Husband’s female friend encroaching

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:There is no such thing as a platonic friendship between a heterosexual man and woman, at least anything more than a very superficial one. When it's these very involved years long things there is always a strong sexual or emotional undercurrent on one or both sides and frequently both sides. The guy is only wasting his time with it because it feeds his fantasy of having sex with the woman. The woman feeds the fantasy for the attention she gets. It's only a matter of chance when it crosses over to something physical. The woman always says "I never knew it would happen, we were just good friends. It just happened." A game as old as time. People claiming otherwise are gaslighting b.s. artists who are looking to cheat or active cheaters themselves.

What's wrong with emotional? Don't you care for your female friends, too? That's emotional.

[Anonymous]

It’s okay to have friends of the opposite sex if you’re married, but there are nuances.

Generally those friendships should have preceded the marriage. Ideally they were always platonic and never crossed a romantic line when both parties were single. And they maintain appropriate boundaries when both parties are married.

Some of my best friends were men when I was in my twenties. I had one friend in particular who was very much a best friend to me. When we both got into serious relationships and the. Marriages, we started including our significant others when we hung out, and also didn’t hang out alone as much. Our significant others have little in common so hanging out together felt kind of awkward. Dh would be okay if my friend and I hung out alone within reason, but out of respect for him, I mostly stopped. So now we text- not every day or even every week, sometimes it’ll be a month or more, but we still have a close friendship and when we do talk, it’s not superficial.

If op thinks her husbands friend may be crossing a line, she should tell him. These situations aren’t black and white and unless op is super uncomfortable with her dh having any non male friends at any level, he should take her feelings into account.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My husband has had a female friend since he was about ten years old and they are very close. Initially it bothered me but over time I realized that they are and will always be great buddies. At one point she was divorced and that got my attention but my husband has never given me a reason to not believe they are just friends. At one point early on I asked if he had ever slept with her and that was stupid on my part given I’ve had guy friends who I didn’t sleep with.

Totally missing the point. They would have slept with you if you let them. Also you were feeding emotionally on their sexual attraction to you.

Same with your husband and his "friend." Just because you didn't have sex with your male orbiters doesn't mean they didn't.

You people are seriously crazy. I'm a man. I've got female friends who I've been friends with for decades to whom I'm not remotely attracted. I've got a woman I've been friends with since high school. I'm in her will to take care of her kids if something happens. I've been the one to drive her home from surgeries. It's one of my closest friendships. I don't want to sleep with her. I didn't want to sleep with her when we were both single. If she asked, I'd assume she had a tumor.

That's interesting. Why did she pick you to be the guardian of her children? Sounds like a pretty close emotional relationship. Is her husband dead or something? What does your wife think about it?

When you say you have female friends for decades you mean you are in constant close contact with them texting and so forth like the OP describes?

Yeah we're really close. Friends since we were teenagers and supported each other through lots of rough times. The baby's father is alive but she doesn't trust him. I've never pushed to find out why, because I figure if she wanted to tell me she would. I also recognize that I'm unlikely to get custody over him, because that's up to a court, but I'd try.

My wife is fine with that, she was there when she asked. Obviously neither of us want my friend to die or to suddenly be raising two kids whose mom just died, but she'd do it if needed.

Yes, I have female friends I text constantly. Texting with long-term friends will come and go, but if someone is going through a hard time it'll be really often. Some of those women are attractive to me, some are not, but I'm not going to sleep with any of them because I'm married.

So you’re close enough to be given legal guardianship of her children if she dies but she isn’t close or comfortable enough with you to tell you why she doesn’t trust the baby’s father? Sounds backwards to me. Don’t super close friends confide in each other?

Your concern about the friendship of 25 years between two people you've never met is noted and I'll give it all the consideration that it's due.

Excellent response to a pathetic attempt at concern trolling.

It was a great answer!

[Anonymous]

OP don't let this resentment built. That's not healthy and is going to make it harder to have a rational conversation about it. Assume the best on his part and ask him to pull back as a favor or a sign of loyalty to you. And forget the comments about how this is some irrational you thing. Maybe some would be okay with it I would not. My husband has female friends too (and I have gotten lots of comments from DCUMers saying he is sleeping with them, to give you an idea of how "lienient" I am).

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I guess if it was my marriage I would question what he isn’t getting emotionally out of our marriage from me that he is resorting to texting some other woman constantly? I’m saying that in a I know I’m providing what my husband needs type of way so marriage counseling it would be to figure out the root cause of this.

I can’t imagine my husband would be ok with me dedicating a lot of mental head space to another man either.

A lot of men don’t like to chat on the phone unless there is a specific purpose so the fact that he is dedicating a lot of time to yucking it up with some other woman I would need an explanation.

So you don't have friends at all, then. Because your husband provides every bit of emotional support that you need.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:It’s okay to have friends of the opposite sex if you’re married, but there are nuances.

Generally those friendships should have preceded the marriage. Ideally they were always platonic and never crossed a romantic line when both parties were single. And they maintain appropriate boundaries when both parties are married.

