"Perfect on paper husband," just not in love with him

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I just read my own post. You know what the problem is? I don't feel chemistry with him. I never have. We don't click in that way. People need that in their lives, don't they? It's not a minor issue?

Honestly, I'm not someone who is anti-divorce, who believes in saving the marriage at any cost, but I think that kids need financial and emotional stability far more than adults need chemistry. Especially adults who chose this situation. I think that choosing divorce in this situation would be cruel and selfish.

I'll also say that if you divorce in this situation, you'd be lucky to get 50% custody. I can't imagine giving up 50% of my time with my kids in home that I'd have a successful dating life.

I do not know ONE SINGLE divorced woman who does NOT have more than 50% custody. Furthermore, I know a woman who left her DH for the same reasons OP states. Poor guy got thrown out of his house and is now an every other weekend and Wednesday night dad. He fought hard for 50%, but didn't get it because of historically the mom (though she worked) was the primary parent.

you are SO WRONG on so many levels. one example does not make for a rule across the board. and jurisdictions matter you twit.

- divorced dad with 75% of primary custody

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Wwyd?

First his good points. My husband is kind, intelligent, thoughtful, caring, good looking, and a great father. He's a physician who works long hours and is passionate about his patients and practice area but still helps out 50/50 when he is home. I wouldn't say he's funny exactly but he has a sense of humor and can laugh at other people's jokes and life's little absurdities, which I appreciate. He's a runner who keeps himself fit. I notice other women checking him out occasionally. I LOVE his family, especially his mother and sister. They were a big part of his appeal when we were dating.

But. I'm not in love with him. I never was. I knew this at the time that we got engaged but I let my mom and closest friend talk me into marrying him with the idea that I was just nervous and scared of the commitment and that love could eventually grow. I was 33 at the time. I do care about him a great deal. But my heart doesn't jump when he walks into a room. I don't want him to throw me down on the bed and screw my brains out (or maybe that is the problem: I do want him to do that, or someone anyway, but the thought horrifies him). I don't get butterflies with him and never have. It's getting to the point where I physically recoil from him. My skin actually flinches on the inside. I think he suspects something is up because he's acting like kicked puppy and I feel bad but that just makes it worse. I want him to scream at me and curse me not just take my abuse. I tried to explain that but he didn't get it. We have two children and I'm 39. I've talked to my mom and BFF about this and they both think divorcing him would be a huge mistake. I work and make significantly less which is one thing but they also feel that the dating pool is shallow for 40 something women with children. Do you think that is just a sexist stereotype?

The thing is, the thing that I keep coming back to, is: shouldn't I be head over heels for my husband? I have felt that way before in the past so I know what it feels like. I know people say the crazy burning love feeling eventually passes. But shouldn't it have been there at one point? Then at least I would have my memories. I am too young to feel this resigned and dead inside.

The thought of what? Of screwing your brains out? Or of someone else screwing your brain out? Sorry, I honestly don't understand this part.

If it's the former, you need a sex therapist.

When push comes to shove, tho, you should have listened to your guts and the people who talked you into not doing so were wrong, wrong, wrong.

oh please. are you really buying this? OP married this guy because she was 33, she wanted to be married and have kids and figured out she was not going to find anyone better. the whole "they made me do it" shtick is nonsense.

if she didn't want to do it she wouldn't care one bit about what her mother thought - just like she doesn't care about what her kids or husband and posters here think.

[Anonymous]

O.p here again. I've been thinking about this more and my feeling of disconnection from him is not simply related to the sex, though that is the most glaringly obvious. The other thing about him is that he is not introspective. He's very much a "doer." If I want to vent to him about work or family or friends, he doesn't seem to get that I just want to pour my feelings out without him trying to "fix" it. He doesn't like to discuss his emotions or his opinions on social issues. He thinks it's boring navel gazing. He hates web sites like slate or salon or opinion pieces. He doesn't like to gossip (which, I know people usually don't admit to enjoying that but I do, especially after a party). He doesn't like to "speculate" which is what he calls my attempts to discuss what might happen to people we know, etc. He doesn't drink. He's not very complicated. He does his job, comes home and wants to eat dinner/futz about in the garden/play with the kids. And this is what makes him completely happy! I guarantee you if you asked him to rate our marriage 1-10 he'd say 8 +.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:O.p here again. I've been thinking about this more and my feeling of disconnection from him is not simply related to the sex, though that is the most glaringly obvious. The other thing about him is that he is not introspective. He's very much a "doer." If I want to vent to him about work or family or friends, he doesn't seem to get that I just want to pour my feelings out without him trying to "fix" it. He doesn't like to discuss his emotions or his opinions on social issues. He thinks it's boring navel gazing. He hates web sites like slate or salon or opinion pieces. He doesn't like to gossip (which, I know people usually don't admit to enjoying that but I do, especially after a party). He doesn't like to "speculate" which is what he calls my attempts to discuss what might happen to people we know, etc. He doesn't drink. He's not very complicated. He does his job, comes home and wants to eat dinner/futz about in the garden/play with the kids. And this is what makes him completely happy! I guarantee you if you asked him to rate our marriage 1-10 he'd say 8 +.

