"Perfect on paper husband," just not in love with him

[Anonymous]

OP got a look at divorced life and came to her senses.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I know the post is old, but I have a friend who married somebody she didn’t have physical chemistry with. He was basically the perfect guy and she figured it would come or at least they could maintain their good relationship without it. But it was such a struggle for her their entire marriage on a daily basis. She tried so hard to want to be with him but sex was never a good experience. She said she wished she hadn’t had chemistry with somebody before because she knew what she was missing out on.

After I think 5 years of marriage her ex asked for a divorce. He knew she struggled with the chemistry issue and she says that he probably just didn’t want to deal with the blow to his ego that really digging into the issue would cause. She was devastated because she really wanted things to work out and they had two kids, but her ex wouldn’t budge.

About two years later she met a guy with whom she had major chemistry. They got married and she is so much happier now. Says the divorce is the best thing that ever happened to her. They have only been married for ten years but from little comments here and there i gather their sex life is fantastic. And I know that their relationship is really good and they just have this emotionally healthy dynamic. And she and her ex get along great now and co parent really well.

It’s hard for me to relate because I have only been with people i am super attracted to (even if the attraction wasn’t there at first, it had grown a lot by the time we started dating) and it seems wild to divorce when you have kids just because you lack chemistry. But it does seem like marriage is just so hard when there is no chemistry and it divorce might be better for everybody involved.

Do you really think she'd tell you if the sex and marriage sucked?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I know the post is old, but I have a friend who married somebody she didn’t have physical chemistry with. He was basically the perfect guy and she figured it would come or at least they could maintain their good relationship without it. But it was such a struggle for her their entire marriage on a daily basis. She tried so hard to want to be with him but sex was never a good experience. She said she wished she hadn’t had chemistry with somebody before because she knew what she was missing out on.

After I think 5 years of marriage her ex asked for a divorce. He knew she struggled with the chemistry issue and she says that he probably just didn’t want to deal with the blow to his ego that really digging into the issue would cause. She was devastated because she really wanted things to work out and they had two kids, but her ex wouldn’t budge.

About two years later she met a guy with whom she had major chemistry. They got married and she is so much happier now. Says the divorce is the best thing that ever happened to her. They have only been married for ten years but from little comments here and there i gather their sex life is fantastic. And I know that their relationship is really good and they just have this emotionally healthy dynamic. And she and her ex get along great now and co parent really well.

It’s hard for me to relate because I have only been with people i am super attracted to (even if the attraction wasn’t there at first, it had grown a lot by the time we started dating) and it seems wild to divorce when you have kids just because you lack chemistry. But it does seem like marriage is just so hard when there is no chemistry and it divorce might be better for everybody involved.

Do you really think she'd tell you if the sex and marriage sucked?

Over the past fifteen years we have had in-depth heart to hearts about our marriages so yes, basically. I don’t think she would tell me *if* the sex sucked but I don’t think the comments she makes in passing about it being good (like about how her husband is amazing at sending dirty texts even though you would never know it from his sweet, unassuming demeanor) and the way she is so grateful that she has chemistry with her current husband are lies.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I know the post is old, but I have a friend who married somebody she didn’t have physical chemistry with. He was basically the perfect guy and she figured it would come or at least they could maintain their good relationship without it. But it was such a struggle for her their entire marriage on a daily basis. She tried so hard to want to be with him but sex was never a good experience. She said she wished she hadn’t had chemistry with somebody before because she knew what she was missing out on.

After I think 5 years of marriage her ex asked for a divorce. He knew she struggled with the chemistry issue and she says that he probably just didn’t want to deal with the blow to his ego that really digging into the issue would cause. She was devastated because she really wanted things to work out and they had two kids, but her ex wouldn’t budge.

About two years later she met a guy with whom she had major chemistry. They got married and she is so much happier now. Says the divorce is the best thing that ever happened to her. They have only been married for ten years but from little comments here and there i gather their sex life is fantastic. And I know that their relationship is really good and they just have this emotionally healthy dynamic. And she and her ex get along great now and co parent really well.

It’s hard for me to relate because I have only been with people i am super attracted to (even if the attraction wasn’t there at first, it had grown a lot by the time we started dating) and it seems wild to divorce when you have kids just because you lack chemistry. But it does seem like marriage is just so hard when there is no chemistry and it divorce might be better for everybody involved.

It's not for the kids, but I guess as long as your friend best the bio clock had kids and now gets her rocks off it's all good.

