Husband’s female friend encroaching

[Anonymous]

My husband has had a female friend since he was about ten years old and they are very close. Initially it bothered me but over time I realized that they are and will always be great buddies. At one point she was divorced and that got my attention but my husband has never given me a reason to not believe they are just friends. At one point early on I asked if he had ever slept with her and that was stupid on my part given I’ve had guy friends who I didn’t sleep with.

[Anonymous]

Encroachment on #69 , 5 yard penalty and loss of getting down for a week.
We will be taking a phone text timeout.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Ok, so I am 99% sure he’s not attracted to her or anything like that, it’s a truly platonic friendship going back many years, she’s married too etc, but (of course there’s a BUT) she’s texting my husband, calling etc way too damn much for my taste about random stuff. I’m just not ok with it. It feels like it is crossing a line. I keep having that internal debate about, well but what’s the harm and they’ve been friends since way before I met him even and they talk about benign boring things it seems but then the other side of me wonders why the hell she is asking my husband this stuff and not finding someone else to ask. I fear I may just one day lose it and get pissed. Any one have wise thoughts?

Yeah no call me old fashioned but that wouldn’t flush in a straight heterosexual relationship to me. I would not like my husband talking to some other woman that’s not a relative of his on the phone like that all the time. He may not have feelings for her now but that’s how things develop investing time and energy into another woman like that.

If he pushes back and puts the feelings of this other woman first than you know where you stand and I would take him to marriage counseling ASAP to give him a reminder of what it means to put your spouse first and that goes double for some other woman.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:
Ask yourself: "Would I be this mad if the friend was male?"

If the answer is yes, talk to your husband about your concerns.

If the answer is no, then shut up.

Ehh no assuming this is a straight couple it’s highly highly inappropriate for a married man to be investing this much time into another woman that isn’t his wife or relative. What is he getting from this other woman that he needs all these phone calls from her that his wife can’t fill?

I don’t know many man who just chat on the phone for shits and giggles and here he is being married and investing all this time speaking on the phone with a woman who isn’t his wife. Hell no.

With a male friend feelings of attraction or an emotional affair can’t develop. This woman is married and so is OP’s husband why is she calling some other man everyday with her issues instead of talking to her husband or better yet why aren’t the spouses included in these interactions?

I hate this idea that a woman just has to turn a blind eye to problematic behaviors or she isn’t seen as the “cool” wife. Where there is smoke there is fire. Just because they haven’t officially crossed the line (yet) doesn’t mean there isn’t a problem there there.

Plus spouse should come first in your life and certainly over any other woman who is just a friend.

If my husband came to me with legit issues about a male friend constantly contacting me I wouldn’t have to think twice about whose feelings come first.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My spouse tried to police my contacts with old friends and colleagues. I shut that controlling sh** down immediately.

+1 This woman has been a platonic (OP’s words) friend longer than there’s been a wife.

Yeah because that makes it immune for an emotional affair (I would argue is already happening) to happen.

My husband doesn’t even talk to his own MOTHER that much so certainly if he was talking to some other woman that much we would have problems.

I really hate the argument that they were friends first as if that gives a pass for inappropriate behavior to occur or like they are immune from things crossing the line. I could be wrong but it sounds like you are heavily insinuating that because they were friends longer than they were married that the marriage is less important than the friendship.

When no when you take your vows to be married that means you are placing your spouse first. I can’t believe that you would ever think his relationship with this other woman should trump that of his own wife!! His wife is the one he shares his life with, possibly has children with, sleeps next to at night, grows old with. What could possibly trump that?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My spouse tried to police my contacts with old friends and colleagues. I shut that controlling sh** down immediately.

+1 This woman has been a platonic (OP’s words) friend longer than there’s been a wife.

Where are you getting that from? I went back and OP never said how long they've been married...

Truth be told it doesn’t matter that they haven’t been married as long as they been friends. They are still married. You don’t have to cross a certain number of married years before you should be able to expect your partner to put you first.

That’s a gaslighting phrase ppl like to use to excuse poor behavior and boundaries or to make it sound like the wife is wrong for wanting to not come second to another woman in her husbands life.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Pretty sure this is a well known troll on this site, but anyway no, you don’t get to police your husbands interactions with his friends from before you were an item. If you’re so insecure you don’t think men should have female friends, why did you continue to date and marry someone who did? That’s on you bee.

Bee? Wrong forum. This isn’t weddingbee.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I don’t even talk/text my own female friends as much as this woman is contacting your husband. You have every right to be suspicious and should always trust your gut. She’s likely bored with her own husband and likes the validation she’s getting from yours.

What a weird response— almost seems sock puppety— because OP never said how often the woman is texting her husband, just that it was too much in her opinion.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:
Ask yourself: "Would I be this mad if the friend was male?"

If the answer is yes, talk to your husband about your concerns.

If the answer is no, then shut up.

This. Except if the answer is yes you should first ask yourself why it bothers you your husband texts with his friends.