Some of my best friends were men when I was in my twenties. I had one friend in particular who was very much a best friend to me. When we both got into serious relationships and the. Marriages, we started including our significant others when we hung out, and also didn’t hang out alone as much. Our significant others have little in common so hanging out together felt kind of awkward. Dh would be okay if my friend and I hung out alone within reason, but out of respect for him, I mostly stopped. So now we text- not every day or even every week, sometimes it’ll be a month or more, but we still have a close friendship and when we do talk, it’s not superficial.

If op thinks her husbands friend may be crossing a line, she should tell him. These situations aren’t black and white and unless op is super uncomfortable with her dh having any non male friends at any level, he should take her feelings into account.

So youre saying OPs DH friendship is totally fine, because thats exactly what happened. They were friends long before OP came into the picture and she's seen the texts and there is nothing bad about them. The bolded is clearly true though, OP doesnt think any opposite sex friendships are appropriate.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:There is no such thing as a platonic friendship between a heterosexual man and woman, at least anything more than a very superficial one. When it's these very involved years long things there is always a strong sexual or emotional undercurrent on one or both sides and frequently both sides. The guy is only wasting his time with it because it feeds his fantasy of having sex with the woman. The woman feeds the fantasy for the attention she gets. It's only a matter of chance when it crosses over to something physical. The woman always says "I never knew it would happen, we were just good friends. It just happened." A game as old as time. People claiming otherwise are gaslighting b.s. artists who are looking to cheat or active cheaters themselves.

You sound deranged

It’s not deranged at all, it’s very accurate and well said. Classy married people don’t have deep 1 x 1 emotional friendships with the opposite sex. Your silly response that the pp “sounds deranged” is exactly the gaslighting bs that he/she was describing.

"Classy" married people can absolutely hold friendships regardless of gender. Saying that there is no such thing as platonic friendships between people with different genitals IS deranged. Trying to say that anyone who disagrees is automatically a gaslighter is definitely "b.s." though.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:There is no such thing as a platonic friendship between a heterosexual man and woman, at least anything more than a very superficial one. When it's these very involved years long things there is always a strong sexual or emotional undercurrent on one or both sides and frequently both sides. The guy is only wasting his time with it because it feeds his fantasy of having sex with the woman. The woman feeds the fantasy for the attention she gets. It's only a matter of chance when it crosses over to something physical. The woman always says "I never knew it would happen, we were just good friends. It just happened." A game as old as time. People claiming otherwise are gaslighting b.s. artists who are looking to cheat or active cheaters themselves.

You sound deranged

It’s not deranged at all, it’s very accurate and well said. Classy married people don’t have deep 1 x 1 emotional friendships with the opposite sex. Your silly response that the pp “sounds deranged” is exactly the gaslighting bs that he/she was describing.

"Classy" married people can absolutely hold friendships regardless of gender. Saying that there is no such thing as platonic friendships between people with different genitals IS deranged. Trying to say that anyone who disagrees is automatically a gaslighter is definitely "b.s." though.

You sound like a beautiful person on both the inside and the outside. Have a great day!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I would not be ok with it but my husband has never really had friends that are females.

The preferred term is "women".

[Anonymous]

I know two people who later in life married a friend of 25 years from before their first marriage.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My husband has had a female friend since he was about ten years old and they are very close. Initially it bothered me but over time I realized that they are and will always be great buddies. At one point she was divorced and that got my attention but my husband has never given me a reason to not believe they are just friends. At one point early on I asked if he had ever slept with her and that was stupid on my part given I’ve had guy friends who I didn’t sleep with.

Totally missing the point. They would have slept with you if you let them. Also you were feeding emotionally on their sexual attraction to you.

Same with your husband and his "friend." Just because you didn't have sex with your male orbiters doesn't mean they didn't.

You people are seriously crazy. I'm a man. I've got female friends who I've been friends with for decades to whom I'm not remotely attracted. I've got a woman I've been friends with since high school. I'm in her will to take care of her kids if something happens. I've been the one to drive her home from surgeries. It's one of my closest friendships. I don't want to sleep with her. I didn't want to sleep with her when we were both single. If she asked, I'd assume she had a tumor.

That's interesting. Why did she pick you to be the guardian of her children? Sounds like a pretty close emotional relationship. Is her husband dead or something? What does your wife think about it?

When you say you have female friends for decades you mean you are in constant close contact with them texting and so forth like the OP describes?

Yeah we're really close. Friends since we were teenagers and supported each other through lots of rough times. The baby's father is alive but she doesn't trust him. I've never pushed to find out why, because I figure if she wanted to tell me she would. I also recognize that I'm unlikely to get custody over him, because that's up to a court, but I'd try.

My wife is fine with that, she was there when she asked. Obviously neither of us want my friend to die or to suddenly be raising two kids whose mom just died, but she'd do it if needed.

Yes, I have female friends I text constantly. Texting with long-term friends will come and go, but if someone is going through a hard time it'll be really often. Some of those women are attractive to me, some are not, but I'm not going to sleep with any of them because I'm married.

