about Al Anon.

If you are working on programs separately and things aren't physically or emotionally abusive why can't you remain together as you work separately? If you aren't working your own programs...why not?

Also...I have never understood trial separations and have never known of one that was a positive in a relationship..