[Anonymous]

This happened to me I thought there was no.way.he.was.attracted.to.her.

She literally looks like a man, like Pat from SNL.

I thought oh that’s nice she probably needs a friend.

But nope he was banging her.

Btw we had tons of sex and I look like Demi Moore.( presurgery demi)

Oh well, we divorced.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My spouse tried to police my contacts with old friends and colleagues. I shut that controlling sh** down immediately.

+1 This woman has been a platonic (OP’s words) friend longer than there’s been a wife.

Where are you getting that from? I went back and OP never said how long they've been married...

Truth be told it doesn’t matter that they haven’t been married as long as they been friends. They are still married. You don’t have to cross a certain number of married years before you should be able to expect your partner to put you first.

That’s a gaslighting phrase ppl like to use to excuse poor behavior and boundaries or to make it sound like the wife is wrong for wanting to not come second to another woman in her husbands life.

Can you explain your thinking here? How is the friend coming in first? He supports his wife financially. He LIVES with his wife. He does chores for their house/children/family. He probably watches TV with her and talks to her. He parents with her.

And because he has texts with a platonic woman friend, he is putting the friend first?

I’m unable to follow that logic at all. Why can’t good friends exist outside of a marriage/relationship? He ISN”T married to the friend. He is a support to that friend becuase that is what friends do, support each other. But his wife is still MORE supported by him (sexually, financially, physically and emotionally).

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My spouse tried to police my contacts with old friends and colleagues. I shut that controlling sh** down immediately.

+1 This woman has been a platonic (OP’s words) friend longer than there’s been a wife.

Where are you getting that from? I went back and OP never said how long they've been married...

Truth be told it doesn’t matter that they haven’t been married as long as they been friends. They are still married. You don’t have to cross a certain number of married years before you should be able to expect your partner to put you first.

That’s a gaslighting phrase ppl like to use to excuse poor behavior and boundaries or to make it sound like the wife is wrong for wanting to not come second to another woman in her husbands life.

Can you explain your thinking here? How is the friend coming in first? He supports his wife financially. He LIVES with his wife. He does chores for their house/children/family. He probably watches TV with her and talks to her. He parents with her.

And because he has texts with a platonic woman friend, he is putting the friend first?

I’m unable to follow that logic at all. Why can’t good friends exist outside of a marriage/relationship? He ISN”T married to the friend. He is a support to that friend becuase that is what friends do, support each other. But his wife is still MORE supported by him (sexually, financially, physically and emotionally).

I wasn’t saying he doesn’t put his wife first on a day to day basis. I meant more that if he pushes back against OP’s wishes to cut back he is putting this need for friendship with this other woman over his own wife. If it’s so platonic why can’t they all be friends? Including the spouses. Do like double dates group chatting. Why does the friendship have to remain just the 2 of them if it’s just platonic, right?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My spouse tried to police my contacts with old friends and colleagues. I shut that controlling sh** down immediately.

+1 This woman has been a platonic (OP’s words) friend longer than there’s been a wife.

Where are you getting that from? I went back and OP never said how long they've been married...

Truth be told it doesn’t matter that they haven’t been married as long as they been friends. They are still married. You don’t have to cross a certain number of married years before you should be able to expect your partner to put you first.

That’s a gaslighting phrase ppl like to use to excuse poor behavior and boundaries or to make it sound like the wife is wrong for wanting to not come second to another woman in her husbands life.

Can you explain your thinking here? How is the friend coming in first? He supports his wife financially. He LIVES with his wife. He does chores for their house/children/family. He probably watches TV with her and talks to her. He parents with her.

And because he has texts with a platonic woman friend, he is putting the friend first?

I’m unable to follow that logic at all. Why can’t good friends exist outside of a marriage/relationship? He ISN”T married to the friend. He is a support to that friend becuase that is what friends do, support each other. But his wife is still MORE supported by him (sexually, financially, physically and emotionally).

I wasn’t saying he doesn’t put his wife first on a day to day basis. I meant more that if he pushes back against OP’s wishes to cut back he is putting this need for friendship with this other woman over his own wife. If it’s so platonic why can’t they all be friends? Including the spouses. Do like double dates group chatting. Why does the friendship have to remain just the 2 of them if it’s just platonic, right?

Well, no. Pushing back would be a natural and understandable reaction to an inappropriate request. It’s about rejecting her attempt to control him, it’s not really about the friend.

[Anonymous]

This makes me sad. I have a couple of male friends I text every day. We are just friends. Same as with my female friends. I think it's healthy to have actual friendships with both genders. And I will add, as someone who has been married 30 years, married couples never provide 100% what they each need in terms of human interaction. Friends fill a critical spot in people's lives.

I'd say, without something more going on here, there's nothing to worry about.

[Anonymous]

Not enough info to send make a judgement call. DH has a few women he texts with regularly. I have never felt threatened.

- Married 21 years.