In other words it's not that you do not desire to sleep with your women friends; it's because you fear consequences because you're married. They aren't platonic friends if you would sleep with them if unmarried or if you thought there would be no consequences.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I would not be ok with it but my husband has never really had friends that are females.

The preferred term is "women".

Women is a synonym for "adult female homo sapiens" if you weren't aware that. One is not preferred ove another.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My husband has had a female friend since he was about ten years old and they are very close. Initially it bothered me but over time I realized that they are and will always be great buddies. At one point she was divorced and that got my attention but my husband has never given me a reason to not believe they are just friends. At one point early on I asked if he had ever slept with her and that was stupid on my part given I’ve had guy friends who I didn’t sleep with.

Totally missing the point. They would have slept with you if you let them. Also you were feeding emotionally on their sexual attraction to you.

Same with your husband and his "friend." Just because you didn't have sex with your male orbiters doesn't mean they didn't.

You people are seriously crazy. I'm a man. I've got female friends who I've been friends with for decades to whom I'm not remotely attracted. I've got a woman I've been friends with since high school. I'm in her will to take care of her kids if something happens. I've been the one to drive her home from surgeries. It's one of my closest friendships. I don't want to sleep with her. I didn't want to sleep with her when we were both single. If she asked, I'd assume she had a tumor.

That's interesting. Why did she pick you to be the guardian of her children? Sounds like a pretty close emotional relationship. Is her husband dead or something? What does your wife think about it?

When you say you have female friends for decades you mean you are in constant close contact with them texting and so forth like the OP describes?

Yeah we're really close. Friends since we were teenagers and supported each other through lots of rough times. The baby's father is alive but she doesn't trust him. I've never pushed to find out why, because I figure if she wanted to tell me she would. I also recognize that I'm unlikely to get custody over him, because that's up to a court, but I'd try.

My wife is fine with that, she was there when she asked. Obviously neither of us want my friend to die or to suddenly be raising two kids whose mom just died, but she'd do it if needed.

Yes, I have female friends I text constantly. Texting with long-term friends will come and go, but if someone is going through a hard time it'll be really often. Some of those women are attractive to me, some are not, but I'm not going to sleep with any of them because I'm married.

So you’re close enough to be given legal guardianship of her children if she dies but she isn’t close or comfortable enough with you to tell you why she doesn’t trust the baby’s father? Sounds backwards to me. Don’t super close friends confide in each other?

Your concern about the friendship of 25 years between two people you've never met is noted and I'll give it all the consideration that it's due.

.

Lol you're just playing the long game PP the very long game. Maybe you are the quintessential beta orbiter.

I mean you seem to define the term. You pretend you have no sexual romantic or emotional interest in any of these friends but quite clearly you are heavily invested in these women. All that energy you are putting into multiple other women is detracting from your relationship with your spouse, but you already know that.

I am quite sure you don't share the full extent of your feelings towards these women with your spouse.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I would not be ok with it but my husband has never really had friends that are females.

The preferred term is "women".

what is your reasoning why one of those terms (female or woman) is preferred. Neither seems condescending or perjorative to me.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My husband has had a female friend since he was about ten years old and they are very close. Initially it bothered me but over time I realized that they are and will always be great buddies. At one point she was divorced and that got my attention but my husband has never given me a reason to not believe they are just friends. At one point early on I asked if he had ever slept with her and that was stupid on my part given I’ve had guy friends who I didn’t sleep with.

Totally missing the point. They would have slept with you if you let them. Also you were feeding emotionally on their sexual attraction to you.

Same with your husband and his "friend." Just because you didn't have sex with your male orbiters doesn't mean they didn't.

You people are seriously crazy. I'm a man. I've got female friends who I've been friends with for decades to whom I'm not remotely attracted. I've got a woman I've been friends with since high school. I'm in her will to take care of her kids if something happens. I've been the one to drive her home from surgeries. It's one of my closest friendships. I don't want to sleep with her. I didn't want to sleep with her when we were both single. If she asked, I'd assume she had a tumor.

That's interesting. Why did she pick you to be the guardian of her children? Sounds like a pretty close emotional relationship. Is her husband dead or something? What does your wife think about it?

When you say you have female friends for decades you mean you are in constant close contact with them texting and so forth like the OP describes?

Yeah we're really close. Friends since we were teenagers and supported each other through lots of rough times. The baby's father is alive but she doesn't trust him. I've never pushed to find out why, because I figure if she wanted to tell me she would. I also recognize that I'm unlikely to get custody over him, because that's up to a court, but I'd try.

My wife is fine with that, she was there when she asked. Obviously neither of us want my friend to die or to suddenly be raising two kids whose mom just died, but she'd do it if needed.

Yes, I have female friends I text constantly. Texting with long-term friends will come and go, but if someone is going through a hard time it'll be really often. Some of those women are attractive to me, some are not, but I'm not going to sleep with any of them because I'm married.

So you’re close enough to be given legal guardianship of her children if she dies but she isn’t close or comfortable enough with you to tell you why she doesn’t trust the baby’s father? Sounds backwards to me. Don’t super close friends confide in each other?

It's pretty obvious that the PP guy who is guardian of his married female friends child may be the father of it.