"Perfect on paper husband," just not in love with him

[Anonymous]

Wwyd?

First his good points. My husband is kind, intelligent, thoughtful, caring, good looking, and a great father. He's a physician who works long hours and is passionate about his patients and practice area but still helps out 50/50 when he is home. I wouldn't say he's funny exactly but he has a sense of humor and can laugh at other people's jokes and life's little absurdities, which I appreciate. He's a runner who keeps himself fit. I notice other women checking him out occasionally. I LOVE his family, especially his mother and sister. They were a big part of his appeal when we were dating.

But. I'm not in love with him. I never was. I knew this at the time that we got engaged but I let my mom and closest friend talk me into marrying him with the idea that I was just nervous and scared of the commitment and that love could eventually grow. I was 33 at the time. I do care about him a great deal. But my heart doesn't jump when he walks into a room. I don't want him to throw me down on the bed and screw my brains out (or maybe that is the problem: I do want him to do that, or someone anyway, but the thought horrifies him). I don't get butterflies with him and never have. It's getting to the point where I physically recoil from him. My skin actually flinches on the inside. I think he suspects something is up because he's acting like kicked puppy and I feel bad but that just makes it worse. I want him to scream at me and curse me not just take my abuse. I tried to explain that but he didn't get it. We have two children and I'm 39. I've talked to my mom and BFF about this and they both think divorcing him would be a huge mistake. I work and make significantly less which is one thing but they also feel that the dating pool is shallow for 40 something women with children. Do you think that is just a sexist stereotype?

The thing is, the thing that I keep coming back to, is: shouldn't I be head over heels for my husband? I have felt that way before in the past so I know what it feels like. I know people say the crazy burning love feeling eventually passes. But shouldn't it have been there at one point? Then at least I would have my memories. I am too young to feel this resigned and dead inside.

[Anonymous]

You need therapy.

[Anonymous]

I think you need to learn to love him. See a counselor- do whatever it takes. You have the makings of a great marriage. Don't throw it away.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:You need therapy.

I have tried therapy in the past for a different issue and it never worked. I wanted actual advice but all I got was "what makes you think that?" "Why do you feel that way?" Etc. etc. which made me want to scream out of frustration.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I think you need to learn to love him. See a counselor- do whatever it takes. You have the makings of a great marriage. Don't throw it away.

Agreed. At least give it your very best shot. If you still cant make it worse, then get a divorce, guilt free.

[Anonymous]

I just read my own post. You know what the problem is? I don't feel chemistry with him. I never have. We don't click in that way. People need that in their lives, don't they? It's not a minor issue?

[Anonymous]

I'm sorry. I dated a guy like this, and tried so hard to love him and like you, there was no chemistry. I wasn't attracted to him at all (and there was nothing wrong with him, we just didn't have the chemistry).

Anyway, no advice right now. I hope you can work something out.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You need therapy.

I have tried therapy in the past for a different issue and it never worked. I wanted actual advice but all I got was "what makes you think that?" "Why do you feel that way?" Etc. etc. which made me want to scream out of frustration.

Because you have to work through your issues! Answer the hard questions, do the work. Otherwise I predict you will have similar issues if you ever date/remarry. This is your issue, not your husbands. Don't break up your family until you've tried everything.

[Anonymous]

This is ridiculous. Get divorced and find someone you love. Don't take your mom's advice twice - she was wrong the first time. You never should have married him.

[Anonymous]

The dating market for a 40+ year old woman with two kids is no picnic.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:This is ridiculous. Get divorced and find someone you love. Don't take your mom's advice twice - she was wrong the first time. You never should have married him.

What if she does not find anyone?

[Anonymous]

Plenty of people got married to someone they didn't have chemistry with. I have only had relationships that started out with the butterflies. The problem is that the butterflies flew away eventually and were replaced with someone I couldn't live with. No real advice except to say that butterflies are overrated.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I just read my own post. You know what the problem is? I don't feel chemistry with him. I never have. We don't click in that way. People need that in their lives, don't they? It's not a minor issue?

No, no they don't need it at all. What they need is a good, open heart. You have kids, don't explode their lives so you can pursue something wgich sustains 20 year olds through the first 6 months if a relationship. Seriously! Find a therapist who works for you!!!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:The dating market for a 40+ year old woman with two kids is no picnic.

19:47 here - totally agree but that isn't a reason to stay in a relationship that isn't satisfying. It sounds like OP is bordering on abusive to her DH, she needs to leave for so many reasons.

[Anonymous]

Its a risk. There's no perfect answer for you.

(1) Stay and love your husband and keep your family intact. Try to build the chemistry.
(2) Leave your husband and break up your family. You may or may not have a partner again. It will be harder dating.

Good luck with whatever choice you make.