Husband’s female friend encroaching

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My spouse tried to police my contacts with old friends and colleagues. I shut that controlling sh** down immediately.

+1 This woman has been a platonic (OP’s words) friend longer than there’s been a wife.

Where are you getting that from? I went back and OP never said how long they've been married...

But if it’s on the up and up why wouldn’t this other woman reach out to be friend the OP and show some respect to their marriage? or even more importantly her husband include her

Truth be told it doesn’t matter that they haven’t been married as long as they been friends. They are still married. You don’t have to cross a certain number of married years before you should be able to expect your partner to put you first.

That’s a gaslighting phrase ppl like to use to excuse poor behavior and boundaries or to make it sound like the wife is wrong for wanting to not come second to another woman in her husbands life.

Can you explain your thinking here? How is the friend coming in first? He supports his wife financially. He LIVES with his wife. He does chores for their house/children/family. He probably watches TV with her and talks to her. He parents with her.

And because he has texts with a platonic woman friend, he is putting the friend first?

I’m unable to follow that logic at all. Why can’t good friends exist outside of a marriage/relationship? He ISN”T married to the friend. He is a support to that friend becuase that is what friends do, support each other. But his wife is still MORE supported by him (sexually, financially, physically and emotionally).

I wasn’t saying he doesn’t put his wife first on a day to day basis. I meant more that if he pushes back against OP’s wishes to cut back he is putting this need for friendship with this other woman over his own wife. If it’s so platonic why can’t they all be friends? Including the spouses. Do like double dates group chatting. Why does the friendship have to remain just the 2 of them if it’s just platonic, right?

Well, no. Pushing back would be a natural and understandable reaction to an inappropriate request. It’s about rejecting her attempt to control him, it’s not really about the friend.

[Anonymous]

This is sad - my closest friends from college are guys. We have a completely separate text chain and my DH isn’t on it at all. We text all the time. Random mundane crap.

I also have a separate text with one of them who I am probably closest too. He is like a brother to me.

I would be severely annoyed if my DH told me shouldn’t text anymore. I have known these guys way longer than I have known my husband.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:This is sad - my closest friends from college are guys. We have a completely separate text chain and my DH isn’t on it at all. We text all the time. Random mundane crap.

I also have a separate text with one of them who I am probably closest too. He is like a brother to me.

I would be severely annoyed if my DH told me shouldn’t text anymore. I have known these guys way longer than I have known my husband.

Why do ppl keep saying you have known these friends longer as if that makes them more important than your marriage

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:This is sad - my closest friends from college are guys. We have a completely separate text chain and my DH isn’t on it at all. We text all the time. Random mundane crap.

I also have a separate text with one of them who I am probably closest too. He is like a brother to me.

I would be severely annoyed if my DH told me shouldn’t text anymore. I have known these guys way longer than I have known my husband.

Why do ppl keep saying you have known these friends longer as if that makes them more important than your marriage

Because these aren’t new female friends. Several posters have mentioned opposite sex friends that they’ve have for years pre-marriage. You don’t get married and then throw out all your friends. And to insist your spouse does, is controlling.

Also, not a single person has said that the friend is more important than the marriage. The friend in question has also never done anything inappropriate per OP.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:This is sad - my closest friends from college are guys. We have a completely separate text chain and my DH isn’t on it at all. We text all the time. Random mundane crap.

I also have a separate text with one of them who I am probably closest too. He is like a brother to me.

I would be severely annoyed if my DH told me shouldn’t text anymore. I have known these guys way longer than I have known my husband.

My guess is your husband has met them and is ok with it. But if a spouse has instincts that something doesn’t seem right, better listen up or it could become a big problem in marriage.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Pretty sure this is a well known troll on this site, but anyway no, you don’t get to police your husbands interactions with his friends from before you were an item. If you’re so insecure you don’t think men should have female friends, why did you continue to date and marry someone who did? That’s on you bee.

Bee? Wrong forum. This isn’t weddingbee.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My spouse tried to police my contacts with old friends and colleagues. I shut that controlling sh** down immediately.

