Husband’s female friend encroaching
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Anonymous
This. She’s looking for an AP, emotional physical or both. |
Anonymous
| Why haven't you told him how you feel yet OP? |
Anonymous
| My spouse tried to police my contacts with old friends and colleagues. I shut that controlling sh** down immediately. |
Anonymous
+1 This woman has been a platonic (OP’s words) friend longer than there’s been a wife. |
Anonymous
+ 2. And she hasn't yet told him how she feels because she knows that she's insecure and controlling. |
Anonymous
Where are you getting that from? I went back and OP never said how long they've been married... |
Anonymous
| DH had a friend who was in love with him and when we first started dating she’d text him precisely at times we were most likely to be together (breakfast/brunch in the weekends, evenings, etc.). She was also weirdly competitive with me when we were together (she tried to get me into a singing contest with her once which was comical). Anyway, I told my husband she was actively seeking his attention and trying to provoke my jealousy, which I could see through and while she had no effect on me, he needed to put a stop on it if he wanted to date me. He resisted in the moment but a few hours later came back, said you were right and fixed the problem. No idea how he did it but she stopped. She still (12 years later) emails him a few times a year and he always makes a point of telling me about it, and I have no issue with that. |
Anonymous
Reading the OP really helps: “they’ve been friends since way before I met him even” |
Anonymous
|
OP — you talk about “crossing a line” — as though this “line” is something universally known and understood. It isn’t. I think it helps to keep this in mind as you plan to address this with your husband, because it’s YOUR line, and you need to clearly communicate this, acknowledging that it’s YOURS rather than something engraved in stone that he somehow “crossed”. I say this because it sounds like your husband and his friend have been very respectful of your marital relationship, and treating either of them as though they haven’t been respectful will likely lead to resentment. So, as others have suggested, figure out what your personal “lines” are, and have a conversation with your husband to understand what his are. The ideal is to end up, if not on the same page, at least understanding your partner’s viewpoints and needs.
The issue here is your “taste” and the possibility of “losing it” — and it’s on you, not your husband or his friend — to sort that out for yourself. What stands out to me is your question: Why doesn’t she “find someone else to ask?” She’s asking a long-time, trusted, friend — which is really what people do. When you talk to your married female friends, do you pause to ask yourself if you’re “crossing a line?” If not, then ask why this is different for you. You married someone capable of sustaining positive, long term relationships. Maybe ask yourself too, if this is something that attracts and sustains you, what else might change if your husband steps back from a long term trusted relationship solely to meet your needs. Please note that you haven’t given enough details for me to impose my own standards on this — and that might get you a wider range of responses, as we each imagine what our own, often unspoken, “lines” might be. |
Anonymous
I definitely have thoughts. First of all your feelings and concerns are totally valid here. Don't let the folks that always rush into these threads to be the contrarian make you feel otherwise. I had a similar situation in my marriage. She was always there, texting, FB, Twitter. She seemed to really enjoy collecting married male friends, and made a huge show of it on social media. This was no one he *needed* to interact with for work/a hobby etc so I finally asked him if this could slow down so her need for attention wasn't taking priority over our family. He very begrudgingly agreed. A few weeks later when I thought this was resolved, I saw him texting away with her one night on a burner phone. 🙄 He wasn't willing or able to control himself. I eventually left, not because of this specifically but because it showed how out of whack his priorities were. I had the same questions then that I would for your DH too, mainly why? Why him, what's going on with her? Is this a temporary situation? |
Anonymous
So you've seen the text it's nothing inappropriate. He's not ignoring you to talk to her or be with her. The problem is with you |
Anonymous
| Pretty sure this is a well known troll on this site, but anyway no, you don’t get to police your husbands interactions with his friends from before you were an item. If you’re so insecure you don’t think men should have female friends, why did you continue to date and marry someone who did? That’s on you bee. |
Anonymous
| How often is he talking and texting her? Is it taking time away from your relationship? |
Anonymous
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If it bothers you, and you have a history of being reasonable in his option, he should have it stop.
The specifics of whether you're exactly right or not, in this instance, shouldn't matter. You have a preference and have earned the right to have that preference considered. It would be kind if he honored that. |
Anonymous
This is very dangerous language. This is how abusive people control their spouse. |