Sorry, not buying your martyr act. He's supremely happy yet you're miserable? I doubt it. He deserves better than you.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:O.p here again. I've been thinking about this more and my feeling of disconnection from him is not simply related to the sex, though that is the most glaringly obvious. The other thing about him is that he is not introspective. He's very much a "doer." If I want to vent to him about work or family or friends, he doesn't seem to get that I just want to pour my feelings out without him trying to "fix" it. He doesn't like to discuss his emotions or his opinions on social issues. He thinks it's boring navel gazing. He hates web sites like slate or salon or opinion pieces. He doesn't like to gossip (which, I know people usually don't admit to enjoying that but I do, especially after a party). He doesn't like to "speculate" which is what he calls my attempts to discuss what might happen to people we know, etc. He doesn't drink. He's not very complicated. He does his job, comes home and wants to eat dinner/futz about in the garden/play with the kids. And this is what makes him completely happy! I guarantee you if you asked him to rate our marriage 1-10 he'd say 8 +.

Oh, OP. WTF. You want a woman-man. Yes, a lot of men are not introspective. Those books on men/women differences will tell you this exact thing - when men hear problems, they want to fix it. It's hard for them to just listen. My DH, who is not really a man's man, is still like this.

So, let me get this right - you want a man's man but only in bed, but a woman/man when it comes to discussing feelings and gossiping. WTF OP. You make no sense to me at all.

It sounds like you want some drama in your life, some excitement. You are a like "Desperate Housewife". I know someone who likes drama and excitement in her life. The ones I know are alone, no kids, no DH or long term BF.

Please think about your kids' lives, too.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:O.p here again. I've been thinking about this more and my feeling of disconnection from him is not simply related to the sex, though that is the most glaringly obvious. The other thing about him is that he is not introspective. He's very much a "doer." If I want to vent to him about work or family or friends, he doesn't seem to get that I just want to pour my feelings out without him trying to "fix" it. He doesn't like to discuss his emotions or his opinions on social issues. He thinks it's boring navel gazing. He hates web sites like slate or salon or opinion pieces. He doesn't like to gossip (which, I know people usually don't admit to enjoying that but I do, especially after a party). He doesn't like to "speculate" which is what he calls my attempts to discuss what might happen to people we know, etc. He doesn't drink. He's not very complicated. He does his job, comes home and wants to eat dinner/futz about in the garden/play with the kids. And this is what makes him completely happy! I guarantee you if you asked him to rate our marriage 1-10 he'd say 8 +.

i am sure your dream rough sex guy will be doing these with gusto...

OP you sound like you have WAY to much time on your hands. i am your age, with career, kids and DCUM i barely have any time to reflect on my DH.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:O.p here again. I've been thinking about this more and my feeling of disconnection from him is not simply related to the sex, though that is the most glaringly obvious. The other thing about him is that he is not introspective. He's very much a "doer." If I want to vent to him about work or family or friends, he doesn't seem to get that I just want to pour my feelings out without him trying to "fix" it. He doesn't like to discuss his emotions or his opinions on social issues. He thinks it's boring navel gazing. He hates web sites like slate or salon or opinion pieces. He doesn't like to gossip (which, I know people usually don't admit to enjoying that but I do, especially after a party). He doesn't like to "speculate" which is what he calls my attempts to discuss what might happen to people we know, etc. He doesn't drink. He's not very complicated. He does his job, comes home and wants to eat dinner/futz about in the garden/play with the kids. And this is what makes him completely happy! I guarantee you if you asked him to rate our marriage 1-10 he'd say 8 +.

