DH sobered up, I'm contemplating an EA, advice?

[Anonymous]

What you are going through is totally normal. I've been in AA for a long time. (21 years in June) I've seen a lot of marriages break up when the alcoholic spouse gets sober. The spouse changes. In a lot of ways, they change for the better, but often those changes (even for the better) negatively affect the marriage. The non-alcoholic spouse gets a look at their sober spouse and decides "Nope, still don't want to be married to you." and wonders "Why did I wait around for THIS?"

A marriage to a sober alcoholic isn't all sunshine and roses. All of the problems aren't solved, just because the drunk stopped drinking.

So... you have to decide what to do and how to do it. You can stay or you can go and no one will blame you in either instance. (If your drunk spouse is angry at you, screw him. He needs to deal with his own side of the street.) For your sake, if you stay or go, try to do it cleanly. Be honest. Don't sneak around. If you're going to walk, just do it. If you're going to stay and work on the marriage, do that, without sneaking around on the side.

Good luck. This is a really tough situation for the marriage.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:What's an EA?

Emotional or Extramarital Affair.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:What you are going through is totally normal. I've been in AA for a long time. (21 years in June) I've seen a lot of marriages break up when the alcoholic spouse gets sober. The spouse changes. In a lot of ways, they change for the better, but often those changes (even for the better) negatively affect the marriage. The non-alcoholic spouse gets a look at their sober spouse and decides "Nope, still don't want to be married to you." and wonders "Why did I wait around for THIS?"

A marriage to a sober alcoholic isn't all sunshine and roses. All of the problems aren't solved, just because the drunk stopped drinking.

So... you have to decide what to do and how to do it. You can stay or you can go and no one will blame you in either instance. (If your drunk spouse is angry at you, screw him. He needs to deal with his own side of the street.) For your sake, if you stay or go, try to do it cleanly. Be honest. Don't sneak around. If you're going to walk, just do it. If you're going to stay and work on the marriage, do that, without sneaking around on the side.

Good luck. This is a really tough situation for the marriage.

I need to add one more thing: if this is about sex, then you are not wrong. You have reasonable expectations of physical affection in your marriage. You are totally within your rights to lay it on the table and tell him "I want physical affection and sex within my marriage. If you are not interested, that is a deal breaker for me. I am either going to have an affair or leave the marriage. Or we can work on this issue. Which would you prefer?"

[Anonymous]

So weird to write a lengthy post and abbreviate EA. Almost like it's too difficult to write it out. Don't do it.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP, I could have written your post - including the part about rationalizing that it is sort of equal treatment compared to the lying and sneaking around and emotional absence that goes with alcoholism. I havent had an affair but have had many serious fantasies about it - if the opportunity had really presented itself in a compelling way I might have. But I agree with other PPs - even if you feel better for a bit (recognized as an attractive, sexual person, given attention you lacked in the marriage, etc) it cant help with the marriage. That rationale makes you seem vindictive - imagine explaining to the marriage counselor that you felt 'justified'... If you want to try to save the marriage, be the strong one, go to therapy, and if it doesnt work out then you are free to go. DH and I have our first appointment this week....

OP here, thanks for this. I guess maybe I'm one step farther in my own strong fantasy by fixating on an actual person and thinking about plans (although perhaps you have too?). I intellectually understand that this is an emotional reaction and not a rational one, but emotion and phsicality are the missing parts! I think I'm strong enough to at least see through some counseling but don't have any plan or really any idea how long to stick it out. While it's easy enough to stay away from the object of my fantasy, that hurts too as I feel like I'm giving up yet another part of my life since we got along so well even before affair thoughts started running through my head.

You mentioned you're about to start with your husband in therapy, have you thought about how long you're willing to go on? I guess it depends on your progress. I really need to think this through before getting into therapy and think about what I'd like to see from him. Suggestions from anyone are welcome, although its probably a "know it when you see it" sort of thing i imagine.

Thinking this out a little and (finally) putting it down somewhere for feedback has helped already.

[Anonymous]

This is 6:16 again.

When you are married to an alcoholic, both of you become adept at covering up every need and pretending that things don't exist. And you escape into a fantasy of a relationship in which needs are fulfilled without ever expressing them. That doesn't exist.