+1 This woman has been a platonic (OP’s words) friend longer than there’s been a wife.

Where are you getting that from? I went back and OP never said how long they've been married...

Truth be told it doesn’t matter that they haven’t been married as long as they been friends. They are still married. You don’t have to cross a certain number of married years before you should be able to expect your partner to put you first.

That’s a gaslighting phrase ppl like to use to excuse poor behavior and boundaries or to make it sound like the wife is wrong for wanting to not come second to another woman in her husbands life.

Can you explain your thinking here? How is the friend coming in first? He supports his wife financially. He LIVES with his wife. He does chores for their house/children/family. He probably watches TV with her and talks to her. He parents with her.

And because he has texts with a platonic woman friend, he is putting the friend first?

I’m unable to follow that logic at all. Why can’t good friends exist outside of a marriage/relationship? He ISN”T married to the friend. He is a support to that friend becuase that is what friends do, support each other. But his wife is still MORE supported by him (sexually, financially, physically and emotionally).

I wasn’t saying he doesn’t put his wife first on a day to day basis. I meant more that if he pushes back against OP’s wishes to cut back he is putting this need for friendship with this other woman over his own wife. If it’s so platonic why can’t they all be friends? Including the spouses. Do like double dates group chatting. Why does the friendship have to remain just the 2 of them if it’s just platonic, right?

Do you really feel the NEED to be friends with every one of your spouses friends? Or just the non-male ones?
"Pushing back" on insane insecure controlling spouses is not a bad thing.

[Anonymous]

Your instincts are probably correct.

[Anonymous]

Wait. In her original post, OP said too much texting for her taste.

How often is she texting?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Pretty sure this is a well known troll on this site, but anyway no, you don’t get to police your husbands interactions with his friends from before you were an item. If you’re so insecure you don’t think men should have female friends, why did you continue to date and marry someone who did? That’s on you bee.

Anyone know soexcited123 who used to frequent weddingbee and she created a ton of different user names to troll?

[Anonymous]

If it’s bothering you, you need to bring it up.

“I’m glad you and Larla have been friends all these years. I’ve noticed you’ve been texting more than usual lately. Is she going through a rough patch? If not, I’m not really comfortable with the frequency. Sometimes it feels like you guys talk more than we do!”

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:He should make it a group chat. You're there, so they should be aware of it and tempered by it.

Goodness no. That's Pence-level weirdness.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Ok, so I am 99% sure he’s not attracted to her or anything like that, it’s a truly platonic friendship going back many years, she’s married too etc, but (of course there’s a BUT) she’s texting my husband, calling etc way too damn much for my taste about random stuff. I’m just not ok with it. It feels like it is crossing a line. I keep having that internal debate about, well but what’s the harm and they’ve been friends since way before I met him even and they talk about benign boring things it seems but then the other side of me wonders why the hell she is asking my husband this stuff and not finding someone else to ask. I fear I may just one day lose it and get pissed. Any one have wise thoughts?

I definitely have thoughts. First of all your feelings and concerns are totally valid here. Don't let the folks that always rush into these threads to be the contrarian make you feel otherwise. I had a similar situation in my marriage. She was always there, texting, FB, Twitter. She seemed to really enjoy collecting married male friends, and made a huge show of it on social media. This was no one he *needed* to interact with for work/a hobby etc so I finally asked him if this could slow down so her need for attention wasn't taking priority over our family. He very begrudgingly agreed. A few weeks later when I thought this was resolved, I saw him texting away with her one night on a burner phone. 🙄 He wasn't willing or able to control himself. I eventually left, not because of this specifically but because it showed how out of whack his priorities were. I had the same questions then that I would for your DH too, mainly why? Why him, what's going on with her? Is this a temporary situation?

What the ever-loving heck? OMG.

[Anonymous]

My old friend was engaged to someone like you.

I thought she was ridiculous . I had had many opportunities to date her rich husband when he was free and single. I was not ever the least bit attracted to him, and he knew that well.

So the whole “threat” was all in her insecure head.

Needless to say, they eventually broke up.

[Anonymous]

OP is missing in action....