DH sobered up, I'm contemplating an EA, advice?

[Anonymous]

It sounds like you really don't like your spouse much and I don't understand why you're still with him.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:It sounds like you really don't like your spouse much and I don't understand why you're still with him.

OP here - good question. I guess that's what I'm trying to figure out.

[Anonymous]

OP here - we are doing a trial separation, starting Monday....

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP here - we are doing a trial separation, starting Monday....

Hang in there, OP.

[Anonymous]

Update OP?

[Anonymous]

OP here - we are half way through the trial separation. My turn in the apartment, it is lonely but otherwise ok. Not optimistic for DH and I.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP here - we are half way through the trial separation. My turn in the apartment, it is lonely but otherwise ok. Not optimistic for DH and I.

Do you miss him? Or is it just that you don't like being alone?

[Anonymous]

If he finds out, he might drink. This is the person you vowed to love in sickness and in health, for better or worse. You're sitting here planning to do something you know is wrong and hurtful. You are planning to cheat! I don't get it. You've been hurt, so you're going to deliberately hurt him?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP here - we are half way through the trial separation. My turn in the apartment, it is lonely but otherwise ok. Not optimistic for DH and I.

Do you miss him? Or is it just that you don't like being alone?

The latter. Just don't miss him at all. And new things on the horizon potentially.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP here - we are half way through the trial separation. My turn in the apartment, it is lonely but otherwise ok. Not optimistic for DH and I.

Do you miss him? Or is it just that you don't like being alone?

The latter. Just don't miss him at all. And new things on the horizon potentially.

women have many choices. plus they don't have the same hormones so once they get older they don't need or want sex anymore.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP - I hear ya and I sympathize - I'm in a very similar situation and after the years of dealing with the drugs (prescription addiction) and alcohol - and all the shit and worry and stress that goes along with it - I'm just worn out. Physically and emotionally. Drained.

It's this feeling that you are worthless, and he's certainly taken you for granted even though you've stuck by him, and it's feeling alone, and just wanting SOMEONE to pay some attention to you, validate you, remind you that hey, you are a person too.

I've got the added bonus of dealing with his affairs as well as the addictions. The *years* of lying, of standing by him and trying to be supportive while he selfishly did whatever the hell he wanted - he's sober now (hooray, that's good) but the toll it has taken on the marriage getting him to this point. I'm afraid we're over and he just won't see it.

It feels like his alcohol addiction has now been transferred to addiction to AA meetings - he's always at a meeting it seems. Or meeting with his sponsor. Or with his sponsee. Came home from rehab and jumped right on the AA bandwagon to work on his problem without a thought of spending the time and energy to work on our relationship.

With the added bonus of always hanging over us is Relapse - a constant threat - it's happened before, and AA and Alanon people told me to expect it to happen again (cause that's what addicts do). Sorta like always holding your breath waiting for the next crisis.

We're in therapy - found someone who specializes in addiction (which is very helpful) but so far there hasn't been any progress - I don't trust him, I'm tired of being taken for granted, and I honestly can not see me living with a man who will be spending a good portion of the rest of his live in AA meetings.

Past issues were worked through for the sake of the kids - keep the marriage together for them, as they were toddlers. But now? I honestly think they wouldn't care. Oh, they'd care as in "that sucks, mom" but we're without the H 90% of the time now anyway, and have been for years. it really wouldn't be that much different. If anything they might see him MORE if we were divorced.

May I ask who you are seeing in your couples work? I am desperate. My own husband has almost two years of sobriety and we have a toddler (do the math to figure out when DH hit bottom and ended up an a crack house)...but these two years of his focus on his sobriety have been the worst of my life and have left our marriage in shambles. I am not sure if we should keep trying but don't want to give up on our family or the person I loved. Any help/suggestions...

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP - I hear ya and I sympathize - I'm in a very similar situation and after the years of dealing with the drugs (prescription addiction) and alcohol - and all the shit and worry and stress that goes along with it - I'm just worn out. Physically and emotionally. Drained.

It's this feeling that you are worthless, and he's certainly taken you for granted even though you've stuck by him, and it's feeling alone, and just wanting SOMEONE to pay some attention to you, validate you, remind you that hey, you are a person too.

I've got the added bonus of dealing with his affairs as well as the addictions. The *years* of lying, of standing by him and trying to be supportive while he selfishly did whatever the hell he wanted - he's sober now (hooray, that's good) but the toll it has taken on the marriage getting him to this point. I'm afraid we're over and he just won't see it.

It feels like his alcohol addiction has now been transferred to addiction to AA meetings - he's always at a meeting it seems. Or meeting with his sponsor. Or with his sponsee. Came home from rehab and jumped right on the AA bandwagon to work on his problem without a thought of spending the time and energy to work on our relationship.

With the added bonus of always hanging over us is Relapse - a constant threat - it's happened before, and AA and Alanon people told me to expect it to happen again (cause that's what addicts do). Sorta like always holding your breath waiting for the next crisis.

We're in therapy - found someone who specializes in addiction (which is very helpful) but so far there hasn't been any progress - I don't trust him, I'm tired of being taken for granted, and I honestly can not see me living with a man who will be spending a good portion of the rest of his live in AA meetings.

Past issues were worked through for the sake of the kids - keep the marriage together for them, as they were toddlers. But now? I honestly think they wouldn't care. Oh, they'd care as in "that sucks, mom" but we're without the H 90% of the time now anyway, and have been for years. it really wouldn't be that much different. If anything they might see him MORE if we were divorced.

May I ask who you are seeing in your couples work? I am desperate. My own husband has almost two years of sobriety and we have a toddler (do the math to figure out when DH hit bottom and ended up an a crack house)...but these two years of his focus on his sobriety have been the worst of my life and have left our marriage in shambles. I am not sure if we should keep trying but don't want to give up on our family or the person I loved. Any help/suggestions...

pP, where are you located? I have some suggestions in MoCo I could dig up. I'm not OP but a PP upthread with a DH in recovery and I kept waiting for him to bring me into the recovery process and he never did which was awful. We are seeing someone and it is helping a lot, although DH is also seeing someone and the combo is good. not sure we will make it but giving it s try.

[Anonymous]

PP here. Arlington, but we could go into the city on Orange Line or proximate to it.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:PP here. Arlington, but we could go into the city on Orange Line or proximate to it.

Sorry then - i have names up in Bethesda. But if you know any therapists, they all have professional listservs - maybe one can post for you and ask for recs? I strongly recommend finding someone with addiction expertise. Ours will totally call DH out on behavior associiated with addiction - just because he isnt drinking doesnt mean he is sober/recovering (AA calls these people dry drunks - IME it is worse than when they are drinking!). Good luck to you. You arent alone.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:PP here. Arlington, but we could go into the city on Orange Line or proximate to it.

Sorry then - i have names up in Bethesda. But if you know any therapists, they all have professional listservs - maybe one can post for you and ask for recs? I strongly recommend finding someone with addiction expertise. Ours will totally call DH out on behavior associiated with addiction - just because he isnt drinking doesnt mean he is sober/recovering (AA calls these people dry drunks - IME it is worse than when they are drinking!). Good luck to you. You arent alone.

OP here - listen to this lady PP, if she is who I think she is she gives good advice (crazy day BTW - sent an email)