Have you tried talking to your husband and saying, in words "Here's what I need. I need more support. I need more physical closeness and comfort. I need it on a daily basis."

Right now everything is perfect with the fantasy affair person because that's what he is -- a fantasy. In reality, he may totally suck.

[Anonymous]

My mother got real mean when she sobered up.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP, I could have written your post - including the part about rationalizing that it is sort of equal treatment compared to the lying and sneaking around and emotional absence that goes with alcoholism. I havent had an affair but have had many serious fantasies about it - if the opportunity had really presented itself in a compelling way I might have. But I agree with other PPs - even if you feel better for a bit (recognized as an attractive, sexual person, given attention you lacked in the marriage, etc) it cant help with the marriage. That rationale makes you seem vindictive - imagine explaining to the marriage counselor that you felt 'justified'... If you want to try to save the marriage, be the strong one, go to therapy, and if it doesnt work out then you are free to go. DH and I have our first appointment this week....

OP here, thanks for this. I guess maybe I'm one step farther in my own strong fantasy by fixating on an actual person and thinking about plans (although perhaps you have too?). I intellectually understand that this is an emotional reaction and not a rational one, but emotion and phsicality are the missing parts! I think I'm strong enough to at least see through some counseling but don't have any plan or really any idea how long to stick it out. While it's easy enough to stay away from the object of my fantasy, that hurts too as I feel like I'm giving up yet another part of my life since we got along so well even before affair thoughts started running through my head.

You mentioned you're about to start with your husband in therapy, have you thought about how long you're willing to go on? I guess it depends on your progress. I really need to think this through before getting into therapy and think about what I'd like to see from him. Suggestions from anyone are welcome, although its probably a "know it when you see it" sort of thing i imagine.

Thinking this out a little and (finally) putting it down somewhere for feedback has helped already.

I fixated on someone too in my fantasies, he just wasn't really attainable (a work acquaintance, not someone I ever spend time alone with). During the lowest of times, if the opportunity had arisen... At any rate, you asked about therapy. DH is willingly going, but I went to see someone myself for a few months first - I thought it was only fair to get my own house in order before making him face me, because I have a boatload of anger, distrust, etc. I now have a much better idea of what I want from marriage - a lot of it is what you describe - emotional connection and a sex life (haven't had one in years!), although I'm not sure what it will take to get back there or whether we will. We'll just have to see how it goes. I honestly dont think we'll ever get back to a good sex life, but the rest maybe...

FWIW, once I got through my "I should have an affair - it would serve him right for sneaking around, lying, hiding things from me, and meanwhile being completely unavailable" phase (not that it doesn't resurface but at least I'm not justifying it to myself anymore), what I've come to is this (YMMV): my husband is a stranger to me but he's not mean or abusive, he's a good dad, he does his share with the kids and around the house, and I dont really think I would be better off without him because I'm too old and too busy with work and kids to have much of a chance at finding love again. And while I think if I had the affair before we started therapy DH would probably 'forgive' me because it really would have been 'an eye for an eye' (that is, he knows I have to forgive him too), I know it would do a lot of damage.

Good luck!

PS - I had a very hard time finding a couples therapist that specializes in addiction, but my individual therapist pushed me to find one and not settle. I think our emotional issues are very tied up the addiction behavior, and she thought a specialist would be better at helping us unpack that.

[Anonymous]

Can erectile dysfunction in an alcoholic ever be reversed? My spouse is in recovery but sadly our dismal sex life has not improved.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

I fixated on someone too in my fantasies, he just wasn't really attainable (a work acquaintance, not someone I ever spend time alone with). During the lowest of times, if the opportunity had arisen... At any rate, you asked about therapy. DH is willingly going, but I went to see someone myself for a few months first - I thought it was only fair to get my own house in order before making him face me, because I have a boatload of anger, distrust, etc. I now have a much better idea of what I want from marriage - a lot of it is what you describe - emotional connection and a sex life (haven't had one in years!), although I'm not sure what it will take to get back there or whether we will. We'll just have to see how it goes. I honestly dont think we'll ever get back to a good sex life, but the rest maybe...

