"Perfect on paper husband," just not in love with him

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:If I were in your shoes OP, I'd stay until the kids were grown. After that, I would just explain we have no chemistry and it's best to go our separate ways.

My aunt and uncle are somewhat similar except for them it's strictly a business contract. They have zero chemistry, don't love each other but the benefits they've gained outweigh all of that. Thank goodness they don't have kids.

We can't stay together and not have sex. It will break his heart if/when he finds out about this. Living together after that would be appalling. There is no way.

So clearly what you want is for us to tell you that you should absolutely break this poor schmuck's heart, destroy your life and family, and that you will of course immediately find the perfect man who has all of your husband's positive traits PLUS the enviable addition of sex appeal.

This is not a rom com. There is no guarantee that this man you are looking for even exists. What we can tell you is that prospects are indeed limited for forty something women with kids.

[Anonymous]

Maybe you need to put some work in to find som chemistry. Tell him you want him to toss you on the bed and fuck your brains out. You never know, he might do it.

[Anonymous]

I remember a long time ago listening to Dr. Ruth Westheimer (remember her), and a caller said that she couldn't seem to date or be attracted to any man because she was obsessed with Simon Le Bon from Duran Duran (yes, this was the 80's). I'm thinking OP, you have some obsession with the idea of finding that man who makes your heart go pitter/patter. Do you maybe have some unresolved issues with a previous flame that you did have strong chemistry with?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:No, I don't want to end up alone. The purpose of divorcing him would be to find someone better suited.

A bird in the hand is worth two in the bush.

[Anonymous]

So divorce him. My sister would love to swoop him up and become a step mother to your two children.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:If I were in your shoes OP, I'd stay until the kids were grown. After that, I would just explain we have no chemistry and it's best to go our separate ways.

My aunt and uncle are somewhat similar except for them it's strictly a business contract. They have zero chemistry, don't love each other but the benefits they've gained outweigh all of that. Thank goodness they don't have kids.

We can't stay together and not have sex. It will break his heart if/when he finds out about this. Living together after that would be appalling. There is no way.

You said you have no chemistry. But seems to me, if you are not able to make yourself even have sex with him, then you are physically repulsed by him (even though by your own admission he is an attractive guy since women check him out). Why? I think you do have some issues. You need a different therapist to help you figure what the heck is going on.

We do have sex, it's just not the type that I want. And it's not very often. Maybe 4 times a month. He is objectively good looking. I don't know why I'm not attracted to him. Let's put it this way. I would be hurt and angry if I found out he was cheating on me. But it wouldn't be devastated. I would move on variety easily.

[Anonymous]

So do you also not have chemistry with your kids? Divorcing a good father is an easy way to not see them 50% of the time.

[Anonymous]

It sounds like you are BEC with your husband, OP. Do you know what that stands for? Bitch eating crackers as in "Look at that bitch eating crackers like she owns the place." When you dislike someone, the little things start to add up and mole hills become mountains. I don't think there is a cure for that other than separation.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:If I were in your shoes OP, I'd stay until the kids were grown. After that, I would just explain we have no chemistry and it's best to go our separate ways.

My aunt and uncle are somewhat similar except for them it's strictly a business contract. They have zero chemistry, don't love each other but the benefits they've gained outweigh all of that. Thank goodness they don't have kids.

We can't stay together and not have sex. It will break his heart if/when he finds out about this. Living together after that would be appalling. There is no way.

You said you have no chemistry. But seems to me, if you are not able to make yourself even have sex with him, then you are physically repulsed by him (even though by your own admission he is an attractive guy since women check him out). Why? I think you do have some issues. You need a different therapist to help you figure what the heck is going on.

We do have sex, it's just not the type that I want. And it's not very often. Maybe 4 times a month. He is objectively good looking. I don't know why I'm not attracted to him. Let's put it this way. I would be hurt and angry if I found out he was cheating on me. But it wouldn't be devastated. I would move on variety easily.

Is the issue that the sex is not the type that you want, or that you have no chemistry with him? Do you think if he indulged in your sex fantasy that you'd be happier? If this is the case, then why don't you tell him, or ask him to go with you to a sex therapist or regular therapist to discuss this with him in a non judgemental way?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:If I were in your shoes OP, I'd stay until the kids were grown. After that, I would just explain we have no chemistry and it's best to go our separate ways.

My aunt and uncle are somewhat similar except for them it's strictly a business contract. They have zero chemistry, don't love each other but the benefits they've gained outweigh all of that. Thank goodness they don't have kids.

We can't stay together and not have sex. It will break his heart if/when he finds out about this. Living together after that would be appalling. There is no way.

You said you have no chemistry. But seems to me, if you are not able to make yourself even have sex with him, then you are physically repulsed by him (even though by your own admission he is an attractive guy since women check him out). Why? I think you do have some issues. You need a different therapist to help you figure what the heck is going on.

We do have sex, it's just not the type that I want. And it's not very often. Maybe 4 times a month. He is objectively good looking. I don't know why I'm not attracted to him. Let's put it this way. I would be hurt and angry if I found out he was cheating on me. But it wouldn't be devastated. I would move on variety easily.