It really sounds like you are just making excuses, OP. In my relationship, I'm the kind of person who wants to fix something and doesn't like whining/venting which sometimes my husband just needs to do. My husband and I both recognize it and we work with it. When my husband wants to vent about something he'll preempt the conversation and say he just wants me to listen and sympathize. I bite my tongue and curb my first instinct (to problem solve/fix). If I can't handle it or if he's not getting the validation that he needs, we both know that it's okay to suggest that he talk to his sister or someone else about this. What I'm trying to say is that we work with what we've got and we figure out how to still communicate and get what we need in a way that both of us can deal with.

You've gotten some good advice here and I don't hear you acknowledging it. Instead you find something else to complain about. You need a major attitude shift.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:O.p here again. I've been thinking about this more and my feeling of disconnection from him is not simply related to the sex, though that is the most glaringly obvious. The other thing about him is that he is not introspective. He's very much a "doer." If I want to vent to him about work or family or friends, he doesn't seem to get that I just want to pour my feelings out without him trying to "fix" it. He doesn't like to discuss his emotions or his opinions on social issues. He thinks it's boring navel gazing. He hates web sites like slate or salon or opinion pieces. He doesn't like to gossip (which, I know people usually don't admit to enjoying that but I do, especially after a party). He doesn't like to "speculate" which is what he calls my attempts to discuss what might happen to people we know, etc. He doesn't drink. He's not very complicated. He does his job, comes home and wants to eat dinner/futz about in the garden/play with the kids. And this is what makes him completely happy! I guarantee you if you asked him to rate our marriage 1-10 he'd say 8 +.

i am sure your dream rough sex guy will be doing these with gusto...

OP you sound like you have WAY to much time on your hands. i am your age, with career, kids and DCUM i barely have any time to reflect on my DH.

I have the perfect solution for you OP - get together with a butchy lesbian or gay man, although no offense to such people.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:O.p here again. I've been thinking about this more and my feeling of disconnection from him is not simply related to the sex, though that is the most glaringly obvious. The other thing about him is that he is not introspective. He's very much a "doer."

This isn't a bad balance to have in a relationship. One person is the thinker/dreamer and the other is the do-er. I think my DH and I are like this.

If I want to vent to him about work or family or friends, he doesn't seem to get that I just want to pour my feelings out without him trying to "fix" it.

Tell him. Every time you vent and he tries to "fix it," explain that you just need someone to vent at, and that he is helping you "fix it" by just listening. MANY people will want to "fix it" when the person they love is unhappy. It's not just your DH.

He doesn't like to discuss his emotions or his opinions on social issues. He thinks it's boring navel gazing.

You've said he's a committed family man. Does he like to discuss how you'll approach social issues with your kids? Instead of saying, "OMG, can you believe that Vanity Fair photo shoot of Caitlyn Jenner?" you could say, "How do you think we should discuss transgender issues with the kids as they get older?" Frame it in a way that it'll be interesting to BOTH of you and I bet you'll make more progress with him.

He hates web sites like slate or salon or opinion pieces.

Oh, c'mon, OP. Just c'mon. I'm pretty liberal and I have to be honest, *I* hate a lot of the stuff that Slate and Salon publish. It's clickbait.

He doesn't like to gossip (which, I know people usually don't admit to enjoying that but I do, especially after a party). He doesn't like to "speculate" which is what he calls my attempts to discuss what might happen to people we know, etc.

Find a girlfriend to "speculate" with.

He doesn't drink.

Many partners of alcoholics will tell you what a good thing this is. You said yourself in your original post that he has a good sense of humor, so clearly he doesn't need alcohol to have a good time. I honestly cannot think of any other objection you'd have to someone who doesn't drink.

He's not very complicated. He does his job, comes home and wants to eat dinner/futz about in the garden/play with the kids. And this is what makes him completely happy! I guarantee you if you asked him to rate our marriage 1-10 he'd say 8 +.

In other words, the things that make him happy are work, family, and home.

The things that make YOU happy are drama, being tossed around in bed, not being secure in a relationship.

Your DH sounds like a good person who wants a happy life. I honestly hope that you get yourself into individual therapy. I truly think you would benefit from talking with someone.

