DH sobered up, I'm contemplating an EA, advice?

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09/28/2015 20:17

Subject: DH sobered up, I'm contemplating an EA, advice?

quote

Anonymous

NP here - my DH just left for inpatient rehab this morning. OP and PPs who have gone through the same experience - how have your DHs changed in sobriety, if you're willing to
say?

I am very happy my DH is in rehab, but scared for the future, primarily of relapse but now after reading this even of sobriety (but it's good to know!). I'm sure he will learn a lot there, and there is a family weekend involved, but post-rehab, what can I expect? Any thoughts you have would be most appreciated, thanks!

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09/28/2015 21:12

Subject: DH sobered up, I'm contemplating an EA, advice?

quote

Anonymous

Anonymous wrote:NP here - my DH just left for inpatient rehab this morning. OP and PPs who have gone through the same experience - how have your DHs changed in sobriety, if you're willing to
say?

I am very happy my DH is in rehab, but scared for the future, primarily of relapse but now after reading this even of sobriety (but it's good to know!). I'm sure he will learn a lot there, and there is a family weekend involved, but post-rehab, what can I expect? Any thoughts you have would be most appreciated, thanks!

One of the PPs whose DH did rehab... Try to keep lines of comminication open with him (once they allow it, anyway) and let him know you are on his side and want to help. He will be learning things like what his triggers are, how to recognize them, early and what he needs to do to ward them off. You should want to know this too and help him (my DH needs to get out every day, usually to gym) - but addicts are often selfish so you also have to not let him take advantage (like, 'I need to sleep so you will have to get up with the baby every time so I dont relapse' might go too far).

Also learn the 12 steps or whatever the basis of his program is so you can talk about it.

I feel like I failed at being part of the treatment, and now I'm struggling to learn who my DH is - because he definitely isnt who he was for the last X years of drinking, and I can barely remember who he was before that. It is a struggle.

Good luck, PP, and remember, one day at a time!

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09/28/2015 23:42

Subject: DH sobered up, I'm contemplating an EA, advice?

quote

Anonymous

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:NP here - my DH just left for inpatient rehab this morning. OP and PPs who have gone through the same experience - how have your DHs changed in sobriety, if you're willing to
say?

I am very happy my DH is in rehab, but scared for the future, primarily of relapse but now after reading this even of sobriety (but it's good to know!). I'm sure he will learn a lot there, and there is a family weekend involved, but post-rehab, what can I expect? Any thoughts you have would be most appreciated, thanks!

One of the PPs whose DH did rehab... Try to keep lines of comminication open with him (once they allow it, anyway) and let him know you are on his side and want to help. He will be learning things like what his triggers are, how to recognize them, early and what he needs to do to ward them off. You should want to know this too and help him (my DH needs to get out every day, usually to gym) - but addicts are often selfish so you also have to not let him take advantage (like, 'I need to sleep so you will have to get up with the baby every time so I dont relapse' might go too far).

Also learn the 12 steps or whatever the basis of his program is so you can talk about it.

I feel like I failed at being part of the treatment, and now I'm struggling to learn who my DH is - because he definitely isnt who he was for the last X years of drinking, and I can barely remember who he was before that. It is a struggle.

Good luck, PP, and remember, one day at a time!

I have recommended this before and feel it is worth repeating. Al Anon. It is a program for those who have been affected by alcoholics and addicts. But, it can also help guide you when the alcoholic or addict is going through their time working on sobriety. In one of their readings is a phrase, ''changed attitudes can aid recovery'' and that is very true. But most importantly, you will find people that have walked, and are walking, the path you are on now.

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10/05/2015 21:26

Subject: Re:DH sobered up, I'm contemplating an EA, advice?

quote

Anonymous

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Fire away? Well, not sure I want to convince someone to give all that up. But you seem more than a little conflicted. There's the bolded part above, and you also wrote, "I havent had an affair but have had many serious fantasies about it - if the opportunity had really presented itself in a compelling way I might have." So, "very elaborate and serious fantasies" along with contemplation of actually carrying it through. That's a bit more than casual fantasizing about an attractive colleague/acquaintance (sexy voice or not). You said he was unobtainable for whatever reason, would the fantasizing be just as intense if he was obtainable with a little work? Or would that be too scary? The unobtainability might make it "safe," unless he suddenly starts being interested and that falls away, stranger things have happened (I suppose if he's gay then you're safe). More broadly and in the longer term, someone might come along without that hurdle. I guess if the fantasizing is a "safe escape" from no physical relationship, then it's less serious boding for the future than if it's something you are wishing would happen.

More importantly, in my mind, is do you think the fantasizing will stop if you and DH get back to some kind of, but not good, physical relationship? Or at least move back to a more "normal" level? Also, if the fantasized OM is truly unobtainable then it would be giving up the marriage for the possibility of good sex with someone other than that person, plus the mess of divorce and what sounds like would be shared custody. You also hit on it, "possibility," no guarantee OM is "rockin' in the sack."

All that said, overall, you list great reasons for staying. Also, you mentioned counseling above, so clearly you have decided give it a go, intense fantasies or not. On balance, probably the right decision if you are truly serious about reconciling and not checking a box on the way to divorce (or affair). I get the feeling it's the former and the right choice. And sounds like DH is in for some surprises, shocks, and unpleasant realities. Are you planning on sharing this and related thoughts with him? Not sure I have advice on that. Maybe it depends on whether he knows the OM, and hard to say which direction that might push a decision. If he's really unobtainable and DH knows/can be shown that, then it would seem much less threatening. But that's really a small part of therapy - bigger fish to fry I would say for now.

That's a lot of free form psychoanalysis/questions on an anonymous message board, so, you get what you pay for.

So, it was definitely more than harmless fantasy, which is why I chimed originally to respond to OP. It consumed me for a while. Maybe only because he's unattainable (not gay, but married, high profile and not likely to take the risk), but it was way more intense than any crush/fantasy I've had before. Possibly just that I'm in my early 40s and about a year and a half out of a 5 year period of either being pregnant or nursing, so maybe my hormones are just going wild. But I went through all the same rationalizations as OP- this would make me feel better, DH doesn't give me what I need, he sort of deserves it for sneaking around on me, etc." And during that time if the OM had appeared in my office door and tried to seduce me I would have been a goner, no question. At any rate, I have put aside the rationalizations and realized that doing it would surely make fixing my marriage far more difficult, if not impossible. So I'm giving the marriage a try, but if we cant get to a place where I feel reasonably satisfied (sexually and otherwise) I guess I'll need to move on. I'm depressed at the thought of never having great sex again (there go those 40YO hormones!) but the rest of it matters too. And yes, DH is going to hear some of this, although maybe not the detail of who we're talking about and what he did to me in my fantasies