I don’t think that staying together is always best for the kids. If you have an amazing marriage except for the sex part, then staying together is probably best for the kids. So if my husbands ex hadn’t resented my friend for wanting to go to couples therapy so that their sex life was better, then maybe it would have been best. And then she resented him for that in return. When parents resent each other, it’s not good for kids. When parents split up and then become friends and great co parents (which is very rare but happens), that’s a better scenario than living with parents who live with lots of resentment toward each other.

[Anonymous]

^ sorry I wrote that really badly. Hopefully somebody can make sense of it.

[Anonymous]

Funny I was recently remembering fella I dated. Good looking, fit, wealthy, hard working. Clincher was I loved his family, and his family loved me. But he had issues, becoming obvious while we were dating. Relationship faded to a friendship. Glad we didn't marry.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I know the post is old, but I have a friend who married somebody she didn’t have physical chemistry with. He was basically the perfect guy and she figured it would come or at least they could maintain their good relationship without it. But it was such a struggle for her their entire marriage on a daily basis. She tried so hard to want to be with him but sex was never a good experience. She said she wished she hadn’t had chemistry with somebody before because she knew what she was missing out on.

After I think 5 years of marriage her ex asked for a divorce. He knew she struggled with the chemistry issue and she says that he probably just didn’t want to deal with the blow to his ego that really digging into the issue would cause. She was devastated because she really wanted things to work out and they had two kids, but her ex wouldn’t budge.

About two years later she met a guy with whom she had major chemistry. They got married and she is so much happier now. Says the divorce is the best thing that ever happened to her. They have only been married for ten years but from little comments here and there i gather their sex life is fantastic. And I know that their relationship is really good and they just have this emotionally healthy dynamic. And she and her ex get along great now and co parent really well.

It’s hard for me to relate because I have only been with people i am super attracted to (even if the attraction wasn’t there at first, it had grown a lot by the time we started dating) and it seems wild to divorce when you have kids just because you lack chemistry. But it does seem like marriage is just so hard when there is no chemistry and it divorce might be better for everybody involved.

Do you really think she'd tell you if the sex and marriage sucked?

Over the past fifteen years we have had in-depth heart to hearts about our marriages so yes, basically. I don’t think she would tell me *if* the sex sucked but I don’t think the comments she makes in passing about it being good (like about how her husband is amazing at sending dirty texts even though you would never know it from his sweet, unassuming demeanor) and the way she is so grateful that she has chemistry with her current husband are lies.

Funny because to me it sounds exactly like lies and attention seeking.

[Anonymous]

You sound super immature and like nothing will ever be enough. Glass half empty kind of person.
You sound depressed and like nothing will fix you unless you want to be better.
Sure, you might be depressed because you are in a marriage you had no business being in. You do need to be honest with yourself before you can improve your life quality. Is it really the loveless marriage that is causing your derpession? Or was it depression that made you marry a guy you don't love?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I know the post is old, but I have a friend who married somebody she didn’t have physical chemistry with. He was basically the perfect guy and she figured it would come or at least they could maintain their good relationship without it. But it was such a struggle for her their entire marriage on a daily basis. She tried so hard to want to be with him but sex was never a good experience. She said she wished she hadn’t had chemistry with somebody before because she knew what she was missing out on.

After I think 5 years of marriage her ex asked for a divorce. He knew she struggled with the chemistry issue and she says that he probably just didn’t want to deal with the blow to his ego that really digging into the issue would cause. She was devastated because she really wanted things to work out and they had two kids, but her ex wouldn’t budge.

About two years later she met a guy with whom she had major chemistry. They got married and she is so much happier now. Says the divorce is the best thing that ever happened to her. They have only been married for ten years but from little comments here and there i gather their sex life is fantastic. And I know that their relationship is really good and they just have this emotionally healthy dynamic. And she and her ex get along great now and co parent really well.

It’s hard for me to relate because I have only been with people i am super attracted to (even if the attraction wasn’t there at first, it had grown a lot by the time we started dating) and it seems wild to divorce when you have kids just because you lack chemistry. But it does seem like marriage is just so hard when there is no chemistry and it divorce might be better for everybody involved.

Ok, just no! I took time to answer without looking at the date and you are wrong to pull a thread from 2015 on us. To post about a friend! Start a new thread, you are so annoying.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I know the post is old, but I have a friend who married somebody she didn’t have physical chemistry with. He was basically the perfect guy and she figured it would come or at least they could maintain their good relationship without it. But it was such a struggle for her their entire marriage on a daily basis. She tried so hard to want to be with him but sex was never a good experience. She said she wished she hadn’t had chemistry with somebody before because she knew what she was missing out on.

After I think 5 years of marriage her ex asked for a divorce. He knew she struggled with the chemistry issue and she says that he probably just didn’t want to deal with the blow to his ego that really digging into the issue would cause. She was devastated because she really wanted things to work out and they had two kids, but her ex wouldn’t budge.

