Reply to DH sobered up, I'm contemplating an EA, advice?

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[quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous]PP here, that came out wrong. I'm sure DH is worth it if you get there, would you have married him if not?  Again, good luck. [/quote]

the PP you were responding to and no worries, no offense, I dont disagree.  I'm in my early 40's but I have 2 young kids I adore and a stable home life and a big job.  I wish like hell I had more confidence that I could improve my sex life, but I dont - it was never rockin' to begin with with DH (we were well matched in every other way and I thought I had had my fun in my 20's, I could live with it).  Given all that has transpired it's hard to imagine him becoming a stud in the sack at this point.  I've gone back and forth about it, as you can tell [b]from my musings with OP about my very elaborate fantasies about the guy with the sexy voice[/b], but what I come to in my saner moments (and what I've been trying to convey to OP) is that we have so much going for us: we're good parenting partners, happy kids, jobs that only work because of how we share the responsibilities, and I think we can get back to at least being good friends again.  Should I really give that up for the possibility of good sex?  I've been tempted but it just doesn't seem rational.

Fire away - maybe I should...?[/quote]

PP here - oh good, glad no offense, some of the posts here are not the most kind and when I reread my post it sounded like one of those and I cringed.

Fire away?  Well, not sure I want to convince someone to give all that up.  But you seem more than a little conflicted.  There's the bolded part above, and you also wrote, "I havent had an affair but have had many serious fantasies about it - if the opportunity had really presented itself in a compelling way I might have."  So, "very elaborate and serious fantasies"  along with contemplation of actually carrying it through.  That's a bit more than  casual fantasizing about an attractive colleague/acquaintance (sexy voice or not).  You said he was unobtainable for whatever reason, would the fantasizing be just as intense if he was obtainable with a little work?  Or would that be too scary?  The unobtainability might make it "safe," unless he suddenly starts being interested and that falls away, stranger things have happened (I suppose if he's gay then you're safe).  More broadly and in the longer term, someone might come along without that hurdle.  I guess if the fantasizing is a "safe escape" from no physical relationship, then it's less serious boding for the future than if it's something you are wishing would happen.

More importantly, in my mind, is do you think the fantasizing will stop if you and DH get back to some kind of, but not good, physical relationship?  Or at least move back to a more "normal" level?  Also, if the fantasized OM is truly unobtainable then it would be giving up the marriage for the possibility of good sex with someone other than that person, plus the mess of divorce and what sounds like would be shared custody.  You also hit on it, "possibility," no guarantee OM is "rockin' in the sack."

All that said, overall, you list great reasons for staying.  Also, you mentioned counseling above, so clearly you have decided give it a go, intense fantasies or not.  On balance, probably the right decision if you are truly serious about reconciling and not checking a box on the way to divorce (or affair).  I get the feeling it's the former and the right choice.  And sounds like DH is in for some surprises, shocks, and unpleasant realities.  Are you planning on sharing this and related thoughts with him?  Not sure I have advice on that.  Maybe it depends on whether he knows the OM, and hard to say which direction that might push a decision.  If he's really unobtainable and DH knows/can be shown that, then it would seem much less threatening.  But that's really a small part of therapy - bigger fish to fry I would say for now.

That's a lot of free form psychoanalysis/questions on an anonymous message board, so, you get what you pay for. :) [/quote]

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