This is why you need therapy OP! So you can figure out WHY you are not attracted to him and learn to love him.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:If I were in your shoes OP, I'd stay until the kids were grown. After that, I would just explain we have no chemistry and it's best to go our separate ways.

My aunt and uncle are somewhat similar except for them it's strictly a business contract. They have zero chemistry, don't love each other but the benefits they've gained outweigh all of that. Thank goodness they don't have kids.

We can't stay together and not have sex. It will break his heart if/when he finds out about this. Living together after that would be appalling. There is no way.

You said you have no chemistry. But seems to me, if you are not able to make yourself even have sex with him, then you are physically repulsed by him (even though by your own admission he is an attractive guy since women check him out). Why? I think you do have some issues. You need a different therapist to help you figure what the heck is going on.

We do have sex, it's just not the type that I want. And it's not very often. Maybe 4 times a month. He is objectively good looking. I don't know why I'm not attracted to him. Let's put it this way. I would be hurt and angry if I found out he was cheating on me. But it wouldn't be devastated. I would move on variety easily.

Is the issue that the sex is not the type that you want, or that you have no chemistry with him? Do you think if he indulged in your sex fantasy that you'd be happier? If this is the case, then why don't you tell him, or ask him to go with you to a sex therapist or regular therapist to discuss this with him in a non judgemental way?

Well since you asked. I have tried that. We have tried that. But it didn't really work. I want rough sex. I want a confident, sexy man to push me around a little bit. I want it to be a little risky and daring. I want to be thrown off guard. I want to be *into* it, you know? The kind of sex we have is so predictable and mechanical and way too sweet. He is always trying to kiss me during which I hate. I don't know how to articulate this but it's like he is way too polite and PC to do what I want. It was such an awkward failure.

Now do you see what I mean??

[Anonymous]

You need to take control sexually. Give orders, be direct and dirty. Do and say everything that you would with a lover. Start a new chapter in your relationship.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:If I were in your shoes OP, I'd stay until the kids were grown. After that, I would just explain we have no chemistry and it's best to go our separate ways.

My aunt and uncle are somewhat similar except for them it's strictly a business contract. They have zero chemistry, don't love each other but the benefits they've gained outweigh all of that. Thank goodness they don't have kids.

We can't stay together and not have sex. It will break his heart if/when he finds out about this. Living together after that would be appalling. There is no way.

You said you have no chemistry. But seems to me, if you are not able to make yourself even have sex with him, then you are physically repulsed by him (even though by your own admission he is an attractive guy since women check him out). Why? I think you do have some issues. You need a different therapist to help you figure what the heck is going on.

We do have sex, it's just not the type that I want. And it's not very often. Maybe 4 times a month. He is objectively good looking. I don't know why I'm not attracted to him. Let's put it this way. I would be hurt and angry if I found out he was cheating on me. But it wouldn't be devastated. I would move on variety easily.

Is the issue that the sex is not the type that you want, or that you have no chemistry with him? Do you think if he indulged in your sex fantasy that you'd be happier? If this is the case, then why don't you tell him, or ask him to go with you to a sex therapist or regular therapist to discuss this with him in a non judgemental way?

Well since you asked. I have tried that. We have tried that. But it didn't really work. I want rough sex. I want a confident, sexy man to push me around a little bit. I want it to be a little risky and daring. I want to be thrown off guard. I want to be *into* it, you know? The kind of sex we have is so predictable and mechanical and way too sweet. He is always trying to kiss me during which I hate. I don't know how to articulate this but it's like he is way too polite and PC to do what I want. It was such an awkward failure.

Now do you see what I mean??

You both need to watch 50 shades of gray and tell him to act like the lead male character. Maybe it will spice things up for you.

[Anonymous]

OP, I am sorry about your situation but I think it's common. Yes, other women might swoop your husband up if you divorce him but who cares? It's not a competition. If there was no chemistry from the beginning there will never be any chemistry with him. No amount of therapy will help. If you get divorced there are no guarantees that you will find somebody with whom you will have great chemistry. Mostly likely you will, he will probably have other issues though that you will have to put up with. Or you can stay married and endure your marriage which will suck and make you miserable. Don't get involved in an affair though it will complicate everything.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:
Well since you asked. I have tried that. We have tried that. But it didn't really work. I want rough sex. I want a confident, sexy man to push me around a little bit. I want it to be a little risky and daring. I want to be thrown off guard. I want to be *into* it, you know? The kind of sex we have is so predictable and mechanical and way too sweet. He is always trying to kiss me during which I hate. I don't know how to articulate this but it's like he is way too polite and PC to do what I want. It was such an awkward failure.

Now do you see what I mean??

You said he can sense something is wrong. If you tell him, again at a therapist's office where it can be in a safe neutral place, that this is what you want, but you know he find's it uncomfortable, then you two could probably work it out from there. He's not comfortable with what you want, but maybe he'd be willing to try harder too (and you do too) if he thinks it will make you happier with your sex life.

Have you had this kind of "rougher" sex previously, or is this some fantasy? I have had these kinds of fantasy, too, but I think reality is much different, and I know that if it really happened I wouldn't like it.