About two years later she met a guy with whom she had major chemistry. They got married and she is so much happier now. Says the divorce is the best thing that ever happened to her. They have only been married for ten years but from little comments here and there i gather their sex life is fantastic. And I know that their relationship is really good and they just have this emotionally healthy dynamic. And she and her ex get along great now and co parent really well.

It’s hard for me to relate because I have only been with people i am super attracted to (even if the attraction wasn’t there at first, it had grown a lot by the time we started dating) and it seems wild to divorce when you have kids just because you lack chemistry. But it does seem like marriage is just so hard when there is no chemistry and it divorce might be better for everybody involved.

It's not for the kids, but I guess as long as your friend best the bio clock had kids and now gets her rocks off it's all good.

I don’t think that staying together is always best for the kids. If you have an amazing marriage except for the sex part, then staying together is probably best for the kids. So if my husbands ex hadn’t resented my friend for wanting to go to couples therapy so that their sex life was better, then maybe it would have been best. And then she resented him for that in return. When parents resent each other, it’s not good for kids. When parents split up and then become friends and great co parents (which is very rare but happens), that’s a better scenario than living with parents who live with lots of resentment toward each other.

I agree that sometimes divorce is the better option. You sound incredibly immature pp ( we know it's not your friend) and hopefully your kids will be understanding when they grow up that you blew up their lives because of sex. That you married their dad knowing you didn't love him or were attracted to him but you were felt you were getting too old . Hopefully they will be more mature than you and not use people in relationships.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I know the post is old, but I have a friend who married somebody she didn’t have physical chemistry with. He was basically the perfect guy and she figured it would come or at least they could maintain their good relationship without it. But it was such a struggle for her their entire marriage on a daily basis. She tried so hard to want to be with him but sex was never a good experience. She said she wished she hadn’t had chemistry with somebody before because she knew what she was missing out on.

After I think 5 years of marriage her ex asked for a divorce. He knew she struggled with the chemistry issue and she says that he probably just didn’t want to deal with the blow to his ego that really digging into the issue would cause. She was devastated because she really wanted things to work out and they had two kids, but her ex wouldn’t budge.

About two years later she met a guy with whom she had major chemistry. They got married and she is so much happier now. Says the divorce is the best thing that ever happened to her. They have only been married for ten years but from little comments here and there i gather their sex life is fantastic. And I know that their relationship is really good and they just have this emotionally healthy dynamic. And she and her ex get along great now and co parent really well.

It’s hard for me to relate because I have only been with people i am super attracted to (even if the attraction wasn’t there at first, it had grown a lot by the time we started dating) and it seems wild to divorce when you have kids just because you lack chemistry. But it does seem like marriage is just so hard when there is no chemistry and it divorce might be better for everybody involved.

Do you really think she'd tell you if the sex and marriage sucked?

Over the past fifteen years we have had in-depth heart to hearts about our marriages so yes, basically. I don’t think she would tell me *if* the sex sucked but I don’t think the comments she makes in passing about it being good (like about how her husband is amazing at sending dirty texts even though you would never know it from his sweet, unassuming demeanor) and the way she is so grateful that she has chemistry with her current husband are lies.

Funny because to me it sounds exactly like lies and attention seeking.

She has been my best friend for 20 years and I know what attention-seeking behavior is like and I know this isn’t it, but I wonder what makes it sound that way. I mean when you’re having a convo about sexting and someone chimes in with their experience, and when you’re having a convo about the difficulties of a lack of chemistry in marriages and she adds her experience with it, I don’t know why that sounds like lies and attention seeking.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I know the post is old, but I have a friend who married somebody she didn’t have physical chemistry with. He was basically the perfect guy and she figured it would come or at least they could maintain their good relationship without it. But it was such a struggle for her their entire marriage on a daily basis. She tried so hard to want to be with him but sex was never a good experience. She said she wished she hadn’t had chemistry with somebody before because she knew what she was missing out on.

After I think 5 years of marriage her ex asked for a divorce. He knew she struggled with the chemistry issue and she says that he probably just didn’t want to deal with the blow to his ego that really digging into the issue would cause. She was devastated because she really wanted things to work out and they had two kids, but her ex wouldn’t budge.

About two years later she met a guy with whom she had major chemistry. They got married and she is so much happier now. Says the divorce is the best thing that ever happened to her. They have only been married for ten years but from little comments here and there i gather their sex life is fantastic. And I know that their relationship is really good and they just have this emotionally healthy dynamic. And she and her ex get along great now and co parent really well.