[Anonymous]

This thread just makes me go "WOW". speechless

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:This thread just makes me go "WOW". speechless

+1 And appreciate my life with my DH who also likes to chill at home with us, and work in the garden.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP, are you a SAHM or do you work? Whats the division of assets/money?

OP. He makes 80% of our HHI. I said initially that I realize this is a problem. I could support myself but I would need child support for the kids in this area, especially since we want them to go to private school. As for dividing assets, I don't know how that would work. Neither of us came into the marriage with much in savings so I guess we would just split what we do have now 50/50?

OP, i am glad that you are still checking in after a lot of nonsense that went on in this thread.

i spoke earlier about having a DH like yours, and that our chemistry is gone after 14 years and two young kids. i had a thought about why you and DH may not have chemistry (understanding that you never did, but this still applies), and it is something to seriously explore with him before walking out. it is possible that your DH (like mine) does not give readily of himself - his thoughts, feelings, dreams about you, your family, and life in general. it is lovely to have a dependable, honest, trustworthy and hardworking spouse...but it is HARD to feel passion about somebody who doesn't share with you the things that get him going in life. or worse, if he doesn't really have anything that gets him going outside of his job.

my DH became like this after a few years together, then i in turn became like this because he would not respond to my trying to initiate these conversations, and i had to deaden my emotions to get through our every day. and CLEARLY, there went any chemistry that we had. after a number of years in this mode, i hit a wall, told him i was deeply unhappy and alone, and i was going to therapy to figure things out. he said he would go with me.

we have spent many, many months in therapy. there have been moments when DH has opened up and i felt a spark. the process is horrifying slow, but it is moving forward and i no longer felt like i was dying inside.

i HIGHLY encourage you to do couples therapy before deciding ANYTHING. and i will tell you that once you start therapy, it gets worse before it gets better. but you need to have zero regrets if you decide to leave your DH, and the only way to do that is to really do the work and try everything.

i wish you the best of luck.

+1000, this was the EXACT same thing with my DH and we are still working on it....

[Anonymous]

Men in general try to "fix" things, it is in their nature.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Men in general try to "fix" things, it is in their nature.

true, women want to talk about feelings that change depending on time of the month

[Anonymous]

Oh my goodness -- totally FELT exactly the way you did when I was married for 6 years -- it's the young kids thing -- they wear & tear on you as a human being, but you don't blame them -- you blame the person you married. THAT is why there is a "thing" called the 7-year itch (6-year itch is the same thing). Now, having been married for 10 years and kind-of stuck thru the slump in the marriage (NOT by choice, but by default since I was too tired, too busy, and too hesitant to get out), I'm in love with my husband.

I remember walking down the aisle and actively thinking, "I can get a divorce" -- it was the only thing that got me through the ceremony, but now, in retrospect, it's because I am a COMMITMENT phobe and would have felt like that with anyone. The real reason I had kids with this person (marriage is overrated, but KIDS is the real committment) is because I knew he would be the greatest dad in the universe for our future children, and he is.

Here is the solution (or at least what worked for me). GET OUT OF THE HOUSE. Get a babysitter and go see your friends, take tango lessons, take Spanish lessons, and do it GUILT free (after all you got a sitter for $10/hour from urbansitters.com) so he can go out too. Do NOT go out with him. This is about finding yourself.

For a while, I went out every single night -- literally 7 nights a week. Here's how I justified it (we had no money). I paid $30/night for a sitter (I had the sitter work from 7-10 to put the kids to bed and then he could be home or I'd be home). That saved $300/visit in therapy or $3000/visit in divorce lawyer. I slept on the sofa sometimes. I needed space.

Then, guess what? I realized that I missed the kids, so I started coming home more often. And, then, I realized that my husband was a kick-butt dad for taking care of the kids and me when I went totally mid-life crises craziness.

And, then I realized that I'm a damn lucky woman. And, now years later, I guess I am in love with him (whatever that means). I'm not sure that love is all that it's cracked up to be but stable house for my kids really is. Kids are kicking butt in school, and I know having mom and dad at home (such a conservative stereotype, but true) is the reason.

Chemistry is overrated. I also used to have love, but I didn't marry those men because I knew they'd be deadbeat dads, and the back of my head, I knew the difference (and my mom and my sister knew, too). Great dad -- dad to your kids -- is what it is about.