DH sobered up, I'm contemplating an EA, advice?
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Anonymous
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My DH, after several years battling alcoholism, has been sober for just over 10 months now, and good for him. However, the physical and emotional neglect of the past few years has continued into DH's sobriety. I have just started Al Anon and DH is receptive to marriage counseling, which gives me confidence or at least hope that the emotional aspect of our marriage will be addressed (or at least there will be an attempt).
That leaves the physical part. Here is where I feel most betrayed by DH's drinking and am worried that counseling will fail. I'm pretty sure DH never cheated (obviously I can't know), but the lying about how much and when DH was drinking ("only two drinks"), the sneaking around, and the physical danger feels very much like he did (worse in some ways). I feel violated. Had DH shown some interest in me after quitting this feeling would have subsided (I think), but there has been nothing. I'm so angry about this specifically and the entire thing generally that I've been contemplating an EA. So much so that I've got a target (former colleauge out of town, love each other's company each time we get together, married but I think he's interested and has a place). I'm at fault myself on this score some, but its not close to 50/50. Also, I have to admit there is a small element of "revenge" at play. But mostly, it's a need that also of course has feedback into our emotional relationship. It's just been so...draining, and empty. And DH is not giving me any hope on this side of the relationship. Has anyone else experienced something similar, especially with a recovering DH or DW (doesn't necessarily have to be alcohol)? Did you stray or take steps in that direction? If so, how did you feel afterward? Did it help? If so, how? If faithful, what's kept you going and helped you stay faithful? I feel like I'm at a tipping point and real life examples will help, or at least inform and give food for thought. |
Anonymous
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My husband was smoking pot and drinking pretty heavily daily. I knew about the drinking but had no clue about the pot. When he started up with the pot, he got crazy paranoid and mean as hell. That went on about a year of almost daily fights, his saying HORRIBLE things (I'm a whore, he will take our child away, he will tell our child how much of a whore I am). Bad stuff (to me anyway).
He got a DWI and that was a come to Jesus moment for him. He stopped drinking and drugging immediately. And the nice man I married returned. However, I completely understand the deep and enduring hurt that comes from those years of hell and disrespect. It took 2 years before I even started enjoying sex with him again. And still I can feel myself hold back. Not fully trust. I have a child, and I feel it's my ethical o ligation to do everything I can to work on the marriage. So I did. I also don't believe in cheating in general. I would feel like I failed my own ethical expectations if I cheated. I would separate first before starting something with someone else. But that's me. and if my husband weren't doing anything to help repair the marriage, and it sounds like yours isn't, I'd be on a fast road to separating. |
Anonymous
| EA? |
Anonymous
| ^guessing it's Extramarital Affair. |
Anonymous
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Wife of a recovered alcoholic.
Here's my take. You are in your own recovery process. You can label this contemplating having an affair, but what you are really going through is seeing your husband for real, seeing your marriage for real, and contemplating whether you want to stick around and whether your marriage is worth saving. Having an affair is a side show to that decision. You need to own your own fallout from the alcoholism and own your own behavior. If you have an affair, it's YOUR BEHAVIOR. You can't blame him for it, just as he can't blame you while he was drinking and say "She made me drink." You can't say "He made me have an affair." Own your own actions. Make a decision. |
Anonymous
| An affair is just a pussy way of ending your marriage. You're delusional if you think it will fix anything. |
Anonymous
Excellent post. |
Anonymous
| Why bother in the marriage if you are going to sabotage it just as it has a chance of getting better? Decide what you want - in or out - and fully commit to that. This just sounds like a way to drag out the end of your marriage. |
Anonymous
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I agree with 06:16. Now comes the hard part.
(When I first read the title, I first thought of "Employee Assistance," which I thought, "Good idea." However, the same can't be said for Extramarital Affair. |
Anonymous
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Excellent post from 06:16. OP, I totally understand how you're feeling. My DH suffers from depression/ADHD and much of what you describe applies to our marriage. There was a really rough period that lasted a couple years that I felt abandoned He was in an uncontrolled depression, unavailable physically and emotionally to our family, short tempered with the me and the kids and not at all the person I married. And the lies! Even when he got his depression under control, he still lied about shit constantly. I saw some of our family pictures taken 6 years ago and remember how bad our situation was at that time. It was like a slap in the face that woke me up to just how much our relationship has deteriorated. This isn't what I envisioned all those years ago when we were first married and I'm not willing to live my life this way any more. So I'm making changes.
These changes do NOT include an EA. As tempting as it can be, as ego boosting, as energizing and all that, it's just not who I want to be. The circumstances I've lived through these last 7 years are classic causes of affairs but that wouldn't justify MY behavior. I know I'd feel 10x worse afterwards. It's just not worth it - not because of the hurt it would cause my husband but because of how it would hurt me. I don't need to deal with that on top of everything else I need to deal with. It never ends well. Hugs. |
Anonymous
| Do you have kids, OP? |
Anonymous
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Your so mentally ill, you're willing not only to compromise your morals and destroy your marriage, you're willing to take down someone else's as well.
Get help. Stop sabotaging your life. |
Anonymous
| You're* |
Anonymous
| OP, I could have written your post - including the part about rationalizing that it is sort of equal treatment compared to the lying and sneaking around and emotional absence that goes with alcoholism. I havent had an affair but have had many serious fantasies about it - if the opportunity had really presented itself in a compelling way I might have. But I agree with other PPs - even if you feel better for a bit (recognized as an attractive, sexual person, given attention you lacked in the marriage, etc) it cant help with the marriage. That rationale makes you seem vindictive - imagine explaining to the marriage counselor that you felt 'justified'... If you want to try to save the marriage, be the strong one, go to therapy, and if it doesnt work out then you are free to go. DH and I have our first appointment this week.... |
Anonymous
| What's an EA? |