FWIW, once I got through my "I should have an affair - it would serve him right for sneaking around, lying, hiding things from me, and meanwhile being completely unavailable" phase (not that it doesn't resurface but at least I'm not justifying it to myself anymore), what I've come to is this (YMMV): my husband is a stranger to me but he's not mean or abusive, he's a good dad, he does his share with the kids and around the house, and I dont really think I would be better off without him because I'm too old and too busy with work and kids to have much of a chance at finding love again. And while I think if I had the affair before we started therapy DH would probably 'forgive' me because it really would have been 'an eye for an eye' (that is, he knows I have to forgive him too), I know it would do a lot of damage.

Good luck!

PS - I had a very hard time finding a couples therapist that specializes in addiction, but my individual therapist pushed me to find one and not settle. I think our emotional issues are very tied up the addiction behavior, and she thought a specialist would be better at helping us unpack that.

OP again, maybe you were one step farther than I! (I hope no offense - this day has really been cathartic for me, I'm kind of shocked).

More seriously, it sounds like you have some hope, which has given me hope - and also that it has already gotten better, or at least you have prepared yourself for the next steps. Thanks also for the note on addiction specialist in therapy, it is now on my list of criteria for a counselor - and I think DH should brighten to that thought in sobriety. Before, it would have outright hostility to the notion he had problem.

Good luck! And here's to hoping the next time you are in the same room as your work acquaintance there is enough momentum toward rebuilding with your DH emotionally and eventually physically, the thought doesn't cross the mind (I think I've made up my mind to stay away from my fixation for at least the duration of counseling).

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

OP again, maybe you were one step farther than I! (I hope no offense - this day has really been cathartic for me, I'm kind of shocked).

More seriously, it sounds like you have some hope, which has given me hope - and also that it has already gotten better, or at least you have prepared yourself for the next steps. Thanks also for the note on addiction specialist in therapy, it is now on my list of criteria for a counselor - and I think DH should brighten to that thought in sobriety. Before, it would have outright hostility to the notion he had problem.

Good luck! And here's to hoping the next time you are in the same room as your work acquaintance there is enough momentum toward rebuilding with your DH emotionally and eventually physically, the thought doesn't cross the mind (I think I've made up my mind to stay away from my fixation for at least the duration of counseling).

No offense taken - we gotta stick together! Unfortunately my fixation has a sexy voice so even those conference calls... I'm glad you have a little hope. Its the best we can ask for, and until we decide there isnt any hope anymore, we kinda have to live right, if you know what I mean. It is also ok to give up eventually but until you're ready to really do that, try to be on the up and up. Good luck to you.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

OP again, maybe you were one step farther than I! (I hope no offense - this day has really been cathartic for me, I'm kind of shocked).

More seriously, it sounds like you have some hope, which has given me hope - and also that it has already gotten better, or at least you have prepared yourself for the next steps. Thanks also for the note on addiction specialist in therapy, it is now on my list of criteria for a counselor - and I think DH should brighten to that thought in sobriety. Before, it would have outright hostility to the notion he had problem.

Good luck! And here's to hoping the next time you are in the same room as your work acquaintance there is enough momentum toward rebuilding with your DH emotionally and eventually physically, the thought doesn't cross the mind (I think I've made up my mind to stay away from my fixation for at least the duration of counseling).

No offense taken - we gotta stick together! Unfortunately my fixation has a sexy voice so even those conference calls... I'm glad you have a little hope. Its the best we can ask for, and until we decide there isnt any hope anymore, we kinda have to live right, if you know what I mean. It is also ok to give up eventually but until you're ready to really do that, try to be on the up and up. Good luck to you.

OP here - Sexy voice on calls? That's almost worse than in person, I might be alone in my office! I hope he is truly unobtainable then (married, kids, and gay!)

Huh. Now I know I feel better if I can joke about this.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Can erectile dysfunction in an alcoholic ever be reversed? My spouse is in recovery but sadly our dismal sex life has not improved.

Yes.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:What's an EA?

Emotional or Extramarital Affair.

Well, that's a big difference isn't it? One is emotional, the other your doing it to it.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:What's an EA?

Emotional or Extramarital Affair.

Well, that's a big difference isn't it? One is emotional, the other your doing it to it.

Both have equal potential to wreck a marriage.