Husband’s female friend encroaching

[Anonymous]

Ok, so I am 99% sure he’s not attracted to her or anything like that, it’s a truly platonic friendship going back many years, she’s married too etc, but (of course there’s a BUT) she’s texting my husband, calling etc way too damn much for my taste about random stuff. I’m just not ok with it. It feels like it is crossing a line. I keep having that internal debate about, well but what’s the harm and they’ve been friends since way before I met him even and they talk about benign boring things it seems but then the other side of me wonders why the hell she is asking my husband this stuff and not finding someone else to ask. I fear I may just one day lose it and get pissed. Any one have wise thoughts?

[Anonymous]

Talk to him about it.

Do not talk to her about it.

Write a list going forward of 4-ish things you feel you have a right to in a partner. It could be “doesn’t make fun of me” if that’s important to you.

It could be “knows when to blow off sexually interested people.” lol.

Write out what’s important. After you’ve given those items a lot of thought. Like 3-10 days. .. feel free to share with him.

You have to stand up for yourself in any friendship or partnership. If those lines are crossed, well you can forgive, but you also have to respect your needs.

[Anonymous]

At some point in a calm conversation, ask him how he’d like to be treated in your shoes. (Situation reversed).

Make him write it out. (I mean, don’t make him, but don’t have it verbal right there).

Writing it will make him think harder, and not verbally lash out. It will be hard for him to write on paper “I would be totally cool with a guy calling you during dinner, or whatever, repeatedly and you picking up the phone repeatedly. And then texting about random stuff.” He would not write it down.

And if he dared to write it.. you have some petty license to start flirting. Ha ha terrible bu lt could be true.

[Anonymous]

Who is the initiates most of the communication? Does this happen everyday? Is her DH aware of how much they talk?

[Anonymous]

How often is this happening? Once a day? Once an hour?

[Anonymous]

You’ve already lost it and got pissed. You are jealous of this woman so you need to talk to your husband and not the internet.

I would say expect that your jealousy will cause hurt but that your feelings of course trump any one else’s in this situation.

[Anonymous]

Are you recently married? Has this person suddenly escalated the amount of communication? Does this woman interact with you?

My husband is good friends for more than 30 years with a woman who has never married or has children. I’m totally comfortable with their level of fairly sporadic contact. I’m often included in the text chain and the three of us do things together once or twice a year.

If she suddenly was texting him or calling hom lot more, I would just talk to him about it. It would be hard for him to totally ignore her. But he would also take me seriously and try to strike some balance.

[Anonymous]

I don’t even talk/text my own female friends as much as this woman is contacting your husband. You have every right to be suspicious and should always trust your gut. She’s likely bored with her own husband and likes the validation she’s getting from yours.

[Anonymous]

Low-key tell him it seems she's paying a little too much attention to him. If he's a good guy he'll put a damper on it.

[Anonymous]

He should make it a group chat. You're there, so they should be aware of it and tempered by it.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Ok, so I am 99% sure he’s not attracted to her or anything like that, it’s a truly platonic friendship going back many years, she’s married too etc, but (of course there’s a BUT) she’s texting my husband, calling etc way too damn much for my taste about random stuff. I’m just not ok with it. It feels like it is crossing a line. I keep having that internal debate about, well but what’s the harm and they’ve been friends since way before I met him even and they talk about benign boring things it seems but then the other side of me wonders why the hell she is asking my husband this stuff and not finding someone else to ask. I fear I may just one day lose it and get pissed. Any one have wise thoughts?

Is she attractive?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Ok, so I am 99% sure he’s not attracted to her or anything like that, it’s a truly platonic friendship going back many years, she’s married too etc, but (of course there’s a BUT) she’s texting my husband, calling etc way too damn much for my taste about random stuff. I’m just not ok with it. It feels like it is crossing a line. I keep having that internal debate about, well but what’s the harm and they’ve been friends since way before I met him even and they talk about benign boring things it seems but then the other side of me wonders why the hell she is asking my husband this stuff and not finding someone else to ask. I fear I may just one day lose it and get pissed. Any one have wise thoughts?

My wise thought is if it was gonna happen, it would have happened already. It might be a level of emotional intimacy that threatens you a little or makes you a little jealous, but I don't think there's a real risk of betrayal or an affair or anything like that.

Frankly, I think it's healthy for people in relationships to have other outlets, especially for members of the opposite sex.

It's also possible she's experiencing tough times in her own marriage. That doesn't mean she wants your man or anything. It just may mean she's desperate for connection/to be heard.

That's my take. I mean, I could be wrong, but I'd be really surprised based on what you describe.

[Anonymous]

Ask yourself: "Would I be this mad if the friend was male?"

If the answer is yes, talk to your husband about your concerns.

If the answer is no, then shut up.

[Anonymous]

Sounds to me like she is sniffing around for Plan B in her lonely life, OP.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Ok, so I am 99% sure he’s not attracted to her or anything like that, it’s a truly platonic friendship going back many years, she’s married too etc, but (of course there’s a BUT) she’s texting my husband, calling etc way too damn much for my taste about random stuff. I’m just not ok with it. It feels like it is crossing a line. I keep having that internal debate about, well but what’s the harm and they’ve been friends since way before I met him even and they talk about benign boring things it seems but then the other side of me wonders why the hell she is asking my husband this stuff and not finding someone else to ask. I fear I may just one day lose it and get pissed. Any one have wise thoughts?

Is she attractive?

Doesn’t matter to many men if a women is lavishing attention on them.