DH sobered up, I'm contemplating an EA, advice?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:In my family, there was a couple with this dynamic. He battled addictions for years, and she was by his side, holding him up, helping him along. He could stay clean for a while. When he was clean was when she'd feel something was missing, and that was when she'd have affairs. By the time he really did manage to get clean, there was so much damage between them on both sides that they couldn't stay together. She's textbook codependent, and he's textbook addict. Recovery needs both people in the couple to work on their issues, to break patterns.

And if the addictive person never gets to and works on the underlying issues that feed the addictive behaviors, it's true they will just switch to some new addictive behavior. I know a lot of people who desperately cling to their 12-step meetings for years and years, but never work on trying to heal the actual issues that drive them.

You can't work on being in a relationship until you get some basic work on yourself done. And that goes for both sides.

Amen.

[Anonymous]

OP here - back to this thread because it seems DH is drinking again but I can't be sure. Any advice from folk out there how to go about confronting him given the background above and that I'm not 100%? Should I wait until I'm sure? What damage do I risk if he's not drinking again?

Unfortunately I don't think I have the patience to be sure or nice about it, but I could be convinced. Just so frustrating.

[Anonymous]

OP, your old friend here, so sorry to hear this and just saw your email and responded. Hang in there!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP here - back to this thread because it seems DH is drinking again but I can't be sure. Any advice from folk out there how to go about confronting him given the background above and that I'm not 100%? Should I wait until I'm sure? What damage do I risk if he's not drinking again?

Unfortunately I don't think I have the patience to be sure or nice about it, but I could be convinced. Just so frustrating.

I have been in this situation. My suggestion is do nothing. It will be evident in due time. Those of us who have been on the other side know we have dealt with so much deceit in the past...confrontation, especially without proof, is an invitation to lie some more.

If you are working your program, and I hope you are, keep doing so. If not, please give it a try.

Best to you!

[Anonymous]

So OP and PP how was therapy? Did it help? Seems OP is worried it hasn't taken. Have you had second thoughts about not going through with it with your OMs?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:So OP and PP how was therapy? Did it help? Seems OP is worried it hasn't taken. Have you had second thoughts about not going through with it with your OMs?

I am guessing that I am the PP since I responded to the OP.

Therapy? I actually got more help from good Al Anon meetings within the program. That and the literature and experiences of others. I am a firm believer that you can get the best directions from those who have successfully climbed the mountain that I am facing.

Sobriety rarely is a smooth process. Many who are working their program do drink or use again but those that are stronger in their program, having a sponsor and/or close to those with long term sobriety, will rededicate.

After several 'bumps' my 'alcoholic' has been sober for years.

[Anonymous]

PP - What was it that helped about al anon (if you're still around)? My spouse won't go and I think it would help in understanding what I'm going through.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP here - back to this thread because it seems DH is drinking again but I can't be sure. Any advice from folk out there how to go about confronting him given the background above and that I'm not 100%? Should I wait until I'm sure? What damage do I risk if he's not drinking again?

Unfortunately I don't think I have the patience to be sure or nice about it, but I could be convinced. Just so frustrating.

I have been in this situation. My suggestion is do nothing. It will be evident in due time. Those of us who have been on the other side know we have dealt with so much deceit in the past...confrontation, especially without proof, is an invitation to lie some more.

If you are working your program, and I hope you are, keep doing so. If not, please give it a try.

Best to you!

I didn't bother asking since there was a good chance he would lie. I just said, "I think you are drinking again. Don't bother denying it. Just my spidey sense." I'm lucky, DH told me I had every right to not trust him. He said he wasn't, but understood my mistrust. Turns out, a few weeks later he did drink. Yeah, my spidey sense can kinda tell when the urge is building up in him.

[Anonymous]

OP, NP just chiming in to tell you I'm listening and hope for the best. There isn't anything easy about this road. Hugs.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:PP - What was it that helped about al anon (if you're still around)? My spouse won't go and I think it would help in understanding what I'm going through.

PP here.

Al Anon is not about the alcoholic or addict but about the person on the other side. Can it help the relationship and the recovery efforts? Sure, ''changed attitudes can aid recovery'' is one of their points. But each individual should at least try it and go to 6 meetings before deciding whether they can gain something from them.

As for what it did for me...so much it would be hard to list. Among the things it enabled me to let go on many levels, talk through some things that those in the program understand that others cannot, and most importantly it was a healing of self with some great aids to personal growth. But the thing is...each person will find something different, hence why I said they should at least try it.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP here - back to this thread because it seems DH is drinking again but I can't be sure. Any advice from folk out there how to go about confronting him given the background above and that I'm not 100%? Should I wait until I'm sure? What damage do I risk if he's not drinking again?

Unfortunately I don't think I have the patience to be sure or nice about it, but I could be convinced. Just so frustrating.

I have been in this situation. My suggestion is do nothing. It will be evident in due time. Those of us who have been on the other side know we have dealt with so much deceit in the past...confrontation, especially without proof, is an invitation to lie some more.

If you are working your program, and I hope you are, keep doing so. If not, please give it a try.

Best to you!

I didn't bother asking since there was a good chance he would lie. I just said, "I think you are drinking again. Don't bother denying it. Just my spidey sense." I'm lucky, DH told me I had every right to not trust him. He said he wasn't, but understood my mistrust. Turns out, a few weeks later he did drink. Yeah, my spidey sense can kinda tell when the urge is building up in him.

There is no question when you have lived with an alcoholic/addict we can see the signs even when they cannot. But, I would encourage you again to just ignore those signs...and yes I know we become conditioned to do otherwise...and focus on your own recovery and healing.

[Anonymous]

OP - so was he drinking? What's the story? Was thinking about this thread the other day and was curious what happened.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Wife of a recovered alcoholic.

Here's my take. You are in your own recovery process. You can label this contemplating having an affair, but what you are really going through is seeing your husband for real, seeing your marriage for real, and contemplating whether you want to stick around and whether your marriage is worth saving. Having an affair is a side show to that decision.

You need to own your own fallout from the alcoholism and own your own behavior. If you have an affair, it's YOUR BEHAVIOR. You can't blame him for it, just as he can't blame you while he was drinking and say "She made me drink." You can't say "He made me have an affair." Own your own actions. Make a decision.

Beautiful post. OP, please heed this advice.

[Anonymous]

As an Adult Child of an Alcoholic (ACOA) I was taught that even 40 years later, he is called a recovering alcoholic, not recovered ever.

Also for my dad, he was more miserable as a dry drunk and extremely abusive even when not drinking. It was a come to Jesus moment that everyone praises him for stopping drinking, but behind closed doors he is a psycho!!

To the original post though, an affair won't help the situation.

[Anonymous]

Affairs, yes, always make things better. Not.