It’s hard for me to relate because I have only been with people i am super attracted to (even if the attraction wasn’t there at first, it had grown a lot by the time we started dating) and it seems wild to divorce when you have kids just because you lack chemistry. But it does seem like marriage is just so hard when there is no chemistry and it divorce might be better for everybody involved.

Do you really think she'd tell you if the sex and marriage sucked?

Over the past fifteen years we have had in-depth heart to hearts about our marriages so yes, basically. I don’t think she would tell me *if* the sex sucked but I don’t think the comments she makes in passing about it being good (like about how her husband is amazing at sending dirty texts even though you would never know it from his sweet, unassuming demeanor) and the way she is so grateful that she has chemistry with her current husband are lies.

Funny because to me it sounds exactly like lies and attention seeking.

She has been my best friend for 20 years and I know what attention-seeking behavior is like and I know this isn’t it, but I wonder what makes it sound that way. I mean when you’re having a convo about sexting and someone chimes in with their experience, and when you’re having a convo about the difficulties of a lack of chemistry in marriages and she adds her experience with it, I don’t know why that sounds like lies and attention seeking.

Of course you don't because you are the friend and this is normal behavior for you immaturity and attention-seeking behavior go hand in hand.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I know the post is old, but I have a friend who married somebody she didn’t have physical chemistry with. He was basically the perfect guy and she figured it would come or at least they could maintain their good relationship without it. But it was such a struggle for her their entire marriage on a daily basis. She tried so hard to want to be with him but sex was never a good experience. She said she wished she hadn’t had chemistry with somebody before because she knew what she was missing out on.

After I think 5 years of marriage her ex asked for a divorce. He knew she struggled with the chemistry issue and she says that he probably just didn’t want to deal with the blow to his ego that really digging into the issue would cause. She was devastated because she really wanted things to work out and they had two kids, but her ex wouldn’t budge.

About two years later she met a guy with whom she had major chemistry. They got married and she is so much happier now. Says the divorce is the best thing that ever happened to her. They have only been married for ten years but from little comments here and there i gather their sex life is fantastic. And I know that their relationship is really good and they just have this emotionally healthy dynamic. And she and her ex get along great now and co parent really well.

It’s hard for me to relate because I have only been with people i am super attracted to (even if the attraction wasn’t there at first, it had grown a lot by the time we started dating) and it seems wild to divorce when you have kids just because you lack chemistry. But it does seem like marriage is just so hard when there is no chemistry and it divorce might be better for everybody involved.

Do you really think she'd tell you if the sex and marriage sucked?

Over the past fifteen years we have had in-depth heart to hearts about our marriages so yes, basically. I don’t think she would tell me *if* the sex sucked but I don’t think the comments she makes in passing about it being good (like about how her husband is amazing at sending dirty texts even though you would never know it from his sweet, unassuming demeanor) and the way she is so grateful that she has chemistry with her current husband are lies.

Funny because to me it sounds exactly like lies and attention seeking.

She has been my best friend for 20 years and I know what attention-seeking behavior is like and I know this isn’t it, but I wonder what makes it sound that way. I mean when you’re having a convo about sexting and someone chimes in with their experience, and when you’re having a convo about the difficulties of a lack of chemistry in marriages and she adds her experience with it, I don’t know why that sounds like lies and attention seeking.

Of course you don't because you are the friend and this is normal behavior for you immaturity and attention-seeking behavior go hand in hand.

Huh?

I don’t know why it’s so hard for you you believe that I can know that my friend has a good sex life.

[Anonymous]

For a second, I thought I wrote this post but the details are slightly different. I’m also married to a perfect on paper physician. I married him for all the right reasons. We met at the right time in grad school, traveled, became adults, got married and had 3 beautiful children. I don’t feel that passionate love for him. I don’t think I ever did.

I stay for the kids. Many of my 40 something friends are in a rough patch. I don’t think it has anything to do with profession or whether you were madly in love. I genuinely thought I loved my DH when we got married.

[Anonymous]

OMG, I am the OP of this thread!!! I had such an experience of deja vu when I saw the title and opened it. I was like, wait a minute, did I write this or is someone else going through the same exact thing?! LOL

If you are curious, I am still with my husband and things got a lot better during the Pandemic, strangely enough. I wouldn't say I am "madly in love" with him but I do love and care about him as a "best friend" type and the sex is much better than it was.

I actually think it's because he got really busy during the early stages of the pandemic. I was worried about him working in the healthcare field and because of all that was going on, he was able to give me a LOT of space, which I needed to start missing him a little and seeing him in a different light. He also just backed off a lot with the emotional temperature taking and pressure.

So we'll see. Still hanging in there.